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It's over; need some hand-holding....


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My baby-steps evolved a lot quicker than I anticipated. I just wanted to feel like I had my life back and for me that meant living my life as if he was not in it. Concessions I made for him and time I gave up with family and friends had to stop because I have become so angry at him for not being similarly invested. So, I pushed the eject button last night.

 

Yesterday I went to lunch with a male co-worker, something I do very rarely and for a long time, not at all simply because MM told me it made him uncomfortable. In deciding to live my life true to me, I went anyway. I don't consider it "cheating" as I have no romantic interest in said coworker, and I have had no problem with MM taking occasional lunches with female coworkers of his.

 

On the other hand, MM has consistently disregarded things that were important to me (not sleeping over at his W's house, spending hours on end there with her there, etc.). Like my view on lunches, he considered it no big deal despite my pleas for him to stop because it was hurting me daily. He was doing what he wanted without consideration for my feelings - living his life as if I wasn't in it. So I figured it was time for me to similarly refocus on my life and stop making him the center of my universe.

 

Somehow he senses these shifts in me and because I didn't want to get into it at work, I lied about what I did for lunch. Later last night I called him to tell him the truth and why I felt compelled both to go and to lie about it. I knew my real motive- to refocus on my own life, not betray him- would be lost on him, and I knew how he'd react.

 

Predictably, he told me he never wants to speak to me again. Sadly, what I feel is relief. I think he was surprised when I said "thank you" when he said he wouldn't contact me again. I think I am let it end for real and for good this time, but I am going to need help here. What always ends up happening is I doubt myself, feeling like I gave up my one and only and go running back to him. I intend to post here when I feel weak, and plead with you wise LS posters to help me through this....

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Predictably, he told me he never wants to speak to me again. Sadly, what I feel is relief. I think he was surprised when I said "thank you" when he said he wouldn't contact me again. I think I am let it end for real and for good this time, but I am going to need help here. What always ends up happening is I doubt myself, feeling like I gave up my one and only and go running back to him. I intend to post here when I feel weak, and plead with you wise LS posters to help me through this....

 

Misty [[[[hugs]]]]

 

I'm sorry it ended but you know it had to as he isn't stepping up. Reading your post, it seems like he is one selfish SOB. It's alright for him to do whatever he wants but it's not for you. Typical of some MM.

 

Now you can lead a healthier life, without having to answer to a MM - not that you needed to in the beginning. You will move on from here onward and have a happy life. Maybe dating someone new isn't what you want right now but think about all the single men you get to mingle with in the future! ;) You will get through this!

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PhoenixRise

Misty

 

I am sorry that you are hurting.

 

But seriously....HE is mad at YOU because he thinks YOU are cheating on HIM?

 

Seriously?

 

 

I don't see how you stopped yourself from laughing in his face.

 

One day, you are going to thank your lucky stars that you did NOT get stuck with this man.

 

Good Luck and stay strong.

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I'll agree with the other posters...I'm really sorry to hear that you're hurting.

 

Do what you need to to deal with your pain, and the situation in general. I know you've likely seen me post this before, but I'd heartily suggest that you use this time to take ACTIVE MEASURES to remove him from your life.

 

Block contact from him...block his calls/emails/IMs/ect...

 

Make sure that this time he doesn't try to find a way to weasel his way back.

 

And...take some time for yourself, to grieve over the end of the relationship.

 

Do you have friends/family that can help you recover from all of this?

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Misty

 

But seriously....HE is mad at YOU because he thinks YOU are cheating on HIM?

 

Seriously?

 

 

Yeah, Seriously. To be honest, I've been a little concerned with how jealous he is about me in this regard. He really believes EVERYONE wants to have sex with me and if I go to lunch or initiate a conversation with them, especially if it's someone who has tried to flirt with me in the past - it's basically saying 'yeah I'm interested in having sex with you too.' Maybe I'm nuts, but I think that's ridiculous.

 

And all of this this is of course a complete aside from the fact that as a married man who has yet to break ties in a meaningful way with his wife, he really has no right to demand exclusivity from me.

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Do you have friends/family that can help you recover from all of this?

 

Unfortunately, not really. That's why its been so hard to stay away from him for this long. My two closest friends have sort of distanced themselves from me (understandably) over this situation and physically live far away. Ditto for family. Part of what I hope to do in "reclaiming" my life is to expand my social network. For now, even this forum has been very helpful because people here understand.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

But don't you feel "free"? and isn't it a great feeling?

 

Your emotions will be up and down, of course, it hurts. When I think of moving forward sometimes, I have this overwhelming feeling of freedom.

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Perhaps...and I don't know any of them to be able to say for sure at this...but perhaps since you've ENDED the affair, and fully intend to keep it that way, your friends and family would be willing to resume their 'support' of you now?

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Let me see if I have this right, Misty ? You were sleeping with a married man ?

Well, my Dear, sorry to say this , but you got what you had coming to you. You involved yourself with a committed person.

 

Did you really think he would ever be 100 % committed to you, other than to display immaturity towards you as if you were his property ?

 

You are right to break it off. Now, the only person that will hurt will be you, instead of everyone else involved with this turd.

 

Lesson learned.

 

Good Luck

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Let me see if I have this right, Misty ? You were sleeping with a married man ?

Well, my Dear, sorry to say this , but you got what you had coming to you. You involved yourself with a committed person.

 

Did you really think he would ever be 100 % committed to you, other than to display immaturity towards you as if you were his property ?

 

You are right to break it off. Now, the only person that will hurt will be you, instead of everyone else involved with this turd.

 

Lesson learned.

 

Good Luck

 

Ok wow. This is not helpful and I resent the hell out of your tone. You haven't read the other threads and if you have such issues with people being the OW, consider not posting in this forum.

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Hugs Misty. He really did do you a big favor. And at the risk of playing amateur psychologist did you maybe do yourself a favor subconcsioucly with the lunch and not telling him and then telling him?

 

You took your power back and you got your life back. Its so hard when you have to give up the dream that it will all have a happy ending.

 

But the thing is youve no idea what is around the corner. A new and easier and different happy ending is waiting for you.

 

Take good care

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IfWishesWereHorses

You'ld be wise to prepare yourself Misty. I doubt he's going to go away that easily, you've turned him down and he will no doubt want to get the last word... I would guess sooner than later.

 

And this...

 

He really believes EVERYONE wants to have sex with me and if I go to lunch or initiate a conversation with them, especially if it's someone who has tried to flirt with me in the past - it's basically saying 'yeah I'm interested in having sex with you too.' Maybe I'm nuts, but I think that's ridiculous.

 

...is classic projection.:rolleyes:

 

Hang tight and good luck.

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Hugs Misty. He really did do you a big favor. And at the risk of playing amateur psychologist did you maybe do yourself a favor subconcsioucly with the lunch and not telling him and then telling him?

 

 

Yeah I think I did. The only real way to keep him from contacting me is to make him not want to contact me because everytime I beg him to leave me alone, he does not. But it also had to be in a way that I could live with myself...I didn't betray him, I just tried to live my life. And the fact that he is allergic to that happening, is even more proof that I did the right thing.:o

 

Still I've found myself on the brink of tears several times today. It is that I

have to grieve what never was and now never will be.

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PhoenixRise
Yeah, Seriously. To be honest, I've been a little concerned with how jealous he is about me in this regard. He really believes EVERYONE wants to have sex with me and if I go to lunch or initiate a conversation with them, especially if it's someone who has tried to flirt with me in the past - it's basically saying 'yeah I'm interested in having sex with you too.' Maybe I'm nuts, but I think that's ridiculous.

 

And all of this this is of course a complete aside from the fact that as a married man who has yet to break ties in a meaningful way with his wife, he really has no right to demand exclusivity from me.

 

 

Misty I hope you take this as it is intended, not trying to offend you but....

 

Do you think that maybe deep down he thinks less of you because you were involved with a MM (him). Is he implying that since you slept with him while he is still married you are open for business to just anyone?

 

It makes about as much sense as Him as a MM being jealous of you, technically still a single woman.

 

You are right it IS ridiculous. You SHOULD be able to have a platonic lunch with a co-worker without it causing drama.

 

Good Luck Misty

 

I hope you feel better soon.

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Oh God I know. Im such a baby even now all these years later I will have a moment out of nowhere where I will watch a movie or hear a song and tears will well up in my eyes whcih is pathetic 2 years down the line. But be easy on yourself. This is new. You did a good thing. You will feel stronger and stronger day by day.

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whichwayisup

What a jerk and honestly, he has no right to dictate who you have lunch with seeing as he's married and has a wife.

 

I'm glad you felt relief - Run with that and remember you're free now and once the healing starts to take place, you'll feel more at peace with this. No more rollercoaster ride, no more wondering what he is thinking/feeling/doing etc..

 

Stay strong!

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Do you think that maybe deep down he thinks less of you because you were involved with a MM (him). Is he implying that since you slept with him while he is still married you are open for business to just anyone?

 

Anything is possible with him. He is such a hypocrite. He begged me not to divorce my H cause he was afraid it would change the dynamic (it did, of course), but that was mostly self-serving because he still intended to continue the A behind both our spouses backs. I got out of my M before things got really intense and I really couldn't live with myself as a cheater, so I refused to be one. Interestingly, this tack has come back to bite me with MM, because now instead of just fearing I'll cheat, he fears I'll abandon him (before cheating). So, either way, I'm a b*itch in his eyes.

 

And to be honest some of his insecurity has nothing to do with me as a person or my morality. He's massively insecure about the age-difference and as I said above, he talks as if I am the be all and end all of beauty and could have anyone. Now, as much as I'd like to think I'm all that, realistically - No. So I've fought a stereotype with him that isn't even me at all.

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Ok wow. This is not helpful and I resent the hell out of your tone. You haven't read the other threads and if you have such issues with people being the OW, consider not posting in this forum.

 

You made a choice to be with this man and it sucked. Now, when I call you on this, because you are looking for tea and sympathy, you are angry with me ?

 

Then you brag about having lunch with a co-worker in an obvious attempt to make MM jealous to stimulate him to action of some kind , aka divorce and marriage to you ? You'll get no quarter from me for coming on a public forum, bragging about this as if it were a badge of honor without the slightest bit of remorse, save that, which you fonted all over the screen.

 

I have only one wish for you, Misty. I wish that you are not on the other end of this bargain, aka MMW, in which case you will truly feel the wrath and hell of resentment and bitterness.

 

I suggest you go to another forum where people who have experienced the pain and torture of these things can TRULY help you. You will find real guidance and help.

 

If you want it.

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

" You Teach Others How to Treat You ".

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Its such a baby view isnt it. Im so hot I have the most desirable woman in the world in bed with me she could have anyone and she loves me.

 

But then the thought that if he put himself on the line and made himself really vulnerable to you, you might not feel the same devotion renders him paralytic.

 

Its fine when its his home made movie, not so fine when its about to become real.

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And all of this this is of course a complete aside from the fact that as a married man who has yet to break ties in a meaningful way with his wife, he really has no right to demand exclusivity from me.

 

OMG...LMAO. In case you didn't notice, Misty, you have no rights to him either. He is married. He has a contract with his wife. And, since you dissolved your marriage ( and BTW, you cannot rationalize away the fact that you cannot un-cheat because you dissolved your marriage ).

 

Your vision of life with this man is a fantasy. He has used you. I'd even be willing to bet that your family doesn't know about this. I know this because affairs CANNOT survive the scrutiny of " daylight". You have an addiction.

An addiction to a married man. And, like all addicts, you must break free OR

suffer the pain from the cuts from a thousand emotional knives.

 

You deserve better than this fate. And you damn well know it too. :)

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fooled once

Misty ((hug))

 

Bear with me a minute while I do my happy dance *dance dance dance*

 

Now, besides being SOOO incredibly PROUD of you; I know you are hurting and I am so sorry for that.

 

This pain will pass, with time. You will start to realize how great life can be when you are OUT THERE living it instead of waiting for a phone call, waiting to find out about where he is, what he is doing, etc.

 

I AM SOO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!

 

Take your time to grieve this.

 

And he needs to realize HE is the cheater, not you. And how can you cheat on him when HE is the one married to someone else??? Ugh.... what a freaking ahole.

 

Your kids are going to see a whole new YOU and that is the best gift you can give them.

 

Hang in there; avoid his calls, don't answer the door to him and do not text or email him.

 

YOU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER DOWN THE ROAD!!

 

((hug))

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OMG...LMAO. In case you didn't notice, Misty, you have no rights to him either. He is married. He has a contract with his wife. And, since you dissolved your marriage ( and BTW, you cannot rationalize away the fact that you cannot un-cheat because you dissolved your marriage ).

 

 

 

YOU HAVEN"T READ THE OTHER THREADS. I'm not going to sit here and defend myself now. Everyone else here knows that I do feel terribly about all this. This lunch thing was not an attempt to make him jealous, it was just that I decided to stop jumping thorugh stupid hoops to stroke his ego when he has no consideration for my feelings, or anyone else's. No bragging - YOU interjected that.

 

For the record, I felt no sense of 'entitlement' to a married man, only a hope that he'd honor his promises to me. Presumably, his wife had that hope too. It's sad all the way around. My family knows all about the affair, as does his. My family has known for about 2 years, his has known over a year. MM's mother and sister love me and are sad to see me go. (His family never really got along with the BW, but that's along story that isn't relavent here). Daylight wasn't an issue. The problem was his refusal to definitively choose one way or another instead of being so damn selfish.

 

Again, I find your posts insulting and unhelpful. It's plainly obvious that you're a BS, and I understand that you're in pain for that. BUT - I have the actual BW involved calling me names in real life, I don't need you to put me down here, nor to ride in here on your moral high horse about how I should be lashed in hell for what I've done. All it does is piss me off and cause me not to listen to anything you're saying - get it?

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I suggest you go to another forum where people who have experienced the pain and torture of these things can TRULY help you. You will find real guidance and help.

 

If you want it.

 

www.marriagebuilders.com

 

This isn't designed to help ME. It's designed to help YOU get through your issues with you WS. You mention it to try to instill even more guilt in me, not help me. Best wishes in reconciling with your WS. I've gotten some really valuable insights here from BS's and it's too bad that you're too angry to provide that kind of thing yet.

 

Hopefully you stick around here long enough to realize that being an OW is awfully painful too. It's not the candy-laced joyride that some BS may picture upon d-day.

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Its such a baby view isnt it. Im so hot I have the most desirable woman in the world in bed with me she could have anyone and she loves me.

 

But then the thought that if he put himself on the line and made himself really vulnerable to you, you might not feel the same devotion renders him paralytic.

 

Its fine when its his home made movie, not so fine when its about to become real.

 

Yeah, I think you pretty well nailed it.

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Misty are you familiar with the ignore function. It may come in handy if you feel certain posters are posting things that are upsetting to you now.

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