Have we crossed the line yet?

[GreenBamboo]

Hi I need your advice.

A little background of me: since I joined this highly competitive company a year ago, my MM boss has been very pretective of me - even his boss talked to me twice hinting he treated me special, had no problem reporting to him(?) and got my words not asking any favor from him, no promotion in 2 years etc.

 

Now I feel somewhat emotional attached to him and I am sure he knows it. When I was tranfered to another supervisor I felt like a breakup since I had no reason to go to him anymore. But I wanted to let the feelings cooled down since I felt it was a disaster to get involved with a MM and we work in the same department. I went into him several times in the water room but just said hi and no more and felt unnatuaral - maybe this is why he knows there is more?

 

One software on my computer had problems 3 times and I had to ask him to fix it for me. The first 2 times he reminded me I shouldn't touch one place and I said I didn't. The last time I said I didn't know why it happend again (truth) but he said he didn't believe me - does that mean I got my software done purposely so that I could ask him for help? I figured as long as I don't admit/say anything it will pass.

 

So my question, is it open between us? Can I still pretend nothing -I am so not good at pretending.

 

Also did I hurt his feelings by not admitting anything? Somehow I felt I've hurt him and that's the last thing I want to do. Do you feel I am manipulative and cruel? He is 10-15 years older than me.

 

Thanks for any support.

[whichwayisup]

I think that you need to back off completely. This guy is a superior to you and he's married. People are talking and the last thing YOU need to deal with is - having an affair with a MM, let alone a boss. Being the office gossip isn't something you will like and it could very well ruin your professional reputation.

 

Do not 'talk' to him about your feelings or anything along those lines..Just focus on your work and once you leave work, put him out of your head. Start dating single guys.

[Athena]

Hi I need your advice.

A little background of me: since I joined this highly competitive company a year ago, my MM boss has been very pretective of me - even his boss talked to me twice hinting he treated me special, had no problem reporting to him(?) and got my words not asking any favor from him, no promotion in 2 years etc.

 

Now I feel somewhat emotional attached to him and I am sure he knows it. When I was tranfered to another supervisor I felt like a breakup since I had no reason to go to him anymore. But I wanted to let the feelings cooled down since I felt it was a disaster to get involved with a MM and we work in the same department. I went into him several times in the water room but just said hi and no more and felt unnatuaral - maybe this is why he knows there is more?

 

One software on my computer had problems 3 times and I had to ask him to fix it for me. The first 2 times he reminded me I shouldn't touch one place and I said I didn't. The last time I said I didn't know why it happend again (truth) but he said he didn't believe me - does that mean I got my software done purposely so that I could ask him for help? I figured as long as I don't admit/say anything it will pass.

 

So my question, is it open between us? Can I still pretend nothing -I am so not good at pretending.

 

Also did I hurt his feelings by not admitting anything? Somehow I felt I've hurt him and that's the last thing I want to do. Do you feel I am manipulative and cruel? He is 10-15 years older than me.

 

Thanks for any support.

 

No, you did not cross any boundaries so far. Stop thinking about his feelings! That is what will lead you into trouble with a MM!

Don't talk to him at all if you can avoid him, avoid him... you don't want to start a serious relationship with him!

 

It's a good thing you have a different boss.

Do not ask MM to help fix your software again... if it plays up again, ask anyone else, but in case MM is the ONLY one to fix it -- maybe you can ask your boss to 'get it fixed' since you've had multiple issues with it.

 

STAY AWAY from the MM -- for his sake, your sake, your job's sake, and even MM's wife and kids sake!

 

It's not your problem if 'his feelings' might be hurt (and no, I don't think they were, so quit worrying).

[GreenBamboo]

Thanks for reply so far.

 

AS for the changing supervisor thing, the big boss got transtered to another position. She is the evil one. Before she left, she changed most of the employee's managers. She played a lot of office politics that caused a lot people leaving. I think the 'romance' is the by-product of the office politic - my boss has been very protective of me. I work very hard too. I think I have alot of potential.

 

In the 'heat' of romance, he did mention he was married. Maybe he just want a ego-boost? I don't mind giving him that, but not the real thing.

[D-Lish]

Are you sure you aren't thinking something is there when it isn't?

You haven't mentioned anything at all that points to him having romantic feelings for you. You said yourself he got annoyed that you were setting up scenarios to have him come to your aid.

 

I think it sounds more like he senses your interest and is uncomfortable with it.

[Lyssa]

In the 'heat' of romance, he did mention he was married. Maybe he just want a ego-boost? I don't mind giving him that, but not the real thing.

 

Yeah... well I wouldn't if I were you. It could turn into something more (although I agree with D-Lish) and just effed things up for you and him (career-wise).

[whichwayisup]

? I don't mind giving him that, but not the real thing.

 

Why would you want to be his ego boost? What are YOU getting out of it? False feelings based on the fact that you have a crush on him and he'll never be yours? You're settling for table scraps! Rise your standards more and stop paying attention to him and giving him an ego feed. He's married so what's the point?

[Ronni_W]

I agree with D-Lish.

The relationship that you're describing is that your (former?) boss took a PROFESSIONAL interest in you, and acted as your MENTOR. When your mentor takes you under his or her wing, it can have the appearance of being "protective" but it is NOT romantic.

 

Romance is NOT a "by-product" of working in an office or any other location. From your first post, it sounds as if you've misread and misidentified what was actually going on in your workplace.

 

You also mention a "heat of romance" -- is that something that actually happened, or that you just 'saw' romance in what was an entirely professional incident?

[GreenBamboo]

I can only say that both I and him are somewhat sensitive.

[whichwayisup]

Meaning? He has feelings for you as much as you have feelings for him? Have you two kissed? Openly talked about your feelings?

 

Either way, he's married - That should mean offlimits.

[GreenBamboo]

I can only say that both I and him are somewhat sensitive.

 

When his boss talked to me hinting something, I didn't know at that time and got offended. I avoided my boss for a while (and he noticed it and told me) even not reported to him of big problems to avoid his boss's misunderstanding. I planned to leave. He finally got his boss gone.

 

Maybe there is nobody has been so nice to me before that I find myself attached - it should be much better now if I have been able to avoid him continuously.

 

I really hope he and me can be normal and friendly again. Is it possible?

[whichwayisup]

So nothing has happened between you two in 'that' way?

 

Only way for you to be friends again is when you get rid of your feelings for him. But, even then, what's the point since your dynamtic with him isn't the typical 'friendship' it was based on feelings, not talking and sharing, being included in eachothers lives, meeting his wife/kids etc.. It's a selfish friendship and isn't going anywhere.

[Athena]

So nothing has happened between you two in 'that' way?

 

She's being coy...

 

Tell us, young/green bamboo... What boundaries do YOU think you and your boss may have crossed?

[Ronni_W]

Maybe there is nobody has been so nice to me before that I find myself attached

GB,

I think that you're probably 100% right about that -- you mistook his professional interest for romantic interest. It was just a mistake that you made because (it seems) you were not too experienced about the working world when you started at this company.

 

Important to recognize that everything of a romantic or boundary-crossing nature has only been "happening" in your head. Likely your infatuation/ fantasy romance with your mentor became obvious, and his boss stepped in to try to save you from embarrassing yourself and your mentor.

 

It's NOT him. He does not have to change anything because this WHOLE time he was just being friendly/normal...he doesn't have to "go back" to being friendly/normal, or become friendly/normal "again".

YOU have to change your perception of the situation -- he is a superior who was/is professionally courteous. That's ALL. You have to treat him in the same manner...professional and courteous. You have to get it in YOUR head to just start thinking and acting friendly/normal.

 

Best of luck.

[2sure]

Unless I am missing something, you are imagining a romantic relationship. Further, if you continue to not go to him, as your boss, with the "big problems" you mentioned in your department...you are going to lose your job. It sounds as though this man is already concerned with your apparent affection.

 

Honey, regardless of the reason - you need to re-evaluate.

[Stung]

I don't see a romantic relationship, yet, but I do see that the OP is gearing herself up for one and I think it's very possible the MM/former boss is 'sniffing her out,' so to speak. When he was commenting on being repeatedly called to fix your tech problems, was he annoyed, or was he secretly pleased and fishing for affirmation that you had sabotaged your machine?

 

GreenBamboo, please don't take offense, but you sound rather young and naive. My guess is that the 'protective' nature of the MM might very well be him donning his shiny armor around the 'fresh meat'...armor that is probably far more tarnished and dented-up than you can see from where you sit. It might be purely avuncular, and it might be only that he gets a little glow from the gratitude of a sweet young thing, but that little glow can so quickly spiral and grow into something else, as can your seeing and responding to him as some kind of hero. This should be nipped in the bud.

 

Edited to add: It certainly could also be that he is trying to be a mentor, and GB has misinterpreted. Still, she clearly feels she is close to crossing some kind of internal boundary, whether he is or not.

 

Ultimately, this evil overlord big boss, whether actually 'evil' or not (and the truth is that very few people really are), probably did you a favor by transferring you.

[GreenBamboo]

When he was commenting on being repeatedly called to fix your tech problems, was he annoyed, or was he secretly pleased and fishing for affirmation that you had sabotaged your machine?

 

I am sure he is not annoyed. I am sure he jsut wanted to confirm that I had 'that' feelings for him. He did it also by accidently running into me in the water room. Although repeated machine problems do seem suspicious, but it's the truth. I didn't argue with him, just said "I didn't" - how to prove? He did check my computer history (or something like that) and seemed still not believe. I think he had confirmed from the water room that I had that feeling and then the repeated computer problem.....?

 

The 3rd time I didn't ask him specifically, he was intalling something new for my (and everybody's) computer, and I said 'by the way that part is messy again'

 

Mind you my computer got messy right the next day and now I just leave it as is - just messy, I can still work.

[GreenBamboo]

GB,

Likely your infatuation/ fantasy romance with your mentor became obvious, and his boss stepped in to try to save you from embarrassing yourself and your mentor.

 

Thanks for your comments. His boss transfered all his 10 employees during their 'fighting'. His boss isn't that nice.

[GreenBamboo]

She's being coy...

 

Tell us, young/green bamboo... What boundaries do YOU think you and your boss may have crossed?

 

I wanted to let the feelings pass. But he mentioned that I purposely got my computer done so I could ask him to come to repair - what does that mean? I did say "I didn't' (truth) and He said he didn't believe me. It's like he said "I know how you feel' and I denied it.

 

He is a very straight person but for these things it's better not being so straight!!!

[fooled once]

I wanted to let the feelings pass. But he mentioned that I purposely got my computer done so I could ask him to come to repair - what does that mean? I did say "I didn't' (truth) and He said he didn't believe me. It's like he said "I know how you feel' and I denied it.

 

He is a very straight person but for these things it's better not being so straight!!!

 

OMG - you are totally imaging things.

 

Can I ask, how old are you? I am having a very hard time understanding your posts.

[D-Lish]

I wanted to let the feelings pass. But he mentioned that I purposely got my computer done so I could ask him to come to repair - what does that mean? I did say "I didn't' (truth) and He said he didn't believe me. It's like he said "I know how you feel' and I denied it.

 

He is a very straight person but for these things it's better not being so straight!!!

 

I'm having a hard time translating your posts. There is obviously a bit of a language barrier. This leads me to wonder if you are misreading things due to cultural/language differences? Because honestly, nothing you have said is indicative of him wanting to have an affair.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm having a hard time translating your posts. There is obviously a bit of a language barrier. This leads me to wonder if you are misreading things due to cultural/language differences? Because honestly, nothing you have said is indicative of him wanting to have an affair.

 

Agreed.

 

I see nothing that indicates any kind of romantic interest on his part. Nothing. And the cultural/language difference (I assume) may actually be the problem.

[Athena]

I wanted to let the feelings pass. But he mentioned that I purposely got my computer done so I could ask him to come to repair - what does that mean? I did say "I didn't' (truth) and He said he didn't believe me. It's like he said "I know how you feel' and I denied it.

 

He is a very straight person but for these things it's better not being so straight!!!

 

He could be 'feeling you out' for the possibility of any relationship.

Do NOT go there with him. It will be nothing but trouble for you at work, especially for the other boss who doesn't like him.

 

Also, it will be heartache for you to get involved with a married man... ignore him... do not spend any of your private thoughts and time on thinking about him, because that is what feeds your love/affection for him.

 

Is this man from the same culture as you? Speaks the same language as you? Does he come from the same country as you? Or are you in an English-speaking country working at a job with local people who differ from you? I ask this to determine whether you could be misunderstanding your ex-boss's intentions...

[GreenBamboo]

Is this man from the same culture as you? Speaks the same language as you? Does he come from the same country as you? Or are you in an English-speaking country working at a job with local people who differ from you? I ask this to determine whether you could be misunderstanding your ex-boss's intentions...

My answer is No, No, No, Yes. But I have been in this country for 16 years.

 

 

He could be 'feeling you out' for the possibility of any relationship.

 

Could be. He is a very honest person and doesn't like anything wrong to an extreme than the ordinary person. He could like me very much for the personality. He got another female boss done when she got me in trouble when I first came to this company. This led to a whole year's of my trouble including from his boss, but he has always made sure I was OK.

 

I am happy he is 'feeling me out', that's what I want too. But by pointing out my feelings? Maybe here is the culture difference.

 

Next week I am going to have a conversation with him. I haven't had a *normal* conversation with him since I was transferred to another boss(suppose his competitor how evil the big female boss was). I feel so relieved and I hope he will too.

[Athena]

Next week I am going to have a conversation with him. I haven't had a *normal* conversation with him since I was transferred to another boss(suppose his competitor how evil the big female boss was). I feel so relieved and I hope he will too.

 

Oh dear GreenB, I see you are on the Path to an Affair... that is how they all start -- innocently.

 

Men like him do things for pretty young things like you, with the hope of shagging you.

 

I am sorry, but if you feel that he is 'feeling you out' and now you are going to have a conversation with him, then it is just a matter of time before he cleverly takes advantage of your feelings of indebtedness to him, and your feelings of awe and seeing him as a kind and helpful gentleman.

 

He, on the other hand, will happily say whatever nice sweet things you need to hear, and will gladly take your pants off. That's what MM like him do. Don't set yourself up. There is nothing but heartache waiting there for you. I know this -- my husband is just like this MM of yours. You will be crying in the future... my advice -- do NOT talk to him. Never admit your 'feelings' for him. Never ever step over the boundary. Be completely courteous and professional with him, nothing more. Thankfully you do not work for him anymore, so you can use that as an excuse to stay permanently out of an intimate conversation with him.

 

Think of your job! You could end up costing him his job, and you, yours.