New Here, ending relationship with MM

[hurtgirl]

I am not sure how this all happened. We started "dating" in Feb. He told me from the start his marriage was over. By March he told her he wanted a divorce. She left their house and was supposed to be gone for 2 months. A lot happened to him all at once, his ailing mom got worse, his job was eliminated and he was offered a lesser job with relocation.

She came back after 3 weeks and since she's been back it's been a nightmare.

 

At first she agreed with him, then she hated him, then she started begging him to change his mind.

He tells me that he sleeps in the other room, they aren't romantic, not even a kiss yet, though she's been back over a month.

 

But I don't even care about all of that, I mean, I do, but more importantly, I didn't sign up to be the OW. I was delusional to think that it would be easy, but it seemed like they both wanted out. They've been married 13 years, together 15. Have no kids together, she has grown kids from other men.

 

This whole month he's been putting off talking to her to discuss their relationship. He says he was hoping she'd get tired of the way they are living and he didn't want to cave in and agree to try again. They've been to counseling before and he says he won't do it again.

 

Last week, we spent four nights together on a business trip. It was a blast. We have incredible times together, never running out of things to talk about, same weird sense of humor, lots of fun. And we have incredible sexual chemistry. We went home Friday. His mother passed away Sat. He has sense stopped telling me he loves me or misses me, says it's because of a lot of new guilt he is feeling because she was so good to his Mom last week.

 

I wrote him a letter telling everything I feel. And I told him if he can't tell me he loves me and misses me, he should not contact me anymore. I don't know if I am doing the wrong thing. I am so mad at him for shutting me out when he should be leaning on me. He tells me I am his best friend. Apparently I am not.

 

His txt's are all formal and cold, like "thank you for thinking of me" where I would expect him to tell me how he's feeling and what is happening. thank you? Why would he thank me? I love him, of course I would be thinking of him.

 

This whole month since she's been home, I've been the second class citizen. I can't call him when I want or see him like I used to. I mean, I am the OW. And he told me that wouldn't happen.

If he loved me, how could he expect me to accept less than I deserve out of life?

 

He is 16 years older than me btw. We work together indirectly, so I don't have to see him.

I am dying inside though. I don't understand how he could be so sure about his marriage being dead, then go back to it. I don't understand how he could be so sure that I was made for him, and then let me go.

 

Was this all a lie? Did he ever really love me? I feel like how he treats me is entirely dictated by his wife. The same wife that was supposed to also want to be divorced. I never intended to compete with her. I'm sure she deserves way more than he is giving her too.

 

I don't know what I need to hear from you all...just tell me that I am doing the right thing by walking away. I have been an emotional mess for 5 weeks now and there is no end in sight.

[bentnotbroken]

He's married to someone else, what else do you need to know you are doing the right thing?

[Gamine]

Perhaps his journey was not as definitive as he thought it was. Allow him to figure out what he wants in his life and give him the space he needs. You may have entered his life when he was going through a hard time personally and, by consequence, his marriage. My husband said similar things to the OW. She believed from the outset that things were completely over between us and that they had a whole life to plan together. She was also married.

 

They even made a promise to one another that neither of them would be sexually intimate with their spouse. Sort of keeping each other for one another. Then, she learned that we were intimate. She was confused as to why we were going away together on vacation and asked him whether or not we had slept together. Of course he said 'yes'. She was heartbroken, urged him to move out and he simply said no. I found out, and he dropped the affair cold.

 

The only wisdom I can get out of this is that the best rule to follow is... 'it ain't over 'til it's over'. In other words, there is still a marriage until there isn't one anymore. And, one never knows what is really going on in a MM or MW's marriage.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure his mothers death has made him stop and think. Obviously he still does love his wife, enough to go back and try to work it out. They have a history together, 15 years! Even if there are no kids involved, their life has been entwined, friends, family, inlaws, extended family..It's hard to just up and throw everything away, even if he has great sex with you, says he loves you.. This could be a case of the grass is greener.. And, unfortunately for you, he does have a choice to decide what he wants..As do you.

 

Ending it is the best case senario, no good can come of you being the OW.

[hartbroken]

She left and he let her come back? That right there should tell you something..RUN LIKE HELL...From my own experience he will play head games with you and do everything he can (including lie) to keep you in his life "just in case" Run until you see a copy of the divorce papers and she is gone..Thats my opinion..These MM all want their cake and to eat it too...I finally got the strength this past week to tell mine I was done being his playtoy..I feel sad and miss him but let him cope with his wife I figure..she is the one he married and wants to stay with so let her have him..Tough luck!! Find someone who is free to give you all of himself not just the crumbs he wants to give you!!! This guy is obviously a confused wreck!!

[2sure]

When the wife left, you mention she was supposed to be gone for 2 months. If they were divorcing or even thinking about it - they would have left that open ended. Instead, they said "2 months". Thats not a divorce, thats a break to think about things, with a definite date to get back together. As it is, it didnt even last that long.

 

Women without children dont usually come back to a man they have left if they know he is having an affair. You can count on the fact that he asked her to not only come back, but to come back right away.

 

Its VERY possible that the other important events happening in his life made him realize what his priorities should be. Other than a weekend away, you didnt make the list.

 

He is treating his wife and you terribly.

Sometimes it is frustrating because so many OW try to believe in MM's words - even when his actions tell them otherwise.

But your MM is no longer telling you he loves you, and his actions are starting to match his words.

 

You dont have to wonder what his feelings are - through words and actions he has told you. It sucks, you have been wronged. But stop wondering and focus on you and recovering.

 

At some point you have to ask yourself what made you , in particular, vulnerable enough to find yourself in this position.

[fooled once]

I agree with the others --- you are the OW and have been since the beginning of the affair.

 

He is showing you how 'important' you are to him.

 

I know you are hurting, but stop contacting him and start exercising him out of your life.

[wildsoul]

I know it's hard to switch gears from what he told you then, to what is happening now, but you need to accept it.

 

It sounds like you agreed to date him because it seemed that he was going to be divorced, not that you wanted to be in an affair.

 

Now that he's gone back to his wife, you need to look it anew. He's NOT divorcing. He's living with her. The terms of the deal have changed. You need to find the strength to put in a boundary for your OWN SAKE.

 

He's either trying to be kind by not "dumping you" or being sneaky by keeping you on the hook. But in any case, he's giving you the fade out instead of a clear message. DON'T let him lead that. Take charge. You'll feel a lot better later if you consider the R over. If you stay, you're going to get hurt. Pick up your self-esteem and WALK.

 

I know it's hard because you've already got the relationship & sexual chemistry going, but you've got to cut the ties.

 

Quite a few of us have recently gone thru breakups or are just starting the process. Reach out to the board here instead of contacting him!

[hurtgirl]

Thank you all so much for answering me.

 

About the two months, she was planning to relocate to another part of the country where her children and grandchildren are, so the deal was she would go there and find a house while he stayed behind and sold theirs.

She was to come back in two months to handle splitting the assets and stuff.

I bought that anyway. It was likely a trial.

 

I realize that I was a fool to think things would work out with this man. I don't think he lied to me on purpose. I think he likely believed these things and was surprised himself when she wanted the marriage to work out.

He tells me he feels guilt, he'll wreck her life if he doesn't give it 'one more try". Then he tells me that he won't go to counseling, or change a lot about how he behaves in the marriage, so the one more try seems like a farce to me.

 

I feel sure he'd keep me around, even when doing the "one more try", which makes me sick. I don't want to see him as a cheating married man, I want to see him as a man of his word.

 

I believe that he wants out of the marriage. But I believe that he thought she would also, and it would be easy. I think he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

 

He told all of his family and stopped wearing his ring. He found a lawyer and got advice from friends. Her family sent him letters asking him to try again. He did things that made me really believe it was going to be ok.

 

He says he owes her one more chance but that he doesn't want to be with her.

 

But none of that matters, right? Doesn't matter why he is there or what he says or even how he feels. All that matters is that he is with her and not me. He is choosing to wake up with her every day,not me, to spend holidays and vacations with her, not me.

 

He says what would hurt him the most is losing the friendship part. I told him that I have been lurking on forums and that is an emotional affair. If he is comfortable with her knowing about me and knowing everything he is sharing with me, then it would be ok. Otherwise it is inappropriate and is denying her a part of him.

 

I want him to man up and do the right thing. It bothers me that he is going back to the relationship with little plans to make it work, no plans to ever admit to an affair (he told me in the beginning he'd tell her the truth if she asked, but later lied when she did).

 

I told him he should tell her at least what was missing that allowed him to look elsewhere, even if he doesn't tell her he did. He should either tell her the truth or as close as he can, then go to counseling or join a marriage building website, something, to try to make it work.

 

I would feel so much better about it being over if I knew it was because he was trying to do the right thing to the woman he made vows to.

 

I guess to sum it up, I am hurt because he is not the man I thought he was. I don't want a man who will hurt two women. Neither of us deserve this.

[whichwayisup]

. If he is comfortable with her knowing about me and knowing everything he is sharing with me, then it would be ok. Otherwise it is inappropriate and is denying her a part of him.

 

Actually, all this does is keep the emotional side of the affair going. It keeps you as the OW, unable to let go and heal, unable to let yourself find someone else or allow your heart to let someone else in. It's a lose-lose situation. A friendship isn't possible when he is still with his wife. It's unfair to you, to his wife and their effort to save their marriage.

 

If one day is officially divorced, then you can casually 'date' him, start off properly..Until then, try your best to grieve and heal.

[2sure]

hotgurl.

 

I have to tell you something. And its not to hurt you or embarrass you.

 

He is lying to you. ALL of the things you wrote that he has said and done ...we have all heard.

 

I am telling you this because it is clear in your post that as smart and as articulate and self aware that you probably are...

 

The only one not seeing all of the lies and cliches...is you.

 

You are going to kick yourself. Fortunately, I think for you - it will be soon.

[hurtgirl]

Thank you TooSure.

 

I am intelligent, successful and known as a very logical thinker. Through many relationships I have always been the logic girl.

This has thrown me for a loop and made me someone I don't know.

 

Last contact was earlier today when he agreed via txt that we would end it.

 

I broke down and am sure I will more, but I am feeling a bit better. Almost like a weight is off my shoulders.

 

So much crazy emotional BS over the last few weeks. I would be willing to bet a paycheck that he thinks I will go back to him, break down, want him again, or that with a little effort I'll fall back into his arms. But I won't. I may write here a lot, but I won't go back to that.

 

I hate what this has done mostly to how I see him. I would rather he have told me upfront that he wasn't sure what was going to happen then to profess his love and talk of a future with me. I would also have respected him if he told me that he was going back. He continued, till today, to say that he wasn't sure if he wanted to try again.

 

I think he was sure, but wanted to string me along as long as he could. I am to blame for going along with it and for being in this situation. I felt a bond with him that I've never felt before and I got all dreamy over it.

Truth is the bond was just a lie. It was all lies.

 

Part of me holds out hope. I hope that he feels a large void in his life and misses me terribly and goes forward with his divorce. But I know the hope will subside with time, and more importantly, as I learn to accept who he is and who he is not, I won't want him.

 

He is weak and selfish. Not redeeming qualities.

[wildsoul]

He is weak and selfish. Not redeeming qualities.

I completely understand the disappointment of realizing your xMM is not the man you thought (or the man he portrayed himself to be.)

 

But you have a better scenario with this than many others here. Seeing this ugly truth about him gives you grounds to terminate the relationship because you know he isn't right for you, rather than pine away for the "right man in the wrong circumstances."

 

It sucks. It's painful. But it allows you to abandon hope and make a cleaner break. There's no "if he gets divorced someday," you can latch onto. You're in (or will be growing into) the powerful position of being able to say, "even if he was single, I don't want him!" Hurts now, but you're going to be able to move on better/faster with this awareness.

[fooled once]

He says he owes her one more chance but that he doesn't want to be with he

 

This made me laugh because no one "owes" anyone anything - except maybe an explanation as to why someone cheated.

 

He does want to work it out with his wife; he just isn't man enough to admit it.