Depressed and don't know how to move on :-(

[Dogrescuer]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is my first time posting here and I was scared because I often find that people who haven't been in our shoes tend to judge us very harshly and looked down upon. I admit, that before I got myself involved in an affair and when I heard someone talk about it I also judged them. Then lo and behold I am in their shoes now experiencing it first hand what they were talking about back than and I didn't understand their situation.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am the OW and while I have not posted on this site before, but I have been on other internet sites where emotions run high and people who are way ahead in their healing from an affair tend to be a little harsh on the newcomers. I try not to call myself a newcomer, because after all this isn't the first time I have ended my affair, this isn't the first time I have told my story (just not here) and I have been on the emotional rollercoaster ride for close to 5 years. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We are all on the same boat here, but I kindly ask that when you read my story, please be understanding, I am not perfect, I made mistakes over and over again, haven't learned my lesson yet, I may be blind and naive WHY I got involved in the first place, why I still obsess over him and the affair in my head, why I can't understand that HE is moving on no problem and I am crushed beyond belief, etc. But I am only human.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So, here is my story.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am a MW for the past 14 years and to be quite honest many marriages can experience what I have gone thru. My husband is very loving and by far the perfect husband a woman could ask for. It's nothing he did or didn't do that made me do what I did. It was all me, I wasn't happy anymore, we grew apart, we lacked passion, etc.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I have a feeling I have also fallen out of love with him, otherwise, I wouldn't have strayed. So 5 years ago I met another man. I was scared of getting involved and while this was my one and only affair, but I had an idea that affairs are usually about just sex and then you get dumped when they had their fun. I guess I was naive to believe that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him and more than just an affair partner. It was instant attraction and he felt the same way. For a whole year we didn't act on it at all. Until finally we said "Hi" and then the whole thing begun. An affair. Now, while I KNOW what I did was wrong, BUT if he didn't deceive me, I would have done the right thing and tell my husband that I want a divorce from him and I would have dated that other man in a normal relationship. I fell in love with that guy so deeply I couldn't look back. I know, I know, they say there is no such thing in an affair as love, that's it's only lust. That's not true, because I actually do know people who have started their relationship from an affair and fell in love instantly and are now together as a real couple. So, it can happen. I know I am just being illusional that he will come back to me on a big white horse and we live happily ever after. Far from it. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I always had my doubts that he was married as well and that's what he deceived me with because he told me he was single when we first started talking. I guess he couldn't hide it from me anymore and 2 months into the affair he finally confessed to me. I also believe he did that because he realized that this affair was turning into a very serious bond between us because I told him how I was in love and ready to leave my husband for him.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So, the truth came out. I was devastated, heartbroken and didn't know what to do. I should have just walked away from him and ended the affair but I didn't. I found that happiness with him that I was missing in my marriage.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Now fast forward to 5 years later. This affair has "lasted" that long, but we went thru so many ups and downs I am surprised I haven't killed myself yet. It was mainly him who kept ending it with me out of guilt, or we got caught, just a whole lot of things. But each time even after months of NC we always resumed things. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The problem was always that my intentions to be with him was that I thought I met a SINGLE guy and found happiness again after a long time of unhappiness in my marriage and was willing to do the right thing and leave my husband for him. Him, on the other hand, just like many married men who engage in affairs it was just a thrill and an escape from his marriage to fill a void. Period. He gave me mixed signals, and while he did say he will never leave his wife for me, but he had me believe him with all the "I love you's" that he "cared".[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Each time it ended I always thought it was it "The End", but it never was and mainly because I wouldn't let him go and constantly BEGGED him to take me back. It was making me look pathetic and I lost my own dignity.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So, it ended yet AGAIN last week. We had a fight because he dissed me when we made plans for lunch, so he decided to have lunch with a friend of his instead. I didn't think the fight that evolved from this would be bad enough to shut me out completely but he did just that. He disconnected his cell phone so that I can't call him, yet he didn't even say it's over. I know there is no closure in affairs, it's not like real relationships. Someone once told me that in a real relationship the feelings fade first and then the relationship ends, in an affair, however, the relationship ends first (out of guilt, getting caught, etc.) and then the feelings fade away later.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]While I know he did me a favor by shutting me out completely and for us to end this toxic relationship once and for all. I know it was wrong, I know no one put a gun to my head from the get go and made me get involved with him, I did it by CHOICE. But in the end I am still a human being. And no I am NOT the victim here either! Feelings got involved and while it was wrong I am still going thru the pain just like any other human being.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It hurts being rejected like this, it hurts that he now made me feel like I don't even exist, how without any explanation I have no closure now and I am scared that I will break NC or he will and it will suck me right back in.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I tried everything in the past to move on but nothing worked. The longest we have gone with NC at one point was 5 months. It didn't work. I broke it and he took me back only out of pity just to break up with me a few months later.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I tried individual counseling, group therapy, hypnosis, reading books about healing, and even thoughts of suicide. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I know I don't deserve him but I am still not happy and I don't mean with myself, just overall in my marriage and I miss what I had with him that I don't have at home with my husband. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I don't know what to do anymore. PLEASE HELP!!!! [/sIZE][/FONT]

[bentnotbroken]

Start by telling your H so he can make decisions about his own life, then divorce him and let him find happiness. Tell him you haven't been happy in a while, you had the A, and you don't love him. You need to be alone to figure out the screwed up logic you have used.

[2sure]

Well, first - its pretty clear why you were vulnerable to this affair. You state quite clearly that you are not happy with your marriage. Your H is fine, and you feel the problem is you. And thats ok . Either way, you are unhappy in the marriage and this unhappiness with YOURSELF left you open not only to an affair, but one in which you were left begging, etc.

 

"The problem was always that my intentions to be with him was that I thought I met a SINGLE guy and found happiness again after a long time of unhappiness in my marriage and was willing to do the right thing and leave my husband for him. Him, on the other hand, just like many married men who engage in affairs it was just a thrill and an escape from his marriage to fill a void. Period. He gave me mixed signals, and while he did say he will never leave his wife for me, but he had me believe him with all the "I love you's" that he "cared".[/sIZE"

 

What I dont understand in your post is the above quote. You have been willing to end your marriage. Then what is stopping you??

Some people say they dont want to "hurt" their spouse by leaving them - even though an affair certainly hurts them more whether discovered or not. But thats not what you say here - you are clear that you wanted to do the right thing. So, thats good! Why not do the right thing ?

 

Life happens and sometimes it and the decisions we make are hard ones. Sadly, at the lowest points of our lives we are often victims to our own actions.

 

But you have to come to terms with what the right thing is, possibly because your H is a good person and beneath all of this - so are you.

 

Will you only do the right thing if MM is there for you??

[lkjh]

Well, first - its pretty clear why you were vulnerable to this affair. You state quite clearly that you are not happy with your marriage. Your H is fine, and you feel the problem is you. And thats ok . Either way, you are unhappy in the marriage and this unhappiness with YOURSELF left you open not only to an affair, but one in which you were left begging, etc.

 

"The problem was always that my intentions to be with him was that I thought I met a SINGLE guy and found happiness again after a long time of unhappiness in my marriage and was willing to do the right thing and leave my husband for him. Him, on the other hand, just like many married men who engage in affairs it was just a thrill and an escape from his marriage to fill a void. Period. He gave me mixed signals, and while he did say he will never leave his wife for me, but he had me believe him with all the "I love you's" that he "cared".[/sIZE"

 

What I dont understand in your post is the above quote. You have been willing to end your marriage. Then what is stopping you??

Some people say they dont want to "hurt" their spouse by leaving them - even though an affair certainly hurts them more whether discovered or not. But thats not what you say here - you are clear that you wanted to do the right thing. So, thats good! Why not do the right thing ?

 

Life happens and sometimes it and the decisions we make are hard ones. Sadly, at the lowest points of our lives we are often victims to our own actions.

 

But you have to come to terms with what the right thing is, possibly because your H is a good person and beneath all of this - so are you.

 

Will you only do the right thing if MM is there for you??

 

I think she is re-writing history. She is making excuses for what she has done. If she was unhappy she could divorce, being unhappy is not a reason to cheat and put your SO mental and physical health at risk. Saying she was unhappy is her way of justifying this. She at one point says she was ready to do the right thing and leave her H for the OM, these are the words of a selfish person who believes the right thing to do is what makes them happy.

 

 

Dogrescuer,

 

rescue your H and divorce him. Free him from the wife that has been cheating on him for 4 years of there 14 year marriage. Don't lie to him and try an blame all the problems on him. Be a big girl and accept responsibility. If you were unhappy you could have done a lot of things. You could have talked to your H, MC, talk to friends, talk to family, pick up hobbies, working out and the list goes on. You chose the worst and cruelest thing

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome!

 

The technology of this forum doesn't let you copy/paste text from Microsoft Word or from other forum posts. When you do, all the formatting code shows up in your posts, making it unreadable.

 

God bless the previous posters who tried to read it anyway and reply. I'd like to read your post and reply. I just can't get past the code.

 

If you really feel the need to compose your post on our computer and not type directly into the comment box, then you need to use a plain text program such as Notepad or Wordpad. Then the format codes won't show up.

 

Plain text. Inserting blank lines inbetween paragraphs. Don't use bold font, except for emphasis. Those things make it easier for others to read. You'll get a LOT more replies if you make it easier for us to help you.

[Owl]

I'd agree with some of the advice you've been given...

 

Your focus remains on your affair...which right now, you can't do anything about.

 

Change your focus for a while...work on what you're going to do in your OWN marriage.

 

It appears to me that you've avoided thinking about or focusing on that for a very long time.

 

Take your own steps to "be ready".

 

Tell your H...file for divorce...take action on THAT front.

 

File if you're 100% sure that you'll never be satisfied with your current marriage and husband. If you're not...then you need to stop waffling, and make a choice...working on the marriage, or working on the affair. Doing both is unfair to EVERYONE involved...you, OM, and your H.

 

So...focus on resolving your marriage...one way or another. Decide what you're doing there FIRST, and make that happen.

 

THEN see where you're at on the affair front.

[White Flower]

Dogrescuer,

 

You are right, you share the blame in your own misery. I know, I did the same. Somehow we allow ourselves to put on blinder that say the BS doesn't exist then when reality sets in we are devastated that we could be a part of all this.

 

Another thing you said that stood out to me was this:

 

I know there is no closure in affairs, it's not like real relationships. Someone once told me that in a real relationship the feelings fade first and then the relationship ends, in an affair, however, the relationship ends first (out of guilt, getting caught, etc.) and then the feelings fade away later.

 

This is why it is so hard to end the affair. Nothing gets hashed out and there is no closure. You just have to accept it and rebuild your life. You can do it. We all have to.

[Dogrescuer]

This is in response to poster "lkjh".

 

I am not a kid and don't need to be scolded. I guess I came to the wrong message board, maybe this isn't a "support" forum for OW/OM or a place where you can safely and freely post a personal matter. I am not looking for pats on the back either, but I also didn't come here to be lashed out at. This is why I was SCARED to post!!! I am in a situation that's hard to deal with as it is, and telling me I am making up excuses, or that I am selfish isn't making my situation any better.

 

It's like a kid who does something wrong and then you just yell the crap out of them even more instead of trying to understand what they did wrong. If you don't have anything nice to say, or be at least a LITTLE understanding, then don't say anything at all.

 

And also, before you comment on people's threads read it MORE carefully. I said my husband had NOTHING to do with my affair. It was ME. You said in your reply that I blamed him. Please get your facts straight before you say something!

 

Also, in my first thread I didn't elaborate on many things because I already wrote a mouthful and I didn't wanna make my thread a mile long. Just curious, are you an OW/OM??? When you are in an affair this isn't something you discuss with your friends. Second, I did seek counseling, but after hundreds of $$$ I couldn't afford it anymore. Blame me for that too, that it's all just excuses! I do have hobbies, I do workout...is there anything else you wanna rip into??? Jesus Christ!!!

 

I do appreciate all the other posters what they had to say, but at this point I feel like this isn't gonna help me if I'll be called all sorts of things here.

[Owl]

DR...stop for a minute...go back and re-read what IJKH said.

 

You weren't called any names. You weren't scolded. You weren't attacked.

 

What you WERE given was some very point blank, no nonsense advice.

 

The comments about "re-writing marital history" are very likely on the money. This is an extremely common occurrence that nearly every WS (wayward spouse) does when they're in the throes of an affair.

 

The suggestion to "free your H" also makes sense if you look at it without flinching. You HAVE been cheating on your H for years. You've not been faithful to him, nor does he know the full truth of your marriage at this point.

 

You can't do anything about your affair at the moment, given where things are at.

 

So you're being given suggestions on resolving the only relationship you CAN do anything about...either end it, or fix it.

 

Think about the advice in that post without 'reacting' to it...see the value?

[White Flower]

I actually thought lkjh was pretty tame in this post except for his very last statement. If it weren't for that, I was going to pat him on the back. (See previous threads ).

 

Other than that just take what you need and ignore what you don't. And explaining the moral reason why always worked better with kids than just scolding them. They always walked away with a lesson learned and didn't have to try and tune out the yelling.

[jwi71]

You know OP...you have been asked at least twice why didn't you D your H?

 

At one point, you say it was the right thing to do since you no longer loved him. Fair enough and a perfectly VALID reason.

 

So why NOT NOW? What changed? Why was D acceptable then but then, suddenly, no longer an option for you?

[Chrome Barracuda]

The reason she doesn't want to divorce her husband is because she wants him as a backup in case the OM doesn't work out. She has serious issues. He should divorce her because women like that are an embarrassment to marriage and to men who are good anyway's. Let another woman do what you can't. and let her be faithful to him. Or you dont want to be alone and want to have something set up where you can softly fall back on while you leave.

 

God if I was him I'd divorce you.

 

Alll through out your post you focused soley on the OM and not one word about your husband.

 

...sad.

[Mr. Lucky]

I said my husband had NOTHING to do with my affair.

But what do you think life has been like for him the last 5 years while you've been going through "ups and downs" so dramatic that "I am surprised I haven't killed myself yet" over your OM? Isn't it at least possible that some of that emotional energy could have been better invested in him and your marriage?

 

What some posters are trying to get you to see in their own gentle way is that the choices you've made for yourself haven't been made in a vacuum. They've been made at your H's expense. So while you're trying to figure out how to be "happy", what happens to him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[tami-chan]

DR...stop for a minute...go back and re-read what IJKH said.

 

You weren't called any names. You weren't scolded. You weren't attacked.

 

What you WERE given was some very point blank, no nonsense advice.

 

The below is ADVICE? C'mon let's not make excuses for our 'friends". Call a spade, a spade. I am sure Ikjh wouldn't care.

 

I think she is re-writing history. She is making excuses for what she has done. If she was unhappy she could divorce, being unhappy is not a reason to cheat and put your SO mental and physical health at risk. Saying she was unhappy is her way of justifying this. She at one point says she was ready to do the right thing and leave her H for the OM, these are the words of a selfish person who believes the right thing to do is what makes them happy.

Now, this (below) is advice:

 

rescue your H and divorce him. Free him from the wife that has been cheating on him for 4 years of there 14 year marriage. Don't lie to him and try an blame all the problems on him. Be a big girl and accept responsibility. If you were unhappy you could have done a lot of things. You could have talked to your H, MC, talk to friends, talk to family, pick up hobbies, working out and the list goes on. You chose the worst and cruelest thing

[lkjh]

This is in response to poster "lkjh".

 

I am not a kid and don't need to be scolded. I guess I came to the wrong message board, maybe this isn't a "support" forum for OW/OM or a place where you can safely and freely post a personal matter. I am not looking for pats on the back either, but I also didn't come here to be lashed out at. This is why I was SCARED to post!!! I am in a situation that's hard to deal with as it is, and telling me I am making up excuses, or that I am selfish isn't making my situation any better.

 

It's like a kid who does something wrong and then you just yell the crap out of them even more instead of trying to understand what they did wrong. If you don't have anything nice to say, or be at least a LITTLE understanding, then don't say anything at all.

 

And also, before you comment on people's threads read it MORE carefully. I said my husband had NOTHING to do with my affair. It was ME. You said in your reply that I blamed him. Please get your facts straight before you say something!

 

Also, in my first thread I didn't elaborate on many things because I already wrote a mouthful and I didn't wanna make my thread a mile long. Just curious, are you an OW/OM??? When you are in an affair this isn't something you discuss with your friends. Second, I did seek counseling, but after hundreds of $$$ I couldn't afford it anymore. Blame me for that too, that it's all just excuses! I do have hobbies, I do workout...is there anything else you wanna rip into??? Jesus Christ!!!

 

I do appreciate all the other posters what they had to say, but at this point I feel like this isn't gonna help me if I'll be called all sorts of things here.

 

You are kidding right? I called you a cheater and I am sorry but its not slander if its true. Second, I never said you blamed your H for the affair. I said when you divorce be honest and don't blame him. Third you have been cheating for 5 out 14 years of marriage....1 year emotionally and 4 physically. How can you honestly say you have been working on your marriage while cheating. Fourth, you are making excuses by claiming it must have happened because you weren't happy. Is your H some disposable person and only matters as long as YOU are happy. What sort of support should be given to someone who has been cheating for 36% of their marriage.

 

Do the right thing and be honest with your H. I know you won't because doing the right thing is hard and people who cheat take the easy way out

[lkjh]

Tami, you don't have to like my advice but it still is. Both of those things are from the same post, you can't pick out what you like and don't like

[tami-chan]

Tami, you don't have to like my advice but it still is. Both of those things are from the same post, you can't pick out what you like and don't like

 

I acknowledged the advice...did you not see? It was good advice. I can certainly pick out what I don't or do like. It's just the 'net. What a silly notion to say I am not free to pick what i like or not.

[Athena]

I didn't think the fight that evolved from this would be bad enough to shut me out completely but he did just that. He disconnected his cell phone so that I can't call him, yet he didn't even say it's over. I know there is no closure in affairs, it's not like real relationships.

 

(...)It hurts being rejected like this, it hurts that he now made me feel like I don't even exist, how without any explanation I have no closure now and I am scared that I will break NC or he will and it will suck me right back in.

 

Hi Dogrescuer, I think your MM broke it off just like that with NO talk about it, because of your pattern of 'begging' him to take you back... he probably feels vulnerable to your pleas, and thinks it would be 'easier' on HIM if he just ignores you! While this is cruel on your feelings, and especially given the 5 year history of your relationship, and his knowing how much you love him, I think at the end of the day he really only cares about HIMSELF.

 

This self-concern was evident right from the beginning when he lied about his being single, for no real reason other than it was Easier for himself to do so... you no doubt, were upfront with him and told him you were a married woman, right?

But, he wanted what he wanted -- an affair, on his terms, and honesty was left out of what he gave you.

Not too much of a surprise there, since apparently he loves and wants to be with his W and will never leave her... but still sees fit to cheat on her. So, he cannot change his spots now, can he? He is who he is.

 

You need to stop making him out to be the perfect partner for you -- he isn't, as evidenced by his selfishness in beginning and ending his relationship with you, and how he treats the woman (wife) whom he proclaimed to love, honor, and cherish... you will get treated NO better than that.

 

You need to stop hoping and wishing for him. Now, as the other posters have advised -- start righting this mess you have created -- come clean with your husband for a start.

At least it will get your mind off moping for a man who doesn't deserve any more of your time and attention...and it will get you on the right track to sorting out your own issues in your life, instead of ignoring them.