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Why doesn't the husband/wife end the marriage?


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MeaganRaye

Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that?

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Meagan I know you are looking for responses from BS not OWs but my understanding from talking to friends who have been BSs is there are many reasons.

 

The most common is an understanding that people make mistakes. And if the BS loves the WS and the WS is willing to work on the marriage, then its worth repairing it. Of course in other situations there are other issues, like financial implications that make divorce an undesirable result.

 

In my case the W knew about the A and didnt care so long as he supported her lavish lifestyle and showed up on command. He stayed for the lifestyle and the extended family and social connections that had become the fabric of his life after 40 some years.

 

Even where the relationship between the spouses is not great, a marriage is not just about a "soul mate" or intimacy for many people. Its about so much more. And unless someone is truly truly miserable in their marriage they will do everything they can to preserve it.

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MeaganRaye
Meagan I know you are looking for responses from BS not OWs but my understanding from talking to friends who have been BSs is there are many reasons.

 

The most common is an understanding that people make mistakes. And if the BS loves the WS and the WS is willing to work on the marriage, then its worth repairing it. Of course in other situations there are other issues, like financial implications that make divorce an undesirable result.

 

In my case the W knew about the A and didnt care so long as he supported her lavish lifestyle and showed up on command. He stayed for the lifestyle and the extended family and social connections that had become the fabric of his life after 40 some years.

 

Even where the relationship between the spouses is not great, a marriage is not just about a "soul mate" or intimacy for many people. Its about so much more. And unless someone is truly truly miserable in their marriage they will do everything they can to preserve it.

Lavish lifestyle? Every married couple is not wealthy & they don't all live lavishly either. I see that term being thrown around here a lot

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It cuts both ways Meagan. If you have a lot of money then you wont live as well on half of it. Where I live after a long marriage the W gets half of current assets, half the retirement savings and what is equal to half of his earnings. A definite change in lifestyle unless you are super wealthy. There are many people who live a great lifestyle but couldnt live the same way on half.

 

If you dont have a lot of money, then keeping up two households can be very very challenging, especially if only one spouse is working or is working in a job that doesnt earn much. For some people that is a deal breaker. The H couldnt afford to leave and suport W and children while supporting himself. You may say what about the OW who works but its not that simple. And there are no guarantees the relationship with the OW and the MM will work out long term.

 

There are some very practical realities to take into account. Couples dont live on love alone.

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bentnotbroken
Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that?

 

 

That is an interesting question. Kind of like why the cheating man doesn't leave his marriage before he dips his winky into another vagina. HHHHMMMM:confused:

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Meagan I used to think about this all the time. I make money. I bet I make half of what he makes. if we were together he would lose assets and social and business connections but his income wouldnt be badly hurt I dont think. I had the whole thing worked out (so far as I could figure it out with the knowledge I had).

 

And then I would feel badly and think he just didnt love me enough. But then more recently I was at a meeting with him and he started talking about his family (not W mind you his family) and I heard the pride in his voice. All the love and happiness in the world is unlikely to be enough to ever cause him to do anything to rupture that family. He and his W look at it differently, they each have their own lives, sex doesnt feature in it, but the marriage is an institution, and they have a large family that they reign over proudly.

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And.. you can ask it the way Bent did? If an A is a deal breaker why doesnt the MM have the balls to leave first?

 

Because they arent sure they want to leave the marriage. If they were they would leave. Noone causes someone else to leave.

 

They leave if and when they are good and ready for their own reasons - no matter what garbage they spew in the meantime.

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MeaganRaye
Meagan I used to think about this all the time. I make money. I bet I make half of what he makes. if we were together he would lose assets and social and business connections but his income wouldnt be badly hurt I dont think. I had the whole thing worked out (so far as I could figure it out with the knowledge I had).

 

And then I would feel badly and think he just didnt love me enough. But then more recently I was at a meeting with him and he started talking about his family (not W mind you his family) and I heard the pride in his voice. All the love and happiness in the world is unlikely to be enough to ever cause him to do anything to rupture that family. He and his W look at it differently, they each have their own lives, sex doesnt feature in it, but the marriage is an institution, and they have a large family that they reign over proudly.

That interesting. so what kind of marriages are the kind that break up? the men who are having extra marrital affairs seem to stay in their marriage longer than any i've heard.

 

I feel for you jj. I'd be so angry to hear him talk about his family like that, it might drive me to sabatoge it.

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bentnotbroken
That interesting. so what kind of marriages are the kind that break up? the men who are having extra marrital affairs seem to stay in their marriage longer than any i've heard.

 

I feel for you jj. I'd be so angry to hear him talk about his family like that, it might drive me to sabatoge it.

 

 

Why might it drive you to sabotage it? That is a curious response.

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MeaganRaye
Why might it drive you to sabotage it? That is a curious response.

because I woudn't be good enough to be apart of it

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LucreziaBorgia
Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that?

 

Because the marriage and all that it encompasses is more important that the affair. Would you throw your entire car out if it needed a repair?

 

As for the MM, they usually make it very clear that they wanted an affair, not a divorce. Given a holistic view of the marriage, one facet of a marriage that goes wrong is not equal to the total of it.

 

Add that to the way the blame is generally laid, and it is easier to do a repair than it is to scrap the whole shebang.

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MeaganRaye
Because the marriage and all that it encompasses is more important that the affair. Would you throw your entire car out if it needed a repair?

 

As for the MM, they usually make it very clear that they wanted an affair, not a divorce. Given a holistic view of the marriage, one facet of a marriage that goes wrong is not equal to the total of it.

 

Add that to the way the blame is generally laid, and it is easier to do a repair than it is to scrap the whole shebang.

 

depends on how bad the repair is and if its worth fixing.

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Thanks Meagan. Karma would bite on that one. And really it cant be sabotaged and if it were, he would hate me forever. Not the result I am looking for personally or more importantly right now, professionally.

 

In a way it was good hearing that. It made me more certain that I am right to keep pushing him away. I cant be his emotional security blanket. He knows I am dating. He knows I am moving on and that there is nothing he can do to change that. Hes not happy about it, but not unhappy about it to change things. One day I will meet someone else (I pray...). And then even if he left I think it would be too late. I used to think I could never love anyone the way I love him. Now after so much drama and pain, I am coming round to the view that there must be a simpler way. We get along so well, it hurts sometimes. But ? so what. He is married. And now whenever he talks to me thats all I hear afterwards "still married still married still married".

 

IMO, the marriages that break up are the ones where (1) the man is NOT a cake eater; and (2) he is truly unhappy. Either the affair is one he is having "on his way out the door" or one he is having that wakes him up to the fact that hey I actually CAN leave.

 

But in either case he needs to be truly miserable. Marriage is a big thing. People have peaks and valleys and they may get weak during a dip but then they bring themselves back to what is important. Maybe some of the men like PKN will address this.

 

Ive come to the view that most affairs fall into 2 categories - the affairs of confusion and the affairs of the cake eater. The affairs of confusion are those where the guy is unhappy but doesnt know what he wants. When D day strikes he typically works on the marriage. The affair of the cake eater is different. Hes selfish and wants it all... he is usually a serial cheater. Guys like the one I was involved with feel trapped but dont want to leave. They want more but are not willing to leave to get it. And they are the worst because they arent "good" at having affairs. They get all tangled up emotionally but despite that really have nothing to give past a certain point.

 

Its not a good thing. If you are still in an A leave leave leave. Staying in it doesnt help. He knows you. He knows how he feels about you. That is not the deciding factor. He needs to want to leave for his own reasons. Then and only then can you see if your relationship would survive the light of day.

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MeaganRaye
Thanks Meagan. Karma would bite on that one. And really it cant be sabotaged and if it were, he would hate me forever. Not the result I am looking for personally or more importantly right now, professionally.

 

Since you still care for him then it would be hard to do. But to proudly talk about his family like that while you're sitting around waiting for him would be enough to turn me into a loose cannon. I woulnd't care if the person hated me forever, just sabotaging the M would give me enough gratification

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You know what Meagan I had to struggle with that one too - was it because I "wasnt good enough" to be apart of his world. Then i realised I had it all wrong. I consider myself to be a very moral person (to my detriment in many cases). Is he good enough for me. Having money or social connections or a great lifestyle doesnt make you any better than anyone else. It just creates access and a broader range of experience. But that is all it does. And believe me if you are with the same people all the time doing the same things, talking about the same things it doesnt matter if you are drinking champagne or a Bud - its all the same after awhile.

 

Bigger question is when he goes on his many business trips would I be able to sit at home happily without worrying that he wasnt spending the evening with some hot babe who had hit on him? Or that if we had a dip in our relationship, that he woudnt be weak to someone else's affections. He has a LOT of freedom in his current marriage. He would NEVER have that freedom with me.

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You will change your view on the sabotage. It doesnt help. I have spoken to him about things like what is acceptable for him to discuss in front of me. And he is taking that on board to some extent. But I cant ask him not to discuss his family. They are his family. And I ask after the children etc from time to time. Its life. If I didnt work with him, I would block his email, tell him to f off and never speak to him again. But you handle the cards you are dealt.

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sugarmomma
Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that?

 

Fear of being alone, low self worth and/or plain old stupidity. Did I say fear?

 

JMHO. I could never stay with a cheater. It is a total deal breaker. Too many fish in the sea.

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And really hes not a bad man. Hes just doing his thing. I was warned when I got involved with him by a mutual friend that he would NEVER leave because of the status issues involved. So I went in with my eyes open. I just never expected it to be as complicated as it was or for it to go as far as it did, or for him to keep coming back the way he has. I thought hed be onto someone else by now. He surprised himself... I dont think hes going to be having another A any time soon.

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bentnotbroken

Some wives DO kick him to the curb and never look back. :)

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You know what Bent. I would. In a nanosecond. There is no way I could live with knowing that someone betrayed me like that. I have very few dealbreakers but cheating is one of them.

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tami-chan
Even where the relationship between the spouses is not great, a marriage is not just about a "soul mate" or intimacy for many people. Its about so much more. And unless someone is truly truly miserable in their marriage they will do everything they can to preserve it.

 

So true. Especially if the husband is at your beck and call----and treats you "very well" ---maybe the intimacy(sex) is gone or minimized but the kindness and love is still there-after all, as the years go by the sex diminishes and you thrive on love and kindness, among other things.

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And even if there is not love and kindness.... there are still other things. Its alot different viewing a marriage as an adult than when you are in your teens or twenties and it all seems like romance is the biggest consideration.

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I left my husband for good when he cheated. I found out on a Friday and the house was on the market with a sign on the lawn in 2 days.

 

I could have stayed- I gave up a lot of security by leaving, and he wanted to mend things.

 

It was the OW who got my number and called me to tell me she was pregnant. I just couldn't stay with him after that.

 

However, as a BS... I never did blame the OW. It was my H who was at fault. I didn't even think about making it work after finding out.

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