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2 Steps Forward, One HUGE leap back....


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StoptheDrama

I was doing really well all things considered...had limited contact (@ work and only work related). Since I had ended the A the other week he had shown up here once so drunk he could barely stand - crying, upset with himself, worried about his kids(???), telling me that he had to have contact with me, even if just friends...then he supposedly went on the straight and narrow which made it easier on me (no pressure)...then the calls started...I NEVER get calls from unkown or restricted numbers yet I received a total of 7 when I was out of town last week... then this week the flirting started and we have such amazing chemistry and banter... needless to say we were back at it yesterday evening. He made a point of staying late into the night - actually early am - talking. As though he was trying to demonstrate that this time it would be different... WTF is wrong with me?? I'm lonely, I know that, but I'm better than this. Why do I get so wrapped up in the passion and emotion?? Then I feel like dog doo afterwards. I always do and yet I can't stop myself...When am I ever going to learn???

 

Just needed to vent... :sick:

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LucreziaBorgia
When am I ever going to learn???

 

Clarity comes only when you've been completely out of contact for a few months. It is impossible otherwise.

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You will stop when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.. Until then, your on the ride. My feelings came out of the blue... really wierd, it was just one more incident, not even a big deal... that made me go "stop, now I had enough. Be strong... you will get there... :)

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This is why LC (limited contact) is nearly always useless...WORSE than useless, since it keeps things going.

 

NC is your only answer here.

 

NC is going to be the only way that you truly and completely end the affair. Anything less is going to keep you on this same hamster wheel.

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StoptheDrama

Unfortunately right now NC is not an option; the best I can do is LC. As we work together, there is no way I can avoid him completely. If I tried it wouild be viewed as unprofessional and, even worse, would raise a lot of questions that I do not want to have to answer. I have kept the communication limited since the other night; other than that, there isn't much else I can do at work. After work is a different story and I really have to be strong but sometimes I get so tired of fighting this and I give in and then here I am again...

 

Mino - I think you're right. I just have to get to the point where I am truly sick of it and then I'll more successful with stopping this nonsense.

 

Thanks for the insight, all... :)

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When am I ever going to learn???

 

Just needed to vent... :sick:

 

 

When you start to love yourself and work or your self worth. Maybe you don't believe you deserve more than the late nights he offers. I remember feeling as though the MM was "proving" his feelings for me by staying until 5am. NOPE! Simply meant he had no respect for his home or for me for that matter.

 

Soul searching is what got me out of the A. I pray that I never get mixed up in another horrible mess like that.

 

There is no future in loving a MM!! DO NOT TALK TO HIM UNLESS IT IS WORK RELATED!!

 

Everytime you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you originally settled for.

 

He loses more and more respect for you everytime you set a boundary and he walk right over it. He thinks you're a joke and maybe a good lay.

 

You deserve the best and he is not it.

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IMO, You will learn once your heart has been broken one to many times. Also, passion is a feeling. Once your more in tune with your feelings you won't get so caught up in all the passion stuff that's the driving force behind an A. Do trust me on this as I learned first hand. ;) You need to focus on loving yourself and beign comfortable with You. Take little steps each day and you will get there. Keep up with the NC. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

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Unfortunately right now NC is not an option; the best I can do is LC. As we work together, there is no way I can avoid him completely. If I tried it wouild be viewed as unprofessional and, even worse, would raise a lot of questions that I do not want to have to answer. I have kept the communication limited since the other night; other than that, there isn't much else I can do at work. After work is a different story and I really have to be strong but sometimes I get so tired of fighting this and I give in and then here I am again...

 

Mino - I think you're right. I just have to get to the point where I am truly sick of it and then I'll more successful with stopping this nonsense.

 

Thanks for the insight, all... :)

I work with my xmm too, NC is possible. Even during work hours. Takes some work, but even if he approches me to chat, I look the other way, and respond with very very short answers
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TooMuchLoveToGive
I'm lonely, I know that, but I'm better than this. Why do I get so wrapped up in the passion and emotion?? Then I feel like dog doo afterwards. I always do and yet I can't stop myself...When am I ever going to learn???

 

Wow - reading this was like listening to my own thoughts.

 

I had been just chatting with a friendly and charming married man over the last month, but then he started giving me little kisses on the way out the door. I live near a bar, and pop in after work sometimes. He's been a regular there for a few years, I hear. At first it just seemed friendly. I knew he was married, thought he'd had a bit too much too drink, and he was older, so I think I felt some sympathy for him.

 

But soon I found I craved that little kiss. Longed for more. And eventually, he came back with me to my place. We have never actually had sex - just kissed and touched a bit. But I know it's so wrong.

 

Why do we do it? We are HUNGRY to be touched. LONELY for physical contact. I swear the hunger of skin is as powerful, if not moreso, than the hunger of the stomach. At least, that's what's going on in my case. I think, why am I attracted to him? And honestly, besides his charming manner and sense of humor, it's his touch. He makes me feel wanted, and special. And it's been about 16 years of feeling very UNspecial.

 

Even so, I tried to end it. I saw Mark Sanford on TV, and thought, I don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain. I told the MM that I really couldn't see him any more, but ran into him later than night anyway - wasn't expecting to, but was hoping to and did. I could tell he felt bad, so I went and sat next to him. And pretty soon we were laughing and talking, and he was being very respectful, not touching me, saying a few things but trying not to flirt. But that all just endeared him to me and next thing I knew, I was inviting him over again just so we could talk more in private. And then his hands were all over me again.

 

This morning I ran into him quite by coincidence (he works near where I live) - I was just out for a walk and happened upon him on his way in as he was coming off a train. I could tell by his reaction there were people on the train he didn't want seeing him talk to me, and that just reminded me again of why it's really DUMB DUMB DUMB to get involved with a MM.

 

It's hard to do NC because the bar is my little touchstone at the end of the day, and I want to be able to go in there. And I truly enjoy talking to the man. He's fun and a good listener. To me, at least. I doubt his wife would say the same, right?

 

I really want to find an UNmarried man who will make me feel as special as he does. And of course, I won't, as long as I'm thinking about MM. But when he touches me or kisses me, all my good intentions just disappear, and I'm left with that hunger.

 

How do you get past that? I'm wondering if I just give in, after a few months will this pass? Is it worth trying to fight it now, or just let it run its course? I bore easily, and he may be no exception. My fear is that he'll make it past that, though, and I'll be the one who's hurting.

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Wow - reading this was like listening to my own thoughts.

 

I had been just chatting with a friendly and charming married man over the last month, but then he started giving me little kisses on the way out the door. I live near a bar, and pop in after work sometimes. He's been a regular there for a few years, I hear. At first it just seemed friendly. I knew he was married, thought he'd had a bit too much too drink, and he was older, so I think I felt some sympathy for him.

 

But soon I found I craved that little kiss. Longed for more. And eventually, he came back with me to my place. We have never actually had sex - just kissed and touched a bit. But I know it's so wrong.

 

Why do we do it? We are HUNGRY to be touched. LONELY for physical contact. I swear the hunger of skin is as powerful, if not moreso, than the hunger of the stomach. At least, that's what's going on in my case. I think, why am I attracted to him? And honestly, besides his charming manner and sense of humor, it's his touch. He makes me feel wanted, and special. And it's been about 16 years of feeling very UNspecial.

 

Even so, I tried to end it. I saw Mark Sanford on TV, and thought, I don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain. I told the MM that I really couldn't see him any more, but ran into him later than night anyway - wasn't expecting to, but was hoping to and did. I could tell he felt bad, so I went and sat next to him. And pretty soon we were laughing and talking, and he was being very respectful, not touching me, saying a few things but trying not to flirt. But that all just endeared him to me and next thing I knew, I was inviting him over again just so we could talk more in private. And then his hands were all over me again.

 

This morning I ran into him quite by coincidence (he works near where I live) - I was just out for a walk and happened upon him on his way in as he was coming off a train. I could tell by his reaction there were people on the train he didn't want seeing him talk to me, and that just reminded me again of why it's really DUMB DUMB DUMB to get involved with a MM.

 

It's hard to do NC because the bar is my little touchstone at the end of the day, and I want to be able to go in there. And I truly enjoy talking to the man. He's fun and a good listener. To me, at least. I doubt his wife would say the same, right?

 

I really want to find an UNmarried man who will make me feel as special as he does. And of course, I won't, as long as I'm thinking about MM. But when he touches me or kisses me, all my good intentions just disappear, and I'm left with that hunger.

 

How do you get past that? I'm wondering if I just give in, after a few months will this pass? Is it worth trying to fight it now, or just let it run its course? I bore easily, and he may be no exception. My fear is that he'll make it past that, though, and I'll be the one who's hurting.

 

Welcome!!!

 

Sounds like you should start your own post and I am sure you would get a lot of feedback. No threadjacking allowed.

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It can be difficult. Limited contact is tough. But you cant do that to yourself.

 

Every time he comes back tell him that you dont want an affair.

 

That has been very effective for me. It hasnt helped making limited contact any easier but we dont ever fall into bed or kiss or anything like that. We dont even flirt.

 

An affair is never going to be different. You know that.

 

You need to tell him that he is being selfish. That he has made his choice he needs to go home to his W (if he ever shows up again).

 

This is not flattering to you. this is not so sad for him. It just feels like it is. This is simply a man who cant decide what he wants and is willing to ask you to accept less so that he can have the whole pie.

 

Dont fall for that.

 

And the flirting is not flattering. Next time the flirting starts just stop it. YOu know where the flirting leads, just excuse yourself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Why do we do it? We are HUNGRY to be touched. LONELY for physical contact. I swear the hunger of skin is as powerful, if not moreso, than the hunger of the stomach. At least, that's what's going on in my case. I think, why am I attracted to him? And honestly, besides his charming manner and sense of humor, it's his touch. He makes me feel wanted, and special. And it's been about 16 years of feeling very UNspecial.

 

 

How do you get past that? I'm wondering if I just give in, after a few months will this pass? Is it worth trying to fight it now, or just let it run its course? I bore easily, and he may be no exception. My fear is that he'll make it past that, though, and I'll be the one who's hurting.

 

Wow, you hit it right on the head. My xMM had a way of making me feel like I was all that mattered. The way he touched and looked at me it felt right. I am trying my hardest to make the x stick, but we work together so it's so hard.

 

Please don't give in. It's so easy to get addicted to it.

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