new here and in need of support

[justdesserts]

Hi. I had viewed this site several times a few months ago. At that time I was newly in a relationship with a mm and knew that the odds of him leaving his wife for me were not in my favour and was searching for some information on other's experiences with this. I didn't have to wait long. Not much more than 3 months after first meeting, mm left w and moved in with me. I know, I know, I know. You idiot! But of course, we were different. We are both in mid-life, both level headed, professional people and we knew what we were doing. blah blah blah. Intense love, intense joy, amazing vacation, and then after little more than 3 months of living together, he left me. Yesterday. No face to face, no, I got an email at work saying he had packed his things and would not be back. No warning, unless you call a conflict that started Sun night and didn't get properly resolved a warning that he was leaving. I absolutely know that I am reaping what I have sown. I absolutely knew the risk I was taking. I absolutely know all of the "head stuff". But I am not so good at dealing with the "heart stuff". It is broken. In a million little pieces. I need to hear some supportive comments. Please don't bash me. I can do that on my own. Thanks

[stampdaddy]

Hi. I had viewed this site several times a few months ago. At that time I was newly in a relationship with a mm and knew that the odds of him leaving his wife for me were not in my favour and was searching for some information on other's experiences with this. I didn't have to wait long. Not much more than 3 months after first meeting, mm left w and moved in with me. I know, I know, I know. You idiot! But of course, we were different. We are both in mid-life, both level headed, professional people and we knew what we were doing. blah blah blah. Intense love, intense joy, amazing vacation, and then after little more than 3 months of living together, he left me. Yesterday. No face to face, no, I got an email at work saying he had packed his things and would not be back. No warning, unless you call a conflict that started Sun night and didn't get properly resolved a warning that he was leaving. I absolutely know that I am reaping what I have sown. I absolutely knew the risk I was taking. I absolutely know all of the "head stuff". But I am not so good at dealing with the "heart stuff". It is broken. In a million little pieces. I need to hear some supportive comments. Please don't bash me. I can do that on my own. Thanks

 

where did he go??

[justdesserts]

his email said "I don't have a place, will probably get a hotel room while I figure this out" My belief is that he returned to his wife and I have reason to believe she would accept him back.

[stampdaddy]

his email said "I don't have a place, will probably get a hotel room while I figure this out" My belief is that he returned to his wife and I have reason to believe she would accept him back.

 

Well, don't break out the "jump to conclusions mat" just yet (from Office Space)

 

First, I am sorry you are hurting, I know this pain too. NOT to your extreme, but close. All you can do is keep breathing and try your hardest to just be patient. Not with him so much, but with TIME. I am sure it is VERY confusing. Does he have children?

[justdesserts]

Thanks. The "I know you are hurting, I know you are in pain" is exactly the kind of support I need, so many thanks. He has two grown adult children. One is away full time and the other home on school breaks and some weekends.

[stampdaddy]

Thanks. The "I know you are hurting, I know you are in pain" is exactly the kind of support I need, so many thanks. He has two grown adult children. One is away full time and the other home on school breaks and some weekends.

 

well, if his children arent little and at home, then MAYBE he just needs time alone. He never got the "break"" some people need. You HAVE to understand this or find a way to understand that this is SO common.. It probably isnt anything personal against "you". Just give him space, keep your chin up, and keep walking down your "personal path" Believe me, I know this is ALOT easier said than done. But you have NO OTHER choice right now. Cry if you are sad, but DO NOT get wrapped up in the "why's", cause honey, HE doesnt even know that answer right now....

 

Chin up little pig!

[justdesserts]

Yes, all of your words are very wise. And very applicable to his situation. I know that I need to give myself time to get past this intense hurt and pain. I just want to work through it as quickly as I possibly can. I am crying as I write this. Thank you for your kindness.

[stampdaddy]

Yes, all of your words are very wise. And very applicable to his situation. I know that I need to give myself time to get past this intense hurt and pain. I just want to work through it as quickly as I possibly can. I am crying as I write this. Thank you for your kindness.

 

awwwwwww youre welcome. HUGS

 

now, get off this computer and get busy doing something else. You have your answer for today. Tomorrow if you need us, we will be here.

 

Now scoot!

[justdesserts]

okay...I'll try to do exactly as you say "get busy doing something else" I know that is healthy, just incredibly difficult. Thanks again

[stampdaddy]

okay...I'll try to do exactly as you say "get busy doing something else" I know that is healthy, just incredibly difficult. Thanks again

 

why are you still here?!?!? j/k

 

Have a good night

[justdesserts]

haha. You actually caused me to smile. Good work. I never even gave a thought to the fact that you could see I am still logged in but now I realize that. I might spend some time reading other's posts. Misery loves company. I do feel better. A million thanks.

[stampdaddy]

haha. You actually caused me to smile. Good work. I never even gave a thought to the fact that you could see I am still logged in but now I realize that. I might spend some time reading other's posts. Misery loves company. I do feel better. A million thanks.

 

you're STILL here??

 

I wouldnt do that if I were you.. I have found it keeps your emotions in utter turmoil by doing so.. (no offense LS). Go do something else, anything else that will help distract you and get you into your bed tonight happier...

NOW GIT!

[justdesserts]

I respect your advice. And because of that I will listen to you. I'm gone.

[stampdaddy]

are you peeking???

[justdesserts]

I am this morning but I think that's allowed. hehe. My sister came and spent the evening with me and that was incredibly helpful. I actually slept reasonably well. Now today another long day is about to unfold. I have called in sick to work (believe it or not my boss knows about my situation and supports me in taking the time) I want to work through this pain and grief as quickly as possible and I think if I take some concentrated time, I can hurry it along just a little. I know that is pie in the sky as only time will truly heal but I just need to have the hope that soon I will feel better, and I need that "soon" to be sooner than later. I think I will try to find some books on healing a broken heart. Wish me luck.

[stampdaddy]

I am this morning but I think that's allowed. hehe. My sister came and spent the evening with me and that was incredibly helpful. I actually slept reasonably well. Now today another long day is about to unfold. I have called in sick to work (believe it or not my boss knows about my situation and supports me in taking the time) I want to work through this pain and grief as quickly as possible and I think if I take some concentrated time, I can hurry it along just a little. I know that is pie in the sky as only time will truly heal but I just need to have the hope that soon I will feel better, and I need that "soon" to be sooner than later. I think I will try to find some books on healing a broken heart. Wish me luck.

 

Good luck.... Have a "good" day. You CAN do this

[Baileykeg]

So sorry to hear that you are hurting. This is a good place to share your pain. The BEST advice for right now is to keep yourself busy and try not to pick this apart. You'll have your answers in time. I know it is very, very, very hard not to get caught up in the pain. I have been there. Take baby steps. If you feel that you are starting to slip...come here....talk to everyone....then put us away and GO DO SOMETHING. You'll be amazed at how the minutes will quickly grow into hours that you haven't been pulled down by the pain. You can do it.

[whichwayisup]

There are other forums in this place and that might be fun to join in and read other threads, especially in the watercooler/rant-confession sections..Doesn't have to be just this one area of LS for you to read/post in..

 

Take care of you.

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome.

 

Healing from a break up and grieving are a process, one that has stages. Let yourself be at whatever stage you're in. It's organic. As long as you don't get back in contact with him, you'll keep progressing.

 

There's life on the other side of it. I'm 10-weeks past the end of my 13-mos relationship with a SM. There's ups and downs, but it just keeps getting better. I'm in one of the biggest up phases yet. I hardly think of my ex (compared to the dwelling phases of grief) and my life seems SO much easier without all the complications. It's going to be a great summer.

 

The sadness isn't permanent. Don't shove it down and try to bypass the process. Go through it. Be all "Brigette Jones' Diary" if you need to. Remember the scene where she's on the sofa singing All by Myself? Do what you need to move through it.

 

We're here for you.

[justdesserts]

Thank you to everyone. Feeling the support of others is healing. I have a few close friends and although they are offering their time and a listening ear, really and truly the only person whose support I find really helpful is my sister. She is the sweetest person I have ever known and she is dealing with her own relationship loss, but she is there for me, and she says it is helpful for her. After 4 years of living with her boyfriend and a very public marriage proposal in October, he informed her in Jan. that he was unhappy and 10 days later he moved out. She has since learned that there was someone else. She is getting a little stronger as time passes but because she has not embraced the "no contact" rule, she is continuing to suffer. I can't lean on her every time I need to, it would not be fair to her. But boy, can we relate.

 

I spent some time at the book store reading books on healing a broken heart, two in particular that were of interest were both about "healing your broken heart in 30 days" That was right up my ally as I am in a hurry. I didn't purchase them but did end up with a library book "how to mend your broken heart". I spent some time crying in the store, in the car and since I have returned home. I am having a hard time finding things to do to take my mind off things. I would like to walk or bike but am not comfortable doing so alone for safety reasons. In a couple of hours I will go to a class at the gym. And then, the lonely evening hours will begin. I know I will get past this. I know I will feel better. Just not today, and not tommorrow, but it will happen. Until then, I will come here when I need to, and I thank everyone for your kindness.

[Mr. Lucky]

Justdesserts (I like your screen name!), I'm curious as to what you'd like to see happen in this relationship at this point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hi there and welcome to Loveshack!

 

So sorry that you are going through such a painful time, it must be even harder that he went without warning and did not give you an explanation. It is awful when you are left wondering why.

 

Have you spoken to him since he left?

 

{{{hugs}}}

[justdesserts]

I'm home again. And what is the first thing I do. Come here. After my gym class I called a friend and asked if I could come over. Too much time alone is not good at this point. She very graciously said yes so I spent a couple hours there. She is married and hubby spent the time in another room so we could be alone. I felt awkward about taking away their time but both were very gracious.

 

It is so nice to have posts from people when I come here. And I find the asking of questions very comforting. I like to talk about it. So to Mr Lucky, I say this. Coming from my head, the answer is this. I would like to have him contact me in the very near future and express sorrow over the end of our relationship and ask me if we can work things out. My head answer would be that yes, I am interested in that but only if two things happen. That he get couselling for his "conflict resolution" issues and that he have a signed seperation agreement with his spouse. When those things have happened he may contact me and see where I am at with the idea of continuing with our relationship. My heart answer would be "yes, I love you and want to be with you". But those things are not going to happen. I believe it is truly and completely over.

 

To "heartbroken" I say thank you and yes, the "no warning" part definitely adds a lot of pain and questioning. He did say some things in his email by way of explantion. He said that he was sorry for all the pain and suffering he had caused me and that it was not meant to be this way. (the only pain and suffering he had seen was from Sun nite til Tues morning when I was working so hard to resolve the conflict and he was not able to participate in the process in a healthy and meaningful way) He said he had failed miserably in his plan to keep a smile on my face. (this was something he had said very early on that his plan was to keep a smile on my face every day for the rest of my life) I believe he was "letting me down gently" Although I don't doubt his sincerity that these things were truly a part of his decision, I believe the real reason for his decision was that he found himself in the uncomfortable place of being in a relationship with someone who believed that talking things through and reaching resolution was the only way for a relationship to be healthy. I believe that he found himself wanting to return to the comfort of his 26 year marriage to a person that he felt he had a friendship with and that they basically lived seperate lives but got along very well. They did not talk things out, there was no conflict from what I heard from him. He also had a lot of guilt about what the seperation was doing to his kids and they were giving him a hard time. He and his spouse were in regular enough contact that I know she always let him know that he was wanted back home. I do not know that he has returned to his spouse but my gut and my head tell me this is what has happened. Sorry, that got a little long winded. As I said, I like to talk about it.

 

And no, I have had no contact with him since he left and I don't expect to. I will not contact him. It would only make me feel worse when there was no response.

 

And thanks for the hugs.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is so nice to have posts from people when I come here. And I find the asking of questions very comforting. I like to talk about it. So to Mr Lucky, I say this. Coming from my head, the answer is this. I would like to have him contact me in the very near future and express sorrow over the end of our relationship and ask me if we can work things out. My head answer would be that yes, I am interested in that but only if two things happen. That he get couselling for his "conflict resolution" issues and that he have a signed seperation agreement with his spouse. When those things have happened he may contact me and see where I am at with the idea of continuing with our relationship. My heart answer would be "yes, I love you and want to be with you". But those things are not going to happen. I believe it is truly and completely over.

I'm sure it's not news to you that you're in a tough spot. Any relationship with your MM, separation agreement or not, would be subject to a number of forces outside your control. Given his abrupt exit, how would you have faith in any future commitment?

 

So who wins - head or heart?

 

Mr. Lucky

[justdesserts]

Yes, very true. I would always wonder if he could do it again. But isn't that a chance we take in any relationship? There are never any guarantees, even when there are marriage vows. As far as his abrupt exit....as painful as it is and as much as I did not have any warning, I am not surprised that this is how he handled it. He left his wife of 26 years with nothing more than about a 30 minute heads up. He was packed and waiting for her to come home from work and told her he was leaving. In less than 30 minutes he was gone. I believe this is part of his "inability to handle conflict issues" that I believe would require professional counsellilng.

 

So who wins~head or heart. I don't have an answer as I don't believe it is a remote possibility. If I thought for a moment that it would happen, I might be better able to answer. But honestly (and unwisely I know) at this point, because it is so soon after and I am still in the throes of the excrutiating pain of heart break, if I had to answer, likely my heart.