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Struggling to move on. Should I ask him?


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Hi all, I am new to this forum but have found tremendous help from just reading the postings here. Something has been eating me inside and I desparately need some advice. I met this guy 5 years ago and we started something special which I thought could develop into something permanent. Then one day, he told me he was married but wanted to divorce his wife etc, he was only married for 3 months at that time and I was so shocked and hurt. He told me he didn't really want to get married but felt responsible for her and he thought that's how marriage is... until he met me etc. I was very touched so we countinued our friendship/relationship, it was only an emotional one as we were never physical and he never attempted to get physical with me (which he said later on, was out of respect for me).

 

Things went on for about 10 months and I couldn't stand it anymore and told him I wanted the whole thing to stop and I told him he shouldn't get a divorce (but inside of me, I was hoping that he would get a divorce). It was hard for both of us. I held out for 3 months then I emailed him, and we started to see each other occationally but just as friends. We never brought up things before. I never got the courage to ask him how things are with his wife and he never voluntarily talk about her. But we have great chemistry whenever we are together just like before, except we never brought things up.

 

About 18 months ago, I decided that it was too much for me to take and wrote him an email to say that I didn't want to see him anymore and wanted to move on. I was hurt that he never replied to my email as deep down inside, I wanted to know how he feels, I still do. Then we were out of touch for about a year.

 

I feel pathetic as I never could move on from him, there is this lingering feelings that I had given up something special and because I was the one to make the decision to end things, I have all these questions in my mind as to how he feels, he never told me that.

 

So 6 months ago, I emailed him again and we met a couple of times, again just as friends. But then I found out that he just had a baby with his wife. It came as such a shock to me, I know this is silly as when I broke things off with him 4 years ago, I knew this is going to happen. And, I am happy for him that he has moved on from me (though it didn't feel that way when we met cos the chemistry is still there, so I had no clue at all). But on the other hand, I want to know if he is really happy and when he got over me. Is that silly? Somehow, I feel I need to know just to get closure as this is eating me inside. I don't want to keep wondering about this as I think the wondering has stopped me from moving on.

 

Should I ask him? I don't want to add pressure to his life as he just had a baby and I know things can be crazy at home. And I don't want him to feel guilty as I myself am responsible for my feelings. But I really need to know. Am I selfish to ask him now? I really need to hear what you think. Please help me.

 

I just want to get closure and move on...

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whichwayisup

So each time you have contacted him. That says ALOT.

 

Look, you're still not "getting" it. The guy is married and now he has a child! He has a life with someone else and you need to move on and accept that. Honestly, it doesn't matter anymore what he feels for you - He's TAKEN and unavailable now. You seem to not understand that? Anyway, this is now about your ego, wanting to know what he feels/felt for you..

 

To answer your question, yes it's selfish of you to ask him.

 

Make your OWN closure here. The guy chose to stay married to his wife, he's had a child with her.. Bottomline - Somehow you need to let him alone and stop contacting him, stop wasting YOUR love and energy, thoughts on someone who is taken and start healing so YOU can find a single man and have a loving relationship. You've wasted so many years on this guy..Move on, and if you can't, seek counselling.

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If you are not physical with him, he just treats you as a friend, maybe a 'special' friend. Accept it as that.

 

If you are physical with him, and he already has a family and is not going to leave his wife, you are his mistress, straight and simple.

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fooled once

Just leave him alone.

 

He isn't interested in you that way.

 

He has a wife and a child.

 

HE never reached out to you - you kept reaching out to him. It is a huge ego boost to him to know that you can't get over him.

 

You need to put your own closure on it - from within YOU. You don't need him to tell you anything. His actions speak much louder than any words. Let go and do not contact him anymore.

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one of the hardest things in life is to find yourself loving someone who doesn't love you (anymore). But you need to accept this, and move on. being happy for him will give you a sense of closure.

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I have found that no other person can give you closure. You have to give yourself closure.

 

You contact him to ask him something, and he gives you the answers. And you think about it and analyze it and stew over it and dream about it and bore your friends to tears about it, and all your over-analysis has done for you is give you more questions (some of which are unanswerable). So you contact him again, so that you can have closure on the new questions. And contact him again for answers to the unanswerable questions.

 

He might meet you again if you ask him. He might have sex with you if you make the first move. He might continue in an affair with you if you keep it going.

 

But do you really want to be with a man who just responds to your advances, or do you want a man who wants to be with you of his own overwhelming desire?

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You already had your closure....how much more clearer do you want it to be? Please...stop selling yourself short. Every time you reach out to him, you are devaluing yourself. This is harsh and I am sorry but nobody really needs something that is on sale...people buy because it's there. You MUST move on....

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Tami Chan that is so well said - if you offer yourself like a fire sale why wouldnt he say yes. And as someone else said only you can give yourself closure.

 

Move on. When a man wants you. He lets you know. This man does not share your feelings. When he got over you is not a productive question.

 

Whats he supposed to say? I got over you 3 years ago but you kept coming back and the sex was good and I am fond of you so I didnt say no?

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Hun...you're taking years to get over this man. I'm no therapist, but I think you may need to get some help in getting past this. You'll never be happy until you do...I know how you feel about closure. Theoretically, I believe it lies within, but sometimes there are questions that just seem to fester on and on. I've been divorced from my sons father for 18 years and if I allow myself to question why he cheated on me I find myself sinking to the place I was at then...some questions have no answers, but they never go away. Get help finding out what to do with them when they pop up.

 

Good luck...

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