I ended the affair and his true colours have surfaced...

[unhappylady]

Hi

 

You may or may not remember me. I ended my 13 month affair at the beginning of last week.

 

I can't even begin to describe the pain I am feeling, in fact I don't need to, you all know this pain. It's like my heart is being ripped in two.

 

But I am still steadfast in my decision, I will not break.

 

Having blocked all email and phone contact following my email ending the relationship I thought that MM would not be able to contact me and would respect my decision by not trying to 'win me back'.

 

I have just received the biggest bouquet of flowers I have ever seen - 50 red roses (!!!) with a card saying 'please can we talk?, I love you'.

 

WHY WHY WHY??!!!!!! I specifically said NC is the only way, why is he doing this? If he respected my wishes he would stay away wouldn't he?.

 

Don't worry Loveshackians, I will not contact him, I will not cave.

 

I am just gobsmacked and my pain is now unbearable as heart is beating ten to the dozen following the gesture and all the 'high' emotions are flooding back and images of the good times are swimming around my head.

 

I feel like returning them - to his home address!

 

Sorry to rant, I am really mixed up and kind of angry.

 

What would I do without you cyber friends? You are my lifeline.

[unhappylady]

Actually the title of my thread doesn't even make sense. Just ignore me.

 

I can't breathe, this has totally thrown me.

 

Why?

[JeezLouise]

Well, it is a rare person who doesn't like being thought of or remember or like having grand gestures made for them.

 

But if you really do NOT want to be OW anymore, then stick tight to your NC.

 

A good thing for your flowers is to take them to a retirement home. That is a lot of roses, and they can divide them up and put them all over the place, which is a lovely thing for the elderly to see.

[JLee26]

Congrats on the NC, its a huge step, hold tight and hold strong, there may be more things headed your direction. You have already taken the first step forward!!!

 

Take the flowers somewhere they will be appreciated, i agree with the retirement home, or if you have a neighbor who doesnt get out much or have alot of friends, leave them at their doorsteps, itll brighten their day.

[Owl]

Send the flowers to his wife, along with a note asking her to please get him to stop trying to resume the affair with you.

 

The only way that he's going to stop is when he suffers a real consequence for his actions.

 

YOUR SILENCE is not a consequence.

 

Suddenly fighting to save his marriage would be one.

 

He's been given ample chance to do the right thing here...fight dirty.

[Heather1]

well....I think I'll go eat a gallon of ice cream now. I'm kinda jealous.

 

Stick to your guns if you want him to choose (even if it's not you). Cave if you want the situation to remain the same.

 

I'm going to go buy myself some flowers & a nice gift!

[stuckinoz]

I don't know the whole story - but I think that sending the flowers to his home address would be a "Priceless" move on your part.

 

Probably stir up a hornets nest......but Priceless nonetheless!!

[wildsoul]

Hang tight and be prepared for other kinds of attempts (since this one won't work.) I read something before that always stuck with me. I'll quickly summarize it.

 

There are 3 main seduction hooks that an ex partner will use to get a relationship going again:

 

1. Romance/sex: Emotional calls & emails. Flowers. Gifts. Offers to take you on a fancy vacation. Sexual flirtations. Promises of committments, engagements, devotion.

 

2. Rescuing: Offers to help you with a problem. Career opportunities. Financial support. Emotional support. Being a hero. Inspiring gratitude (and indebtedness.)

 

3. Anger/guilt: Attempts to get an argument going. Goading you out of NC and into contact again. Any contact is better than no contact. Inspiring an arguement that will lead to making up again. Making you feel guilty, so you'll come back begging for THEM. Blatantly abandoning you so you will start chasing them again.

 

Batten down the hatches, darlin! You'll probably get more attempts like this. Maybe more romantic gestures, but he might try the others as well.

[MizzBlue72]

I agree with WildSoul 100%.

 

It's not going to be pretty - but do not contact him .. AT ALL.

 

Be prepared for calls to office next if he has your address there ... if so - change your office number.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree with Owl. It's time you gobsmacked(I love this word:lmao:) him right back. Fight dirty for your life and your sanity. His wife needs to know what he is up to. You and she deserve to be free of this miserable piece of crap.

[lovekillsslowly]

Hang in there unhappylady! You are being so strong! I admire you!

 

You ask WHY? IMO he is doing this because he wants to keep you hanging on...unable to move on with your life....unable to find someone else....keeping you emotionally connected to him...so that IF his marriage doesn't work out and he decides to leave his wife or she leaves him etc. he has kept you dangling like a carrot on a string and you will be there for him when everyone and everything else has gone away.

 

Quite simply you are meeting some needs of his that his wife is not...at least he feels like she isn't. And he is not ready to give that up so he sent the flowers.

 

But don't cave in! How are you going to handle things mentally, physically and emotionally if you go back to him and give him another chance and then his wife does start fulfilling all his needs (emotional and physical) and HE ends it with you!

 

It's a TERRIBLE feeling to give someone another chance because they asked / begged you too and then they DUMP YOU to "work on their marriage". It knocks your self-confidence and self-esteem down to nothing and makes you look in the mirror and wonder "what is wrong with me??? Why wasn't I good enough????"

 

You deserve better than all this emotional and mental turmoil from some man.

[Stepone]

Send the flowers to his wife, along with a note asking her to please get him to stop trying to resume the affair with you.

 

The only way that he's going to stop is when he suffers a real consequence for his actions.

 

.

 

TOTALLY agree - with mine the only thing that made him wake up to reality and finally leave me alone (so far) was to actually ask his wife to ensure he left me alone! If you are serious about ending it, do this. And it has a wonderful side effect of waking his wife up to what sort of man he is. Particularly before she finds out about you and he tells her you were the one pursuing him!! Yes most of them do this.

 

I can sense that although flattered, a part of you is honestly angry - as he has interfered with your "bereavement" process by doing this. Reopened a wound that you are putting all your efforts into healing. Stay strong!!

[norajane]

Roses are easy. A few clicks on the computer, and they're on their way.

 

So what? Does that make him any less married? Or any more ready to get a divorce to be with you? Does that make him any less of a liar and cheater? Does that make you more willing to stand by on the fringes of his life?

 

Keep them as your parting gift, thanks for playing. Or give them away. Or chop them up as mulch for your garden. Either way, don't lose sight of the life you want for yourself, a life which does not include waiting around for more of MM's lies.

[Heather1]

3. Anger/guilt: Attempts to get an argument going. Goading you out of NC and into contact again. Any contact is better than no contact. Inspiring an arguement that will lead to making up again. Making you feel guilty, so you'll come back begging for THEM. Blatantly abandoning you so you will start chasing them again.

 

Thanks for that info! This is my experience....hardly any romance since it started, and I'm not a fighter. Interesting. I just thought I was going insane!

 

Unhappy, 3 weeks of NC will really help you see things clearly. Don't respond, give yourself some time. Of course, getting in touch w/ the wife will end it for good.

[quankanne]

he's going to do anything he can to weasel his way back into your affections, because this relationship is primarily about him ... not you, and definitely not about his wife. Only about getting HIS needs met.

 

stay strong, but more importantly, don't sell yourself short. You can get through this trial/test, simply because you understand you deserve better than whatever it is he feels he can tempt you with ... because he cannot give you the one thing you truly deserve, and that's his respect.

 

don't respond to his overtures, don't acknowledge anything he says or does, just pretend he is dead to you.

 

while the idea of sending the flowers to his wife is tempting, it would only fall in with his goal to provoke a response from you. I think the nursing home idea is better, unless you are willing to go lay them on random graves with a kind thought or prayer for the buried person, or even give them to someone who would least expect it, like the cleaning crew at work. You wouldn't be stuck with a reminder of him, and he would be footing the bill for your act of kindness

[unhappylady]

Thank you so much for your replies and opinions on the reasoning behind the flowers.

 

I couldn't stand them in the house and so have taken them to the hospice around the corner - they were gobsmacked but overjoyed. 50 red roses is a huge bunch!.

 

I put the card that came with the flowers in the bin outside the hospice...then sat in my car and sobbed my heart out for an hour.

 

I am so cross at myself for getting upset as I was doing so well - too well maybe?. I love this man with every fibre in my body, if he loves me the same why can't he set me free? I am so angry at him, he's messing my head up. On the other hand, I haven't caved, I haven't caved!!....

 

He's probably going to be expecting a 'thanks for the flowers' email or text which he won't be getting. I will not respond.

 

Wildsoul - thanks for the information on the 'seduction hooks' - wow, very interesting reading. I am ready for them!

 

This is so hard, I might sound strong and determined but inside I feel so alone and miss him terribly. But I can't go back, no matter what. I was dying inside and I just can't do it anymore.

 

Thanks so much for your support.