Need insights

[Sugarcane]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm OW for almost 3 years now. I met MM through a friend and we got along well. We live in different countries now since he relocated but continued the relationship.

 

For almost 3 years, there were hard times that we got through and good times we shared. Mostly family related matters such as his children and career. I am single, never been married.

 

For the first one and a half years, I stopped dating because I was putting myself up only for him. From here you can tell that we communicated through phone calls and instant messenger.

 

It was all good then we visited each other. The last visit, he told me to give him a year to get things sorted out. It's over a year now.

 

Before it reached the one year mark where he said he'd sort things out, I started going out more with my friends. I got a new job in the fashion line and that means I get to mingle with a lot of socialites and people from different levels/fields. I did meet a lot of new people even men that I didn't know would be interested in me!

 

At the same time, work kept me busy most of the time. Whenever I am free, I preferred to go out with friends or on a date rather than spend time online with MM because I can never really know when he will be online. He works from home so whenever his wife is out at work, he comes online to chat with me.

 

We argued recently about me neglecting him. I told him I was busy with work but he said no matter how busy he was, he always made time for me. I should have done the same. For the last 2 years, I have been doing JUST that! Even when I keep telling myself I should be out having fun but no, I stayed home to be with him.

 

It got really bad that I told him it's better for us to end it. He said if that was what I wanted then that would be it. I was actually relieved that it ended because I can finally get over him and start a new life with someone right here with me - whoever he is. I thought to myself that this is it, I can do whatever I want at whatever time. I don't have to rush home to chat with him.

 

That was when he started emailing me things like "Just so you know, my final hearing is in May and too bad you ended it before I told you the news" or "I wanted to tell you that I am going ahead with the divorce but you were too busy for me"....

 

I got sucked into it. We got back together. So a month passed and I asked him, so your final hearing is in May... he said yes but there are other things to take into consideration! Like WTF!? I let it go cause he said I am more concern about his divorce than I am about fixing the times I have neglected him.

 

Just a few days ago, he said that he is afraid that he might disappoint me.... and him and that he might not be able to give me what I deserve. He said his kids mean a lot to him and that even if he ended up alone, he can't see himself separated from his kids.

 

That got me thinking....

 

He is trying to tell me something there, isn't he?

 

Was I out of line for wanting to know what's the update with the divorce?

 

I'm sorry for this being so long but needed to get it out so you know what is going on... or what was going on.

 

Thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

Which part of "I am dangling you on a short string for my convenience" do you not see here?

Like a spoilt stupid boy he twlls you all the things he is doing, but of course now you are out of his life, you will not benefit.

So like a fish, you take the bait, and now, he has landed you...

So he will revert to old behaviour now.

You're back, you obviously want to be with him, so you will take and accept whatever little bits he wishes to give you.

he has proven this...

 

You really cannot do better than invade another woman's marriage than to occupy yourself with this person?

Are you 100% certain that he is doing as he indicated he was doing?

it doesn't sound like it....

"I let it go cause he said I am more concern about his divorce than I am about fixing the times I have neglected him."

That sounds so childish, I am astonished you are not also perhaps spoonfeeding him.

 

His worth is negligible.

Your self-worth is questionable.

They say a woman's prerogative is to change her mind.

 

That also, is a hint.

 

 

_/l\_

[GreenEyedLady]

Just a few days ago, he said that he is afraid that he might disappoint me.... and him and that he might not be able to give me what I deserve. He said his kids mean a lot to him and that even if he ended up alone, he can't see himself separated from his kids.

 

Was I out of line for wanting to know what's the update with the divorce?

 

 

You know what you should say when he says this?

 

"You're right, you probably will disappoint me and not give me what I deserve and you will end up alone."

 

Let me tell you something: he has not changed. You do not want a MM that has not changed. If he really does leave, it will be his M continued with you. Most likely, there is no final hearing and he is relying on you being in a different country so you can't check or know what's going on.

 

As for the divorce stuff, I was with my H every step through the D. We are in the small minority that really pisses people off because we moved in together right away after they separated. The only reason I can see your MM caring about you asking is if he's lying.

 

GEL

[jj33]

Hes trying to tell you that he is not moving away from his kids.

 

But the more pressing issue is that he is not saying I love you I want you to be here to live with me and to get to know my children....

 

And he is sending hurt childish emails suggesting that he is the prize...

[Sugarcane]

I want to end this because I really do not see him changing. This has been going on for a while now and I am not getting any younger.

 

At times, I feel he's hinting that things are not going to happen and when I question him about it, he'd say that I am reading too much into it!

 

GEL, I felt the same way. I noticed that men do not like to be questioned so much because they are actually hiding something.. because when I know I am doing something wrong, I hate being questioned about it.

 

Yes, he loves to send me childish emails to make me feel guilty, JJ33.... He would say things like how much I hurt him for ending it... after all we went through, how I could just let it go and forget all about it. Like it is that easy, that guy has no idea....!!

 

On top of this, I feel that I might not be able to cope if it actually ends. At times I wish he would come right out and tell me he isn't leaving his wife then it would be so much easier.

[jj33]

Thats just your imagination. You are not in the same country. How often do you see him?

 

You have a great new job in fashion. You have friends that you go out with after work.

 

All you have with him at the moment is the promise or hope of a happily ever after - and based on those emails it doesnt sound that like is much of a promise or a hope. It sounds like a dream that may or may not come true.

 

If you give that up you face the fact that you are on your own. But you can cope. Youve been managing handily for 3 years.

 

You can do this

[Sugarcane]

Thanks Jj33 for your kind words. The last time I told him it was over, he said I was a coward for not ending it over the phone... like it would make a huge difference.

 

Right now, I feel that I can do it : end it and get it over with... but who knows how I feel tomorrow morning.

[jj33]

You CAN do this. The big mental shift is to stop wondering what he will think.

 

I remember when it ended I had this jolt of OMG I CANT let this go on anymore. No no no no no. It was like I was fighting for my life. And maybe in a way I was.

 

But its the protective shield that you need to put around yourself - you cant let this guy manipulate you anymore. He seems to think that treating you poorly when you dont do what he wants you to is the way to keep you in line.

 

Thats a really bad sign. If you are uncomfortable with the relationship he should be reassuring you, not telling you that you are a baby.

 

Bin him!!

[Lucky_One]

How often do you see each other? How much time have you spent together in the past 3 years total?

 

Some cities have online court system databases that you can search to see what has been filed/recorded. Have you tried to see if you can find any divorce papers online?

 

Although I don't even know why I am suggesting this, as I dont' think he has filed at all, and is just trying to keep you sucked into an unsatisfying EMA.

[jj33]

The thing that concerns me most is he is treating you like you are LUCKY that he would consider being with you when he is divorced. That is not the right answer.

 

He just doesnt treat you properly. And if he doesnt now, what does the future hold.

 

I know you love him but you can do much better.

[sugarmomma]

I want to end this because I really do not see him changing. This has been going on for a while now and I am not getting any younger.

 

At times, I feel he's hinting that things are not going to happen and when I question him about it, he'd say that I am reading too much into it!

 

GEL, I felt the same way. I noticed that men do not like to be questioned so much because they are actually hiding something.. because when I know I am doing something wrong, I hate being questioned about it.

 

Yes, he loves to send me childish emails to make me feel guilty, JJ33.... He would say things like how much I hurt him for ending it... after all we went through, how I could just let it go and forget all about it. Like it is that easy, that guy has no idea....!!

 

On top of this, I feel that I might not be able to cope if it actually ends. At times I wish he would come right out and tell me he isn't leaving his wife then it would be so much easier.

 

Girlfriend,

 

He ma never come right out and tell you that he is staying with her. Beyond that his behavior is speaking so loud that you shouldn't be able to hear a word he says.

 

You say you want to end it and I think you are really in a good position to do so since you guys are in different countries.

 

 

My guy who lived with his baby momma and kids kept telling me the same things about how he didn't want to leave his kids but how she treated him like sh**. I got tired after 3 months and dropped him like a hot rock. I know its going to be more difficult for you because it has been longer but you have to END IT. He doesn't sound like he is going to leave and you could be spending this time getting to know single men and find one suitable for you.

 

If you really want to end it. Change your number, cancel your email account or at least block him, cancel all ways of communicating with him.

 

You have to go NC and understand why you're doing it. FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON AND THAT IS YOU. HE WILL STRING YOU ALONG AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM.

[wildsoul]

You're waking up!

 

He's doing the CLASSIC form of manipulation that goes like this:

 

1. You bust the game. You see that he's not taking action and confront it.

 

2. He doesn't like you calling him out. He doesn't want you pointing out what he is doing wrong!

 

3. So he spins it around as if YOU'RE the one who's wrong. Gets you looking at yourself and not him! (e.g. If only you'd been more patient, more loving, yada yada.)

 

Bullsh*t!

 

He's also trying to hook you with hope. He doesn't flat-out make you any promises, so that he has deniability. It's very confusing to be on the receiving end of that. He's using smoke and mirrors.

[Mino]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm OW for almost 3 years now. I met MM through a friend and we got along well. We live in different countries now since he relocated but continued the relationship.

 

For almost 3 years, there were hard times that we got through and good times we shared. Mostly family related matters such as his children and career. I am single, never been married.

 

For the first one and a half years, I stopped dating because I was putting myself up only for him. From here you can tell that we communicated through phone calls and instant messenger.

 

It was all good then we visited each other. The last visit, he told me to give him a year to get things sorted out. It's over a year now.

 

Before it reached the one year mark where he said he'd sort things out, I started going out more with my friends. I got a new job in the fashion line and that means I get to mingle with a lot of socialites and people from different levels/fields. I did meet a lot of new people even men that I didn't know would be interested in me!

 

At the same time, work kept me busy most of the time. Whenever I am free, I preferred to go out with friends or on a date rather than spend time online with MM because I can never really know when he will be online. He works from home so whenever his wife is out at work, he comes online to chat with me.

 

We argued recently about me neglecting him. I told him I was busy with work but he said no matter how busy he was, he always made time for me. I should have done the same. For the last 2 years, I have been doing JUST that! Even when I keep telling myself I should be out having fun but no, I stayed home to be with him.

 

It got really bad that I told him it's better for us to end it. He said if that was what I wanted then that would be it. I was actually relieved that it ended because I can finally get over him and start a new life with someone right here with me - whoever he is. I thought to myself that this is it, I can do whatever I want at whatever time. I don't have to rush home to chat with him.

 

That was when he started emailing me things like "Just so you know, my final hearing is in May and too bad you ended it before I told you the news" or "I wanted to tell you that I am going ahead with the divorce but you were too busy for me"....

 

I got sucked into it. We got back together. So a month passed and I asked him, so your final hearing is in May... he said yes but there are other things to take into consideration! Like WTF!? I let it go cause he said I am more concern about his divorce than I am about fixing the times I have neglected him.

 

Just a few days ago, he said that he is afraid that he might disappoint me.... and him and that he might not be able to give me what I deserve. He said his kids mean a lot to him and that even if he ended up alone, he can't see himself separated from his kids.

 

That got me thinking....

 

He is trying to tell me something there, isn't he?

 

Was I out of line for wanting to know what's the update with the divorce?

 

I'm sorry for this being so long but needed to get it out so you know what is going on... or what was going on.

 

Thank you.

Hi, What he is doing is buying time. I can write a book on that one. In 4 years I had about 10 deadlines, Each one came and passed, without any movement. The times he did move, I was at the point, really at the point of being done. And guess what, even if he does move out , its still not what you expected. Its just a whole new chapter, mine has been out for 10 months, and we are pretty much living together, but is just a new "set" of issues, Makes the first chapters look like a cakewalk" Best advice from someone who is on chapter????? , run dont walk, really!! Gee, am I on a negative roll today, or what? sorry..

[Mino]

Hi, What he is doing is buying time. I can write a book on that one. In 4 years I had about 10 deadlines, Each one came and passed, without any movement. The times he did move, I was at the point, really at the point of being done. And guess what, even if he does move out , its still not what you expected. Its just a whole new chapter, mine has been out for 10 months, and we are pretty much living together, but is just a new "set" of issues, Makes the first chapters look like a cakewalk" Best advice from someone who is on chapter????? , run dont walk, really!! Gee, am I on a negative roll today, or what? sorry..

He is just trying to lure you back in AGAIN!! and again, and again......Tell him to contact you in 2 years, One year for the divorce, and the 2 year for when he over HIS HEALING. Its easier to find a sg, cause the one you want now is a broken man...Really want to go down that path? .

[D-Lish]

I too am astonished you would put up with this!

 

How backwards does it get? He is MARRIED, yet he makes you feel guilty about neglecting him?

 

Don't allow him to manipulate you. How incredibly selfish of him.

[whichwayisup]

That was when he started emailing me things like "Just so you know, my final hearing is in May and too bad you ended it before I told you the news" or "I wanted to tell you that I am going ahead with the divorce but you were too busy for me"....

How old is he, 12? WTF. Seriously, tell him to shove it up his ass and leave you alone.

 

You're right, he isn't going to change. Only you can, and getting the courage to end it completely I hope happens soon. This guy is a piece of work...EVEN if he did leave his wife (if that's true about the D, but I doubt it) you want a guy like him around? Liar, cheater, immature?

[bentnotbroken]

How old is he, 12? WTF. Seriously, tell him to shove it up his ass and leave you alone.

 

You're right, he isn't going to change. Only you can, and getting the courage to end it completely I hope happens soon. This guy is a piece of work...EVEN if he did leave his wife (if that's true about the D, but I doubt it) you want a guy like him around? Liar, cheater, immature?

 

 

 

WOW:eek: WWIU, say what you really mean. OP you should listen, she is right on the money.

[fooled once]

He is playing you big time and you are falling for it.

 

And he had the audacity to tell you that you are neglecting HIM????

 

He is MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

[Sugarcane]

Wow! Thank you very much, people!! I really appreciate the support I get from here.

 

I am done. In my heart, I really am done. I can't take this anymore. I know what he's doing is wrong... manipulating me and turning things around and yet I made excuses for him. He does the whole reverse-psychology s*** on me...

 

Why is it that I only see that now?!

[Sugarcane]

How old is he, 12? WTF. Seriously, tell him to shove it up his ass and leave you alone.

 

You're right, he isn't going to change. Only you can, and getting the courage to end it completely I hope happens soon. This guy is a piece of work...EVEN if he did leave his wife (if that's true about the D, but I doubt it) you want a guy like him around? Liar, cheater, immature?

 

Yes, I would think a 37 year old wouldn't act like a kid! It would have been ok with me if he treated me or at least, respected me like I did. I know he deserves no respect now but if you knew the things he said (of course we have all heard it the usual I love you, can't live without you crap)... I would expect to be treated differently.

[Sugarcane]

He is playing you big time and you are falling for it.

 

And he had the audacity to tell you that you are neglecting HIM????

 

He is MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know...

 

I am a strong individual. I have gone through a lot but this one is tough. When I think back on why I got back together with him... it was because I didn't want to receive those emails I have received. I hate being the one to hurt someone... I sooo would like to give a copy of what he wrote because you all would really give him (if it was possible ) an earful!

 

I spoke to my ex last night and he said he really doesn't like what MM is doing to me. He said I should end it and ... I am going to. I want to.

[Sugarcane]

How often do you see each other? How much time have you spent together in the past 3 years total?

 

Some cities have online court system databases that you can search to see what has been filed/recorded. Have you tried to see if you can find any divorce papers online?

 

Although I don't even know why I am suggesting this, as I dont' think he has filed at all, and is just trying to keep you sucked into an unsatisfying EMA.

 

We don't see each other as often as we would like to. About 4 times in the last 2 years plus.

 

He planned to visit me in June/July (I think I mentioned that somewhere in the first blog)... he told me that when we were "on a break" so after we got back together, I asked him about it... he said "well it depends on several things, you know with the kids and all.." - WTF?! See the mind games?!

[Sugarcane]

The thing that concerns me most is he is treating you like you are LUCKY that he would consider being with you when he is divorced. That is not the right answer.

 

He just doesnt treat you properly. And if he doesnt now, what does the future hold.

 

I know you love him but you can do much better.

 

I just found out how to do the whole multi-quote thing

 

Yes I know I can do better.... but because he made me feel so good about myself... I feel that no other man could do the same. Lame, I know.

 

If you really want to end it. Change your number, cancel your email account or at least block him, cancel all ways of communicating with him.

 

You have to go NC and understand why you're doing it. FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON AND THAT IS YOU. HE WILL STRING YOU ALONG AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM.

 

I think I can block him from my cellphone number right? I don't think I can change my number, old friends, suppliers and all...

 

I want to stop him from stringing him along. I hate that he's really good at making me feel really bad!

 

You're waking up!

 

He's doing the CLASSIC form of manipulation that goes like this:

 

1. You bust the game. You see that he's not taking action and confront it.

 

2. He doesn't like you calling him out. He doesn't want you pointing out what he is doing wrong!

 

3. So he spins it around as if YOU'RE the one who's wrong. Gets you looking at yourself and not him! (e.g. If only you'd been more patient, more loving, yada yada.)

 

Bullsh*t!

 

He's also trying to hook you with hope. He doesn't flat-out make you any promises, so that he has deniability. It's very confusing to be on the receiving end of that. He's using smoke and mirrors.

 

wildsoul, you got it right. He does exactly what you have listed. He asked me several times how I could hurt him so bad when I tell him that I love him.... well... errmmm... what is he doing to me!?

 

He is just trying to lure you back in AGAIN!! and again, and again......Tell him to contact you in 2 years, One year for the divorce, and the 2 year for when he over HIS HEALING. Its easier to find a sg, cause the one you want now is a broken man...Really want to go down that path? .

 

When I think back, there is so many uncertainties. I'm not getting any younger and I really don't know if I could really wait that long... however long is.

 

He told me recently that he is scared that he would disappoint me... and that anything can happen on my side or his. So if that is the case, why is it that when I suggest he makes it work with his wife... he said I'm pushing him back into something that he knows will not work anymore.... if he gives up so easily on his marriage.... without trying (I honestly think he is trying but isn't telling me so...).

 

I too am astonished you would put up with this!

 

How backwards does it get? He is MARRIED, yet he makes you feel guilty about neglecting him?

 

Don't allow him to manipulate you. How incredibly selfish of him.

 

I'm as astonished as you are...

[White Flower]

That got me thinking....

 

He is trying to tell me something there, isn't he?

 

Was I out of line for wanting to know what's the update with the divorce?

 

I'm sorry for this being so long but needed to get it out so you know what is going on... or what was going on.

 

Thank you.

Absolutely not! He made you believe he was divorcing for you and you have every right to question him about it. Don't walk on egg shells around him when he is getting the benefits of sleeping in your bed.

[boldjack]

What reason does the Ow have to expect honesty from the MM? She already knows he's a liar, or there would'nt be an affair going on.. If this Op's lover was a straight arrow, and if the Ow meant anything to him, he would already been divorced .