i have no backbone, it seems

[CompletelyScrewed]

i am so alone in all of this that all i can do is try to talk to people on this site. i have a shrink, a psychotherapist and lots of people who think they know what they're talking about, but NO ONE can help me. No one can help me BECAUSE I HAVE DONE THIS TO MYSELF.

 

not that anyone will even read this, but i am so unbelievably sad that i'm gonna try.

 

so. my boyfriend left his wife for me. i left my husband for him. i love my boyfriend more than i can express. but he has just recently realized that, oops! he still loves his ex. I have sacrificed everything in my life for him, for our plans. and now, he lives with me, we work together, and all seems well....until he goes over to HER house after work. i have never hurt this bad in my life. at first, i flipped out, kicked him out, quit my job, etc. but im gonna tell you, i love this man. the problem is, i am starting to think that i love him more than i love myself.

 

 

to sum it up, i was married (not happily, but what is happy anyway?), had a great job, great friends, big family, etc. And even though i was not happy in my marriage,,,he was such a miserable person,,,,i was happy with my life, i guess. What made me look forward to each day was my job. I was a bad MF, lemme tell ya. I was top producer at my company, made around 22k per month, and i frickin loved it. I became extremely close with my coworkers. we were like a family. and then, i committed the ultimate, eternally damning, mortal sin:

i fell in love with my friend's husband.

gasp!

yep. i broke the code. i didnt do it purposely, trust me. you dont sh&t where you eat, i've been told. well, i did it royally.

my boss is 37 yrs old, im 33. he is one of the few people that i have met in my life that i felt a very close something with, we understood each other. same silly sense of humor. same intellectual aptitude. mutual respect. best friends.

the problem is, that my Other Boss was his wife. my friend. i am such a piece of crap. i really wish i would just die.

i did not pursue him! he and i would go to lunch together almost every day, and his wife knew about it. she wasnt worried about it, why? because i was her loyal friend.

but he and i began to confide in each other about how miserable we were at our respective homes. i truly did try to give him insight on how to make things better for him and his wife. it never crossed my mind that he and i would ever be anything other than best friends.

after weeks of this, he told me that he had feelings for me. what? i said, stop being retarded. it's just lunch, you just like to watch me eat, lol. but he was serious. and i was scared because i knew that nothing good was gonna happen.

but when i tell you that this man is probably one of the most attractive men i've ever known, and he and i have such an obvious connection; other people picked up on it years before we did! We would finish each other's sentences, you know.

well, that night, he went home and told his wife, my friend, that he was in love with me. we had not even kissed, nothing at all! and i had no clue he was gonna do that. everything that happened after that was insane. but he and i decided that we, together, were worth it. what we have was worth it.

 

but, what i have right now is a man that says he is in love with two women. so i kick him out, i leave town, and as soon as i'm gone for like 20 mins, he's blowing me up. and i dont get it. well, yeah, i do. he wants us both. and he always gets what he wants.

 

i could end all of this at any moment. i could just say, look, i didnt sign up for this. I destroyed my family, i've alienated myself from God, i cant take communion, i've disappointed everyone i know, and i can hardly look at myself in the mirror. the only time i am somewhat happy is when i am loaded. either drinking, pills, weed, something. anything to make me forget how heartbroken i am.

 

i deserve this. this is karma. this is what you get when you break the code. the only reason i dont think i'm going straight to hell is because i am a Christian (although you wouldnt think it by reading this.) But i will live a miserable life. im waiting for him to realize SOMETHING.

its just not gonna happen.

 

i am trapped by my own fear.

 

he left her for me! i had to put up with her threatening to whip my a@@ in the parking lot, etc... drama drama drama. months and months of it. and just when things settled down, he ripped my heart out.

 

on New Years Eve, he got drunk and left me. he left me at 2 in the morning to go back to her. i wanted to crawl out of my skin.

he was back the next morning, but the damage was done.

 

 

i am so alone. i am so sad. and no one wants to hear about it. i did it to myself, after all.

i just wish that i could erase him from my life. i love him so much, but that just makes it hurt even more.

[jj33]

Its hard to know what to say except you will get through this.

 

Have you left your job? Have you found another job?

 

Do you have any friends that will support you through this?

 

This is the time to stay busy. But not with drugs, weed and booze. You know that. Dont add to your troubles by getting wasted. You need to face the pain to move forward. We feel shame because we need to learn the lessons.

 

Throw yourself into something you can feel good about. Volunteer, throw yourself into new job (if you have one) go to the gym whatever it takes to keep your mind occupied.

 

Its awful to be so let down by someone no matter how the relationship started. Especially when you violated all your beliefs to be with that person.

 

Go to church. Confess. Can you do that even if you cant take communion? You sound like you need to know that God will forgive you. And he will.

 

The trick is that you need to forgive yourself.

 

Take good care.

[CompletelyScrewed]

thank you. thank you so much for replying. this world is so cold, i sometimes think that no one cares about anyone anymore.

 

the only friends i have that i can talk to about this tell me things i dont wanna hear. things like, he will never stop this. that it's impossible. that i deserve better, all the things I would be saying to someone@!!!

 

NO, i dont have another job. i work in the mortgage industry, and i am completely broke. i really did have it made, before. i made 292k a year. that is crazy money for someone like me, but God blessed me with an ability to work mortgage loans. the problem is that the mortgage industry is DESTROYED. i am barely hanging on. i havent earned a paycheck since Nov. All of my savings is gone. I dont think i can put my kids back in Catholic school next year.

 

and i got served Foreclosure papers this morning.

 

i am so scared.

[gopher]

You can come back from this, you can overcome anything. Sit down and start to make a life plan with just you and your kids. Write down everything positive and focus on that. You have to deal with the financial side, but Donald Trump overcame his financial problems and you can too.

 

Finally, find a church that believes in forgiveness....surround yourself with positive people and you will rebuild your life.

[MichelleS1983]

At least you're aware of the fact that you bought this ticket youreself and you're being forced to take the ride.

 

The fault lies squarely on your shoulders. Never lose sight of that because it will keep you grounded so you don't do something like this ever again.

 

It sounds as though you're so consumed with this guy that everyone else in your life is taking a back seat - especially your children. So big deal, they won't go to Catholic school. Hardly a tragedy. But surely you're not giving them the attention and love they deserve when you're flitting from therapist to therapist and constantly wondering what your boyfriend is going to do next?

 

When you had your kids, did you picture giving them this type of dysfunctional atmosphere to grow up in? Did you think you'd be so self-absorbed about some guy who lies and cheats and doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground that you wouldn't have anything left to give them? What do your kids think of this jerk? Do they know he's a lying cheater? Do they know their mother broke up their family for this schmuck? Do you think it's right to bring him around your kids? Jesus, what are you TEACHING them?

 

You're so busy thinking of YOURSELF that you just don't even consider how your actions are affecting anyone else, do you?

 

You'd be very wise indeed to look past your own nose and realize there are other people in this world more important than YOU and whose needs are more important than YOURS. Your silly obsession with some jerk who can't keep it in his pants and plays musical houses every time he leaves one of you for the other is playing HAVOC with your children's emotional stability. Don't you GET it??

 

This post was intentionally harsh because if a bunch of shrinks can't get through to you, we certainly aren't going to be able to do so. But I'll be damned if I'm going to pat you on the back and blow sunshine up your ass. Ain't happening.

[Beautiful Inside]

your not a bad person at all my love, you just made some ****ty choices but come on who the **** hasn't in life right im still getting karma from years agooo!!! geese.... i know everything seems like life is over now but it so isn't this is just a life lesson, listen to the song by alicia keys its called "lessoned learned" this always always makes me feel better i promise it will help listen to the words! i think once you get over this you will be a stronger person. trust me your not the only person in this situation or that this has happened to you, only difference is your coming out talking to us about it and we appreciate you choosing to share whats going on in your life with us i know its very hard....thank you

[fairyflower]

At least you're aware of the fact that you bought this ticket youreself and you're being forced to take the ride.

 

The fault lies squarely on your shoulders. Never lose sight of that because it will keep you grounded so you don't do something like this ever again.

 

It sounds as though you're so consumed with this guy that everyone else in your life is taking a back seat - especially your children. So big deal, they won't go to Catholic school. Hardly a tragedy. But surely you're not giving them the attention and love they deserve when you're flitting from therapist to therapist and constantly wondering what your boyfriend is going to do next?

 

When you had your kids, did you picture giving them this type of dysfunctional atmosphere to grow up in? Did you think you'd be so self-absorbed about some guy who lies and cheats and doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground that you wouldn't have anything left to give them? What do your kids think of this jerk? Do they know he's a lying cheater? Do they know their mother broke up their family for this schmuck? Do you think it's right to bring him around your kids? Jesus, what are you TEACHING them?

 

You're so busy thinking of YOURSELF that you just don't even consider how your actions are affecting anyone else, do you?

 

You'd be very wise indeed to look past your own nose and realize there are other people in this world more important than YOU and whose needs are more important than YOURS. Your silly obsession with some jerk who can't keep it in his pants and plays musical houses every time he leaves one of you for the other is playing HAVOC with your children's emotional stability. Don't you GET it??

 

This post was intentionally harsh because if a bunch of shrinks can't get through to you, we certainly aren't going to be able to do so. But I'll be damned if I'm going to pat you on the back and blow sunshine up your ass. Ain't happening.

 

What this woman needs is a place to express her feelings without being judged. She knows that she's made bad choices... She has hit an all time low in her life and is filled with fear... What she needs is compassion...

[Reggie]

Why all the whining? This happens a lot. You need to accept that this is messed up, get out, start over and check to see if you have a personality disorder. If so, get DBT and try not to marry anyone.

[boldjack]

First, this man is filth, he will use you and his wife as long as you let him. Second, you MUST resolve to be ABSOLUTELY HONEST in the future. Third, no hiding in booze or drugs or meaningless sex(stds). Fourth, STAND UP, look at the world, hug your children, rent, public school, WORK, volunteer, get therapy, TALK TO GOD(you don't need a church to talk with the savior) BEHONEST WITH GOD, BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, AND ALWAYS TREAT EVERYONE WITH LOVE,HONESTY,AND RESPECT. Remember, " He who is wise and will observe these things, even he will understand the lovingkindness of the LORD". GOD bless.

[bentnotbroken]

What this woman needs is a place to express her feelings without being judged. She knows that she's made bad choices... She has hit an all time low in her life and is filled with fear... What she needs is compassion...

 

 

You are always talking about compassion. It is like love, what is given in truth and honesty is usually returned. She showed her friend a lot of compassion, now she is getting that same compassion in return.

 

You don't have to agree with the posters on her, you don't even have to respond to the ones you don't like, but it would be nice if you stop telling everyone else what it is they need to say to posters. They say what they feel is necessary, not what you feel ins necessary.

 

OP, God is forgiveness. You don't need a particular denomanation to get forgiveness from him. But you sure in the heck, have to do more than wallow in self pity. You have to learn how to heal your self inflicted wounds and take care of your kids. And just for the record, the old saying about if they cheat with you, they will most likely cheat on you, is pretty close to true.

[Mr. Lucky]

NO, i dont have another job. i work in the mortgage industry, and i am completely broke. i really did have it made, before. i made 292k a year. that is crazy money for someone like me, but God blessed me with an ability to work mortgage loans. the problem is that the mortgage industry is DESTROYED. i am barely hanging on. i havent earned a paycheck since Nov. All of my savings is gone. I dont think i can put my kids back in Catholic school next year.

 

and i got served Foreclosure papers this morning.

 

Are you in the same house that you lived in when married? Kids live with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubadour]

CompletelyScrewed, you are right... you have completely screwed yourself.

[tami-chan]

WOW! I must have been living under a rock! is this really common?

 

1) Being an OW AND getting the MM

2 Being a WS and getting the divorce

2) Being dumped by MM for the W

3) Losing a high paying job

4) Losing one's home

5) Realizing what a loser one has been

 

All together now.....lead the way, BOLDJACK! or BENTBuTnotBROKEN!

 

YOU ARE COMPLETELY SCREWED AND DESERVE IT!

 

Jesus H. Christ! is it not enough for you guys the woman has realized how wrong her actions were? you want blood!

 

I do not know about your God, or your church,,,but I do not think you can ever give enough love or compassion to anyone!

 

just my heathen opinion....

[bentnotbroken]

WOW! I must have been living under a rock! is this really common?

 

1) Being an OW AND getting the MM

2 Being a WS and getting the divorce

2) Being dumped by MM for the W

3) Losing a high paying job

4) Losing one's home

5) Realizing what a loser one has been

 

All together now.....lead the way, BOLDJACK! or BENTBuTnotBROKEN!

 

YOU ARE COMPLETELY SCREWED AND DESERVE IT!

 

Jesus H. Christ! is it not enough for you guys the woman has realized how wrong her actions were? you want blood!

 

I do not know about your God, or your church,,,but I do not think you can ever give enough love or compassion to anyone!

 

just my heathen opinion....

 

 

You are right, it is your opinion. I never said the OP deserved anything. I told her she didn't need any particular denomination to receive forgiveness. She just has to ask the Lord and make the move to heal. And take car of her kids in the process. What are you reading? I don't like blood, real or otherwise and I guess it makes me no difference what you think. I good no matter what.

[Reggie]

Yeah, it is pretty common, with minor variations. The limbic system seems to overide logic and moral a lot. The job thing is merely a function of the economy. But, the decision to lie and cheat and then face consequences is all around us.

 

The reality is that there is often a price to pay for cheating. She needs to accept it and try to get help for her problem.

[tami-chan]

Yeah, it is pretty common, with minor variations. The limbic system seems to overide logic and moral a lot. The job thing is merely a function of the economy. But, the decision to lie and cheat and then face consequences is all around us.

 

The reality is that there is often a price to pay for cheating. She needs to accept it and try to get help for her problem.

 

She already has! that's the point! She thinks she is the scum of the earth for doing what she did. She is here because she needs help, some enlightenment--not more bashing-she is doing a good job doing that to herself! aiyoh!!!

 

btw,when do I get IM/email privileges?

[Reggie]

Yeah, but she doesn't really think that, IMO, hence the justifying. (Carnac, here).

[White Flower]

She already has! that's the point! She thinks she is the scum of the earth for doing what she did. She is here because she needs help, some enlightenment--not more bashing-she is doing a good job doing that to herself! aiyoh!!!

 

btw,when do I get IM/email privileges?

For me it was 500 posts but I hear it can be less as long as you are respectful and responsible in your posting.

[White Flower]

CS, you regret all of it. I feel for you, I really do. I think you can get through all of this without fear. Just give it to God and do your best to do the rest. One day at a time is all you're capable of doing so do that. I'm sorry HE made the decision to go home and tell his W, surprising you, only to go back to her. What a wishy-washy guy.

 

Hang in there and I wish you the best of luck. Oh, and I'm sorry there have been posters telling you what you already knew. I guess they didn't read the part that you already knew that. Redundancy is alive and well here at LS.

[tami-chan]

For me it was 500 posts but I hear it can be less as long as you are respectful and responsible in your posting.

 

 

500 hundred????? Jesus, that's a lot of "lols" for me. Thanks!

[White Flower]

500 hundred????? Jesus, that's a lot of "lols" for me. Thanks!

:laugh: LOL:laugh::laugh:. You can always leave short but sweet remarks in just about every forum.

[pelicanpreacher]

Screwed, you need to unscrew yourself, connect your head back with your azz again and get back into the game! You've shed yourself of an unhappy marriage and lost a fantasy turned nightmare so you have no further distractions or responsibilities in your life other than your children and yourself. Yes, the financial markets are tough right now and you'll have to work twice as hard as you did before but you have the knowledge and the capability of an earner so get your focus on and start making that money!

[nadiaj2727]

Hi OP. I think it's good that you realize you got yourself into this mess... that's the first step... now you are figuring out how to get yourself out of it. Good for you!! You can do it. Just stay far far away from MM because he's sleazy. You say you realize you love him more than yourself. Well, now just aim to love yourself. Nurture your hobbies, talents and interests, and treat yourself the way you know you deserve to be treated. Best wishes!