Is he looking to get caught?

[MizFit]

Newbie here...what a forum.

 

Brief bit of info on my situation...involved with a MM for about 6 months now. Never have done it before (I'm 47) and didn't intend for it to happen this time, but it did. I've fallen hook, line and sinker...I think he has as well.

 

Started as something where we'd see each other once a month...that lasted for the first month. Since then we've spent a week in France at his vacation home, planning another week there next week, W is away for a week and he's asked me to come spend the weekend in his family home, and he's planning on 3 nights at mine in September. Oh yes, another few days away at a resort in August as well.

 

He has said from the start he would never leave his wife. I made the decision to see him fully aware of his thoughts. It has progressed more than either of us would have ever imagined...we've both said we love each other and as noted the contact is much more intense than it should be.

 

This week there is a public event that he and his wife will be participating in and he has told me about it. I couldn't figure out why he was telling me about it so I asked if he wanted me to go for some odd reason...he said 'no, but I'm not telling you that you can't go'. I don't understand this...I've said something to a male friend and he said that he is sailing so close to the wind hoping to get caught.

 

Recently MM has said that he would leave except he's too scared...there is an adult child with difficulties and he has also said he's afraid of chancing losing contact with her (she is dependent on her parents and always will be).

 

Everything he said at the beginning seems to have been negated by his actions...he's taking me into his world...he's wanting to wander through mine. I don't understand. I do love him...I know that if he were available he's exactly what I'd want for the rest of my life, but I also have been able to keep detached. I have a very active social life and date often...I seem to find myself wondering what his actions are telling me. Probably nothing so I'm remaining detached, but I am curious if anyone has any input or thoughts.

 

Thank you...

[fooled once]

Seems to me he wants to spice up his life.

 

And maybe he does want his wife to 'find out' - and he is hoping that in doing so, not that she will kick him out but it will make her fight for him. It will make their marriage more exciting; they will talk more, they will find ways to find love in their marriage again.

 

Why are you doing this? What do you hope to get from this relationship? Do you not believe him when he says he won't leave his wife? Is this a competition for you --- for you to "win" him away from his wife?

[tami-chan]

He might want to be caught and hope that the wife will file for divorce. My xOM/MM invited me to public events/functions (and his close friends and law partners knew me)...most I refused to attend, some I did. For my part, he was a closely guarded secret. I have always wondered why he did that..when I asked he said, I would not believe that his marriage is dead and his W did not care-believing that I would think it was just a line. In Feb of this year he filed for divorce because his wife would not-he would have preferred it if the wife had filed.

[MizFit]

Seems to me he wants to spice up his life.

 

And maybe he does want his wife to 'find out' - and he is hoping that in doing so, not that she will kick him out but it will make her fight for him. It will make their marriage more exciting; they will talk more, they will find ways to find love in their marriage again.

 

Why are you doing this? What do you hope to get from this relationship? Do you not believe him when he says he won't leave his wife? Is this a competition for you --- for you to "win" him away from his wife?

 

Why am I doing this...in all honesty I have no valid reason other than the fact we started as friends and it grew. For some personal reasons and very difficult circumstances I was weak and let him in...I knew better as I'd seen my mother at the hands of my cheating father and had been cheated on by my own husband. I make no excuses other than when I finally realized the gravity of what I'd done I was in too deep to walk away. I have no notion at all he'll leave her and I tend to be the one who tells him how stupid his ideas are and fire warning shots all over. I've refused a few of his more ridiculous suggestions. I know I can't 'win' him and I don't want to. Unless he wants to walk away under his own steam I'd still be second choice. I have an odd detachment building...it's almost the more he does to expose things the more I draw away.

 

What you've suggested goes directly against things he's told me, but we all know that MM can be fantastic liars. I am very concerned with his irrational actions as I think they're reckless and believe he feels he's beyond being caught.

[fooled once]

So where do you see this going? How do you see this ending?

 

Will you still be doing this 6 months from now? A year from now?

 

What benefits are you getting?

 

I don' t understand this

 

I was in too deep to walk away.

 

You CAN always walk away.

 

Nothing is stopping you.

 

So you can either walk away NOW and repair your heart; or wait until ..... when you will also have to repair your heart since you know he isn't divorcing/leaving his wife.

 

That is what I don't get --- all you are in for is some sex, some fun times and then a broken heart.

[Lucky_One]

The way I see it:

 

Your MM is wealthy. Wealthy men do 1 of 2 things. They get a divorce ASAP because they have enough money that they can leave the BS very well off and that alleviates guilt.

 

Or

 

They have affairs, and their wives are aware, and they both like the lifestyle and the perks and he has intention of getting a divorce.

 

But wealthy guys don't wait for their wives to divorce first. They typically have business smarts and are strong willed men, and they go for what they want.

[MizFit]

The way I see it:

 

Your MM is wealthy. Wealthy men do 1 of 2 things. They get a divorce ASAP because they have enough money that they can leave the BS very well off and that alleviates guilt.

 

Or

 

They have affairs, and their wives are aware, and they both like the lifestyle and the perks and he has intention of getting a divorce.

 

But wealthy guys don't wait for their wives to divorce first. They typically have business smarts and are strong willed men, and they go for what they want.

 

That's quite a good assessment and I agree with all you're saying, from both parties accepting their 'tradeoffs' to him getting what he wants. That's what I'm trying to suss out. I've never been an OW before, but I just don't see this as standard behaiour.

[MizFit]

So where do you see this going? How do you see this ending?

 

Will you still be doing this 6 months from now? A year from now?

 

What benefits are you getting?

 

I don' t understand this

 

 

 

You CAN always walk away.

 

Nothing is stopping you.

 

So you can either walk away NOW and repair your heart; or wait until ..... when you will also have to repair your heart since you know he isn't divorcing/leaving his wife.

 

That is what I don't get --- all you are in for is some sex, some fun times and then a broken heart.

 

And...every time I lit a cigarette for 16 years I knew I was in for shortness of breath, possibly cancer, and a severe lack of spending money. Common sense tells you many things...other things work against it. We all have things that our mind stands no chance against. I'm not making excuses...humans are weak on many levels and I'm no exception.

 

What you say is absolutely right...I say it to myself day in and day out. I say it to the few friends who know and warn me off the situation. I know what a BW feels like and now I know what the OW feels like...having said that I used to wake up with a horrible cough and a house that smelled like a bar. I eventually came to my senses with that and I'll do the same with my current situation.

[OpenBook]

This week there is a public event that he and his wife will be participating in and he has told me about it. I couldn't figure out why he was telling me about it so I asked if he wanted me to go for some odd reason...he said 'no, but I'm not telling you that you can't go'...

 

I seem to find myself wondering what his actions are telling me. Probably nothing so I'm remaining detached, but I am curious if anyone has any input or thoughts.

 

I don't think it's particularly significant, in and of itself. He's just sharing details about his life with you. Did he act surprised when you asked him why he was telling you? Does he normally discuss his married life with you?

 

I think there might be other things that have happened, which have prompted you to start this thread? Little clues in his behavior maybe? I have no idea, I'm just taking some wild guesses.

 

He could be testing you and your feelings about the A, by talking about his W and their "real" life together in front of you - and gauging your reaction to it?

[jj33]

Oh Mizfit that sounds SO like my situation.

 

We stayed at his place ALL the time - an apartment building - neighbors could have seen me come and go. W might not have cared but she would NEVER have wanted a neighbor to say something - that would have been a deal breaker.

 

Inviting me to things where his W and family and friends were was going to be where he and his wife were "participating" and in the public eye.

 

Wouldve left but afraid of the impact on his relationship with adult children.

 

Said he was never leaving. (could this be the same man...)

 

Guess what. He never did.

 

It doesnt matter whether he wants to get caught or not. Him "wanting to get caught" s just another example of him NOT wanting to be responsible for the outcome.

 

So what if he does "get caught" and W kicks him out - forever more YOU will be held responible for breaking up the marriage in the eyes of his family and third parties.

 

Its passive agressive behavior on his part. Dont fall for that trap. YOU make sure you never get caught. You will be the loser if the A comes to light in that way.

[tami-chan]

The way I see it:

 

Your MM is wealthy. Wealthy men do 1 of 2 things. They get a divorce ASAP because they have enough money that they can leave the BS very well off and that alleviates guilt.

 

Or

 

They have affairs, and their wives are aware, and they both like the lifestyle and the perks and he has intention of getting a divorce.

 

But wealthy guys don't wait for their wives to divorce first. They typically have business smarts and are strong willed men, and they go for what they want.

 

In a way, I agree with you many successful, rich men like to maintain the status quo. But others, are not as ruthless(arguably) with their family (wife) as they are in business. I know, my xOM wanted his wife to be the one to file for divorce when she didn't , he did, just like that. Seems amicable enough. She got what was due her in terms of assets/finances.

[tami-chan]

It doesnt matter whether he wants to get caught or not. Him "wanting to get caught" s just another example of him NOT wanting to be responsible for the outcome.

 

So what if he does "get caught" and W kicks him out - forever more YOU will be held responible for breaking up the marriage in the eyes of his family and third parties.

 

Its passive agressive behavior on his part. Dont fall for that trap. YOU make sure you never get caught. You will be the loser if the A comes to light in that way.

 

I SO agree with this!!!!

[MizFit]

I SO agree with this!!!!

 

I agree that I need to be the voice of reason and sanity in all of it...I am the one issuing the concerns about the chances he's taking. The reason--he's acting like a loose cannon and I don't want to suffer the fallout because he's reckless. If he's looking to get caught it would probably make me rethink things. I'm not looking at his wanting to get caught as some adolescent hope that we'll live happily ever after...quite the opposite. I know what it would do and where I would land. As I said, if he wants to leave then do it...if he wants to stay then do it. I'll deal with my end of it, but his actions are going to have a direct affect on me and my query here had more to do with being able to anticipate than anything.

 

Thanks for the responses though...truly appreciated.

[MizFit]

I don't think it's particularly significant, in and of itself. He's just sharing details about his life with you. Did he act surprised when you asked him why he was telling you? Does he normally discuss his married life with you?

 

I think there might be other things that have happened, which have prompted you to start this thread? Little clues in his behavior maybe? I have no idea, I'm just taking some wild guesses.

 

He could be testing you and your feelings about the A, by talking about his W and their "real" life together in front of you - and gauging your reaction to it?

 

OpenBook...he acted knowingly when I asked him about it. As though he were putting a piece together...I had the distinct impression it was a thrill for him. Maybe to see if he could get away with pushing it just that extra bit...maybe to see if it would be the one thing that his wife's 6th sense picked up on.

 

We don't talk about his marriage...he may have been gauging my reaction, I'm not really sure. There are huge clues in his behaviour that prompted this thread, you're absolutely right.

 

Thank you for the response...