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confused_chica

Let me start by saying that I've gotten myself into a real pickle and I'm finding myself tortured daily over what my life has become.

 

A little background on me: I've been with my husband for 8 years and have been married for four. We do not have any children. When I met him I realized he was my "perfect" man. He's been my best friend and I truly love him. I love spending time with him, trust him with all my heart, know that he is an amazing person, and that I'm lucky to have him in my life. The people I dated before him had such flaws that when I met my DH, it was like the sky opened up. There was one thing that fell short not too far after we started- the physical side. As we became more comfortable with each other, my "in love" rapidly morphed to "love." Maybe some of the early passion was its newness, some was my happiness at finding someone who shared so many of my dreams and values, some was the thrill of a new relationship. Regardless, the attraction didn't last (and I hate that it went that way). We have tried a thousand ways to fix that side of the relationship, but have so far been completely unsuccessful.

 

After a lengthy amount of therapy, I've come to realize that I love him more than I can say, but I am not in love with him, and haven't been for many years. He, on the other hand, is truly, madly, deeply in love with me, and can't imagine spending even a moment without me. He has deep, life-long psychological issues and I fear that the ending of our relationship would be too severe for him to take. For years I felt that I could live forever like this, and have pushed aside these fears that I made a huge mistake, knowing that I have made a commitment and that I should do everything I can to keep that in tact.

 

Fast forward to the last year and to the bitter irony of my life. I have a close male friend that I have bonded with over similar life situations. Nothing physical has ever happened with him, and probably never will. Nonetheless, I have come to the painful realization that I am in love with him. So at this point, I am tortured by my love for my husband and the fact that I cannot give him the love he deserves, while also being tortured by the passion I feel for someone else. How does the other man feel about me? All I can say is that it's complicated. At this point all we are providing to each other is friendship and support through the difficulties in our lives.

 

Yeah, I get it. I'm evil. I'm also human, and obviously make mistakes. But none of this came from any intention of malice, or the desire to hurt those I care the most about. I really don't know what to do at this point, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it. My therapist has provided thoughts on the matter but I could use the advice of more than one person that's not involved. I appreciate your help.

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whichwayisup

Start by talking to your husband - That is, if you want to save your marriage.. Maybe if you two did marriage counselling together, could it get better?

 

When you say you're not inlove with him, are you talking sexually he doesn't do it for you, or he doesn't make your heart pound anymore? Honestly, it sounds like the 7 year itch in some sense, once the passion settles, life gets routine, you two get comfortable with eachother.. And now you're questioning it all. Maybe I'm wrong here?

 

If you truly find yourself wanting out, do it because you're no longer happy anymore and you'll be happier alone - WITHOUT the OM in your life or reason to leave your marriage. That passion you feel with the OM has been stolen from your husband, no marriage partner can match that new 'crush like and intense' feelings a new person brings along.

 

Anyway, it would be a real shame to throw away a pretty good marriage, all because someone else has stolen your heart, made you wonder and question what you feel for your husband. But again, if you want out, you get out and don't stay married in fear of what your husband will do or say. This is your life and if it's that bad, end it, divorce and find 'you' again before you go off with someone else.

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confused_chica

Thank you. I see why you've posted so much. You've got a great head on your shoulders! :)

 

To give a little more info, we have done marriage counseling, and we keep coming to this same stopping point. We talk. A LOT. We talk and talk and talk and talk- to fix it, to be more open, to better ourselves. Usually we are each others support network for the good and bad of life, and communication has been a great part of our relationship.

 

It's true. Most things are great, but a few key elements are completely lacking. He doesn't support my desire for freedom (not physical freedom- more my desire to grow, travel, do things on my own...), and I don't support his very fair need for attention.

 

Yes, the physical side is an important one. It's just not there. Emotionally, spiritually, it's all good. But when it comes to almost ANY physical aspect, I'm totally empty. When we are close it's good (not great), but it's rare and I usually have to spend half the day convincing myself that we should be together. The problem w/ my desire has been almost from the beginning, definitely not since OM came into the picture. It is true though that this "dead inside" feeling I've had for years has finally been rekindled, if only in the recesses of my mind... It's crazy, I feel like my life has become some sort of twisted storybook.

 

It's late, so I'll check back in here again tomorrow! Thanks!!!

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Chrome Barracuda

You need to tell your husband the truth, and let him in on what your doing, he's misinformed of what his wife is doing and truly feeling. Your in a fog, once this OM leaves you alone you realize you could have had the best man in the world and guess what something is wrong with you! not your husband, your empty because of you. The only person you can control is you.

 

It all boils down to you.

 

So what do you want to do. I'm an advocate of tough love but in the end if it end's it's on your head so dont blame your husband for anything. You know how many women out here are getting beat and abused and stepped on by their S.O's or husbands?

 

I tell you this once you leave I bet your husband would have no problem finding some new woman to be with and the OM will get tired of you and he wont like the fact of you using him.

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If you are not attracted or in love with your H, the only fair thing to do is to tell him amd leave. It will, no doubt, be paiful for him. But, he, like you , deserves some passion in his life.

Why did you marry him, if you were not attracted to him? And, why do you think he is satisfied knowing he is not attractive to you sexually?

Cudos to you for not going physical with your male friend. But, it does seem you have broken your vow re the emotional fidelity aspect.

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White Flower

Have you and your H gone for sex therapy? I am wondering if you will repeat a pattern of falling in love only to find the lust fades away. I am not projecting, just wondering. You said all the previous guys you dated had flaws and your H had more redeeming qualities. Perhaps your criteria is too high? Again, just posing a question for you to ponder, not judging. How long have you felt that the passion will not return? Is there any glimmer of hope?

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PhoenixRise

Sex therapy might be a good idea for you and your husband.

 

or Maybe you guys could try Tantra. It may help you guys connect sexually.

 

It sounds like your husband is a good man and you love him. If you have any interest at all in saving your marriage then you have to get this OM out of your life and put all your energy into that effort.

 

If you truly don't think there is any hope for the marriage then give your husband who you say you love the respect he deserves and let HIM go.

 

 

In all your talking, have you ever said to your husband flat out that you are not sexually excited by him?

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Your marriage sounds like mine, except the dynamics were reversed. She loved the physical side, when we could agree long enough to make it there, but she could not invest emotionally in me. One day when she was really mad, towards the end, she told me that I was a good father and good in bed, but I pretty much sucked otherwise. LOL. One is as bad as the other though, and your problem has led you right to where it took my wife... an emotional affair. You can probably fix this by going home and telling your husband everything that has happened, then tell him that you love HIM and you want to fix things. Then prove beyond a doubt that you are done with the OM completely. That's the first step if you want to fix the marriage. The longer you delay, the worse it will be.

 

I'm an OM right now myself, so this might sound crazy coming from me... but I can tell that the right thing for YOU and your mental well being is to get the OM out of your life for now. Your husband can't compete with those butterflies in your stomach and the sweaty palms you get when you think about the OM, especially right now when he does not even know that the OM exists. The exciting new and the feelings associated with the OM might feel wonderful, but they should be seen for what they are. They always fade with time, and you once felt those same feelings for your husband, even if you can't clearly remember that now because your mind has blocked it out to help you justify the affair. The marriage can not be fixed with the OM in the picture, and since you are in an affair "fog" you will not be basing any of your choices on rational thought. YOU cannot be fixed, at this point anyway, with the OM in the picture. He will wait until you sort your life out, that is if he is even really worth all of this. Once you step out of the fog you might see him much more clearly.

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After a lengthy amount of therapy, I've come to realize that I love him more than I can say, but I am not in love with him, and haven't been for many years. He, on the other hand, is truly, madly, deeply in love with me, and can't imagine spending even a moment without me. He has deep, life-long psychological issues and I fear that the ending of our relationship would be too severe for him to take. For years I felt that I could live forever like this, and have pushed aside these fears that I made a huge mistake, knowing that I have made a commitment and that I should do everything I can to keep that in tact.

 

So I notice a few things here...

 

1) Are you SURE you realized you weren't in love with him before you fell for the OM? That's what I told myself too, when I was in my affair fog: that I had fallen out of love with my H long before. In retrospect, I'm not so sure. I do think that my feelings for my H had gotten bogged down and tangled up. Bot to say I was "out of love" was more of an excuse for staying involved with OM.

2) I wonder if your H's "life-long psychological issues" are bogging you down and tangling you up inside, making it very hard for you to understand your role in his life...are you his emotional partner or his caretaker/guardian. The latter ain't all that sexy. I know, trust me.

3) I also wonder if your sense of your H being "truly, madly, deeply" in love with you makes you feel guilty and even a bit resentful and, my dear, a bit complacent?

 

Try this on for size: how do you think you would feel if your husband fell truly, madly, deeply for someone else? Would you be willing to let him go? Or do you think it might shake you out of your current state of ambivalence. You may think it's impossible for that to happen -- I did. But I doubt your husband will long tolerate being your sloppy seconds, emotional or otherwise and he may just start to take his beautiful self on the road.

 

Would that be a relief to you? or would it break your heart? something to think about.

 

You sound like a thoughtful, reflective, caring person, but you are headed down a rabbit hole, baby. Good luck to you...

 

(why is this in OW/OM forum??)

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fooled once
So I notice a few things here...

 

1) Are you SURE you realized you weren't in love with him before you fell for the OM? That's what I told myself too, when I was in my affair fog: that I had fallen out of love with my H long before. In retrospect, I'm not so sure. I do think that my feelings for my H had gotten bogged down and tangled up. Bot to say I was "out of love" was more of an excuse for staying involved with OM.

2) I wonder if your H's "life-long psychological issues" are bogging you down and tangling you up inside, making it very hard for you to understand your role in his life...are you his emotional partner or his caretaker/guardian. The latter ain't all that sexy. I know, trust me.

3) I also wonder if your sense of your H being "truly, madly, deeply" in love with you makes you feel guilty and even a bit resentful and, my dear, a bit complacent?

 

Try this on for size: how do you think you would feel if your husband fell truly, madly, deeply for someone else? Would you be willing to let him go? Or do you think it might shake you out of your current state of ambivalence. You may think it's impossible for that to happen -- I did. But I doubt your husband will long tolerate being your sloppy seconds, emotional or otherwise and he may just start to take his beautiful self on the road.

 

Would that be a relief to you? or would it break your heart? something to think about.

 

You sound like a thoughtful, reflective, caring person, but you are headed down a rabbit hole, baby. Good luck to you...

 

(why is this in OW/OM forum??)

 

Great post!

 

I was thinking the same thing; that maybe the new fluttery feelings you are having for this OM is fogging up your brain and you are thinking after 8 years of marriage, you should still get those feelings all the time.

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sugarmomma

Yea this is the wrong forum.

 

But its possible that the sex could be bad with this OM also. I would suggest that since you love your husband to find ways to spice up the sex life.

 

Has he let himself go physically or whats so bad about the sex NOW that must have been good at one point?

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confused_chica

So much to reply to! Thank you all for the thoughts and insight. Let me see if I can get through as much of this as possible.

 

Chrome B - I hear what you are saying. Perhaps none of it is his "fault"... We both have gone into this knowing the challenges we faced with each other. Neither of us is perfect, and his psychological issues, while hidden from most have been particularly wearing on my psyche. Out of necessity I am often in the role of psychologist, mentor, and advisor (as he asks this of me). My own physical challenges with our relationship have been discussed nearly from the beginning, and we have gone to therapists in the past in attempts to resolve this. I respect your suggestions although not knowing his fragility, it would be hard for you to understand why I could not tell him that I've had feelings for someone else. I do love my husband and for that I will protect his heart and his mind from this stupid crush (or whatever it is). It could kill him and I would not do that to him.

 

Reggie - Thank you. It is probably the case that I will have to leave at some point, but he believes in us and so I feel it is only fair for me to work at it as much as I can before I make such a drastic decision. The point you make is why I put it in the OW/OM section. I found this forum because I ran across the term "emotional affair" and Googled it for more insight, coming upon threads not only on this site but specifically in the OW/OM section on here. My heart is confused by the complication of having another man so close to me and I do feel like there's another man and that in some ways I am the OW for him, emotionally speaking (yes he is married as well).

 

White Flower & Phoenix Rise - I have not been to a sex therapist. I have considered it, but haven't done it. I've also considered getting certain levels checked @ the doc as this could be part of the issue as well. These two things may be the next step in my efforts to help the situation. I have gently indicated that things could be better in the bedroom. He cannot emotionally handle much more than that. He feels like it's a complete attack on him if I state that it's not right or enough. We have discussed tantra and bought a book or two but haven't tried it.

 

In Repair - Thanks for providing your side of it, that's appreciated. As I mentioned also to Chrome, I will not discuss the OM with my husband as it would not be of any benefit to him and would simply hide the real issues we have, focusing instead on this thing that I believe I've found more as a distraction from the difficulties in my marriage. Ironically today I was reminded how unkind my OM can be - so the opposite of my husband in so many ways. I think really for me this is solely a person I can commiserate with over the challenges we each face in our marriages. We do not cross boundaries in terms of "what if's"... we are strictly friends. I will consider letting him go as much as possible as a friend though in the very least until I can get rid of my feelings for him. I see him regularly out of necessity for our work and need to speak to him often via email and im for the same reason. That is why it has been so hard to shut off my feelings for him, but I will try again as I agree this is a distraction in the midst of the mess of my marriage.

 

Eyes Wide - (1) Yes, I'm sure. I pretty much knew from the beginning, but decided that my love for him was infinitely more important than being in love, a state that I've always felt was fleeting. It is without a doubt amplified by having "in love" feelings again. The feeling is so sweet and pure (I know, ironically) and fun! God, I miss fun... (2) Yes, I am more of the latter and sometimes even feel like a freaking mom. And no, it ain't sexy. At all. (3) Yes, it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel terrible that I can't give him back the one thing he wants to give to me. (4) It's kind of a funny question that you ask. How would I feel? I would be sad, and probably a little hurt, but more than anything I want him to be happy, so I would encourage him to be with the person that makes him happy. I'm sure this is quite different from many people, but that is something that has always been critically important to us. I just want him to be happy, and of course I do want the same for myself. (5) Really pondered what section to put it in but in the end I thought OW/OM was the best section.

 

Fooled once - I hear you. Wish I felt those fluttery feelings at all though. I don't have them ever any more.

 

Sugarmomma - Sorry for the forum mix-up. Thought I did it right. The sex is pretty good once we get into it, I just don't ever have the desire for it. A lack of experience on his part though has hindered its growth and I really don't want to be teacher... I think it was better in the beginning because it was someone new.

 

Back later, guys. Thanks for everything thus far. Hope I responded to everyone...

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It sounds like you are still managing to be somewhat clear-headed...that's good. You can see how the OM is not necessarily a better man than your H. You realize that feeling being of "in love" is fleeting (and it will likely be that way no matter WHOM you are with). But you still seem to be in enough of a fog to be fooling yourself about some things.

 

Many here will advise you, I think, that not saying a thing to your spouse is more likely, not less likely, to keep the love-embers burning for the OM.

 

You don't have kids, so your situation is not quite like mine, but I, too, thought that I only wanted what was best for my H's happiness. In fact, I sometimes FANTASIZED about him having an affair and dumping me because sometimes I felt so incapable of making him happy -- weird, huh? (I had that fantasy both before and during my affair, btw. BUT - once I decided to cut the crap and refocus on my marriage, I didn't like the idea of him having an affair at all, though I knew it would make me feel a little less guilty.)

 

But you know what I realized? I made a promise - a solemn vow - to love him no matter what. To be faithful to his heart in good times and bad. Even the bad times that we, ourselves, created. Even the bad times that aren't bad because they of a crisis but are bad because they feel like a groundhog-day-esque limbo of passionless drudgery that you can't find the exit from. Those ones too.

 

Lately, it feels pretty good.

 

Much love, luck and passion to you...

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fooled once

Don't worry about posting in the wrong forum; many new people do this. If the mods want it moved, they will take care of it.

 

Since the sex is good once you get going; then I hope you do think about sex therapy or maybe even watching porn together. I think this might be something, if you truly DO want to save your marriage, that you are going to have to take the lead on.

 

Let him know what you want, how you want it and all that.

 

Sometimes, couples do need to experiment and break out of their 'marital' shells and try new stuff.

 

Maybe together get a book on enhancing the sex life, etc.

 

Good luck.

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confused_chica

Eyeswide - Thanks. I do try to stay as clear and logical as possible in spite of all the confusion. I appreciate and hear what you are saying about letting him know. Since I will continue to work with this person and will have to interact with him via email, im, work, and social situations without my husband, all it will do is lead to intense insecurity, suspicion and anxiety if I tell him.

 

What I have to do is just "get over it" on my own... I need to just make sure that our interactions become work-focused. I need to stop going to him when I'm feeling down about my relationship, finding reasons to meet up with him, etc. I can do it, I have to be able to. It just feels so painful to do so. I keep reminding myself that this pain that I feel when I think of doing that is just like the pain I felt when I was young when I guy I was crazy for broke up with me. I just have to do it to myself rather than the other way around. I got over it then and I will get over it now. I'm in what I'm in and I just have to find a way to make the best of it. As others have said, I've got a great guy. Amazing guy, really. I just don't want to be with him physically.

 

That reminds me about someone's post earlier. No, he is fit and is always working on himself to improve. I think most people see him as a very good-looking guy. The OM is not, funny enough. So what's the deal? The difference is confidence. OM thinks he is the **** and projects strength and confidence, sometimes to the point of arrogance and insult. DH hates the way he looks, never thinks he's good enough and is completely underconfident.

 

"groundhog-day-esque limbo of passionless drudgery that you can't find the exit from" - Yes, exactly. Feels like no end in sight and it's killing me! How do people do it for 50 years? I always just figured that people who do it for that long are just made of different stock than me.

 

Fooled once - Thanks, I figured the mods would do that. Appreciate the suggestions! Unfortunately none of the traditional methods do much for me. Read a ton of books, bought games, oils, feathers, outfits, all that stuff. They all seem stupid, insulting, or boring.

 

It really seems as if it's an attraction thing, and as I discuss it on here earlier I think a lot of it is how our relationship has developed and the role I've had to take over the years. I don't know how to fix that though.

 

Does anyone know how one falls back into love with someone you view so differently as a result of all the history?

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Does anyone know how one falls back into love with someone you view so differently as a result of all the history?

And yet the contradiction is that you make the history sound, for the most part, very positive. Good man, great husband, stout friend, takes care of his self and LOVES you.

 

Is it possible that your expectations of love, romance, chemistry and attraction are unrealistic in light of the reality of a long-term relationship? There is a very real chance that your mindset prevents you from understanding the value of what you have. The grass isn't always greener...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You have indicated that you could not hurt your husband by telling him and/or discussing this with him. If you cannot hurt him... then it seems you have made your decision. If you can't hurt him you can't have this affair because the affair means destroying him... not simply hurting him... destroying him. Saddling him with such grief you cannot imagine.

 

If you know this... you know you have to tell yourself 'no' and not continue.

 

Because if you do, you will likely break him.

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Chica said : " That reminds me about someone's post earlier. No, he is fit and is always working on himself to improve. I think most people see him as a very good-looking guy. The OM is not, funny enough. So what's the deal? The difference is confidence. OM thinks he is the **** and projects strength and confidence, sometimes to the point of arrogance and insult. DH hates the way he looks, never thinks he's good enough and is completely underconfident. "

 

This is classic behavior in attraction, Chica. In fact, confidence is the " dirty " little secret of attraction that works with almost 99.9 % of women. It is how even the most physically unattractive men can get hot women to sleep with them or have a relationship with them. ( Trust me I know...I am both hot and confident...lol...jk )

 

You have said that OM has an abundance of confidence and the H does not. You have also stated that you don't want to be H physically. All of what you have described is so classic.

 

If you want to end this affair with OM you have to cut-off the source of what is feeding YOUR trouble. That source, simply put, is the other man.

 

What you have done to your husband is put him into a fight with one arm behind his back. He has no idea what he is up against. And, he will get emotionally steamrolled like so much asphalt on a newly paved road.

 

So, it is not surprising that you don't want sex with H. My ex didn't want me either. Sexually, that is. For a period of time. And it was not because of lack of confidence ,either. ( another story >)

 

Once the affair ends, ( and you must end it ) and the effects wear off, I suggest that you and H get some serious counseling. Do not think that just because it is easy to get a divorce, that it will have no effect. It will. Try to avoid it, if you can. Repair what you have .

 

Bottom line : You will not be able to fall back in love with your H until you end the affair. Ending the marriage before ending the affair will leave open the very real and distinct possibility that you will be left to hang out to dry.

I am sure you have seen this web site littered with such examples.

 

And if you feel " dead inside " now, continue the affair, break up your marriage all without considering every decision carefully or counseling and then see the emotionally barren desert your heart and soul will become.

 

You will be devastated. End the affair. Now. Do it.

 

Read

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

Very insightful series of terrific advice. Best advice on marriage an affairs ever produced.

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Chica said : " That reminds me about someone's post earlier. No, he is fit and is always working on himself to improve. I think most people see him as a very good-looking guy. The OM is not, funny enough. So what's the deal? The difference is confidence. OM thinks he is the **** and projects strength and confidence, sometimes to the point of arrogance and insult. DH hates the way he looks, never thinks he's good enough and is completely underconfident. "

 

This is classic behavior in attraction, Chica. In fact, confidence is the " dirty " little secret of attraction that works with almost 99.9 % of women. It is how even the most physically unattractive men can get hot women to sleep with them or have a relationship with them. ( Trust me I know...I am both hot and confident...lol...jk )

 

You have said that OM has an abundance of confidence and the H does not. You have also stated that you don't want to be H physically. All of what you have described is so classic.

 

If you want to end this affair with OM you have to cut-off the source of what is feeding YOUR trouble. That source, simply put, is the other man.

 

What you have done to your husband is put him into a fight with one arm behind his back. He has no idea what he is up against. And, he will get emotionally steamrolled like so much asphalt on a newly paved road.

 

So, it is not surprising that you don't want sex with H. My ex didn't want me either. Sexually, that is. For a period of time. And it was not because of lack of confidence ,either. ( another story >)

 

Once the affair ends, ( and you must end it ) and the effects wear off, I suggest that you and H get some serious counseling. Do not think that just because it is easy to get a divorce, that it will have no effect. It will. Try to avoid it, if you can. Repair what you have .

 

Bottom line : You will not be able to fall back in love with your H until you end the affair. Ending the marriage before ending the affair will leave open the very real and distinct possibility that you will be left to hang out to dry.

I am sure you have seen this web site littered with such examples.

 

And if you feel " dead inside " now, continue the affair, break up your marriage all without considering every decision carefully or counseling and then see the emotionally barren desert your heart and soul will become.

 

You will be devastated. End the affair. Now. Do it.

 

Read

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

Very insightful series of terrific advice. Best advice on marriage an affairs ever produced.

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confused_chica

Gamine - You are right. I will not allow the OM to cross the lines of friendship, and I will work to eliminate that person in my life as much as is possible.

 

Mr Lucky - Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I do know what I have. That is why I've worked so hard to keep it in tact in spite of the realization that I was missing that one piece. I see, for the most part, what's out there and know how lucky I am. What is hard is not being able to give back the main thing he wants from me. We complement each other in many ways (even though I've come to see how opposite we really are) and I am grateful to have been given the gift of him in my life, for however long I'm given it. The questions I am pondering these days:

(a) can one fall back in love?

(b) should one stay in a non-physical relationship when the other parts are good?

© is it fair of me to not force him out of it so he has the opportunity to be with someone who does want him physically?

(d) is it fair to me to stay in something that I realize is more of a long-term deep friendship than a lover relationship?

(e) fearing his mental/physical safety if I left, should I stay even if at some point I decide I truly am done?

 

Thanks again to all. Very thoughtful people on here and I appreciate the variety of viewpoints.

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confused_chica

Icepop - Been to the site, thank you for the reminder. I will not allow it to progress into an affair, but I am going to get my friendship with him to a solely professional level. I do not see divorce as easy, I see it as a last resort. I will work on this until it seems impossible to continue. And I get it, I can't focus on the counseling we are doing (which we are) without getting rid of my feelings for the OM. I will make that happen, as painful as it will be. Thanks.

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Chica :

 

You have asked great questions. I have taken the liberty of absconding with them .:laugh: and then answering.

 

 

(a) can one fall back in love? yes. It is very possible.

 

(b) should one stay in a non-physical relationship when the other parts are good?

 

Absolutely not, unless of course if it is for religious or cultural reasons AND you can live with that. I know I would have to leave. Sex is very important to me in establishing personal closeness and intimacy. And, I love intimacy with my GF more and more.

 

© is it fair of me to not force him out of it so he has the opportunity to be with someone who does want him physically?

 

Doesn't matter if you feel you have worked on it and cannot continue anymore AND you have had his consent with the process. Always opt for consent. This makes a HUGE difference. This is happening now anyways. So, do what you feel can. Just have as few or no regrets as you can. aka, know that you did the right things.

 

(d) is it fair to me to stay in something that I realize is more of a long-term deep friendship than a lover relationship?

 

Depends on the context of the relationship. If it is a marriage, if long-tern deep friendship is the only element it would not be enough for most people.

And if it is an extra-marital affair situation, NO CONTACT with ex lover forever.

 

 

(e) fearing his mental/physical safety if I left, should I stay even if at some point I decide I truly am done?

 

NO. But you do have an obligation to ensure his safety and well- being before you leave. Don't leave him hanging. But don't risk your own sanity either.

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confused_chica

So I guess my other question is HOW does one fall back in love? Any thoughts, tips, suggestions...?

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White Flower
So I guess my other question is HOW does one fall back in love? Any thoughts, tips, suggestions...?

CC,

 

I don't know how it happens but it does. I fell in love with my husband over and over in 25 years time. Each time I did it surprised me.

 

The scary thing was that it didn't happen again when I/we needed it to. Looking back, I can see that it was largely MY love that carried us through. IOW, I gave too much and he got used to it and when I no longer had the strength to give... our love died. I'm not saying this will happen to you. I guess the idea is that you need to recognize both your strengths and weaknesses and deal with them immediately...as you are now. I sure wish I had LS about 5 years ago! Maybe my M would be good still but again, I did most of the 'work' of the M. It takes two to work it out. If your H is willing as you are, the rest should kick in.

 

When you see them trying, it can melt your heart. Then you'll be in love again.

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