ex boyfriend issues with children

[boyse]

Hi

I've been with my partner for 3 years, we are both lone parents and live separately

My thing is this: even though I think her ex is actually a decent guy, I feel that he hangs around a bit too much.

 

My partner and I don't get that much time together as it is.

 

I just don't see why he just can't come around have a quick chat, pick up his daughter and go.

 

Instead he sits down has a beer or 2 and ends up staying for an hour sometimes longer.

 

Another thing is that she will at times talks to him over the phone about things that have nothing to do with her daughter.

 

OK they're friends u might say, but they were barely talking when we first got together.

 

I think it's important for separated parents to have a good/civil relationship

for the sake of the child which is what she says that they do,

but talking with him about his car or football etc.

isn't that at all

 

Another thing I've noticed about him is that he tends to go back to previous girlfriends a lot!.

 

I talked with her about it and she kinda freaked out, called me insecure and saying she will tell him to stop coming in

the house and then he'll stop seeing his daughter, and everyone will be unhappy.

(guilt trip for me to back down?)

 

This is not what i was getting at, I'm not trying to lay down the law or doing the alpha male thing, like i said i think he's ok,

just a bit in your face too often when we hardly get time for one another as it is.

 

Asked her if roles were reversed how she would feel, she said she'd be ok with it.

This is coming from the person who freaked out when i talked to one of my sisters friends at a party who's known me for 20 years.

[MistyK]

I talked with her about it and she kinda freaked out, called me insecure and saying she will tell him to stop coming in the house and then he'll stop seeing his daughter, and everyone will be unhappy.

(guilt trip for me to back down?)

 

Asked her if roles were reversed how she would feel, she said she'd be ok with it.

This is coming from the person who freaked out when i talked to one of my sisters friends at a party who's known me for 20 years.

 

I'm not sure this is the most appropriate forum for this, maybe one of relationships ones would be a better fit?

 

That being said, it sounds like your gf has some boundary issues. Her ridiculous response - that somehow her setting a boundary with her x about how much time he spends with her (your gf) means he would spend no time with his daughter at all smacks of deception. And the truth is that even if this is true - that he would abandon his daughter because he can't hang out with the mother (which I doubt), his relationship with his daughter should not be contingent upon a relationship with your gf. Something is awry in Dodge.

 

I'm guessing that when you asked if the situation were reversed, you got an immediate, defensive answer - as opposed to a careful thoughtful one. That's telling.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting she's screwing around with her x. She may well not be. But the fact remains that she needs to draw appropriate boundaries with him or your R with her is pretty well doomed.

 

Personally, my XH doesn't linger. He picks up or drops off the kids and that's it. When we first seperated he did, but not after a few months and everyone got used to the idea of us being split up. I don't linger at his place either, nor do I have any desire for it to be any other way. Our phone conversations are pleasant, but rare, and always pertaining to the kids or something directly relating to the kids. That's what works for us.

 

But I know another couple who regularly hang out as a group with the xH. (Interestingly, the woman was cheating on the xH with the boyfriend prior to divorcing.) Amazingly, the xH and the boyfriend are good friends and golf together alot. Part of the reason this works is that the xH and the gf do not spend alone time together - is that happening in your situation? I think that would make anyone uncomfortable.

[whichwayisup]

It's better for their kid that they are friends and get along well.

 

This is your problem and instead of getting hurt/jealous/angry about it, accept it and why not get to know her ex. He is a part of her life FOREVER because of their child.

[fooled once]

Hi

I've been with my partner for 3 years, we are both lone parents and live separately

My thing is this: even though I think her ex is actually a decent guy, I feel that he hangs around a bit too much.

 

My partner and I don't get that much time together as it is.

 

I just don't see why he just can't come around have a quick chat, pick up his daughter and go.

 

Instead he sits down has a beer or 2 and ends up staying for an hour sometimes longer.

 

Another thing is that she will at times talks to him over the phone about things that have nothing to do with her daughter.

 

OK they're friends u might say, but they were barely talking when we first got together.

 

I think it's important for separated parents to have a good/civil relationship

for the sake of the child which is what she says that they do,

but talking with him about his car or football etc.

isn't that at all

 

Another thing I've noticed about him is that he tends to go back to previous girlfriends a lot!.

 

I talked with her about it and she kinda freaked out, called me insecure and saying she will tell him to stop coming in

the house and then he'll stop seeing his daughter, and everyone will be unhappy.

(guilt trip for me to back down?)

 

This is not what i was getting at, I'm not trying to lay down the law or doing the alpha male thing, like i said i think he's ok,

just a bit in your face too often when we hardly get time for one another as it is.

 

Asked her if roles were reversed how she would feel, she said she'd be ok with it.

This is coming from the person who freaked out when i talked to one of my sisters friends at a party who's known me for 20 years.

 

She gets to decide her boundaries for her ex.

 

You can let her know it bothers you, but you don't get to tell her how to be.

 

Many divorced parents try to keep things business like

 

Many divorced parents actually make better friends than married people.

 

I think you do need to back off.

 

You either trust her or you don't.