LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

I'm still in love with my ex from 17 years ago...we're both married now, ?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 15th March 2009, 10:17 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 6
I'm still in love with my ex from 17 years ago...we're both married now, ?

Sydney Australia, late Spring 1992 when we first encountered each other. I had come from two previous relationships, a broken man...learning the hard way...not to give your heart, mind, body and soul to someone who doesn't want it. As deflated as I was from my experience with love so far...i still remained optimistic!

It was a Sunday evening after church when I met her....a brief introduction through a cousin, INSTANT chemistry and attraction and so began the story of MAC (I'm using acronyms just in case our significant others stumble across this forum!) We were on the phone to each other that very night...and we were together again 2 days later! And it was on this second encounter that I asked her to be my girl and if I could be her man...despite the fact that we would only have less than two weeks together, as she was leaving for the USA. Those two weeks would prove to be the fastest two weeks of my entire existence! Believe me when I say...I didn't want to get too involved...i didn't want to fall in love too deep if she wasn't going to stay! But it so turns out that my intentions would prove to be countered by something SO SPECIAL that still to this day AMAZES me...and makes me smile. I couldn't help but fall HARD for this girl! How could you not fall in love with someone who was already CLEARLY in love with you?! Upon her departure I would commit to wait for her...4 years seemed achievable...I'd never had a LDR before and I believed we could make it work! However as fate would have it....it was only 22 months later where all would fall apart and I would be left feeling like a fool! With all hope lost! Any chances for a reunion seemed near impossible....it would take me 4 years later after the break-up that I eventually moved on and met my wife of 10 years today!

OMG! WTF! NO WAY! These were the first three things that crossed my mind when I realized that the girl of my dreams, who I'd committed to wait for all those years ago...was now back in my life...17 years later!?!?! Why was this happening? I wanted to comprehend but didn't care if I didn't! In this one sentence I want to bless and curse modern technology at the same time. Why? Because it was through a social networking site that we would find our pasts align themselves again and we would reconnect. Much of the initial correspondence was purely opportunities to catch up...I would go on to tell her that I was married now with children and she too was committed in marriage with a child...but it has now been over 3 months since we found each other again (online) and we have practically been corresponding via email and telephone almost every day...sometimes more then 2 times a day....secretly behind our partners back....openly professing emotions and feelings that should have died 17 years ago! Instead we've realised that such feelings had never left either of us...but simply laid dormant! With these feelings re-ignited and burning strong as if we were back in 1992(possibly even stronger!)....we both know and accept that there is nothing we can do to rekindle a relationship, a life together as it should have been intended....now that we are very very much involved with others!? All I know is that now that i have her back in my life I never want to lose her ever, ever again! And I believe she feels the same! The problem is I still want to hold her...kiss her....just one more time! I still want to experience her in an intimate way.....but know I shouldn't....know I can't...coz we are meant to be with others!

So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?

Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?

Last edited by SYD&LV1992; 15th March 2009 at 10:25 AM..
SYD&LV1992 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th March 2009, 10:42 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 86
sounds like you are over romanticising the past that was a long time ago and if you met her again things would not nevessaily be the same. You should tell your wife you have encountered her again and quit all the phone calls and contact and focus it in the real people in your life not some fantasy.
InvisibleGirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th March 2009, 11:03 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 51,851
Quote:
openly professing emotions and feelings that should have died 17 years ago
You went looking and now your life is in such a mess! The reason why those feelings are here now is because you both opened pandora's box.

My suggestion is, come clean with your spouse, allow her to decide if she wants to stay married to someone who wants a past flame. You're cheating on her now and that's cruel/selfish of you. YOu're betraying your whole family unit by sneaking around, trying to recapture something from your past.

You went looking for it, it didn't find you. Own it, admit to it and either let go of this OW from your past or divorce your wife. To stay and cheat is only going to mess up your lives and hurt innocent people (your wife, her husband and ALL the kids.).
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th March 2009, 2:00 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midweat
Posts: 2,320
I think it is a very common scenario, this old flame thing. You get married, life gets routine, your partner familiar and not as exciting, and folks start romaticizing the past. It's dumb, but common. You are not unique, nor is what has happened unique.
SO , what happened 22 months into the LDR? Did you guys meet other people? If that is what happened, maybe you should realize the initial bond was not all that strong, or you really did not know each otherall that well.
Just seems foolish to throw away your marriage and family chasing this. These relationships that start out dishonestly seldom work out. And, you hurt others, a lot.
Reggie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 8:31 AM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 6
....we both know and accept that there is nothing we can do to rekindle...

_____

If I may highlight that we both very intelligent individuals....and understand COMPLETELY the consequences and how negatively our families and relationships with our significant others will be impacted if we were to ever entertain the idea and concept of getting back together again after soooo many years! Therefore we understand and appreciate the feelings may very well still be there....but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!
We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!

So everyone that wants to read and contribute a comment to this thread...we both appreciate you all mean well and that you have a good grasp of what the fundamental principals are regarding what we should and shouldn't do! And as already communicated we do too! We simply are seeking to ascertain if there are possibly others out there....like us....that have managed to reconnect with a long lost LDR...understood the dangers of cultivating anything further and are just happy now to simply maintain a friendship moving forward! Please come forward and share your experiences....we want to know if there are more of us out there!?!?
SYD&LV1992 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 9:51 AM   #6
Established Member
 
2sure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: US
Posts: 8,342
Journal Entries: 3
There are many many posters on here who have reconnected with old loves in just the Way that you have. If you take the time to read some of the threads here under infidelity - you will find their stories.

Almost all of them include having lost touch with someone, then going on with their lives and marrying someone else etc. Whats really so amazing, is that almost each and every one of them have one thing in common.

They refind and reconnect with their true love at just the point in their marriages that things have settled down, or gotten routine, or boring . Seems this point happens anywhere from 7-15 years. Always after children for women and when mid life crisis starts for men.

In fact, most of the infidelity stories are the same. In the "re-connected with true love on face book" catagory - you simply knew the person before...in other cases it is a friend from work, etc.

Your story is unique in one way though..your sense of romance and adventure is nearly equal to your sense of entitlement. Thats refreshing, at least to read.
2sure is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 10:06 AM   #7
Unconfirmed Account
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8,116
Journal Entries: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by SYD&LV1992 View Post
_____

If I may highlight that we both very intelligent individuals....
Could have fooled me.
shadowplay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 10:25 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: In God's grace
Posts: 9,705
You two aren't keeping anything on the down low, you are lying. To dress up what you are doing with some slang term, doesn't change the fact that the two of you are lying and cheating two innocent people out of faithful spouses. That is wrong, whether you are having a PA or not, you are still screwing your spouses over.

Happy marriages my eye. It's only happy because 2 people don't have all the facts and 2 people are eating cakes.
bentnotbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 10:46 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3,364
Quote:
Originally Posted by SYD&LV1992 View Post
So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?
No. This happens to many...they meet an old flame and begin an A. Typically doesn't end well.

Quote:
Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?
Well that's YOUR choice. If you want it bad enough, file for D and go get what you want. Its not that you can't have it...you just aren't willing to pay the price to get it.

And OP...you should REALLY read your thread before hitting the submit button...
__________________
"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination."
jwi71 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 11:05 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Lucky_One's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 3,720
How about just keep one thread going?

Having an identical thread with the same c/p response on LDR is irritating. I am not even going to touch the use of exclamation points.
Lucky_One is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 11:08 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midweat
Posts: 2,320
Why the secrecy if it is merely friendship? I would not object to my spouse having friends. This friendship allegation is BS.
Reggie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 11:27 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 144
syd,

My husband left me about three years ago for an old "friend" from years back who he had briefly dated before we met. We had been friends with her and her husband, and attended each others weddings but had fallen out of touch for years.

When she reconnected, she had ended her own marriage (to a nice guy) to take up with a jerk who dumped her 6 months later. Then finding herself alone, decided to call us up to reconnect and ended up inviting my husband to a reunion where supposedly all of their old friends would be at. I let him go because I trusted him, but boy was I stupid. When he returned from that trip my marriage was over, although it took about a year of hell before he finally moved out.

Anyway, I survived the train wreck but not without major pain and suffering. Our child is having more problems in school than he might have and we are financially in the hole (we had been good savers up to that point). We will not be getting back together, but I'm not sure my ex is as happy as he predicted he would be. They still don't live together as she has not been able to find a job around here and I've heard they don't always get along and that she is something of a drama queen (which I am not).

We had been together for 20 years and had some predictable issues, but I still can't see how his leaving for his current situation would have been preferable to us trying to work it out in therapy. We had had many years of happiness and many mutual interests, not to mention a child.

I doubt he would admit this, but I bet deep down he does regret his actions.

Anyway, I have two suggestions for the OP -

1) stop communicating with your old friend as it IS interfering with your marriage and will only make things worse and is unfair to your family, and 2) tell your wife about what's going on and go to couples counseling PRONTO and try like heck to reconnect with her.

It's sad that things did not work out with your old love, and I'm sure it is very exciting because the new is always more exciting than the old (although in this case the new is the old) but what you have with your present family is a lot more real than any fantasy you have with your old girlfriend--it's not like you were even with her for a long haul--you never got out of the "honeymoon" phase which is part of the problem.
Montclair0011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 11:45 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 51,851
Quote:
but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!
THEN WHY HAVE AN AFFAIR? What is the point of doing what you're doing now? Other than to be selfish and have a secret relationship behind your spouses backs? Honestly, wouldn't it be more HONEST and real if the two of you professed your love to one another out in the open and divorced your spouses so THEY can go on to find love with someone else? Why is it okay to have an affair, have your cake(s) and eat it too?

Quote:
We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!
So basically, neither of you are really planning on leaving your spouses, but both are OK cheating on them..Living a lie, living a double life.

How would you feel if your wife did this to you? Wake up man, stop being selfish and either end your affair completely or divorce your wife. You can't have it both ways! Atleast not for long...Trust me, sooner or later they WILL (they as in your wife, her husband) realize something isn't "right" and they'll do some snooping..
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2009, 11:11 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,048
Quote:
Originally Posted by SYD&LV1992 View Post

So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?

Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?
Deception is not ok. You are so caught up with each other and your 'love' for one another, that you don't see what is truly going on here -- you are acting in a deceptive manner towards your spouses.
Of course there are others like you!!!! Tons and tons, and they all go on to have an affair, so you are posting here a little early... welcome to the future hell you are busy creating now.

You cannot see it, because you are both selfish pricks right now, just involved in your being in love/ infatuation with each other. But you are both plotting and planning according to the same ole plan -- you are making excuses for your future affair, by declaring 'how special' you both are, and how 'it was meant to be' and oh yeah -- You deserve it, since you waited 22 mths, and a whole lifetime since, just to fu#k her again! So -- you are going to skulk around and eventually do the deed anyway, leaving a wake of devastation.

Grow up, ok? You are the heads of Families, with others besides your erotic games... You both previously made choices and decisions, and you cannot have it both ways -- your marriages AND a 'friendship' with each other! Don't con yourselves... because that is where you are headed -- straight into an A.

Get out now. Agree not to see each other, or know that you are willingly plotting the most terrible pain in your spouses' hearts. And they don't deserve that.

If you are not willing to get out now, and go no contact, then tell your spouses what is going on, since this affects THEIR LIVES too!!!! They have a right to know.
Athena is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2009, 12:27 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ******* deep in cow ****.
Posts: 3,622
Nostalgia is as prevalant in romantic stories as anywhere else. You had deep feelings for this woman, and the operative word is "Had". You don't know that anything would be as good as you remember and so your memories are clouding your thinking, right now. Many of us would like to "turn back the clock", to a happier (supposedly) time and place, but you are not the same person and neither is she. You should have one last good talk and say goodbye. It will be a fond memory, nothing more.
boldjack is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
13 years on - I'm Married,She's now married too but I still love her. niceirishfella Second Chances 16 10th November 2007 6:31 PM
15 years married and husband cought cheating with a married woman now a baby is born terriA Infidelity 5 2nd May 2006 1:58 AM
Married 15 years and no longer in love 80's Girl Separation and Divorce 4 7th August 2003 11:12 PM
Married 10 years and in love with another man 73117311 Infidelity 7 22nd July 2003 10:37 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:31 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.