I need to end my affair, it's destroying me, why can't I do it, why???

[unhappylady]

Please can anyone help me.

 

Every fibre in my body is telling me to finish my affair with MM. It's been going on 14 months now and the longer it goes on the deeper and deeper I am falling in love with him and he with me. The pain of not seeing him and seeing him then him going home to his wife and family is killing me. I can't live like this, I want more. Why can't I break away?? Why am I so strong in all areas of my life but have turned into a pathetic needy mess.

 

Also, does anybody struggle when MM goes on holiday with family? He's only going for four nights and has put off booking it for months but has finally done it. I don't know how I will cope - It will a four day kick in the teeth reminder that I am just accepting crumbs from this man whilst his life is ticking along.

 

Please don't judge my MM. I think us getting together is impossible in the long term - there are too many obstacles, but he is adament he is going to make it happen somehow. He is desperately unhappy at home and last weekend during a monumental argument with his wife she admitted they are not in love and that their child would be happier if they were apart but for financial reasons they have to sit it out currently.

 

All that aside, I can't think about the future anymore, it's the here and now and what this is doing to both of us.

 

I have to break away as this relationship is causing me more hurt than joy - the missing and the pining and longing is eating away at me.

 

Why am I so dependant on him? What am I fearing by ending it? I love him so deeply but I love me too and know it's doing me no good.

 

He ended it last month as he thought it was the best thing for me (not what he wanted) and I felt like my heart had been ripped in two and our attempts at NC failed within hours.

 

Thoughts on holidays/breaking away please.

 

Sorry if this post is very rambling.

 

Before you all ask - I am not married myself.

[Owl]

First off...are you married or in another committed relationship?

[wildsoul]

I don't think your post rambled. Thanks for putting in good paragraph breaks.

 

Let me preface with saying that I ended my 13-month relationship 9 weeks ago. In my case, my MM had moved out (I wouldn't continue dating him otherwise) but the angst of the dynamic was the same. For the record, there IS life on the other side of the break up. Read some of my recent threads to get a glimpse into the process ahead of you.

 

Are you single or married?

 

If your "timer" is going off, pay heed. While in some ways the affair might have suited you, it doesn't sound like you really were in that with both feet. The pain of wanting more, but being unable to have it, is terrible. Staying in when the pain gets overwhelming smacks of emotional masochism.

 

It's worth questioning why you settled for this situation in the first place. Therein lie the keys to why you might be afraid to end it.

 

Is this your first affair?

[9Lives]

all I can tell you is that it is one of the hardest things you will do but You have to do it. I experienced it and it was terrible. If I was you, I would get a therapist and not try to go cold turkey. YOu will go insane. Get a support group going first for a while and then start your plan for disconnect. I would seriously do it that way. The other way just wont work ifyou are really hurting. Set up your support group now and then you will have the strength

[norajane]

His going away on holiday is a good time to start letting go. And it's a good time to eliminate all contact with him. And then continue thinking of him as being on holiday with his family every day from then on and cease contact.

 

Because, really, it doesn't matter if he's on holiday or at home - the end result is the same in that he's with his family and he's not leaving them. So it's up to you to change your perspective. Take it one day at a time, and remind yourself, yeah, he's still with his family on holiday.

[tami-chan]

First off...are you married or in another committed relationship?

 

 

ahm...I think she said this:

 

Before you all ask - I am not married myself.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Because this woman is symbolically happy with the emotional crumbs MM leaves her, she figures she's not good enough with a single man and is self destructive to herself, because that is what she chooses.

 

People need to realize they are stronger than their emotions. Stronger than their libidos.

 

We have choice, free will and self control.

 

 

...use it.

[unhappylady]

Hello again

 

Thank you for the replies.

 

Firstly, I am not married and yes this is my first (and definitely last) affair.

 

Wildsoul, I have read through your story - you are so strong, you are doing so well. It's helpful for me to gain some insight into what to expect when I end this.

 

As for therapy/support...nobody in my world knows about my situation, I am too ashamed to tell them so I cannot rely on them for support. (My MM has been in my life for over 10 years as a friend - prior to the affair, so they know him, and his wife). I am not in a position to pay for therapy.

 

So I come to Loveshack for support and am thankful for receiving it.

 

I know that reverting back to friends would not work between MM and I - we have discussed that at length and it's a no-go. Once you cross that line it's impossible to revert back.

 

I don't really know what else to say apart from I am deeply in love with this man and the thought of him not being in my life terrifies me. In a way I wish the affair was just a fling, or a sex thing - but it isn't. It's so much more.

 

Putting the future aside, it's the here and now that I am struggling with. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy and this relationship is destroying both of us. Yet....we can't seem to end it.

 

Can I just ask? Do you all agree that being friends after the affair doesn't work?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It isn't the cheating, lying, underhanded sneak that you are having trouble letting go of. It is the image of him as a 'wounded, trapped, hero in love' in your heart created out of false hope and wishful thinking. Letting go of the actual person isn't hard. It is letting go of the love you have for your perception of what you think they can be to you that is so hard.

 

Why am I so dependant on him? What am I fearing by ending it?

 

You aren't dependent on him. You are dependent on how he makes you feel during the good times. So intense that you forget the bad ones - until they happen, and you see that they are as intensely horrible as they are intensely pleasurable. What do you fear? Loneliness. The chance that you won't find anything this intense again. You fear losing hope.

 

I can tell you this, and it won't make sense for a while but consider:

 

When you lose the love of your life, you will experience the greatest freedom you can know.

 

It starts with a step: Letting go, cutting it off and going to complete NC. Then filling that void with help from a therapist, and working on filling that void with something else and then weaning yourself to a point where you don't need that crutch.

 

It won't be easy. It will take a long time. But you will come out better for it. Right now you are dying from an emotional cancer. If you take the 'chemo' it will burn through you, and make you feel like you are dying, but you will come out the other side on the way to healing, and can put it behind you.

[OpenBook]

It's so ironic, that the very same person who brings you such joy also brings you such great pain. It can seriously screw with one's sanity. I have been in your shoes. So I will try to explain what I learned from my own major disaster...

 

You think you are so in love with him. But it's not really him! You're projecting a lot of your own wishes and desires on him. He isn't the man you think he is. Your terror is not of losing him, but of forever losing that JOY you feel when you are with him. Your fears about this are unfounded and misguided!!

 

You must change your way of thinking about him. He is NOT the fountain from which all joy emanates. That joy is coming from YOU. He is not the source of it. Purging this man from your life will NOT erase all joy from your life forevermore! That's not how it works.

 

Your head is telling you one thing, but your heart is screaming a different tune. That's because your heart is operating under an illusion. Let your head take over on this one. Stop projecting your ideals onto him. It will make it easier to cut him off.

 

And cut him off you must. Completely. No exceptions. No "let's be friends" bullsh*t. No nothing!! The sooner you get away from him, the sooner you can start to heal and get on with the rest of your life. There's so much to do, so much to live for in your future... and time is of the essence. You don't have forever to "make your hay." Get going!!

[pinkpearls]

unhappylady,

i am sorry you are in such pain. i commiserate with you, as i have been in a situation similar to yours for the past 16 months and am in the throes of trying to end it as well. read, read, read and read some more--and take strength from women who have been where we are and have come out on the other side.

where you seem to be right now is where i started when i made the decision to end. you know in your head and in your gut that you are settling for less than you are worth, you know you have been deceiving yourself---and at some point your true self rises up and yells "ENOUGH!" enough taking what is offered, what is left-over, enough wasting your life away waiting and hoping for the crumbs thown from his table of bounty. this is a very very good thing, unhappylady. it shows that beneath the sadness and pain and degradation you have subjected yourself to, there is iron in you.

that being said, it is not easy. you will literally go through the withdrawal of this addiction to the way you felt with this man. i'm talking physical withdrawal, physical illness, not to even mention the emotional pain and turmoil. you will need support, and you will need to retrain yourself, retrain your thinking and behavior to learn to meet your needs in other ways that are not self-destructive.

this takes courage. and courage is not the big, strong lion that can subjugate anything to its will. courage is the still small voice, the shaky leap of faith. courage is making a conscious choice in your own best interest even if you don't really believe you deserve it or aren't too sure you are worthy of it.

unhappylady, you are choosing to make a stand for yourself, to believe in yourself, and to remove yourself from a degrading and painful situation. your head knows this, but your heart WILL fight you. it will be a hard road, but you have set your foot on the right path.

pinkpearls

 

lucrezia,

i have been a lurker here for some time and have come to recognize (and even analyze a little ) many of the frequent posters here. i have to tell you that your posts always speak to me, always hit home with me. your response to unhappylady was an "Aha! moment" for me. as the fog of my situation lifts, i find myself more open to these defining moments. i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate your eloquent, honest, cut-to-the-bone approach. you never know who you may have just saved.

pinkpearls

 

to everybody else,

is it allowable to suggest a support group forum at another website? i have found a support group specifically for people who want support in ending their affairs, and it has been a lifeline for me--but don't want to break any rules here.

pinkpearls

[wildsoul]

this takes courage. and courage is not the big, strong lion that can subjugate anything to its will. courage is the still small voice, the shaky leap of faith. courage is making a conscious choice in your own best interest even if you don't really believe you deserve it or aren't too sure you are worthy of it.

That was a very inspiring perspective on courage. Thanks for sharing it, pinkpearls!

 

Sharing another forum publicly is bad form (and probably a violation.) Those sorts of exchanges are more appropriate in PM's. Since you're new and unpaid, you don't have PM priveleges yet. I think that takes 3 months (or for you to be on paid subscription.)

 

LB and OB : Wow! Such great replies (as always.) Should be required reading for anyone ready to take the step of ending their affair.

[amaysngrace]

Hmm...well if I were in your shoes I'd go sleep with somebody else. He's doing it.

 

And if you really want to end it for good let his wife know about you. That would probably work.

[OpenBook]

LB and OB : Wow! Such great replies (as always.) Should be required reading for anyone ready to take the step of ending their affair.

 

Right back atcha, wings!

[unhappylady]

Oh my word, thank you so much for the replies.

 

I can't believe how much you understand my emotions and thought processes - but then of course you do if you are on this forum.

 

Lucrezia, yes yes yes you are so right. I am not dependent on him - it's how he makes me feel in the good times - like a high almost!. During the good times I am euphoric and ecstatic and the bad times are literally a distant memory and don't even seem that bad...until the next day when I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Every time I have a bad day I try to 'hold the feeling' to give me strength to end the relationship but the feeling dissipates the minute I see him.

 

OpenBook and PinkPearls - thank you. PinkPearls your post on courage I read over and over.

 

It's so true, I do know I am settling for less, I do know I am deceiving myself, and it is like my true self is saying enough is enough. I feel protective of me and although I am currently accepting crumbs from this man - I am not happy with it. There is iron in me, I know what is best for me and I am desperate for the battle between my heart and head to cease.

 

I think what is stopping me is knowing what's ahead, knowing that I am going to go through hell 'withdrawing' from this relationship and man. I know deep down as well that my MM knows I need to be 'set free' and in fact has unsuccessfully ended the relationship twice out of guilt for my situation. As much as he doesn't want it he will not fight the decision and won't hound me with texts or emails, he will back right off and not make things even more difficult. Knowing this doesn't help my heart but my head tells me that this is the right thing for me.

 

I wish I had a support network. I do have friends and family but can't bring myself to tell them what's been happening for over a year now. I know I will need to go cold turkey on my own - and that terrifies me. But what I am experiencing now is painful, my heart literally feels like it's tearing in two sometimes.

 

Pinkpearls may I ask at what stage you are at now, have you actually ended it?

[norajane]

Every time I have a bad day I try to 'hold the feeling' to give me strength to end the relationship but the feeling dissipates the minute I see him.

 

This is why you have to stop seeing him and cease all contact. Yes, it will be hard at first, but that will lessen over time as long as you don't keep getting another fix of euphoria to put you right back at square one all the time.

[pinkpearls]

unhappylady,

what stage am i in now? that's a tough one to answer---it sometimes changes by the minute. yes, i have ended it. i have made promises to myself that i will not settle for what i was given---and i know i won't, not because i don't want to sometimes, but because i can't anymore. i can't explain it any other way than to say that recent events in the A pushed me to the breaking point---and they truly left me broken. there is no going back for me. not to the situation as it was.

though i firmly believe it is the right and only thing to do, i have not been smart enough, strong enough to go completely NC. not yet anyway. i get the occasional text message or email that rips my guts out. it is an embarrassing and painful admission that i am my own worst enemy.

but, hope springs eternal...

[Sugarcane]

Just do it. It's for your own good! I ended it and although he still can contact me through my mobile, he hasn't tried cause I think I made it pretty clear that I needed to end this for my own good and to move on/away from him....

[norajane]

i firmly believe it is the right and only thing to do

 

You'll go NC when you firmly believe you have no other choice. When you hit rock bottom.

 

Ideally, you won't wait that long, because who really wants to hit rock bottom with their lives a shambles around them? But, make no mistake, that's all that's ahead of you...rock bottom. It's not going to get better from here unless you cut it off.

[delirious]

It's so ironic, that the very same person who brings you such joy also brings you such great pain. It can seriously screw with one's sanity. I have been in your shoes. So I will try to explain what I learned from my own major disaster...

 

You think you are so in love with him. But it's not really him! You're projecting a lot of your own wishes and desires on him. He isn't the man you think he is. Your terror is not of losing him, but of forever losing that JOY you feel when you are with him. Your fears about this are unfounded and misguided!!

 

You must change your way of thinking about him. He is NOT the fountain from which all joy emanates. That joy is coming from YOU. He is not the source of it. Purging this man from your life will NOT erase all joy from your life forevermore! That's not how it works.

 

Your head is telling you one thing, but your heart is screaming a different tune. That's because your heart is operating under an illusion. Let your head take over on this one. Stop projecting your ideals onto him. It will make it easier to cut him off.

 

And cut him off you must. Completely. No exceptions. No "let's be friends" bullsh*t. No nothing!! The sooner you get away from him, the sooner you can start to heal and get on with the rest of your life. There's so much to do, so much to live for in your future... and time is of the essence. You don't have forever to "make your hay." Get going!!

 

So are we saying here that when you are in an affair, it is not a real situation, that it is not real love? That it is basically an illusion over what we know we cannot have?? Can't accept that. It feels like love to me, it is love. I would not have put myself through this for anything less.

[Owl]

So are we saying here that when you are in an affair, it is not a real situation, that it is not real love? That it is basically an illusion over what we know we cannot have?? Can't accept that. It feels like love to me, it is love. I would not have put myself through this for anything less.

 

Think about this statement for a second.

 

You're saying that it HAS to be love, because you wouldn't do this to yourself if it wasn't.

 

Does that REALLY make sense?

 

The subject of whether or not the emotions in an affair are "real love" has been debated many times on this forum...you might do a search through some of the older posts, and find some wild reads on the concept. Very hot debates come around this.

[wildsoul]

So are we saying here that when you are in an affair, it is not a real situation, that it is not real love? That it is basically an illusion over what we know we cannot have?? Can't accept that. It feels like love to me, it is love. I would not have put myself through this for anything less.

Only you can decide for you what's "real."

 

For me, I've had to reconcile the very real feelings of love I had with the very real futility of it. Those are not mutually exclusive.

 

You can love someone that isn't good for you. It doesn't mean that you should stay in the relationship at all costs.

[Gamine]

There's no doubt that you are in love with this man and that he is the primary, consuming focus in your heart and in your life.

 

As difficult as this is, you are the only one out of the two of you 'blessed' with this all consuming focus. His personal demands emotionally, physically, and on his time with this wife and family require a huge chunk of dedicated energy even if he has disengaged somewhat from his wife. So, his experience with you in terms of his focus and the emotional tie is not the same as yours.

 

Marriages end in divorce when there are children and when there are no children. They end with or without infidelity and end by choice of the partners.

 

Over one year into your affair, your MM has not made this choice. Vacationing with his spouse indicates there is a relationship... an active one... with his spouse. I am not saying this to you to upset you, but to explain something to you that you may find useful in assisting you to let go of him.

 

I will give you some ideas for thoughts to focus on if it is your intention to let him go.

 

Imagine that the argument that transpired between your boyfriend and his wife was over her unhappiness in a lack of focus on her and the family. Look at her as a fellow woman. Imagine your pain and multiply it by ten thousand. That is her experience.

 

Imagine that he is 'in love with you' but loves her. Allow yourself to try and take this in. Imagine that they share a bed every single night together and make love whenever they want. That they wake up together, eat breakfast together and make vacation plans together. That they are sharing a life.

 

I read an article that said less than 10% of MM leave the marriage. And... of that 10% a segment of them return to their spouse even after they may have divorced.

 

If the MM was feeling with authenticity what you experience he could not remain committed to another woman. It would be impossible. Your experience is so dramatically different from his that it hardly compares as the same relationship experience.

 

You are fully engaged in your focus. He, by virtue of his life, is not capable of being fully engaged in the same focus. He has another woman in his life who is his wife. Sometimes we have to think about the person in our life separate and apart from our needs and wants to do the right thing for them... even if they don't understand it. Tough love for you. Tough love for him.

 

If he has not left on his own accord by now there is a very strong likelihood that he never will. Now, if the affair is discovered all of the unpleasantness you have been trying to avoid by the affair being 'outed' will come crashing down on your life as well as his. He may wind up in therapy over this one.

 

You may be in love with him but the question is whether you love him. If you love him you will do what is right for the both of you... before that decision is made for you and your life with him winds up being the topic of discussion. Take it from me... I am a wife... and trust me... wives always find out. If she is getting angry with marital issues you probably would not be off base in assuming there exists the possibility that she may be suspecting something at this point. So, you may need to do what you have not been able to do in order to save yourself, his dependents as well as him from a very unpleasant and possibly public situation.

[norajane]

So are we saying here that when you are in an affair, it is not a real situation, that it is not real love? That it is basically an illusion over what we know we cannot have?? Can't accept that. It feels like love to me, it is love. I would not have put myself through this for anything less.

 

No, she's saying you're in love with the person you imagine him to be. But he's not that person. Instead, he's married with a wife and family and an entire life that has zero to do with you - that's not who you are in love with. You are in love with the man who comes to you and gives you shots of euphoria every now and then.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No, she's saying you're in love with the person you imagine him to be. But he's not that person. Instead, he's married with a wife and family and an entire life that has zero to do with you - that's not who you are in love with. You are in love with the man who comes to you and gives you shots of euphoria every now and then.

 

Exactly!!!

 

She's in love with the man she thinks' he is. Women have this uncanny ability to build a man up mentally to a point where she will be in denial about his true nature meanwhile other people around her will see it. She's projecting.

 

And it's all sad because she's only doing it to herself. No one is putting a gun to her head and making her sleep with him, this is all her choice.