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XMM and I initially ended things, 11 months ago... We tried NC but somehow had contact here and there, but mostly emotional contact. As of 1.5 months ago I FINALLY shut any change for him to EVER come back.

 

About 5 months ago, I started dating. However, I have had good guys who want to date me and somehow I sabbatoge it. So I stop dating again. About 2.5 months ago i had this man ask me out. I was no interested because I don't feel that my heart is capable of opening up for anyone at this time. Even though the guy was telling me how much he liked me, his actions said differently. This guys is single because I used to call him at all hours of the night, stop by his house and no women's clothing or hair was ever evident. No female products in the bathroom. This time I wanted to make sure.

 

The point here is that my XMM gave me more attention and time and showed more love that this 43 y/o single guy. XMM was a workaholic and yet still have more time for me than this guy.

I finally had enough of this guys. I broke up with him, he asked me to give him another chance and I did. He promised to show me how he left about me, and then he did the same. It just seems like I have to play games to get guys. Thing is that I don't have time for games. The roller coaster of being with XMM was a rough one and I don't feel like I should have that with any single guy.

 

The problem here is that I am not sure if I am feeling down because, not being aware of it, i may still love XMM and have no room for anyone. Or if to get a guy I have to play these silly hard to get games in order to get a guy. I just thought that being involved with XMM would be the hardest thing is my life, but this dating thing is so much harder and depressing. Now I feel alone more than when I was with XMM. Why is that?

 

(going back to XMM is NOT an option for my self esteem, which kept me trapped and single for over 2 years)

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You just need some time alone to decide what you want and what you don't want in a mate.

 

Maybe take a 6 month break from dating for romantic reasons? And try not to compare new mates to MM, as they are likely to not have his baggage.

 

But I bet you are feeling much better since starting complete NC with xMM.

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thanks... NC with XMM has been great... I don't feel trapped and I can go where I want when I want.

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White Flower
XMM and I initially ended things, 11 months ago... We tried NC but somehow had contact here and there, but mostly emotional contact. As of 1.5 months ago I FINALLY shut any change for him to EVER come back.

 

About 5 months ago, I started dating. However, I have had good guys who want to date me and somehow I sabbatoge it. So I stop dating again. About 2.5 months ago i had this man ask me out. I was no interested because I don't feel that my heart is capable of opening up for anyone at this time. Even though the guy was telling me how much he liked me, his actions said differently. This guys is single because I used to call him at all hours of the night, stop by his house and no women's clothing or hair was ever evident. No female products in the bathroom. This time I wanted to make sure.

 

The point here is that my XMM gave me more attention and time and showed more love that this 43 y/o single guy. XMM was a workaholic and yet still have more time for me than this guy.

I finally had enough of this guys. I broke up with him, he asked me to give him another chance and I did. He promised to show me how he left about me, and then he did the same. It just seems like I have to play games to get guys. Thing is that I don't have time for games. The roller coaster of being with XMM was a rough one and I don't feel like I should have that with any single guy.

 

The problem here is that I am not sure if I am feeling down because, not being aware of it, i may still love XMM and have no room for anyone. Or if to get a guy I have to play these silly hard to get games in order to get a guy. I just thought that being involved with XMM would be the hardest thing is my life, but this dating thing is so much harder and depressing. Now I feel alone more than when I was with XMM. Why is that?

 

(going back to XMM is NOT an option for my self esteem, which kept me trapped and single for over 2 years)

I'm right with you. It is so hard meeting someone new when your heart and head is all wrapped up in what you thought was the best thing you ever had.

 

The thing about married men is they know how to give you the 'quaility time' attention you need (because you certainly won't get quantity) whereas most SGs don't have a clue. They may be sincere in their love for you but they don't always know how to show it. Such a paradox!

 

I had a very similar sitch after ending it with MM. The new single guy IMed and called often, but would disappear for a while making me think he just wasn't that in to me. So, I told him so and said goodbye. He was hurt but didn't know what to do in order to convince me that he WAS in to me. He emailed me back saying he was and to allow him the chance to prove it but he did nothing after that. Nada. MM would have never given up. I hope SGs are reading this if they want to make a difference.

 

All I can say is give it some time. I know, harder to do than to say and I'm right there with you.

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MizzBlue72

I agree. You may FEEL like you are ready to go out and start again - but it appears by what you have written that you need more time. That's OK. Take the time to find you - and what YOU really want and need.

 

You may need a little more time to get over the XMM thing. It's easier to work it out when you are not in a relationship than to start a new relationship and try to reconcile your head and your heart. It didn't work for well for me - at all.

 

Good luck.

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White Flower
I agree. You may FEEL like you are ready to go out and start again - but it appears by what you have written that you need more time. That's OK. Take the time to find you - and what YOU really want and need.

 

You may need a little more time to get over the XMM thing. It's easier to work it out when you are not in a relationship than to start a new relationship and try to reconcile your head and your heart. It didn't work for well for me - at all.

 

Good luck.

Hey MB, how long ago did you split with exMM? I take it you still haven't found someone new?

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The thing about married men is they know how to give you the 'quaility time' attention you need (because you certainly won't get quantity) whereas most SGs don't have a clue.

 

I had a very similar sitch after ending it with MM. The new single guy IMed and called often, but would disappear for a while making me think he just wasn't that in to me. So, I told him so and said goodbye. He was hurt but didn't know what to do in order to convince me that he WAS in to me. He emailed me back saying he was and to allow him the chance to prove it but he did nothing after that. Nada. MM would have never given up. I hope SGs are reading this if they want to make a difference.

 

Dating this SG I felt like maybe he had a GF or something. He was all about texting. Background he is 2X divorced.

My XMM, i think I mentioned, was a workaholic. Yet we spoke on the phone about 1 hour a day. We were together 2 hrs 5X a week left like forever. He jammed packed so much. It was not just sex. We had deep conversations. He was great at giving advice that benefitted me. I truly felt love. Which SG never gave me a hint of. Weird.

 

Will time make this go away? or did I spend too much time with MM that I know feel like I need to have an emotional connection? Some friends tell me to play the game. Others telling me that I moved too fast.

SG told me that if I wanted a boyfriend to spent time with me I needed to get a guy without a job. Mind you, in his free time SG hung out with his friends and I got, maybe, 3-4 hours a week face to face every other week.

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This is something that I will never know. Me003 you try to take time for yourself, but the opposite sex keeps tempting you for casual relationships. I imagine this is the case for many women. How can you take another 6 mths when the guys keep comin? Will you have to limit your exposure to places that people have acces to you to ask you out? I wish I had that kind of attention right about now.

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Me--3 - this SG just wasnt the right guy. If hes seeing you every other week then s the book says, hes just not that interested in you - otherwise he wouldnt be hanging out with his friends all the time instead of you.

 

Not to mention the fact that if hes saying nasty things like if you sound like you need a guy who doesnt have a job... then hes wasnt a good match for you, or for anyone for that matter. Noone should be treated like that.

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This is something that I will never know. Me003 you try to take time for yourself, but the opposite sex keeps tempting you for casual relationships. I imagine this is the case for many women. How can you take another 6 mths when the guys keep comin? Will you have to limit your exposure to places that people have acces to you to ask you out? I wish I had that kind of attention right about now.

 

I have the attention but from all the wrong guys. Seems like most just want sex and nothing else. Not the kind of relationship A single mother in her 30's wants.

 

The places I go to are supermarkets, playgrounds, movies, Barnes and Noble, mall. Not sure where I could go to find a non-casual relationship.

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Do you flirt with guys at all these locations, or do you wait for them to initiate with you? Are you aggressive at all?

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My XMM, i think I mentioned, was a workaholic. Yet we spoke on the phone about 1 hour a day. We were together 2 hrs 5X a week left like forever. He jammed packed so much. It was not just sex. We had deep conversations. He was great at giving advice that benefitted me. I truly felt love. Which SG never gave me a hint of. Weird.

 

I think all OW will think this is rather a lot for a MM, 3 hours a day, how the hell did he hold down a job or a wife.

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New relationships take time to build. You're not going to find any guy who spends 5 days a week with you unless you've been seeing each other for a long time. Dating is just...dating. Seeing each other now and then as you get to know each other, gradually developing trust, seeing each other more often, until you eventually want to be exclusive. That's when you start seeing each other much more frequently.

 

This 43 year old does not sound like a winner, though. That's ok. That's what dating is for - to help you weed out the bad from the good. You may date a lot of losers, but you only need 1 winner.

 

Give it time. Date to have fun and enjoy the the activities and getting to know the person. Cut them loose if you're not having fun.

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White Flower
Dating this SG I felt like maybe he had a GF or something. He was all about texting. Background he is 2X divorced.

My XMM, i think I mentioned, was a workaholic. Yet we spoke on the phone about 1 hour a day. We were together 2 hrs 5X a week left like forever. He jammed packed so much. It was not just sex. We had deep conversations. He was great at giving advice that benefitted me. I truly felt love. Which SG never gave me a hint of. Weird.

 

Will time make this go away? or did I spend too much time with MM that I now feel like I need to have an emotional connection? Some friends tell me to play the game. Others telling me that I moved too fast.

SG told me that if I wanted a boyfriend to spent time with me I needed to get a guy without a job. Mind you, in his free time SG hung out with his friends and I got, maybe, 3-4 hours a week face to face every other week.

To address the first bolded part: I have come to believe that MM not only know how to make his OW FEEL loved but perhaps even knows how to make her feel cherished. Isn't cherishing somehow more special than just love? When being cherished we feel so lifted up, so much so that we can feel we can do anything. He knows how he failed at this during his M, and won't make that mistake again with his OW. Surely it is misplaced, but the OW benefits from it at least for the time they're together during the A.

 

To the second bolded part: I do think time will make it go away. You will always think about the love you shared with exMM but deep down you will wonder if the love would have been the same if he would have left the M for you. It will be a romanticized memory if you cut out all the harsh possibilities of 'what if'.

 

This SG was a jerk! Of course you don't need a guy who doesn't have a job; this one simply didn't want to give you enough time. You will find someone who is worthy of you who will. I haven't yet found someone new, but I have faith that I will.

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My XMM, i think I mentioned, was a workaholic. Yet we spoke on the phone about 1 hour a day. We were together 2 hrs 5X a week left like forever. He jammed packed so much. It was not just sex. We had deep conversations. He was great at giving advice that benefitted me. I truly felt love. Which SG never gave me a hint of. Weird.

 

I think all OW will think this is rather a lot for a MM, 3 hours a day, how the hell did he hold down a job or a wife.

 

He arrived at work anywhere from 5:30 - 6:30 and left work the earliest 5:30 and as late at 11:30 PM. Maybe that is why he spend so much time at work, trying to catch up.

 

I sometimes wondered if he even had a wife. He would work Saturdays and Sundays sometimes. He never mentioned her nor did his phone ever ring at work or when we were together when we went out of town.

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White Flower
He arrived at work anywhere from 5:30 - 6:30 and left work the earliest 5:30 and as late at 11:30 PM. Maybe that is why he spend so much time at work, trying to catch up.

 

I sometimes wondered if he even had a wife. He would work Saturdays and Sundays sometimes. He never mentioned her nor did his phone ever ring at work or when we were together when we went out of town.

Wow, this is so interesting. Maybe he DIDN'T have a W at all! Could it be he is so good at the Player Game that he lies to many at once about being M so he can juggle it all so perfectly? An interesting idea to say the least.
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Do you flirt with guys at all these locations, or do you wait for them to initiate with you? Are you aggressive at all?

 

Not aggressive at all, matter of fact when I met SG i was wearing a sweater down to my butt and long shorts. I don't talk to anyone unless they know someone I know in the group. I will smile but then turn around if I don't know them.

 

I'm not hot or a supermodel or sexy or beautiful. I have a face that looks like I am a nice person. Maybe its my friendly looking face.

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Wow, this is so interesting. Maybe he DIDN'T have a W at all! Could it be he is so good at the Player Game that he lies to many at once about being M so he can juggle it all so perfectly? An interesting idea to say the least.

 

He has one... I saw her once from far when they were bringing him a change of clothes.

 

Maybe W was also so greatful for the quality time he was spending with her, not sure. He would even go grocery shopping, oil changes, walk the dogs by himself and this is when he would call me.

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White Flower
He has one... I saw her once from far when they were bringing him a change of clothes.

 

Maybe W was also so greatful for the quality time he was spending with her, not sure. He would even go grocery shopping, oil changes, walk the dogs by himself and this is when he would call me.

These are the stolen moments, aren't they. It gives a whole new meaning to 'running errands.'

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Unless he is in an arranged marriage, a MM is usually with who he wants to be with. I was an OW when I was in my 20's. I'm now 48 and married for 13 1/2 years and my husband cheated.

 

I looked at it from both sides. Fortunately, I did not want to spend a life with the MM I knew so I was not interested in investing myself in him that way. Even so, the MM threw themselves at me offering to leave their spouse, professing their love, etc.. I never took them up on it because I wasn't interested in that, however I wonder what the MM would have done had I taken them up on the offer?

 

As best as I can determine, I think these guys want to feel important and men sometimes find this importance when they are sexual with a woman.

 

The MM can be whoever he imagines he wants to be in an affair. He can be on his best behavior carrying out the role of the 'lover', the confidante, the loyal, feeling attentive man. The man he sees in the movies. The man who is intense, focused, romantic and plays this role out with an OP with a smooth proficiency. Why? How is this possible? This is possible because he already has someone in his life who he does his real living with and this part of his life is for his fantasy of himself.

 

Think about it. If the MM did what he was doing with you with his wife, do you really think they'd be having any problems? Hell no. They'd be in seventh heaven, wouldn't they? Could you imagine the lover dedicating his full focus to his wife in this way and being able to do this 24/7? It would be exhausting and he wouldn't be able to show his frailties or his imperfections. With the OP he is the lover and the one who is to be adored. He shows only his good hand and perhaps one that doesn't really exist in his real life in a real relationship. I believe this is why some OW aren't interested in single guys. A single guy isn't playing out a fantasy. He is being whatever he is to himself and usually won't (unless he is a player) get entangled with a woman time wise or emotionally. They are dating... interviewing... figuring out... they have freedom. A MM isn't looking for another wife, he may only be looking for a playmate who wants to participate in 'make believe'. Hence, why so few actually leave the wife for the OW. They may actually feel what they are saying they feel, however they 'don't really mean it' because when push comes to shove they stay home. Because, a break from their reality doesn't constitute a life.

 

A real single guy is going to be more like... here I am... figuring out if you are for him... if you are a woman he wants to live a life with.

 

A married guy is going to be more like... here I am... I want to pretend we are star crossed lovers do you want to play make believe?.... because he already has a woman he is living a life with.

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