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Recently found out she's engaged !!!!!


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I need some feed back. A little over a year ago, a friend introduced me to a beautiful lady. I was told that she was in the "middle" of a break up with her soon to be ex-boyfriend. Knowing this info, I was very easy going. I invited her to dinner a few times and we had some greeat conversations. Nothing more ! We hit it off right away, and everytime we spent together, I found myself liking her more and more. Talking about her break up was a delicate topic, so we didn't talk about it alot. After about 1.5 months, she said her past was her past. Things progressed and one thing lead to another and we began sleeping with each other. This woman was amazing. Every second we were together seemed perfect, better than perfect. The love making was more passionate than ever before. Because our work schedules were very busy, we would text each other all the time, send each other little messages, etc. That was a year ago. Now the bomb shell. A month ago, she informed me that she was still with here ex. She didn't say it that way, but after detailed questioning, I found out that she never really left him. In fact, she was living with him part time. He was a divorced guy and when ever he had his son, she would stay with me. She came right out and said that she was in "love" with me but that she didn't want to hurt him. She then went on to say she knew what she was doig was wrong, but there was something about our relationship that was "magical". Short of the story, I broke it off. I told her I cared about her, but that we could no longer be lovers. She asked that we still be friends. I agreed, because I really did care about her. I really, really cared about her! Thing were going along, but the tensions broke us down and we began making love again. This cycle has been going on. We agree to be friends, or even not see each other at all, but 3 weeks at tops go buy, and one of us breaks down and we wind up spending a weekend together, making wild passionate love and having a great time. To be honest, I've never been with a woman like this before. She is elegant, present herself very well, is liked in all circles, is a sweetheart, etc. She seems perfect, and all our friends think she is perfect. They even ask when we are going to get married. No one has a clue she is living this double life. I wish I could cold turkey break this off, but she is amazing. If it weren't for her secret, she would be perfect. We even love cooking together, traveling, everything !!! Now, we even get to talk about her other relationship. Normally I'd want to throw up, but I seem to care so much about her, I want her to be happy. Don't get me wrong, she are both very self sufficient, so she is not a leach on me. In fact, I think she buys me more gifts, than I buy her.

Objectively, I feel like an idiot, but when I look at everything, I realize how much I enjoy our time together. I don't know how she does it. I travel a fair deal for work and still need to find time to be with her. She also works a ton, and still find time to be with both of us. Sometimes, when we are talking about life, etc., she will have a moment of breakdown and say something like " I wish I would have met you first..." or " I don't think I could live without your friendship."

What are your thoughts?

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What strikes me most is how she seems to have all the power.

 

It's not a good precedent that she lied to you about her relationship and you continued on with her anyways. But you can still change it if you want. She has no motivation to change it for herself, but she might if it means losing you.

 

What do you want? Are you okay with being an OM (other man) or not?

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White Flower

I don't know why it is so hard for her. She is bound by no contract with the boyfriend and has no children with him so she is free to leave. My guess is she NEEDS two men in her life and is excited by it. Can you live with that? Are you getting enough or all of your needs met in this kind of R?

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I believe you are right. She really gets a thrill of the forbideness. I believe that is why the love making is so passionate. I will have to admit, that is it the best sex I have ever had. I'm in my mid 30's and never thought I would do this. At first, when I found out about everything, I though I could look at it as just a fly by night relationship, but I couldn't because of my feelings for her. I also believe I'm a sucker for everything that she does for me. She bends over backward to make me happy. She even stops buy during the week just to cook and have dinner with me. So, yes, it's not all about the sex. We have both tried to end the madness, but somehow, one of us breaks down and we start things again.

I've been going over this and over this in my head. I even met her fiance. They are way beyond an odd couple. She is a beautiful, elegant, sophisticated woman who is a great communicator with other people and he comes across as a more over the hill child that acts like a dork. He's 46 and still plays hooky from work to go surfing. She complains about him being cheap, and insensitive. The only reason she can give me for staying with him is that " he would die " if she left him. She has also mentioned that he is always hassling her for sex. She says it makes him "like a child".

Maybe he is just to predictible for her?

Here is another thing that makes it confusing. A good number of her friends know about me as well as many of her clients. She has some clients that she has been working for for years and they all know about me. She has even taken me to show me off to some of her friends and client/friends. We've been to several parties together and even a wedding. It was great to meet her friends. I got along with all of them. I've even talked with some of her friends after they call me to tell me she should leave her guy and be with me. It's very weird. I was speaking with her the other day in her office, when one of her clients was there. She put me on speaker phone and the lady began talking about all the wonderful things she's heard about me and she went on to say she has no idea what my girl is doing with her present guy. " He's a loser... she should be with you." is what I was told.

One other thing I keep thinking about... I'm rather successful and well off. I own my own consulting firm and make my own schedule, which is not 9-5, so it makes it easier to get away for the weekends. But, she has the same means of doing this, she is rather successful herself. In fact, she has even turned down a few gifts that I have tried to suprise her with, saying I can't spend that kind of money on her. In return, I do the same thing when needed.

I sometimes wonder if this sharing with her friends is part of the risk that she seeks for excitment. I also sometimes think about who is the power keeper in the relationship. On the few occasions I tried to end it, she was the one who couldn't stop calling me, leaving messages of how much she missed me. She came close to begging, but never did things restart this way. Things fire back up, when we meet each other by chance. We share a few mutual clients and friends. Everone says we are the perfect couple, but my morals are starting to feel beat up.

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I don't know how to say this nicely so I am just going to say it.....she does not love you. If she wanted she could break it off with her fiance and marry you but shes not doing that. She may be trying to get rid of you now, I have told girls in the past that I have gf just to get away from them. Now the only thing you can do is the right thing but the right thing is always hard.............tell her fiance whats been going on. If they really are engaged don't let this poor guy marry her.

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I believe you are right. I think she and I have different ideas of love. I beleive her love is more tied to fun and excitement. (to a degree) Mine is a little more traditional. I don't think she's trying to get rid of me, because she is usually the one that calls me at midnight telling me she misses me and wants to know if I will be up for a little longer. If I say yes, she is at my door within 20 minutes. And it's not always for sex. Sometimes, she just comes over and falls asleep with me. Strange ! Yes!

Sometimes she just comes over and we sit together on the beach, drinking a glass of wine and talking about everything. We've talked for hours on the beach. So that is what makes it tough to figure out. There are a ton of signs, but they all lead in different directions.

Right now, she is in South America visiting her family. She's emailed me a ton of pictures and called everynight to say goodnight.

I've even talked to one of my life long female friends about her. Even she can't figure her out. She says it just doesn't make sense. Yes, she could leave him in a New York second, but she chooses not to. In the same regard she seems to seek me out for fun. But it's not all just fun. She seems to enjoy our lengthy conversations regarding life, etc.

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White Flower

Sorry if I missed this, but did you say her new fiancé knows about you?

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He doesn't know about me. I met him. I was with one of her friends and she needed to stop by my girls house. We can call my girl Teri. When we pulled up, her fiance was there. I was introduced as a friend of the woman I was with, which was a friend of Teri. Her fiance felt the need to act like an alpha male and come out to the car and meet "the new friend". Me. He came across as a real tool. Like we were two 16 years olds going to the movies. Later, when I talked to Teri about it, she said he is that way all the time. He acts like a child trying to be a man, and he is always sticking his nose into other peoples business. Why he felt the need to come outside and meet me, if I were the other womans friend is beside me. Teri said he needs to feel like the big man, in situations like that. Like he was checking me out to see if it was alright with teris friend to be out with me.

An additional peice of info I forgot to mention is that his first wife left him by cheating on him with his best friend. It took him by suprise, so Teri has mentioned that she feels if she leaves him, he would die. Weak excuse. I know. This is the most screwed up thing I have ever been involved in. And if so, why is the time spent with her so great ?!

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I think there is a very good likeliehood she has a personality disorder. She lies so easily. Research them and run like hell.

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White Flower
I know. This is the most screwed up thing I have ever been involved in. And if so, why is the time spent with her so great ?!

I am guessing she is very charismatic, warm, funny, intelligent, and wonderful. She is charming, in a word. I think you are drawn to a magical like quality in her the way I was with MM. I didn't want to let that magic man go. I'm sure this is tough on you. But the sooner you get out the better. The longer that magic spell is on you the harder it is to walk away.

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I have been thinging about that angle as well. I was a psych. major in college, but I can't seem to nail down what catagory she would fit into. She may have some underlying issues that makes her seek control. As if she is controlling and orchestrating the forbidden events. But on the other hand, she acts normal and inter acts normal with eveyone. Keep in mind, I've known her over a year now. I've met mand of her friends and client, etc. There just doesn't seem to be any other factors that are showing up. She's smart, personable, well liked by those who know her and those who meet her. She is a bit of a chameleon, as she adapts to situations very well. That is one of the elements that allows her to get along with people so well. She carried herself very well. Believe it or not, she reminds me of Princess Diana with her elegance. If I didn't know what she was doing, I wouldn't believe it in a million years.

Not to add to the fire, but here is another angle. She has a daughter. Age 20. They don't get along as well as she would like. The topic of her daughter is the only topic that can bring her to tears. We talk a lot about her daughter. Her fiance and her daughter do not get along, and the finace has screwed up royally. I don't believe the daughter will ever respect the guy. Teri has told me on a few occasions, that she really appreciates my discussions about her daughter because I am the only male who she can speak with regarding the matter, as her fiance doesn't want to hear about it, or he takes a poor attitude. I believe she has distorted views of what a real relationship is. It may be that she feel security with her fiance because he has asked her to marry him, but yet, she fails to realize that security is not everything in a relationship.

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White Flower

Interesting how she is getting her security from him and real comfort from you. Most women see those two qualities mutually inclusive.

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I have been thinging about that angle as well. I was a psych. major in college, but I can't seem to nail down what catagory she would fit into.

 

What does it say in your psych book about you? What category do guys who are ok with being deceived and used fit into?

 

She lied to you about her other boyfriend, and you're sucking it up. She's now engaged to him, and you're still sucking it up. Why?

 

Stop trying to figure her out and look within yourself to figure out why you're willing to accept being used by this woman for her own purposes.

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Maybe I am tainted. Maybe I'm looking at the situation with the wrong glasses. Prior to Teri, I almost got involved in a situation that was bad. I met a woman who was rather forward. We got a long great, but never were able to find the time to spend one on one time. Everytime she wanted to get together, I was either busy or out of town. One month into knowing this woman, I was introduced to her husband at a party. The I was introduced to her at the party. She was beyond embarassed! 3-4 days later I saw her and she acted like nothing had happened and went on to reinvite me to get together one evening for dinner. I cut it off strong right there. I was suprised, but not shocked. It gave me a feeling of " Wow, women cheat just like men!" I think when Teri came along and I had found out too late about everything, I felt I had spent my moral resistance coin, I just gave up and went with it. I know... big mistake.

I've even told her that I want to find someone to share my life with and when I do, she and I will no lnger be able to talk. She acts suprised. "Not even to just say hello and see how life is ... on the telephone?"

I have expressed how I feel a real relationship is to go and it doesn't include a lover. Or "amante" as she says it in spanish. I really wish I could learn to dislike her or plant the seeds of hate, put she's so pleasant to be around and it's so enjoyable to spend time with her. As an example, we can be talking on the phone and she will say something like " Where are you ?" I'll say at home and 2 minutes later she's at my door " I was just passing by and wanted to give you a kiss." she gives me a peck and says "Good night my sweetheart" and then heads home.

Am I playing the fools role too well ? In the same regard, I have called her in the morning and said I need to see you before work. 20 minutes later, there she is at my door. So I'm not the only puppy in this relationship.

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I have a theory that abusive people have to work double time at winning you over, to compensate for their personality defects.

 

It's also true that a married or otherwise involved person has to overcompensate to convince a partner to date them.

 

So I'm not surprised that she works very hard to captivate you.

 

FWIW, I dated a man for 13 months. He was married (later separated) but married, and that's how I found my way here. Like you, we had all that powerful mojo. He was constantly lavishing me with love, praise, affection. We were compatible on many levels.

 

However, the story started taking a turn. He gradually started having angry outbursts that really smacked of a personality disorder. Crazy projective rages out of nowhere. I came to think that he might have NPD, Narcissitic Personality Disorder.

 

Look it up, and you'll read about the extra charming personalities. How great they make you feel when they place you on a pedestal. Yet they have to do a lot of strange manipulations to maintain their sense of self. They're KNOWN for getting off on games/lies/conspiracies. It's considered untreatable, largely because they do NOT think they have a problem.

 

Ultimately, the cycles of bad behaviors overshadowed the good times. The outbursts excalated to 1x month, while the rest of our time together was fantastic, yet there's no such thing as a little bit of abuse. Yanno? I had to break up (9 weeks ago, and while it was hard, I'm doing great now!)

 

Something does indeed sound off, like she might have NPD. But you don't need a diagnosis to make your decision. The strange behaviors are enough. Given what I know about how abusers often keep those behaviours in check for awhile, I'm not at all surprised that it's coming to a head now after a year. (Similar to my story!)

 

I think you need to at LEAST take a time out away from her to get your head clear. Really, it's probably time to break up, but at minimum, you need a break so you can get your boundaries reset.

 

I hope you'll keep posting here. Sorry you're seeing some squabbling. When I joined last summer, it wasn't like this. Sure, there was some, but mostly it was amazing. It really helped me along the way. I'd like to see you get the support you need and hope you get it.

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Yes, she could leave him in a New York second, but she chooses not to.

If you stay here long enough, you'll understand the degree to which you're being manipulated. If her home life is as bleak as she says - sexless, unfulfilling, cold - why doesn't she leave him and be with you? Wouldn't you welcome her with open arms?

 

The truth is that she simply doesn't love you enough to do so. Every day, she's choosing the life she has with him over the life you offer. On your part, understanding this will be the first step towards putting this relationship in perspective. If you're just interested in a fling, she seems to offer good sex and companionship. Wanting any more than that will just get you hurt...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I know why... because we are bothing getting something we want out of the relationship. Unfortunately I have let it go too far and would have liked it to have taken another path.

Yes, I agree she did not speak the entire truth about her fiance. And that brings me to another point. She fails to wear the ring. I have asked her about it, and she states, she doesn't want to because he has put some contingencies on their marriage. The night of the engagment, he also requested she sign a prenuptial. It floored her. The request and the fact that he asked the very night her proposed. In return, she doesn't wear the ring and has told him to "reconsider" his idea of their marriage. To me, it sounded like a turn down, but she said she didn't say no, but for him to think about what and how he was going about everything.

I can understand that part. Nothing more romantic than throwing some legal issue into the magical night of bliss.

In review of all, no matter what happens, I am just chasing the idea of what could have been, and not what is. What is done is done, and with the events that have lead us to this point, there is little faith I can offer in trusting her if she were to leave him and want to be with me. Her moral judgement has spoken and no matter how loudly her voice speaks, I would always have a little question in the back of my head of how it came to be.

She did it to him, and she could do it to me.

So WHY does this woman have such a spell on me !!!!

Is it the fact that the best sex on earth, mixed with a beautiful woman that carries herself so well, be able to make me that stupid !

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Classic case of thinking with the wrong head :)

 

BTDT, got the damaged psyche to prove it. I would heartily suggest not wasting a lifetime on this if you're truly not satisfied. The deeper the bond, the harder it is to rid yourself of it. You don't want her to own your soul.

 

BTW, and it likely was said first here by someone else, don't believe what she tells you. It's "creative" :)

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I also think that one of the things that makes her so attractive is that she doesn't want anything. Let me explain. Because of my financial situation, when friends have tried to set me up, they preload the women with ideas. No wonder I get so many dates from my friends. On the other hand, the women I tend to meet on my own seem to want me to pay their rent, but them a car, or better yet, "Can my girlfriend barrow $ 150,000 she wants to pay her mothers house off"

So, when I met Teri, it was a breath of fresh air. It was about time together, intimacy, etc. Never once has she brought up $$.

I live in south Florida, so the caliber of people is... lets say lower than elsewhere in my opinion. I don't believe it a total lack of sociaeconomic status with the women I have met, but I do believe it is a lack cooth. Teri may be falling short on the morals scale, but she has cooth uncommon in the south Florida area.

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Citizen Erased
The night of the engagment, he also requested she sign a prenuptial. It floored her. The request and the fact that he asked the very night her proposed.

 

:laugh: Smart man, especially under these circumstances. It floored her because she probably didn't know he was smart enough. :rolleyes:

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Chrome Barracuda

Well if she's gonna be running the street ho-ing around why shouldnt she sign the prenup? Well I mean she loves him right, it aint about the money right???

 

LMAO, im glad some men got brains when it comes to marriage. Some females be trifling.

 

Speaking of which why are YOU dealing with her? Are you that P-whipped?

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