Pregnant by MM

[DESTIE]

I am new to this board but I need some advice.

 

I have been having an ongoing affair with my married boss for close to 2 yrs. We were good friends and we were in love with each other. Even though I am in love with him I never expected him to leave his wife or for us to be together. I loved the time we did have but I also enjoyed my freedom.

 

In March I found out I was pregnant and I was devestated. I was taking BC however it had failed me. Once I told him he was very upset but I was confident I was going to terminate the pregnancy so everything was fine between us. When I went for my appointment at 9 weeks pregnant I could not go through with it. I cried and they told me to go home and think about what I wanted to do. So after some soul searching I decided I would have my baby. MM was very upset but I told him I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached. Of course he was fine with this and we continued on with our affair but knew once the baby came it would have to end.

 

Now I am 5 mths and I have decided I wanted him to be honest about this baby. It is as much a part of him as his son with his wife. Up until I told him I wanted him to be involved he told me every chance he got how much he loved me. Now, he has turned into a completely different man. He wants no part of me or his daughter. After some very deep and sometimes mean conversations I realized that he would never come around and it would probably be best for him to not be in her life.

 

Do I reach out to the wife and tell her about the baby? I don't want to ruin his home but I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences.

 

I would prefer we all came up with some type of agreement without going to the courts. Or should I wait and go to court and let that be the W's first time knowing of the child?

 

If there are any wives reading this I know you probably hate what I represent however I would love to know your opinion. Would you prefer to find out now or once the baby is born?

 

Also I will be leaving my job in 7 weeks so us working together will not be an issue.

[MistyK]

His W deserves to know the truth, but it should be from him. Ultimately your child's interests must come first, but I would give him the chance to help you financially first before you go to court. Would he give you support voluntarily if you asked? It doesn't sound like he wants to be involved in the child's life, so I'm guessing he's going to take the easy way out. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

[Jilly Bean]

"I told him I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached"

 

Now you are changing the rules severely to:

 

"I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences."

 

I won't even get into the whole affair thing, because it's irrevelant to the fact that you have gone back on your original agreement. Maybe you can explain the drastic 180 reversal of terms and also if you can understand him being pissed at you doing so.

[sugarmomma]

It takes two to play and his wife should know before the baby comes. You had a right to change your mind just like he changed his.

 

I would tell her and he would be held accountable for his actions. You didn't force him to lay with you. He wanted to enjoy the pleasure of having a piece on the side but now that there is a baby in the picture he wants to run. You will have to face the next twenty years or so raising a child emotionally mentally physically etc while he gets to go about his normal life. I don't think so.

 

You did the deed together now take responsibility together!!

[GreenEyedLady]

Don't talk or see him anymore.

 

When the baby is born have a DNA test then file for child support.

 

He should have thought about this possibility before deciding to have an affair. Now his cover is going to be blown.

 

Don't go to his W. That's his job.

 

Lay low and NC. Don't be left alone with him. Consider him hostile and take care of yourself and your baby.

 

Who cares what the rules were when you started. Situations change, rules change.

[Awesome84]

I would tell his wife because why should his life be 'smooth sailing' when he played a part in this too.

 

Don't do that to yourself. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

 

So what???.... He got to sleep with you and reap all the benefits of the affair until the s..t hit the fan and now he wants out??? F..k that!!!! Seriously!!!

 

Sorry this happened to you. I'm sure you are learning from your mistakes with this but he needs to learn from his!!! Give him a kick in the balls!!!

[Awesome84]

 

When the baby is born have a DNA test then file for child support.

 

 

On the other hand... after reading GEL's post... this is probably a much better option than what I said.... His wife will find out anyway.

 

What a scumbag!!

 

Take care of yourself and your baby. I know this is hard. You'll get through this!

[DESTIE]

"I told him I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached"

 

Now you are changing the rules severely to:

 

"I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences."

 

I won't even get into the whole affair thing, because it's irrevelant to the fact that you have gone back on your original agreement. Maybe you can explain the drastic 180 reversal of terms and also if you can understand him being pissed at you doing so.

 

I can definitely understand why he is upset. I went back on what was originally agreed on. I guess I thought his "love" would make him want to know OF his child even if he wasn't in her life. Even now, he can walk away and never see her. I would prefer for him to go away b/c right now he is saying he will think about being there but I shouldn't get my hopes up. He has no love at all for this baby so it's best he leave. The only reason why I am looking for financial help is b/c I am already a single mother of 2 children and they will be forced to make sacrifices.

 

I will try and do everything possible to get this resolved without going to court but if he is still fighting me I will go for support.

[Awesome84]

I will try and do everything possible to get this resolved without going to court but if he is still fighting me I will go for support.

 

While trying to go w/o getting support for your child is honorable.... It's also nieve...

I'm Sorry... this just hits a nerve with me because my dad was a dead beat dad and my mom took the honorable road and never got nothing! Not saying this will happen to you... but you gotta protect yourself and your baby. He can still be a part of the child's life even after you've gone for child support.

 

My ex-boyfriend did this with his daughter (not mine.. no kids). He paid child support and still spent time with his daughter.

[stillafool]

"I told him I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached"

 

Now you are changing the rules severely to:

 

"I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences."

 

I won't even get into the whole affair thing, because it's irrevelant to the fact that you have gone back on your original agreement. Maybe you can explain the drastic 180 reversal of terms and also if you can understand him being pissed at you doing so.

 

 

This is why there needs to be some sort of "father's rights" policies in place for things like this. I am not a man but if I were and a woman pulled this on me, especially when I've made my feelings perfectly clear, I would be pissed!

[sugarmomma]

I can definitely understand why he is upset. I went back on what was originally agreed on. .

 

 

It shouldn't matter that he is upset. He took a risk on you getting pregnant when he decided to dip his stick without a condom. I would not wait around for him to support the child I would go immediately for support. That way you don't have to deal with the stress of him not helping out financially.

[sugarmomma]

This is why there needs to be some sort of "father's rights" policies in place for things like this. I am not a man but if I were and a woman pulled this on me, especially when I've made my feelings perfectly clear, I would be pissed!

 

 

Father's right's my azz!! He should have used a condom. He knows what happens when two people have sex without a condom. It's possible that the woman will get pregnant (for whatever reason). He made a choice!

[Adunaphel]

If you decide to wait until the baby is born before going to court, please take precautions to protect yourself.

Make sure he does not get the idea that only you and him know about the affair and the paternity of the baby. Make sure not find yourself alone with him.

They are probably unnecessary precautions, but you never know.

[Jilly Bean]

This is why there needs to be some sort of "father's rights" policies in place for things like this. I am not a man but if I were and a woman pulled this on me, especially when I've made my feelings perfectly clear, I would be pissed!

 

I'm with ya, sister!

 

Affair or not, I think it's horrible when men get screwed in these situations. True, it takes two, but it's not like he was trying to get her pregnant and making her promises. Also, she said initially she was going to have an abortion.

 

I do think it's unfair that because women carry the child, that the father is removed from all choice.

 

I think if a father wants nothing to do with a child, and it's been agreed upon, then if a mother chooses to have the child, then she should go it alone.

 

JUST MO, and I feel this way about ALL custody/support situations.

[DESTIE]

Father's right's my azz!! He should have used a condom. He knows what happens when two people have sex without a condom. It's possible that the woman will get pregnant (for whatever reason). He made a choice!

 

Exactly, we got on the subject of protection but HE said how much he hated them, I am not married nor in a relationship so I had no one to answer to. I knew that BC was not 100%.

[DESTIE]

If you decide to wait until the baby is born before going to court, please take precautions to protect yourself.

Make sure he does not get the idea that only you and him know about the affair and the paternity of the baby. Make sure not find yourself alone with him.

They are probably unnecessary precautions, but you never know.

 

Yes, I am. I already had a scare with him in the beginning of the pregnancy. He came to my house late one night when I was home alone. He was yelling and it was a side of him I had never seen that made me uncomfortable. He knows that others know who he is, and his position in this situation.

[DESTIE]

While trying to go w/o getting support for your child is honorable.... It's also nieve...

I'm Sorry... this just hits a nerve with me because my dad was a dead beat dad and my mom took the honorable road and never got nothing! Not saying this will happen to you... but you gotta protect yourself and your baby. He can still be a part of the child's life even after you've gone for child support.

 

My ex-boyfriend did this with his daughter (not mine.. no kids). He paid child support and still spent time with his daughter.

 

I would love for him to be a part of her life. I know that the wife is a package deal, and I am fine with it but I feel like we will never get to that point.

[MistyK]

Destie,

You didn't "trick" him into thinking you were infertile or something (you have other kids for crying out loud). Birth control pills fail all the time, he knew that (as did you). Now, nothing says he has to be involved in the child's life (nor do you, you could seek adoption), but he has a responsibility to provide for the child financially even if he doesn't want her until he seeks to have his rights terminated. That's just life.

I still don't think you need to file in court yet. You can always do that anytime if he starts holding out. I tend to think it's better to try the low-drama way first before bringing out the big guns. You're going to have a hard enough time doing things by yourself.

This "men's Bill of Rights thing is BULL". If he wanted to protect himself, there's no reason he couldn't take responsibility for himself and get a vasectomy or use a condom. Period. Not like you get off scott-free here.

For what it's worth, I sympathize so much. I have 2 kids and getting pregnant by xMM would have been a nightmare that would have left me tempted to throw myself off a cliff were it not for my kids.

[girl68]

"I told him I would do it alone and he could walk away no strings attached"

 

Now you are changing the rules severely to:

 

"I refuse to be a single mother w/ no financial help. He played as much a role in this as me how should he be able to walk away and not suffer any consequences."

 

I won't even get into the whole affair thing, because it's irrevelant to the fact that you have gone back on your original agreement. Maybe you can explain the drastic 180 reversal of terms and also if you can understand him being pissed at you doing so.

 

I love this post, I was going to quote exaxtly that.

 

I mean honestly, why would you offer such an agreement originally? I mean DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sorry, but not really- it just seems so completly foolish to have offered such an arrangement.

 

And hell no you shouldn't tell his wife! You don't want to wreck a home... please... what do you think is going to happen? "Sure, you sweet little thing... I'll pay for my husband's love child!" Uhh hell no that's not going to happen. How old are you? You seem so young.

 

And I'm not sure where you live, but there is probably no way, no how that man is going to want to take care of you or be any part of that childs life, and to force it is so much worse.

 

I'll be willing to bet that he thinks of you, and that baby as the biggest mistake he's ever made.

 

I'm sorry, but I have not one ounce of sympathy for you. At first you sounded mature, like a strong woman who can handle her mistakes and take care of what needs to be taken care of. Then you say no way I'm going to go milk my baby's daddy.

[Ariadne]

Or should I wait and go to court and let that be the W's first time knowing of the child?

Would you prefer to find out now or once the baby is born?

 

I really don't understand when women do that...

 

It blows my mind.

 

You decided to have a baby on your own.

 

The guy didn't want anything to do with having a baby.

 

You didn't want to have an abortion.

 

And now you want him to pay for it?!

 

Wow, just wow.

 

If you want to have a baby so bad, deal with it. Yourself. He wanted no part and he didn't plan for this.

 

And the wife should never find out unless he wants to tell her.

 

(And now she is going to tell me that because he had sex with her, he must pay child support for 18 years)

[MistyK]

 

I'm sorry, but I have not one ounce of sympathy for you. At first you sounded mature, like a strong woman who can handle her mistakes and take care of what needs to be taken care of. Then you say no way I'm going to go milk my baby's daddy.

 

And here comes the venom parade. Everyone can sit here and judge destie for having the audacity to change her mind (dear God, do we still allow that in this country?), but the fact remains there is an innocent child involved here who deserves support and care. F-ck the MM if this event which HE CAUSED TOO disrupts his happy little life. Tough.

 

I'm quite sure that if she'd had the abortion there'd be just as many people screaming about how terrible that decision was. Give the girl a break. This is what the situation is, and focus on the child who didn't ask for this.

[Ariadne]

I'm sorry, but I have not one ounce of sympathy for you. At first you sounded mature, like a strong woman who can handle her mistakes and take care of what needs to be taken care of. Then you say no way I'm going to go milk my baby's daddy.

 

Well, what do you expect from some people.

 

Where do these people get a sense of wrong and right?

 

It's the law, I should milk his dad, he had sex.

 

OMG

[LucreziaBorgia]

You must understand this: your affair is over.

 

You have to stop talking to him. Do not talk to his wife. If you allow yourself to get pulled into this, he and his wife might just take your child away out of spite and make you pay child support. It wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

 

You don't have a choice except to be a single mother at this point. But, you aren't without recourse. Everything from here on out will have to be handled by lawyers if you want the best possible outcome for your child. Petition for a DNA test, and file for child support.

 

I can see from his POV why he has hatred and revulsion for you. You led him to believe the one thing that could have kept his ass out of a sling, and then reneged and basically turned his life permanently upside down. Of course, he is as responsible because of his whining about not wanting to use a condom but in his mind, you are deliberately f*cking up his life.

 

I don't think you are. But what I think and what others think does not matter. You are up against an angry and scared man now, and angry and scared people can do some drastic things.

 

He does not and will not see your child as anything but a mistake, at least for the short term. He is not going to magically want to play 'daddy'. He is, however going to want to play whatever he has to in order to get out of this, and with that - you will want to protect yourself. You are not the lover anymore. You are the enemy. Be careful.

 

I'd damned sure be on the horn with a lawyer, like yesterday documenting all of this.

[fooled once]

I feel sorry for him.

 

My views are you "tricked" him. He told you honestly he didn't want any part of this child. YOU chose to not believe him and now think he is going to welcome you and the child with open arms.

 

He doesn't love you. He never did. You were his side play thing that is now pregnant.

 

YES, it takes 2 to get pregnant, but you said you were going to have an abortion. NOW, you want to 'out' him to his wife and take him to the cleaners.

 

He has told you he doesn't want to be a dad to this child and you can't make him be in her life. ALL you can make him do is pay child support.

 

WHICH, he should; but don't delude yourself into thinking he is going to dump his wife and child and run to you with open arms. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

So either buck up and deal with being a single mom (because no matter what, you WILL be a single parent raising this child) or continue to pretend this pregnancy is going to change him.

 

Why do you think he is going to leave his WIFE and child for you? He isn't.

 

Yes, he needs to be financially responsible, but that is it.

[girl68]

And here comes the venom parade. Everyone can sit here and judge destie for having the audacity to change her mind; but the fact remains there is an innocent child involved here who deserves support and care.

 

I'm quite sure that if she'd had the abortion there'd be just as many people screaming about how terrible that decision was. Give the girl a break. This is what the situation is, and focus on the child who didn't ask for this.

 

My problem does not lie in changing her mind, my problem lies is the foolishness of such a initial decision. Why on God's green earth would she even think of such an absurd situation- don't worry, you can walk away scotch free not a penny paid, not a memory remembered. I mean she HAS kids she KNOW how expensive they are, she KNOWS how much work it is and how hard single parenting is yet she still offers such an arrangement. I mean s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y?

 

I'm not going to get into the aborition thing had it happened, I wouldn't be screaming 'poor decision' so I don't even have to aknowledge that argument.

 

Why should I giver her a break? She asked, I'm answering, she didn't say please be nice. I'm giving it hard, affairs like this often are recieved harshly, TOUGH (just like you said.)

 

BTW: an unhappy, unwilling daddy ain't a better daddy than no daddy at all.

 

My vote: sue his a-s-s get child support, keep your little mouth shut to his wife, let him tell her, and please don't prance around thinking: I don't want to home wreck. Give it up, you are and you have been for many months now.

 

 

Well, what do you expect from some people.

Where do these people get a sense of wrong and right?

It's the law, I should milk his dad, he had sex.

OMG

 

I'm not sure I get your post? Are you agreeing?