Seems like a double standard

[xpaperxcutx]

I never posted on the OW/OM forums before, but recent posts have gotten me thinking. If you're a married spouse ( be you male or female) and you've been cheated on, why would you tolerate giving your husband/wife another chance, when you can't even tolerate them having a OW/OM? Both of them cheated, not just one. So to forgive one over the other seems like a double standard.

 

You know you can't blame the OW/OM for " seducing" your spouse, both persons involved in an A are responsible for their own actions.

 

Hence, the question: why forgive?

[SidLyon]

I never posted on the OW/OM forums before, but recent posts have gotten me thinking. If you're a married spouse ( be you male or female) and you've been cheated on, why would you tolerate giving your husband/wife another chance, when you can't even tolerate them having a OW/OM? Both of them cheated, not just one. So to forgive one over the other seems like a double standard.

 

You know you can't blame the OW/OM for " seducing" your spouse, both persons involved in an A are responsible for their own actions.

 

Hence, the question: why forgive?

 

Yes it does seem like a double standard.

 

However I rationalise it that my H and I both made a decision to try to stay int eh marriage despite the awful infidelity. This was a joint decision made in very trying circumstance (ie the environment of my discovery). Therefore for me to survive in the marriage requires him to have NC with the OW and some level of acceptance/forgiveness on my part as well as my H to act in good faith in future. I can't live in permanent anger at him and expect to re-establish a functional and fulfilling marriage. Ont eh other hand I'm not required to forgive the OW in any way shape or form so why waste the effort. I fully expect my feelings about her (which consist to varying degrees of anger and contempt and probably a few other negative feelings) to fade over time as I pay less attention to them.

 

From my perspective an outstanding issue is the paternity of her son; as if my H is the father it's unreasonable to have complete NC - on the other hand if he's not we don't have to consider her or her family again.

 

D-day was 7 months ago and recovering a marriage form infidelity is very difficult. I'm starting now to expect that we will recover but nothing is certain. I believe in giving a 2nd chance - but to give a 3rd chance I think would be foolhardy.

 

S

[me003]

Financial reasons. Child support is expensive when you add rent on another home. Is your paying a mortgage, the economy is so bad that no one is buying homes and if they are at a low price.

 

The way other will look at you, like a failure.

 

Children, some people don't want their children to know anything. some don't want to look bad in their eyes.

 

Dating is hard and no matter how bad the MM or MW is, you can be yourself and not impress. You are used to them and no matter how bad things are its hard to be alone, or to imagine your life without that person.

 

Others, because they know that the person messed up so much that now they might be a better spouse.

[alphamale]

Hence, the question: why forgive?

because there are a hundred other things in play here...finances, emotions, kids, futures, prestige, guilt, history, homes, saving face, embarrasment, relationships, family bonds, friends, et al...

[LakesideDream]

I have to agree completely. I couldn't "forgive" and I couldn't "hate" the OM. When the LTA came out into the open, my marriage was over. I was angry hurt, and bitter. My life that lead up to that point was over. I understood the reality of the situation.

 

I knew the good the OM saw in my then wife. I couldn't blame him for acting on his hearts desire. I understood what my then wife felt for the OM, she loved him. I understood both because I loved her.

 

So I did what I could to make the process as painless as possible from there on out. There was nothing to be gained doing otherwise. I resented it like hell. And was happy when the beginning was over.

[Owl]

Great response, NFG. That's almost exactly what I was about to respond with as well.

[mourningMM]

Expecting too much

Expecting to little

Spending too much money

Not making enough for the bills

Hating the inlaws

Lying

Stealing

Not taking care of health issues

Gaining too much weight

Losing too much weight

Having sex with someone else

Having an emotional affair

Getting a bad haircut

 

There is a reason the vow one typically takes says better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health...

 

Affairs are part of the "worse".

 

My feeling is you take your vow seriously or you lose your honor. It is a married person's DUTY to work on a marriage, and forgiveness, and growth...it is one that most people sign up for of their own choice in front of a host of others who are supposed to support them.

 

Why would this even be a question?

 

Some mistakes are much "worse" than others...but the vow isn't

 

for better or only the small mistakes

[scaredinlove]

If I had a husband I loved and found out he cheated I would probably forgive him....I would probably have a trust issue for the rest of my life though... I don't know I had a boyfriend that cheated and I forgave him and we stayed together for 4 years, it ended up for other reasons...

[Trialbyfire]

xpapercutx, do you forgive your friends you love easier or someone where the only exposure you've had with them, is worse than negative?

 

I've completely forgiven my ex-H and we're friends. That doesn't mean I would ever take him back.

 

I will never forgive the OW, although she also has no power over me, since I don't think about her at all. She's less than nothing to me. Just someone who disgusts me with her moral bankruptcy.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Similarly to what NFG said, the BS can forgive the person if he/she can separate the behavior from the person.

 

WS can work on changing his/her behavior. BS can also work on changing his/her behavior where necessary, and they can both find the good person inside that they started out with and live their lives exercising acceptable and respectable behavior.

 

MC is a must along with time and hard work. You can't expect to just "stay together" because of all the history, and only work at keeping the peace.

[jj33]

MWC you say that but many couples do that - they stay together to keep the peace simply because of all the other things that go along with the marriage, for example the children, not because of the relationshp between the 2 people. PKN who used to post was a very good example of that.

[bentnotbroken]

The assumption of that forgiveness and anger go hand in hand is a little skewed. Forgiveness is done for the person doing the forgiving. It is a step in the healing process. But it is only a step. It is "supposed" to be a way to release the toxins and anger that can turn a person cold.

 

Anger on the other hand has to be worked through. It comes and goes. It is also directed at the WS. They catch it privately, and in some cases publicly. With any stage of grieving(this is what happens to a BS) one can stay in that stage too long and make things worse.

 

The opportunity to work through issues with a WS is one of the ways that BS deal with their anger. The more the issues are dealt with the more the pain is released. They also get some of the poison out of their system. They hear the WS apologize (whether sincere or not) and they love the person usually. All these facts make it easier to lay somethings to rest. On the other hand they don't get this opportunity with the AP. They often times don't get the chance to talk to or get an apology. So without the option to work through issues with the AP the anger builds and in some cases residual anger toward the WS are placed on the AP.

 

 

I was well aware that Mr. Messy was the one who pursued the relationship with the OW. He alone is responsible for that act. He alone was responsible for lying to me when asked. He alone was responsible for gas lighting me. He is alone was responsible for bringing her into our home. He alone was responsible for the taking funds from our family to help support the OW. Now here is my the but.....But she alone was responsible for accepting those advances from him. She alone is responsible for trying to turn his thoughts away from his responsibilities. She alone was responsible for setting foot in my home in the first place. She alone was responsible for taking off her clothes and climbing in my bed(he didn't rape her). She alone was responsible for the bull crap that she has delivered to me and my children's lives since then.

 

 

Whenever the anger would subside toward her, she would do something to stir the embers. It is a constant job to forgive over and over. While I don't speak for all BS, but the anger directed at the AP is sometimes a result of the AP not wanting to leave the BS alone. Or even when they know the MP and BS are trying to recover, won't step out and let the MP defog. What is wrong with just saying no to the married prick(male or female) no, I don't roll that way. I won't aid in hurting another human in that way.

 

Just my thoughts on the issue

[jasminetea]

But it's not really a double standard is it? If a BS decides to continue with the marriage then that can only happen if the WS wants to as well and if the WS wants that then s/he [normally] will be begging forgiveness. I don't see many OW/M doing that.

[Owl]

Rereading the initial post, I'm back to not understanding the "double standard".

 

I did eventually forgive my wife's OM...as long as he remains out of our lives, that is.

 

But there was no 'obligation' for me to do so. I had no desire to ever have any kind of interaction with him again, nor do I "owe" him any oppotunity to be forgiven...whereas I could be construed to "owe" my wife that opportunity given our vows to each other. If I wanted to give her that chance...then I had to forgive her in order to have any kind of continue a relationship with her. No relationships desired with OM=no 'obligation' to forgive him

 

There (normally) is no 'bond'...no 'oath' between the affair partner and the BS...where there normally is a long standing bond and oath between BS and WS.

 

What 'obligation' do YOU see for a BS towards the OW/OM?

[PhoenixRise]

No Double Standard

 

It is just that different circumstances call for different responses. My H and I have been in a relationship for 17 years, married 7 years. The only interaction I had with the OW was in the context of me calling her after Dday.

 

After Dday my H accepted my anger, begged for my forgiveness and took many tangible actions to demonstrate his remorse and to recover the marriage.

 

The OW---not so much.

 

From reading here, it seems that many OW/OM don't feel that they need the BS forgiveness because they don't think they have done harm to the BS. They may acknowledge that the WS harmed the BS, but they don't think they did harm. Why go out of your way to forgive someone who doesn't want or need your forgiveness?

 

Bottom line I have a 17 year (mostly good) history with my H. The only thing I know for sure about the OW is that she was sleeping with my H.

 

A double standard requires for the two situations to be equal but get differing responses. The situations are not equal.

[Ariadne]

Hence, the question: why forgive?

 

In many long term couples, one partner cheats at some point or another.

 

Often it doesn't reflect the lack of love or commitment to the marriage but circumstances that lead to that.

 

Not always it's worth to dissolve a union because of that.

[NoIDidn't]

I am with the "no double standard" camp. I don't see one. I don't see why I should ever have to forgive someone who didn't see their actions as hurtful to me and my children.

 

My H, on the other hand, apologized and asked for my forgiveness. He recommitted to our M and family and hasn't looked back.

 

Now, he did tell me after NC was instituted with her on personal subjects that she mentioned wanting to apologize to me and wanted to know "how [we] were doing". But that was just for show and to make it seem like she was oh, so concerned about "us" when all she really wanted to know was if there was an opening for her.

 

Why forgive someone like that? Why forgive someone that would do it all over again without a second thought?

 

I see no double standard except from the "other" side where the BS is expected to act with dignity where no one else has.

[Trialbyfire]

where the BS is expected to act with dignity where no one else has.

What's up with that, huh?

 

While I didn't beat the crap out of her like I wanted to, Jerry Springer style, and I didn't scream and swear at her fish-wife style like I wanted to, I did get my own back and will always feel no remorse. At present, I can't even say I feel any joy or glee about it.

 

If getting your pound of flesh and blood isn't considered dignified, so be it. I'll own it.

[D-Lish]

What's up with that, huh?

 

While I didn't beat the crap out of her like I wanted to, Jerry Springer style, and I didn't scream and swear at her fish-wife style like I wanted to, I did get my own back and will always feel no remorse. At present, I can't even say I feel any joy or glee about it.

 

If getting your pound of flesh and blood isn't considered dignified, so be it. I'll own it.

 

I initially wanted to go Jerry Springer on my ex's OW... I remember threatening my ex H that I was going to make the 5 hour drive to Ohio to "take her out"... lol.

 

But- she was pregnant, so as I was ranting about beating the crap out of her- I felt guilt about making a threat against a pregnant woman!

 

Funny thing is- when I actually ran into the two of them a couple years ago- with their young son in tow (the son born out of their initial affair)- and her being pregnant with their second... I took one look at her and I just didn't feel that rage anymore.

 

I had always pictured that this woman that had lured my husband into her bed was a hot sex kitten. When I met her, she was mousy, older than me, had on a dirty track suit covered in cat hair and a huge puffy stained jacket.

 

She was very sheepish- and I just shook her hand when introduced and pretended I was unphased by the surprise run in at the mall.

[NoIDidn't]

I initially wanted to go Jerry Springer on my ex's OW... I remember threatening my ex H that I was going to make the 5 hour drive to Ohio to "take her out"... lol.

 

But- she was pregnant, so as I was ranting about beating the crap out of her- I felt guilt about making a threat against a pregnant woman!

 

 

I once sat on the phone with a friend who was sitting outside of the pregnant OWs home crying in the car. She felt bad about wanting to beat that former friend ten ways to Sunday.

 

A pregnant OW is my deal breaker. It means that there was unprotected sex. Unprotected sex is a deal breaker for me period. Too many diseases out there that can either kill or maim you for life.

[Trialbyfire]

I initially wanted to go Jerry Springer on my ex's OW... I remember threatening my ex H that I was going to make the 5 hour drive to Ohio to "take her out"... lol.

 

But- she was pregnant, so as I was ranting about beating the crap out of her- I felt guilt about making a threat against a pregnant woman!

That sounds like you D, to feel bad about the threat.

 

Funny thing is- when I actually ran into the two of them a couple years ago- with their young son in tow (the son born out of their initial affair)- and her being pregnant with their second... I took one look at her and I just didn't feel that rage anymore.

It's a great feeling to not care, one way or the other.

 

I had always pictured that this woman that had lured my husband into her bed was a hot sex kitten. When I met her, she was mousy, older than me, had on a dirty track suit covered in cat hair and a huge puffy stained jacket.

I met the MOW more than once, very close to D-day. I was shocked, insulted and rip-raging angry, all at the same time. She was brassy blonde, taller, bigger boned and much heavier than me. I wouldn't have been as insulted, had she been drop-dead gorgeous!

 

I'm laughing at my own reaction, not what she looked like. In retrospect, it's pretty funny.

 

She was very sheepish- and I just shook her hand when introduced and pretended I was unphased by the surprise run in at the mall.

Didn't a small part of you ever wonder how she must have felt, when she got a good look at you? I wonder how long afterwards, your ex had to put up with any kind of insecure reactions from your meeting.

[D-Lish]

That sounds like you D, to feel bad about the threat.

 

It's a great feeling to not care, one way or the other.

 

I met the MOW more than once, very close to D-day. I was shocked, insulted and rip-raging angry, all at the same time. She was brassy blonde, taller, bigger boned and much heavier than me. I wouldn't have been as insulted, had she been drop-dead gorgeous!

 

I'm laughing at my own reaction, not what she looked like. In retrospect, it's pretty funny.

 

Didn't a small part of you ever wonder how she must have felt, when she got a good look at you? I wonder how long afterwards, your ex had to put up with any kind of insecure reactions from your meeting.

 

I guess the only thing that "got" to me was that she was so unnattractive. She was also 8 months pregnant at the time. I even felt guilty for feeling relief that she was pretty large and weathered, lol. He text me minutes after to tell me how good I looked and that his wife thought I was nice!!!!

 

At the same time, she and I were miles apart. I am tall and thin, long blonde hair and fashion forward. She was older, short dark hair, pretty large and not a stitch of fashion sense. My complete opposite! I guess it was both comforting and disconcerting at the same time. He cheated with someone nothing like me.

 

I guess it gave me pause for thought that he may have cheated with someone that I myself deemed less attractive physically- but it did make me wonder what other things she offered that I lacked.

 

I'll be honest- it felt good to know she wasn't hot. I know that's shallow. My friend was with me and I had to restrain her from intervening and making waves- she kept calling her a "brown paper bag"... lol.

 

I didn't know you met/knew the OW as well! It's great you met someone new and got through all the imbedded trust issues that such a situation creates. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I just can't find that trust again. I'm sort of stuck still, and as I can recall, I've been single longer than you.

 

Seriously, when I met her, I felt a bit sorry for her- mostly because I knew she felt so uncomfortable and that made me feel bad.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess the only thing that "got" to me was that she was so unnattractive. She was also 8 months pregnant at the time. I even felt guilty for feeling relief that she was pretty large and weathered, lol. He text me minutes after to tell me how good I looked and that his wife thought I was nice!!!!

 

At the same time, she and I were miles apart. I am tall and thin, long blonde hair and fashion forward. She was older, short dark hair, pretty large and not a stitch of fashion sense. My complete opposite! I guess it was both comforting and disconcerting at the same time. He cheated with someone nothing like me.

 

I guess it gave me pause for thought that he may have cheated with someone that I myself deemed less attractive physically- but it did make me wonder what other things she offered that I lacked.

D, who knows. Maybe she was like the MOW in my situ, where she enabled his negative qualities. If he's narcissistic as well, he would also need a narcissistic supply, like my ex did.

 

I'll be honest- it felt good to know she wasn't hot. I know that's shallow. My friend was with me and I had to restrain her from intervening and making waves- she kept calling her a "brown paper bag"... lol.

That's why I was laughing at my own outrage, since it was such a shallow and vain reaction!

 

I didn't know you met/knew the OW as well!

The meetings were after D-day, at my request. I twisted my ex's arm, to get them, since I wanted to kill her. I hadn't met her previously.

 

It's great you met someone new and got through all the imbedded trust issues that such a situation creates. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I just can't find that trust again. I'm sort of stuck still, and as I can recall, I've been single longer than you.

It was a domino effect, in that I finally found an anchor within me and S. was the icing on the cake. He's such an emotionally open man, who you automatically trust since he's so solid internally.

 

You've changed too. Think about how you learned to trust your last man, more than the previous ones, if I recall correctly. That he wasn't the one, didn't make a difference.

 

I have faith that you'll eventually be able to work your way through them too! Trust your gut instincts D. They'll never fail you if you listen to them and not try to rationalize them away.

 

I also think you haven't met the right guy. Once that happens, it's so easy.

Seriously, when I met her, I felt a bit sorry for her- mostly because I knew she felt so uncomfortable and that made me feel bad.

Well I hope you don't feel bad anymore. Your ex and the OW are history, something worth leaving behind.

[Gamine]

I never posted on the OW/OM forums before, but recent posts have gotten me thinking. If you're a married spouse ( be you male or female) and you've been cheated on, why would you tolerate giving your husband/wife another chance, when you can't even tolerate them having a OW/OM? Both of them cheated, not just one. So to forgive one over the other seems like a double standard.

 

You know you can't blame the OW/OM for " seducing" your spouse, both persons involved in an A are responsible for their own actions.

 

Hence, the question: why forgive?

 

A double standard would imply that the two parties are somehow similar and that the way they are being 'treated' is dissimilar.

 

When your spouse is your spouse. The OP was not someone I knew or would never, in all likelihood, ever meet. She was a horny, middle aged married woman who wanted to have sexual pleasure from other men... and acquire a meal ticket so she could leave her husband. I wanted to deck her. I decked him. I may forgive him someday. He has apologized and breaks his back to win me back. Dumped her like a bad habit the day I found out and has been strictly NC since. She tried desperately to reconnect with him... perhaps because the batteries in her vibrator had worn out. Notwithstanding, I owe her no friendship, no understanding, nothing... absolutely nothing. I don't owe her anything. Knowing she was married...knowing my husband was my husband... she made herself sexually available and pursued him relentlessly. He was equally as culpable.

 

I owe friends understanding because there is a basis in order to understand.

 

The most I could ever offer her is allowing her to continue her in her own life and live as empty or as 'complete' of an existence that she deems appropriate for herself. But since I am a Jersey girl, I would have loved the opportunity to tell her where to go.

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks everyone for your responses. The reason I consider forgiving the WS a double standard is because most of us won't tolerate a cheater, and it would sound reasonable to just commence with D-DAY to get rid of them. So then why forgive?

 

How many of you really value your marriage vows? I would think if marriage vows were valued, your WS wouldn't have cheated in the first place?

 

If it's for the sake of the children and keeping the peace in the house then yes, you're not necessarily staying for love, but merely to to maintain the status quo.

 

Why would you subject yourself to be the person that can forgive a spouse? Merely because they apologize and initiate NC? As someone mentioned, their apologies might not even be sincere.

 

Hence my belief is that if you can't forgive an OW/OM, it's not reasonable to forgive your WS.