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Waiting for her...


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I have been in and out of relationships for the past few years and I had no success to any of them. I've been burnt many times and I just finally decided to give up on the whole dating thing.

 

Recently, I had came across on myspace with this girl I fell in love with a while back. We broke up because of long distance and then later I find that she has gotten married and had a kid with this guy. So I left it alone, even though I was devastated because I was stilll in love with her. But I kind of blame it on myself because I told her I was with another girl at the time and we was kind of serious.

 

Anyways, back to the whole myspace thing... we started to talk and then I realized that she was being mistreated in her marriage. He would physically and verbally hurt her and I felt so hurt because I thought I let her go to a great guy. So we started chatting and calling each other on the phone, just reminiscing... the next thing I know, I tell her that I still loved her and she told me the same thing.

 

She tells me that she was going to tell her husband about us but at the same time she had to honor her marriage. She said that she feels obligated to work things out with her husband first. So we haven't talked for a couple of weeks, then she calls me and tells me that even though they're trying to work it out... she still cares about me. I told her that I was going to wait it out and see what goes on btwn her and the husband bc I respect her decision.

 

I love this girl to death and I would do anything to get her back into my life. But she wants to stay with this creep who treats her wrong. I know I can love her the way she wants to be loved, and treat her the way she wants to be treated. Why would she want to stay?

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Good Q - why would she want to work things out when he is physically and verbally abusing her??

 

Doesn't that make you think that perhaps things aren't that bad in her marriage?

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Like my situation, maybe it's just because she's been with this guy for such a long time and she might kind of got comfortable with it. plus, you mentioned she had a kid with him...sometimes that's all it takes to keep a person in a wreckless marriage. If you are willing, just be there for her as a friend so that you know she will be alright. She sounds like she could really use a friend right now. Maybe in the long run, she'll come around. But don't put your life on hold either.

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Good Q - why would she want to work things out when he is physically and verbally abusing her??

 

Doesn't that make you think that perhaps things aren't that bad in her marriage?

 

It does make me think, but these feelings I had for her once came back and it made me realize that the reason all my relationships failed was bc they were never like the one I had with this woman. And I know that she's unhappy with her marriage because we would talk for hours on the phone about her and her relationship. She tells me that she doesn't want to be in it no more but feels obligated bc he would make her feel bad for wanting to be with me after all the years they been together, and plus he's going overseas and she wants to be there to support him. It's just one of those things where it feels so right, but it's bad timing.

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Like my situation, maybe it's just because she's been with this guy for such a long time and she might kind of got comfortable with it. plus, you mentioned she had a kid with him...sometimes that's all it takes to keep a person in a wreckless marriage. If you are willing, just be there for her as a friend so that you know she will be alright. She sounds like she could really use a friend right now. Maybe in the long run, she'll come around. But don't put your life on hold either.

 

that's funny bc she told me the same thing. =) she told me that it wasn't fair for me to wait on her bc she didn't know herself on what she was going to do. she told me that if i ever met anybody, to just go for it bc i deserved to be happy. but for now, i feel that i'm more alive whenever i get to talk to her or hear from her.

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It does make me think, but these feelings I had for her once came back and it made me realize that the reason all my relationships failed was bc they were never like the one I had with this woman. And I know that she's unhappy with her marriage because we would talk for hours on the phone about her and her relationship. She tells me that she doesn't want to be in it no more but feels obligated bc he would make her feel bad for wanting to be with me after all the years they been together, and plus he's going overseas and she wants to be there to support him. It's just one of those things where it feels so right, but it's bad timing.

 

Seeing that she wants to be there for her H, I suggest the best is to just let her work it out. You can always be her friend but you're in love with her... so I'm afraid, one way or another you're going to cross the line and that would only make things worst.

 

Imagine what would happen to her if her H found out about you. I don't think it would be pretty seeing that he's abusive.

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sensesfail

Dude, you gotta go for the jugular! She already cares about/loves you, make her feel how it is to be with you again (you know what I mean?). Make her remember THOSE times!

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Dude, you gotta go for the jugular! She already cares about/loves you, make her feel how it is to be with you again (you know what I mean?). Make her remember THOSE times!

 

man. I don't think it's going to work if i force her out of that marriage. it has to be all on her. she has to leave him for herself and not for me. but i'm still here telling her that i love her and that i will always be here for her no matter what.

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sensesfail
man. I don't think it's going to work if i force her out of that marriage. it has to be all on her. she has to leave him for herself and not for me. but i'm still here telling her that i love her and that i will always be here for her no matter what.

 

F that man. You are NOT going to "force" her out of her marriage, you are going to "ease" her out of it. You are going to see her, meet with her, make love to her, fill her up! and make her realize she belongs with YOU! and you are not going to beg her or even ask her to leave her husband for you UNTIL she starts asking what is your future plan! Man, women are funny like that!

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F that man. You are NOT going to "force" her out of her marriage, you are going to "ease" her out of it. You are going to see her, meet with her, make love to her, fill her up! and make her realize she belongs with YOU! and you are not going to beg her or even ask her to leave her husband for you UNTIL she starts asking what is your future plan! Man, women are funny like that!

 

i resent that! that's not true. warren86, you are being a true gentleman! the only way to "ease" her out of the marriage is if you keep letting her know that you want her in your life and that is kind of forcing her out of marriage. she needs space to see clearly for herself, bc otherwise she's going to resent u later. if it's meant to be later down the road for you two, then you will have a wonderful life. if not, then maybe it was never meant to be. Either way, she needs her time to get herself out of this messy situation w/o feeling obliged to neither one of you. Like I said earlier, you can be a friend to her and make sure she's safe...but other than that, she asked for you give her time...so respect that.

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whichwayisup

I say back off and leave her alone completely. NO calls, no seeing her, nothing. IF she wants you in her life, let it be after she is divorced. If you continue this way, she'll just have her cake and eat it too.

 

Anyway, they have a kid, so it's doubtful she's going to leave. One thing to think about, MOST married folks who cheat on their spouses LIE and exaggerate truths to suit them. don't believe all that she tells you. This woman is LYING to her husband so don't fool yourself into believing that she hasn't lied or omitted truths to you.

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I say back off and leave her alone completely. NO calls, no seeing her, nothing. IF she wants you in her life, let it be after she is divorced. If you continue this way, she'll just have her cake and eat it too.

 

Anyway, they have a kid, so it's doubtful she's going to leave. One thing to think about, MOST married folks who cheat on their spouses LIE and exaggerate truths to suit them. don't believe all that she tells you. This woman is LYING to her husband so don't fool yourself into believing that she hasn't lied or omitted truths to you.

 

 

I don't think u should accuse this woman if you don't know what's going on.

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I say back off and leave her alone completely. NO calls, no seeing her, nothing. IF she wants you in her life, let it be after she is divorced. If you continue this way, she'll just have her cake and eat it too.

 

Anyway, they have a kid, so it's doubtful she's going to leave. One thing to think about, MOST married folks who cheat on their spouses LIE and exaggerate truths to suit them. don't believe all that she tells you. This woman is LYING to her husband so don't fool yourself into believing that she hasn't lied or omitted truths to you.

 

Nah, man. It's not like that. She told her husband that she was starting to develop feelings for me and bc of it, her and her husband is separated. Another thing is the whole "she'll just have her cake and eat it too" is not true, bc she told me that she couldn't do this with me bc she was still married to this jerk who mistreated her throughout her whole marriage and I got her sisters swearing it to be true. And she did tell me that the only way she could be with me is when she's done with her marriage with this jerk bc it wouldn't be fair to anybody. She is the most sweetest and honorable person I know and I respect her decision. I kind of put of put this on myself bc I wanted her back in my life so bad, that I told her I loved her even though I knew she was in a vulnerable state.

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Dude, you gotta go for the jugular! She already cares about/loves you, make her feel how it is to be with you again (you know what I mean?). Make her remember THOSE times!

 

 

Ya good advice, just go ahead and break up a home.

 

OP, she is lying. She will not leave her marriage.

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whichwayisup

I still say back off and leave her alone. If she is choosing to stay married, then you need to remove yourself from her life. IF she changes her mind and wants you in her life, let it be because her marriage didn't work out, not because she knows you're "waiting" for her.

 

If it's true she's being abused, then the last thing SHE needs is a man to rescue her and be her knight in shining armour. She needs to be alone for a while, become independant too, last thing you want to deal with is her past demons, insecurities in a new relationship. Hope this makes sense to you..

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I still say back off and leave her alone. If she is choosing to stay married, then you need to remove yourself from her life. IF she changes her mind and wants you in her life, let it be because her marriage didn't work out, not because she knows you're "waiting" for her.

 

If it's true she's being abused, then the last thing SHE needs is a man to rescue her and be her knight in shining armour. She needs to be alone for a while, become independant too, last thing you want to deal with is her past demons, insecurities in a new relationship. Hope this makes sense to you..

 

yeah. I totally agree you on that. Thanks for the advice. btw, what's wrong with being a knight in shining armour? lol.

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i resent that! that's not true. warren86, you are being a true gentleman! the only way to "ease" her out of the marriage is if you keep letting her know that you want her in your life and that is kind of forcing her out of marriage. she needs space to see clearly for herself, bc otherwise she's going to resent u later. if it's meant to be later down the road for you two, then you will have a wonderful life. if not, then maybe it was never meant to be. Either way, she needs her time to get herself out of this messy situation w/o feeling obliged to neither one of you. Like I said earlier, you can be a friend to her and make sure she's safe...but other than that, she asked for you give her time...so respect that.

 

i can't say i'm a true gentleman. =)

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You know zero about her H's treatment. Haven't you done any reading on the mental machinations done by someone that is cheating? It is almost universally true that they misrepresent the character and treatment of the betrayed spouse. Look up info on "cognitive dissonance" as it applies to infidelity. She is very invested in justifying this to herself and you.

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You know zero about her H's treatment. Haven't you done any reading on the mental machinations done by someone that is cheating? It is almost universally true that they misrepresent the character and treatment of the betrayed spouse. Look up info on "cognitive dissonance" as it applies to infidelity. She is very invested in justifying this to herself and you.

 

if u read what he says about her, i doubt that's the case.

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if u read what he says about her, i doubt that's the case.

 

I get what you're saying but I'm telling you she wasn't coming to me looking to cheat on her husband. she was coming to me for someone to confide to. Plus, I know this to be true bc her sisters and her friends claim that it's true for those whose around her 24/7.

 

The only thing she did was tell me that she loved me still on the phone, but she never went beyond that. she told me that if she was to get into another relationship she had to end the one she was currently in. She only started to tell me that she loved me after I told her first. Even after, she told me it wasn't fair for her to tell me that while she was still with her husband. she told me she needed space and to think things through and to move on with my life as well.

 

the problem is that I'm in love with this woman! I can't stop thinking about her and even after 10 years.. I still care a whole about her. I thought of her in my other relationships

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whichwayisup
yeah. I totally agree you on that. Thanks for the advice. btw, what's wrong with being a knight in shining armour? lol.

Because it won't be an equal thing if you two do end up together afterwards. You rescuing her from her big bad husband, and her rushing into your waiting arms isn't healthy or good for either of you.

 

This woman, if these allegations are true, isn't doing herself ANY favours by cheating on her husband with you. If anything, she's adding MORE stress into her life, imagine if he finds out about this? Why is she putting herself (and you possibly) in danger if this guy is physically abusive? Think about it!

 

Best thing is to leave her alone, let her divorce, get therapy and become a healthier person all around, then casually date her.

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You know zero about her H's treatment. Haven't you done any reading on the mental machinations done by someone that is cheating? It is almost universally true that they misrepresent the character and treatment of the betrayed spouse. Look up info on "cognitive dissonance" as it applies to infidelity. She is very invested in justifying this to herself and you.

 

sorry. i meant the quote on vangel2 to be yours. lol.

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Check it out. You really don't know what is going on. Regardless, cheating with her is not going to help her.

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Check it out. You really don't know what is going on. Regardless, cheating with her is not going to help her.

 

I concur. I would hate to share my lover with someone else. That's why I'm living it day by day.

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