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Rambling vent...would like insight...


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StoptheDrama

Been having a tough week for a variety of reasons and I've found myself reflecting on some of my MM/xMM's (still trying to get the "x" to stick) bad traits...I'm wondering if any other OP or even BS have any insight...

 

To put it bluntly, on several occasions he has become very negatively critical of me. We normally will tease each other and pick on each other but always (for me at least) just joking around. He on the other hand will sometimes be downright cold, condescending and mean in his criticism of me. I've noticed that it sometimes has happened when I've told him things that indicate that I'm moving on or that he's not the primary focus of my life. Other times I can't remember the circumstances. One example several months ago I told him that I was planning on moving back to my old city and he immediately changed his tune. We had been having a good conversation but his demeanor changed almost immediately. I can't remember exactly what he said so I can't give examples. The other night we were talking about a possible interview I had for another job in my old city and it happened again. One example, as silly as it may sound, was that a work email I had written was not explanatory enough. No big deal, right? Except for the fact that not one week earlier he had told me that I explain things far too much...WTF??? I talk too loudly, talk too much, talk too fast, don't say enough, explain things in far too much detail or not enough, have poor timing, am not nearly focused enough, need to do this, need to do that...the list goes on.

 

And I feel like he thinks I'm beneath him, that he is somehow better than me. He defends this witch we both work with that he is friends with but who has tried (and succeeded somewhat) in making my professional life very difficult but then is hyper-critical of me. I know they've had their 'moments' (drunken text messages and some pretty risque dancing... )sometimes I think he only went after me because he can't have her...

 

So - after my long rambling vent session, I have two questions:

Does anyone else have experience with/insight into the hypercritical MM?

Am I crazy to think he only went after me because he can't have her? I'm not jealous of her; I actually think she's pretty much a piece of poo but the way he criticizes me but defends her makes me wonder...

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bentnotbroken

His character was evident by him being a MM. He isn't someone who is thinking of anyone but himself. Why wouldn't he go after other women's attention, it is what a cheating MM does...right? Sounds like he's a piece of work.

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Does anyone else have experience with/insight into the hypercritical MM?
Sounds like passive-aggressive behavior. He doesn't like it when you start talking about moving away (he perceives it as rejection of him), so instead of facing that issue in a straight-forward way, he "pays you back" by criticizing you. You made him feel bad, so he's trying to make you feel bad instead of dealing with the issue that made him feel bad.

 

Passive aggressive people are irritating as hell, and can make you feel like smacking them when they do these things that they KNOW will irritate you. But that's why they do those things - they KNOW it will irritate you.

 

Am I crazy to think he only went after me because he can't have her?
It's very possible, and another sign of his passive-aggressive personality. She turned him down or whatever, so instead of dealing with that, he gets involved with you in order to piss her off. In turn, she doesn't deal directly with him, but makes your life a living hell. And he defends her because he knows it will piss you off.

 

Geez, move away as quickly as you can! These people are toxic.

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Been having a tough week for a variety of reasons and I've found myself reflecting on some of my MM/xMM's (still trying to get the "x" to stick) bad traits...I'm wondering if any other OP or even BS have any insight......

 

If he's your X why are you still referring to him as in the present after your first paragraph?

 

In my past experience w/ a MM, he would be totally positive when time was in his favor. If it was inconvenient or not in the right time of the day for him, he would act irritated or as if I was bothering him. Even when he called me sometimes.

 

The way he defends the other OW, it does sound like he values her. I don't come to some-one's defense unless I care for them be it friend or more. Don't you agree?

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StoptheDrama
If he's your X why are you still referring to him as in the present after your first paragraph?

 

I ended the A the other week but have since slipped up (again :() and am working on changes to make it final.

 

In my past experience w/ a MM, he would be totally positive when time was in his favor. If it was inconvenient or not in the right time of the day for him, he would act irritated or as if I was bothering him. Even when he called me sometimes.

 

He acts the same way - must be that control issue...

 

The way he defends the other OW, it does sound like he values her. I don't come to some-one's defense unless I care for them be it friend or more. Don't you agree?

 

I agree very much. He always begins with "I'm not defending X but...". Isn't there a saying about anything said before a 'but' being bullsh**?

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Girl, when are you going to stop this drama for real?

 

I can only imagine what that "witch" at work knows and what she thinks about you as a result.

 

Step back and make that "X" stick like crazy glue.

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I dont recall if he is your boss but working with xMM the best thing to do is to keep the conversations as brief as possible.

 

He is no longer the best person to b*tch about colleagues with or to discuss strategies with if you dont have to.

 

Its hard to lose that special bond at work, but its part of the end of the A.

 

He may be provoking you intentionally. He may not be. Owl told me many times that the love can turn to hate and it is tricky when that happens at work.

 

I went through a recent drama with that and its all simmered down now, but it was upsetting and a total waste of time and attention.

 

And now I am having the nightmares again. Last night I dreamt that unbeknownst to me, he left his W about a year ago and was living with someone else and recently broke up and when I asked him, he said he never loved me "that way). When I woke up I was devastated not realizing it was a dream. It seemed so real.

 

Dealing with the xMM at work does provoke anxiety. What you have to realize is it feels like he is doing this "to you". And to some extent he is.

 

But really he is coping with his emotions about the affair ending and still having to work with YOU. And obviously his method of coping with it is to find fault with you. He is taking you down off the pedestal. It hurts but if you see it for what it is, that may make it easier. You just have to give him as little opportunity as possible.

 

Its not a one sided equation. I dont know if that helps at all.

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I dont recall if he is your boss but working with xMM the best thing to do is to keep the conversations as brief as possible.

 

He is no longer the best person to b*tch about colleagues with or to discuss strategies with if you dont have to.

 

Its hard to lose that special bond at work, but its part of the end of the A.

 

He may be provoking you intentionally. He may not be. Owl told me many times that the love can turn to hate and it is tricky when that happens at work.

 

I went through a recent drama with that and its all simmered down now, but it was upsetting and a total waste of time and attention.

 

And now I am having the nightmares again. Last night I dreamt that unbeknownst to me, he left his W about a year ago and was living with someone else and recently broke up and when I asked him, he said he never loved me "that way). When I woke up I was devastated not realizing it was a dream. It seemed so real.

 

Dealing with the xMM at work does provoke anxiety. What you have to realize is it feels like he is doing this "to you". And to some extent he is.

 

But really he is coping with his emotions about the affair ending and still having to work with YOU. And obviously his method of coping with it is to find fault with you. He is taking you down off the pedestal. It hurts but if you see it for what it is, that may make it easier. You just have to give him as little opportunity as possible.

 

Its not a one sided equation. I dont know if that helps at all.

my expirence with xmm at work has been great! I ignore him, I laugh alot, flirt, strive even more to be successfull, look great everday with my new wardrobe, :cool: While he looks sad, miserable, head in the computer and is not doing that great in the success department. Hmmm its fun to go to work!:laugh:
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Yes but you have a different attitude about it than Stop does. We could both take a leaf out of your book.

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Yes but you have a different attitude about it than Stop does. We could both take a leaf out of your book.
I guess after almost 5 years with a mental case, I should have a different outlook. Its my turn now, and I am grabbing it with both hands.:laugh:
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Yes but you have a different attitude about it than Stop does. We could both take a leaf out of your book.
JJ33, I am not as cold as it sounds, I do still have feelings, but you got to fake it to you make it, ya know. We have wasted enough energy on this mm. You know were we could be if we put that energy back into us? Think about it!!!
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JJ33, I am not as cold as it sounds, I do still have feelings, but you got to fake it to you make it, ya know. We have wasted enough energy on this mm. You know were we could be if we put that energy back into us? Think about it!!!
Gee, If I think about it, all the pampering, all the education i got reading up and going to doctors for his illness, all the time wasted on him, listening to his problems, drying his tears, really, Yup, foot forward, to the top of the mountain! You all should join me.;)
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Im not criticizing. I admire the way you have handled this. I looked at the Escada pre fall line and I have to say that turquoise and black number would be awesome if I lose some weight... if only my credit cards could fake it til I make it:p

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White Flower

Sounds like your MM is a narssiccist. He will always be number one in his life.

 

I on the other hand had a pleaser for a MM. I could do or say no wrong. After a while, I had to begin questioning his sincerity. Loved it to pieces because it was always so sweet, but nobody could be that perfect, not even me!<sincerely blushes>

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Im not criticizing. I admire the way you have handled this. I looked at the Escada pre fall line and I have to say that turquoise and black number would be awesome if I lose some weight... if only my credit cards could fake it til I make it:p
Hey, you will look and feel wonderful in them, JJ, go out and splurge, when is the last time you did something for yourself? And as long as there is room on the card, go for it, my american express talks to me too, but who cares, life is too short. Now get going, before somebody eles grabs the dress. :)
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So - after my long rambling vent session, I have two questions:

Does anyone else have experience with/insight into the hypercritical MM?

I have been the OW twice... the first MM not only did not give a **** about me, but enjoyed hurting me on purpose... either by making some critical comments that sounded casual, or by making downright degrading comments. It was all about control and about him being a mean, sad, frustrated and worthless person.

 

Am I crazy to think he only went after me because he can't have her?

I do not think this is necessarily the case (it is more likely that he "just" realized that defending her while criticizing you touches a soft chord with you and he is enjoying it.

 

Honestly??

I think that a MM who is being so hypercritical of the OW either does not give a **** about her *and* is a mean spirited jerk,

or is just a person with relationship problems (and who is also hypercrytical of his W).

Either case, it is not about you.

Absolutely keep it in mind...nothing better than an A with an hypercritical MM who treats you poorly to slowly shred your self esteem to pieces.

 

I'd be curious to know whether he is so critical towards his W, too.

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So - after my long rambling vent session, I have two questions:

Does anyone else have experience with/insight into the hypercritical MM?

 

<Sigh> how these Narcissistic Significant Other's drive us crazy and onto these boards!

 

Please google Narcissist, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Good luck with trying to understand him! He is an enigma of Contradictions, and you will be wasting your time to make any sense of it.

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White Flower
Sounds like your MM is a narcissist. He will always be number one in his life.

 

I on the other hand I had a pleaser for a MM. I could do or say no wrong. After a while, I had to begin questioning his sincerity. Loved it to pieces because it was always so sweet, but nobody could be that perfect, not even me!<sincerely blushes>

 

Did I mention that my exH was a narcissist? How easy was it for me to begin the end of my M then allow myself to fall in love with a pleaser?

 

I can't imagine it being the other way around, it just wouldn't make sense. Even if I were single I could not imagine falling in love with a narcissist EXCEPT if your MM had tricked you into thinking he was wonderful only to show his true colors later. My exH did this but then again I was very young and easily fooled.

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Even if I were single I could not imagine falling in love with a narcissist EXCEPT if your MM had tricked you into thinking he was wonderful only to show his true colors later. My exH did this but then again I was very young and easily fooled.

 

Yeah, I think it's a prerequisite for a narcissistic person to entrap an innocent naive and YOUNG person... I told my H recently, that he will have a problem getting married again, because now that he's 49, the age group of women he will be targeting will be too wise, experienced and clued up! They will see the red flags and run!:p

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Yeah, I think it's a prerequisite for a narcissistic person to entrap an innocent naive and YOUNG person... I told my H recently, that he will have a problem getting married again, because now that he's 49, the age group of women he will be targeting will be too wise, experienced and clued up! They will see the red flags and run!:p

 

LOL. Only thing is he's not likely to date his age group, but the group of younger women who think its says something special about them in dating an older man.

 

Regarding the OP, though. Narcissism or not, just ignore the boob and stop engaging him. I dated AND dumped a narcissist. They do keep trying for a bit, but you just have to stop giving them any clues that you MIGHT still be interested or that anything they say has any effect on you.

 

When they can't play your emotions like a violin, they tend to disappear.

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torranceshipman

Maybe I've read this completely wrong, but it kind of sounds to me like he's having an A with this witch in the office, too....their behavior seems to suggest it, i.e. he is keen on her, defends her, and she doesn't like/resents you...maybe she is the OOW....

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