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i have released myself


MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

The affair is over, done, finit, and I have closure.

 

We still love each other, and we still work together, but he is with her and I am not with him. He tried to leave his W and went away for a weekend, but then he went back the next day (guilt, pity, etc). We had stopped the physical and cut way back on everything else for a couple of weeks already because I had to protect my heart.

 

The reason he went back is there were too many unanswered, difficult questions, and he felt he rushed into leaving. He is very near an emotional breakdown, and is getting help. He is still not happy nor is he comfortable at home, and has a long road ahead to find happiness for himself. And he wants to do this before he can even decide if he wants to work on his marriage.

 

We have had several conversations and had a work trip today so spent alot of time in the car and we both left in a peaceful state of closure, and we laid down some ground rules for work.

 

While I continue to work on myself, I am also working on letting go now, and moving on. I won't rush into any new relationships while I try to find my own happy place.

 

Alot of you were right, some still way off the mark. It really would have been too soon for us to start anything.

 

I am not holding onto any of our dreams. Even if he is happy, healthy, and single in a year, two years, or only six months, I don't go back.

 

It's funny, once you have somewhat of closure, how you start to see all the reasons you won't go back.

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I hope you're coping well, MWC.

 

It's easier to let go when you have closure. Enjoy your life without the complications of being with a MM.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

Thank you. Last night I couldn't sleep. The remorse has kicked in. I am so sorry for what we did to her, and for what he is going through. I hope he can start healing soon.

 

He didn't want me to back off a couple weeks ago but today we agreed it was the best thing for everyone that I did that. It was the first step.

 

I know I'll still have moments but I can be quick to get past them, or if I'm alone, I'll have a good cry and hit the gym.

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It's funny, once you have somewhat of closure, how you start to see all the reasons you won't go back.

 

Wow are you right on with that one!! Very well said. And way to go on taking this very positive step for yourself, MWC!!:bunny::bunny::bunny: And I'm also glad you were able to get closure with him. Many (most?) of us never get that chance.

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whichwayisup

Take care of you now. Don't try to be his buddy or a friend at work, keep it as professional as you can.. Heal you and have fun at the gym.

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fooled once

I am glad for you that the affair is over.

 

Now you have time to find someone who can love you the way you deserve.

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hey, MWC, i've been off this board for a while and just popped back on to see what's up and found this. you and i were facing similar issues when i first started posting, although my affair had already ended. it's been almost three months now and although there are still pangs of pain and missing him, i have rebuilt my marriage and my life and am so grateful to have made it through alive. and yes, you're right, once you get a little respite from the maddening whirlwind of the affair you do start to see the flaws; this is right and good and something for you to hold onto. i am so glad that you made it out. the next little while is going to be rough emotionally, but there is clarity and peace and change on the other side. the truth is that a man who cannot muster the strength to choose you is not a man to put your hopes on, no matter how good a man he may be. no matter how much he loves you, no matter how much you love him, that final choice is the only thing that matters and if he is unable to do it, then you must protect your heart and move forward. it sounds like you are doing this and i am genuinely happy for you, despite how painful it is. my love and support goes out to you - let me know if there's anything i can do.

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the truth is that a man who cannot muster the strength to choose you is not a man to put your hopes on, no matter how good a man he may be. no matter how much he loves you, no matter how much you love him, that final choice is the only thing that matters and if he is unable to do it, then you must protect your heart and move forward.

 

That's the only thing that matters? By that argument, if your xMM turned around and changed his mind, you'd have to say that he is the good and right guy for you. And isn't it possible that MWC is going to hear those words some time? And what if you hear them from your xMM? what will you say?

 

I mean, isn't the fact that he chose his family a good sign too, and wouldn't you be likely to kind of melt for him again when he says "I tried, I tried to make it work with my family, to be noble and strong, but I can't live without you." Will you fall for it?

 

Just wondering...

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That's the only thing that matters? By that argument, if your xMM turned around and changed his mind, you'd have to say that he is the good and right guy for you. And isn't it possible that MWC is going to hear those words some time? And what if you hear them from your xMM? what will you say?

 

I mean, isn't the fact that he chose his family a good sign too, and wouldn't you be likely to kind of melt for him again when he says "I tried, I tried to make it work with my family, to be noble and strong, but I can't live without you." Will you fall for it?

 

Just wondering...

 

oh good lord, i sincerely hope not. i'd like to think that i've learned something from this, and i would be greatly disappointed in myself if i relapsed and fell for that. i never said that it made my xMM a bad man that he chose his family. it does mean that he wasn't as committed to me as he said he was, and therefore i am better off moving forward. it is much better on this side of the river.

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sure -- I guess my point was more that MWC has decided that his condition of being a MM -- regardless of whether he chose her or his wife -- is the key reason that this just isn't going to be good for her, ever, no matter what.

 

Not the fact that he chose his wife INSTEAD of her.

 

Sure, some couples go on to have happy, healthy relationships/marriages after having started out as an affair, but the condition itself -- the triangle -- the complications -- the craziness of it all just makes it pretty close to impossible to make something sane and healthy come out of it.

 

I think.:rolleyes:

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sure -- I guess my point was more that MWC has decided that his condition of being a MM -- regardless of whether he chose her or his wife -- is the key reason that this just isn't going to be good for her, ever, no matter what.

 

Not the fact that he chose his wife INSTEAD of her.

 

Sure, some couples go on to have happy, healthy relationships/marriages after having started out as an affair, but the condition itself -- the triangle -- the complications -- the craziness of it all just makes it pretty close to impossible to make something sane and healthy come out of it.

 

I think.:rolleyes:

 

i think we agree, but just put it differently. ;)

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

You are both right. I made it clear to him that he chose his wife's feelings over mine, and that hurt me deeply. I told him I hadn't put much emphasis on my feelings because I knew what he was going through, but that I DO have feelings, and they are hurting. Every time he tried to tell me he hasn't chosen "her" he needs to work on his emotional health and get well (he really is sick). But I just keep saying "You are still with her, sleeping in her bed, and you are not with me, nuff said". He agrees and leaves me be. And all is good. I can just see his pain so clearly though. stupid meetings.

 

I am still working on myself, making my lists of what I want and what I need to be happy on my own. This is yet another summer of being dateless and I am sick and tired of it already. But I have to get to a new place before I can think of starting to date again.

 

I also know my MM needs to heal, and I care about him so much I won't do anything to mess him up even more. He has a very good therapist from what I've heard. I hope he can work on his marriage too, but he is adament on fixing himself first, but I will leave all that up to his therapist and keep my distance.

 

So, truthfully? If a couple years down the road or even a year, if he finds that he is in his happy place, and has decided to leave his wife for good, well there is no "continuing". If anything were to develop it would be something completely new. A new fire. One that I doubt would start because of alot of the issues that came up for example, our age difference and the fact that he might want to have kids one day, and I am done. So if any new fires start a year or two from now, it won't be with him. I will have to stick to my guns on that, and it may not be easy. But that's what LS is for. Thank you. :)

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The reason he went back is there were too many unanswered, difficult questions, and he felt he rushed into leaving. He is very near an emotional breakdown, and is getting help. He is still not happy nor is he comfortable at home, and has a long road ahead to find happiness for himself. And he wants to do this before he can even decide if he wants to work on his marriage.

 

No matter how you slice it, his *reasons* are classic and typical of a man that was never truly planning to leave his W.

 

Somehow I don't get the feeling that you gained anything positive from this experience, though. "He put his W's feelings ahead of mine", and he shouldn't have done that? Why not? Because he was making promises to you that he really was in no position to keep?

 

At least it seems like you are going to leave him alone and let him worry about whatever is going on in his marriage.

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Somehow I don't get the feeling that you gained anything positive from this experience

 

Oh I beg to differ. She got rid of him! I'd call that a very positive benefit - and I feel sorry for the poor W, who now has to clean up the mess and deal with Mr. Messy (thank you Bent!) and all his drama.

 

Maybe one day she'll wake up from this nightmare too.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40
No matter how you slice it, his *reasons* are classic and typical of a man that was never truly planning to leave his W.

 

Somehow I don't get the feeling that you gained anything positive from this experience, though. "He put his W's feelings ahead of mine", and he shouldn't have done that? Why not? Because he was making promises to you that he really was in no position to keep?

 

At least it seems like you are going to leave him alone and let him worry about whatever is going on in his marriage.

 

I stated facts, not my reasoning. You are welcome to post your reasonings and assumptions but I'm not trying to "figure out" anything here, just stating my updated position.

 

Did I say I gained anything? Did I say he should have put my feelings first? NO, I did not. And I never ever had any expectations. I stated a fact, that he chose her feelings, and not mine, and that was enough for me to start the process of letting go.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40
Oh I beg to differ. She got rid of him! I'd call that a very positive benefit - and I feel sorry for the poor W, who now has to clean up the mess and deal with Mr. Messy (thank you Bent!) and all his drama.

 

Maybe one day she'll wake up from this nightmare too.

 

You are still very bitter from your marriage ending so I understand where your comment is coming from. All I will say is that the W is not blameless in the downslide of their marriage. I am stating that as a fact, not a justification in any way.

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hopesndreams

All I will say is that the W is not blameless in the downslide of their marriage.

 

Ouch. Not her fault her H is a swine though is it? No matter what she did or said, she didn't pull down his zipper and make him have sex with you. It was his choice, and his alone.

 

You did right ending it with him but because of so many of your pompous posts, I feel as though you are still in the game of getting him back. You both still love each other, how sweet, but .... she, his W, still has him, and that's the real shame in all this.

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I stated facts, not my reasoning. You are welcome to post your reasonings and assumptions but I'm not trying to "figure out" anything here, just stating my updated position.

 

Did I say I gained anything? Did I say he should have put my feelings first? NO, I did not. And I never ever had any expectations. I stated a fact, that he chose her feelings, and not mine, and that was enough for me to start the process of letting go.

 

What is the point in engaging in something life changing if you aren't willing to reflect on the life its going to change?

 

Did you say he should have put your feelings first? Not directly, but saying that your feelings were hurt because he didn't certainly implies that you want him to think of you first and not his W.

 

You never had any expectations? So what were all those long talks about how long he was taking to leave his marriage about? Certainly not HIS expectations.

 

I am entitled to my opinion, as you so correctly stated. I think his marriage might actually be able to heal now that he doesn't have to worry about those long nagging talks with you about leaving his M. And I think you are in a much better place than to be encouraging him to mistreat his W for your personal gain. No one has to agree with me.

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whichwayisup
I stated a fact, that he chose her feelings, and not mine, and that was enough for me to start the process of letting go.

 

If I were in your shoes and this was happened - I would assume that he loved his wife more than he cared to admit. If he didn't love her at all, or have any feelings of affection for his wife, then he would not have stayed and worked it out. People who know their marriages are really over, DO something about it, no matter what. Just look at Jon and Kate plus 8. Perfect example. And they have 8 kids!!! So, it can be done if the CS really wants out of their marriage.

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oh my gosh, he we go again, with the " he loved his w more. There are many reason mm goes back, and it does not always have to do with love for the wife. Have you heard of its cheaper to keep her? Hell if the w takes him back, he already knows what her tolerance level is if he has an A. He goes back, and after the dust settles he can play again. Is that what you call love, wwisup?

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oh my gosh, he we go again, with the " he loved his w more. There are many reason mm goes back, and it does not always have to do with love for the wife. Have you heard of its cheaper to keep her? Hell if the w takes him back, he already knows what her tolerance level is if he has an A. He goes back, and after the dust settles he can play again. Is that what you call love, wwisup?

 

This is prominent in your situation, it doesn't mean it applies here.

 

Your MM went back for a reason other than his W, or so he told you. But this guy NEVER even left! MWC's MM said that he felt "RUSHED" by the whole situation as MWC describes it. Sounds to me like he wants to give his M another chance. Sounds like "love" for something if not someone.

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If I were in your shoes and this was happened - I would assume that he loved his wife more than he cared to admit. If he didn't love her at all, or have any feelings of affection for his wife, then he would not have stayed and worked it out. People who know their marriages are really over, DO something about it, no matter what. Just look at Jon and Kate plus 8. Perfect example. And they have 8 kids!!! So, it can be done if the CS really wants out of their marriage.

 

Thats the key isnt it. Do they REALLY want out of the marriage.

 

All the infighting between the OW camp and the BS camp is irrelevant. There are MANY reasons why someone may wish to stay married, not all of them having to do with whether someone loves their W more of less than the OW.

 

The fact is if someone isnt ready to leave, it doesnt matter if his W is a cold witch and he will stay forever waiting to win her affection (and cheating in the meantime) or whether she will be burned at the stake by her family if she leaves.

 

The fact is the person needs to be ready in their own mind to leave. And if they say they feel "rushed" it means that they arent ready to leave. End of story.

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This is prominent in your situation, it doesn't mean it applies here.

 

Your MM went back for a reason other than his W, or so he told you. But this guy NEVER even left! MWC's MM said that he felt "RUSHED" by the whole situation as MWC describes it. Sounds to me like he wants to give his M another chance. Sounds like "love" for something if not someone.

My guy hasnt gone back... But if and when he does its not out of love for his w, its for the child. Oh, I thought mwc guy left... oops , my bad.. but still one always assumes its love, where its not always... just wanted to make my point...

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