thegirl Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I am married, been with him 15 years. Have 3 small kids. In a nutshell, had some issues with him over the years, and basically felt unloved and alone for atleast 5 years. We "get along" but we are like roommates really. Started talking to a man (i am 37 btw) i made out with when i was 16, and was unable to pursue a relationship with due to circumstances. we found each other in jan. 09. we talked about how we both had wanted to date, etc...but whatever...things progressed.from jan 09 until now..we live 4 hours apart. we have been seeing each other in person every couple weeks. we are completely involved, the most passionant relationship i've ever been in. of course i've never had an affair, maybe that is normal. i've never been so open as a person, either sexually or non, with anyone. i feel like i was made for him and vice versa. it feels so powerful. it's overwhelming. he is married too, with a young child. proclaims his marraige is essentially over, but would not leave unless i was going to do the same. meanwhile, my H got a job across the country and i'm about to move, and this has strained my marraige even farther, and has strained my relationship with the other man. he is very insecure about losing me. he is insecure in general, and doesn't feel like i would like him, much less love him... husband had a wake up call and he is now fully aware of how far he has pushed me..and has asked me if i found someone else. i will not tell him about my affair. he is giving me the full court press to regain my trust and make sure our marraige lasts. i've never seen him behave the way he is...he is very, very afraid right now. i told him it's going to take time and that i need him to be patient. the moving thing has really thrown me into a tizzy, he is already at the new location, so we aren't even in the same household right now. i guess if i want to give my marraige a go, i have to dump the other man, and it scares the crap out of me. i used to feel like my husband was my soul mate..and the love has been lost for now...meanwhile i have the other guy and he loves me like no one has ever loved me, the thought of losing that or giving it up...i can't hardly deal with it. i feel sick to my stomach... no matter what i do, i'm hurting someone. i've never even looked sideways at another man, so my behavior seems so out of control. i just wanted to throw this out there and see if anyone can understand, give any advice. as it stands now, H thinks i'm going to try and work on marraige. the other guy is sitting at work scared i'm about to dump him.....we had a rough night last night...the husband called crying and afraid that i'm going to leave him...all the while i had the other guy on the internet waiting for me. the whole thing sucked. i feel guilt, i feel like i'm stringing them both along....i don't know how much more stress i can take...moving my family across the country...having an affair, talking about my failing marraige with the scared husband who wants it all back and has commited to making me realize we can have it again. sigh....i know i've never posted here and i'm sorry..i'm off to read some other threads and advice. i'm glad i found this forum..this is a very lonely place to be. no one to talk to it about...overwhelming feelings.... Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 you are one selfish person. You have a H and kids stop thinking just about yourself. Let me ask, what have you done for your M? Marriage is a life long commitment. When times get a little tough you can't just spread your legs for another man. You have to work at it. Tell your H the truth and let him get on with his life. The par that is hurting your H is the not knowing. Think about someone other than yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I know you want people to "understand" but in reality you just want people to agree with you. Do you really think you are the first person to have marriage problems especially in a hard economic time like now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thegirl Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Oh, i'm sorry....you are obvviously offended. does it make it better if you know that he is addicted to porn and has phone sex with random strangers? is that what you want to hear? i was leaving that out of the equation, but if you want reasons why i choose my behavior I got a book of them Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Oh, i'm sorry....you are obvviously offended. does it make it better if you know that he is addicted to porn and has phone sex with random strangers? is that what you want to hear? i was leaving that out of the equation, but if you want reasons why i choose my behavior I got a book of them oh that makes it ok to cheat on your H and family with a married man. My bad you are clearly a victim. Two wrongs don't make a right and your wrong is a lot worst. What do you think will happen when both families find out? Do you think if you tell your kids "daddy watched porn so mommy got even" it will all be ok. You are a mother and everything you do will directly affect your children but the worst part is the fact that you have now included a innocent family in this. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 FYI, You might have been better off posting this in the "Infidelity" forum. You have an interesting opportunity here to sort out your feelings. It might be wise to go NC with OM and really explore how you feel about your H and being without him. You must make a choice though. If you feel like you are stringing them both along, it's only because YOU ARE. And that's going to make any person with a conscience feel awful. So they both feel awful and so do you. The status quo just isn't worth keeping. This A has been going on 6 months or so it sounds like. The OM clearly represents a lot of nostalgia for you, and that may be coloring your perspective. This whole, "I won't leave unless you do" pact idea concerns me. It's like he's totally ok carrying on an A forever if you're willing to as well. Anyway, what he does in his M is not your concern. If you have thoughts of leaving your M, you have to imagine a life without either of them. You have to leave for important reaons other than the OM. You can't leave one for the other without dooming yourself to failure. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy love Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 TG, wow, I do not envy you...what a stressful situation to be in. Do you want to move out of the country? You would be leaving everything, not just the affair, but your whole life as you know it, might make things with your H harder to deal with. I think you need to make a concious decision about your M. Do you want to be in it and try to make it work, or are you done. Until you make that decision within yourself you will be in this fog that you are in, not knowing what to do. Have you tried MC? Is divorce an option for you? I don't mean Divorce to be with MM but just for you to do what's right by you and give yourself a shot at a happy life. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I think you should tell your husband about your affair and let the chips fall where they may. Also the OM's wife needs to know. Bith these BSs are entitled to full disclosure so they can direct their lives and get STD testing ASAP. There are kids involved her, no? So, their parents need to be truthful and start taking steps to either end the marriages or reconcile. Only way to do this is to tell the BSs the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 no matter what i do, i'm hurting someone. i've never even looked sideways at another man, so my behavior seems so out of control. i just wanted to throw this out there and see if anyone can understand, give any advice. What you are doing now is hurting yourself. The question is: What do YOU want? In an ideal world, will you prefer a happy marriage with your current husband, or do you want a divorce from him? Your FIRST decision must be about you and your marriage. For the long-term, do you believe that your husband can offer you what you want and need to feel loved, nurtured, safe, supported, etc.? Do YOU have enough inspiration/motivation to give your husband what he wants and needs to feel loved, respected, adequate, competent, etc.? Those things have nothing to do with your affair partner. He represents an entirely separate problem/decision. I do understand your fear and confusion. The caution is that the infatuation/lust that comes with a new relationship fades fast enough in ANY case. The secrecy that surrounds an affair, the 'stolen moments' and red hot passion add to the thrill but, in most healthy relationships, the "honeymoon" stage soon enough gives way to a calmer, more peaceful kind of love. In reality, you are not powerless and out-of-control. You are making choices, and your choices are hurting you already and have the potential to hurt a great many more. What is your highest vision for your marriage? And then decide on how to make that vision come true. If it is that you must leave your husband, my suggestion is to do it for yourself, for your own happiness, to fulfill your own highest vision for your own life...not because there is some other guy waiting in the wings that you hope will make you happy. (He may be able to, or he may not. There is no guarantee, one way or the other.) Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 This is like the 3rd or 4th post I have read in the last week where posters are hooking up with someone they knew when they were kids (teens/young adults) and now think that those feelings from young, immature, inexperienced years is something that can be rebuilt and / or will take off from where it was left off. First of all - I would say STD test for everyone. You and him are exposing your spouses to potentially deadly diseases. How can you do this to him? You may be a porn addict or whatever, but he isn't potentially exposing you to an STD. And then think of the children involved here. These children have parents who are messing around and cheating. Lying, cheating, irresponsible behavior in front of children. I am NOT saying you are screwing this MM in front of them; but kids aren't nearly as dense as people think. They are picking up on the tension in the air. They hear things, they hear conversations. STOP. Determine IF you want to be married. If not, you OWE your husband an explanation of your behavior and why. He deserves to know you have been cheating. Come clean to him. Even if you decide to give your marriage another shot - get INTO the marriage and stop this affair. Think of the other people who are being hurt. I am not concerned about the MM - you didn't make a vow to be honest, truthful, faithful, etc to him. You owe him nothing. But you DO owe your husband and your children an explanation and your attention to them. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Oh, i'm sorry....you are obvviously offended. does it make it better if you know that he is addicted to porn and has phone sex with random strangers? is that what you want to hear? i was leaving that out of the equation, but if you want reasons why i choose my behavior I got a book of them Nope, doesn't change my opinion of you. Since he acted like a sleaze you decided he deserved a Mrs. Sleaze to go with him. So who will your children chose to emulate.....hmmm. Might as well flip a coin. Who wants to hear that you needed justification to do the wrong thing to yourself, your family and a other person's family. Does it make you feel better to see it in print? At least you did use the correct terminology, "YOU CHOSE THE BEHAVIOR". Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Oh, i'm sorry....you are obvviously offended. does it make it better if you know that he is addicted to porn and has phone sex with random strangers? is that what you want to hear? i was leaving that out of the equation, but if you want reasons why i choose my behavior I got a book of them Two wrongs don't make a right. If your marriage is that bad, and you're both cheating on eachother, come clean with him since you know of his cheating, TELL him you're doing the same thing. Get help, do counselling reguardless of what happens with your H. You need to think of your 3 young kids. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 What is your husband willing to do to win you back? What is he going to do with his addiction to porn and phone sex with random strangers? Tell him about your affair. I doubt that he will leave you. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 What is your husband willing to do to win you back? What is he going to do with his addiction to porn and phone sex with random strangers? Tell him about your affair. I doubt that he will leave you. I actually think he won't leave her either. You need to decide what YOU want. Regardless of the male you're with. If you aren't happy with your H and don't think you can get past the addiction to porn and phone sex, then you just can't. If you do love your H, then you can try and work it out. I really think moving cross country is a REALLY bad idea. You have no support system there and I think it's a real possibility you will become even more depressed. As for the OM, how do you really feel for him? Do you have a real R or are you trying to build on a foundation of teenage dreams? I actually wouldn't be surprised if this was an exit affair because I don't get the "I love him so much" about either of them. And it's ok to decide that you're not happy in your M or with your H and get divorced. Some M's just don't work out. And it's not necessarily anyone's fault. It's more a case of I don't want to fail so I'm going to just keep going. Decide what you want to do, what you want from your life and go from there. You will survive, your H will survive and your kids will survive, no matter what the two of you decide. Life has a way of going on, no matter what happens in our personal dramas. GEL P.S. Not everyone is so rude and disrespectful. If you get sick of the rude posts, put them on ignore or report them. I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hi there, just read the book " why good people have Affairs, by Mira Kirshrnbaum. Interesting book, explains 17 reasons why people have A. It walks you through how to make the best choice for yourself, to stay or to go. You can get some great advice here on LS, but there are many BS here who would just want to spit on you., they are still in pain. I would advise you to get yourself in ic, buy the book, its well worth it if you get a better view of what type of A it is, and why your in it, and it also helps you evaluate your m. Wishing you success and happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 and by the way, the book says " not to tell if you stay, you have your whole lifetime to make it up. I thought it was the best book I have read soooo far on Affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 proclaims his marraige is essentially over, but would not leave unless i was going to do the same. Usually when one person does end up leaving, the other person balks, chickens out and doesn't leave. If you both are going to end your marriages, let it be because the love is gone and the marriage is not working anymore, that it would be better to be apart than stay married, NOT because 'someone' is waiting in the wings. Link to post Share on other sites
joyz Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 i guess if i want to give my marraige a go, i have to dump the other man...meanwhile i have the other guy and he loves me like no one has ever loved me, the thought of losing that or giving it up... no matter what i do, i'm hurting someone... it is not as simple as you think. you are going to get hurt a lot more than you think, and ur H, and MM, W and kids. now you are feeling in control and think that you have a difficult decision to make and don't see the drama thats about to unfold. MM might decide to stay with W, and ur H if he decides to give M another chance might never see u the same. unfortunately the train has already left the station and you are in for a life changing ride. be warned that it's gonna be the most painful and dark ride, w miles and miles of tunnels ahead before u see any light. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Oh, i'm sorry....you are obvviously offended. does it make it better if you know that he is addicted to porn and has phone sex with random strangers? is that what you want to hear? i was leaving that out of the equation, but if you want reasons why i choose my behavior I got a book of them I understand how you feel. Porn is an assault on the very essence of a woman. When a husband does such a thing it feels like he is waging war on every part of our body, setting it out to ridicule and viewing other women intimately day in and day out. It feels like infidelity on RSS stream. It is gut wrenching and humiliating to be with a man who is sexually involved with 2d women. Then, hiding behind the fact that since they are not of flesh it somehow 'doesn't count'. I understand. You have to make a decision about who you are. Not in light of him or the other man... but who you are. Who you wish to be. Forget about what you are 'doing' or not 'doing'. Focus on who you are. The authentic you deep down inside of you. You are reacting to pain and an assault on your self image and perhaps this other man comforts the pain of the situation for you. It is easy to seek this sort of comfort but then again... as you see now... it is not so easy after all. One way or another it seems that two men are, in each their own way, taking from you... rather than giving. Your husband taking in the most obvious of ways. The other man is taking as well... but in less obvious ways. Pressuring you to 'be' for him. Pressuring you to 'do' this or that for him... all the while he is married with his own situation. Rather than adding to your life it seems the other man has also become a taker. You give to either man WHAT YOU can or WHAT YOU want to. But don't allow yourself to be depleted like a bottomless well filling the 'needs' and 'wants' of two men... with their demands. Step away from the other man for a while not as a sacrifice of your one true love, but perhaps an awareness that he is as exploitive of you as your husband has been. As for your husband, he needs to clean up his act. I'd come clean with him before you move out there but go into NC with the other man before you do so. You need to be for yourself for a little while to clear your head. Let your husband know the truth about your affair. Let him know that he's been doing far worse ... and forcing it on you day in and day out. And if he squawks, go into NC with him too. I believe in the marriage vow. Everyone who enters into it should or it shouldn't be spoken. But what you are doing now with this other man is more about your pain of humiliation and rejection from your husband than anything else. Please heal yourself. You deserve happiness, but I wonder if it is possible to find it when you are chasing after the needs of two men... Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 and by the way, the book says " not to tell if you stay, you have your whole lifetime to make it up. I thought it was the best book I have read soooo far on Affairs. lying your entire life is not the answer Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 lying your entire life is not the answer Some people think it is. They even write books about it that people buy and believe in. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I think you need to work on your M, and quit worrying about MM... he will not be left all alone, after all he has his wife and baby. Mino mentioned a book which she says has advice of not telling about your affair if you stay in the M, I believe in the exact opposite -- if you are going to stay in the M, tell your H, so you can IMPROVE the marriage! Tell H about the affair, since his gut instinct knows something is up with you anyhow, and NOW is the time to both negotiate your needs afresh in the M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 thank you all for the supportive answers, the answers that weren't so supportive, yet offered guidance. i wasn't looking for agreement. but i also wasn't looking to be spit upon. i thought this was a safe place to avoid that...but one poster mentioned maybe i put it in the wrong forum, so for that i am sorry. things are traveling down the path....he knows i have a friend, but doesn't know the extent, and i have no plans on telling him. it's just how i feel right now. H is coming home tonight, he is very scared. he admitted to me via email that he is addicted to porn and has been since before we were married. it's been a tough pill to swallow over the years. the requests to swing, be with other women, basically your porn lifestyle. my identity as a sexual being is shattered, and HE did that to me. i didn't mention any of this in my original post, b/c i wanted advice about the more simple problem. i know it's not that simple... i'm not trying to justify myself, what i've done was wrong, but i'm sorry, i can't feel like i'm just as bad as him. i've put up with this for 15 years. i'm an educated stay at home mom...and with the kids, sorta felt like i was trapped in this relationship...that may have been wrong...but it's what i put up with..i thought it was all i deserved. and then came along the OM (other man?) and i saw the light that it didnt' have to be that way, that someone could value me as more than a sexual outlet. i've heard of the Mira book, and actually went to look for it, but they were out. i really appreciate the poster who udnerstood dealing with a porn addicted spouse. i don't know if anyone can understand the pain that it causes. the way it devalues me as a woman and human being. it's very painful, and yes, i looked outside my marraige for acceptance. i asked and asked him over the years to stop, and he would say he did, but didn't. he claims he hasn't looked at any porn over the last week and likened it to "going without cigs for a week" thank you again for the advice and understanding to those who offered it. i'm not sure this is the right place for me right now, but i'm willing to read all the replies and take them to heart. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 thegirl, my xH had similar problems. When we moved into our new house the 1st thing he did was hang the sex swing in the basement. The constant requests for "elaborate" sex, costumes, etc. eats away at your self-esteem. I'd lost interest in sex altogether. I found out that he was "hiding" his pornos right behind my kids' videos, within their reach (I went NUTS, when I discovered this) and he used to yank my pants and undies down right in front of the kids. He thought it was sexually playful. I thought it was wildly inappropriate and demeaning. He pretty much ignored our kids because he was surfing porn all the time. For me, it was too much to put up with. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 There is a chapter on porn addiction in the book 'Why Men Stop Having Sex' by Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz. The entire book is worthwhile reading, but you may want to just check out the one chapter at the library. In hardcover, the title is 'He's Just Not Up For It Anymore' -- that title sucks but still same insightful content. Link to post Share on other sites
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