Adele. Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I was with MM for 3+ years. It was predominantly emotional, though we had made it physical on occasion. He told me the whole time he was going to leave her when he moved back to where he lives now. When he finally did arrive, he found that she was cheating, too. He decided that what was good for the goose was not good for the gander. He decided that he wanted to save his marriage after telling me how much he loved me, how he wanted me to have his babies, how I was his ONE I let him go. NC for over 7 months. Then, like an idiot, I emailed him one day thinking I was over it all. Thinking we could be friends. Quickly we picked up old habits…professions of love and plans made to meet for a romantic getaway. Then, a mere three weeks before we were to meet, he found out his wife was talking to her XMM, again. They fought about it, a physical altercation ensued, and he was arrested, though she was the one perpetrating the violence. He was cut, bruised, arrested and facing charges from the state. The wife wanted to have them dropped. But, the law in this particular state is if there is a call for domestic altercations, one of the people involved is going to jail…it is almost always the man. The state will pick up the charges if the victim tries to have them dropped. He was out of their familial home for over a week, during which time he would call and tell me how he loved me, that every time he told her he loved her he saw my face; that we were going to make this work and be together; that he was finally getting the divorce he knew he should have gotten years ago. 4 days after he returned home, he “changed” his mind; said that he wasn’t in a position to be anything but a friend to me. I asked him if he loved her. He told me that he loved his family. I told him he didn’t answer my question, and asked him again if he loved her. He said he wanted to. I told him that I could not believe what a fool I was to ever have believed him. I said “have a nice life” and hung up the phone. That was just over a week ago. I have not spoken to him since, and I have no intention of doing so However, I really want to send him an email telling him how ****ed up it is that he called me and told me everything I had ever been waiting to hear from him, only to turn around a few days later and change his mind. I am half tempted to tell his wife that he got pissed off at her for doing the exact same thing he was doing. I don’t think it should be so damn easy for him. Please advise me on what I should do. I am not able to think so clearly at this moment. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Wow....52 views and not one person had a comment. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I would be pissed off too if I were in your shoes. I don't think that you should contact him anymore, stay NC, for good. I understand you wanting to 'hurt' him by telling his wife because he hurt you. But, this isn't the way to heal. It will only cause more problems, imo. Did his wife know that he was cheating on her as well? Or did he just act like the victim to his wifes infidelity? I do agree that she should know if she doesn't but I don't feel 'you' are the one to bring it out in the open. Instead of thinking about 'what a jerk' he is for going back on his word, be thankful. You don't have to tolerate being with someone who is the way he is. And honestly, you don't know the whole story of their domestic altercation so again, be thankful that you're not with someone who is/was involved in those activites. I know, easier said than done but it's true. I hope you can keep your head up and try to look past this. 3 years is a long time but the rest of your life, so much more time.. you will get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Honestly? Stay out of it and away from them both. They both are messed up and have issues, many issues to deal with. Be GLAD he's out of your life! You can do better. Also, you are only hearing HIS side of the story, so who knows what the real truth is.. But, I will say this, he found out she was cheating on him and he RAN back to her - His actions never met his words, what he told you...He may have meant them in the heat of the moment, but when it came right down to it, his family is more important. Hate to say it, but you can't compete with his kids.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 You knew what he was like and yet you contacted him again to be what, friends?! You know you still had feelings for him. Leave him alone as he is obviously crazy in love with his wife and just keeping you around just 'in case'. Don't let him use you anymore. He is a liar and that's the only way he knows of getting what he shouldn't have. If he truly loved you he would have used his wife's affair as an excuse to leave her but instead he ran back. That should have told you everything you need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I know you are hurting, and that a piece of your heart is broken. Clearly, you should stop involving yourself in this marriage. Normally, I would say tell the wife - after all, this is her life, she should know what is happening in it. But in this case - do what is best for you and step far away. The sad part is that infidelity makes the OW/OM an unknown dynamic in a marriage. You become part of it by involving yourself with one partner. But you get only that partners words. In the end it is almost the OW who is thrown to the wolves...and left wondering why. Why? Because he lied to you. He lied to his wife. Maybe they have lied to each other - maybe they have not. It is possible his wife is being lied to and abused, thats why he was in jail. In your post, you go into great detail in how terrible his wife and marriage are. To be honest, even if true, those things have nothing to do with you - dont let the things he told you cloud your mind with what ifs. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 2 sure is right. Why did you trust him to begin with if you knew he was married and lying to his wife? Wasn't that a red flag for you regarding his integrity? Did the fact that he was married bother you when you decided to have a romantic relationship with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Assuming that even half of what he said was true and that she did get physically violent with him, I think you'd be unwise to contact her. She may hurt you. She sounds a loose cannon and truthfully they sound like they deserve each other. I realize you are very emotionally attached and bonded and all that but think about this for just a minute I understand the pull of "having babies with you" but do you really truly want to have CHILDREN with someone so flighty and emotionally unavailable/unstable? If you are hurting now imagine how devastated your future offspring would be to have a father that was only in their lives whenever it suited him. So if you are feeling weak and wanting to contact later (and you probably will) try to realize that you are really very lucky NOT to have him in your life. Trust me I was very very picky about who I married and he is an awesome father even during very difficult times. I kiss the ground daily about that, you cannot imagine what a huge difference it makes to have an involved good man you can depend on loving and BEING THERE for the kids you made together. Avoid this selfish man! Link to post Share on other sites
JetCityWoman Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I am new here and looking for answers myself. I wanted to know how you could stay 3 years+ and keep going back for more of this toxic relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Been in your shoes girl... (except the voilence part) "XMM unhappy in his marriage....finds out his wife is cheating...dumps me because of 'trust' issues-fast forward a year...we're back together...yadda yadda yadda" The NC is the best idea. None whatsoever. NO text, NO "how you doin'" - email it's too easy to fall back into the old patterns (as you know) He has lied to you, lied to his wife. Why would you want someone in your life like this ~ My XMM - thru mutual friends I find out he is basically a serial cheater. Who needs that in their life? YOU deserve better than that, We all deserve better than that. BTW: Being friends doesn't work either - been there too! Not worth the hassle. ...Especially if you still have feelings for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Adele, you invested three years in this man and trusted him each time he professed his love and future dreams to you. Of course you are hurting now because he has disappointed you and shown you what a waste of your time he was, and now its obvious you have no future with this man either. So -- I can't blame you for feeling he needs to suffer a little too, why just you, right? Yes, the only cards you hold right now are telling his wife on him. Hmmm now how could that play out? She could get so mad at him and leave him for good (a bit hypocritical of her right, since she's done the exact same thing). She could have a big fight with him, and then, get closer to him and have their marriage made Stronger, thanks to you helping them get truthful with each other! So -- What do you care about helping him with his stupid decisions in his life? What are your true motivations in wanting to tell W? Revenge? -- live well without him... Making him suffer? -- only for a short while, but honestly, he is only going to make himself suffer so let him take care of that himself. You may think he is 'getting away with it' but I don't think so... he is so screwed up that he will continue to suffer.... Your best bet is to get revenge by moving on and making a new happy life for yourself without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Did his wife know that he was cheating on her as well? Or did he just act like the victim to his wifes infidelity? I do agree that she should know if she doesn't but I don't feel 'you' are the one to bring it out in the open.. She knew of the initital relationship, but NO details. He told her only after he and I had split last May. He refused to answer any questions and she refused to answer his about her affair. She was totally unaware that he and I were in contact again, let alone with plans to see each other. Thanks everyone for yourwords and questions. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 By the way - You aren' a Fool...Like you thread says - You just got caught up in a situation. One that you are now trying to get out of. Time heals a lot of things ......... Like Athena said: Your best bet is to get revenge by moving on and making a new happy life for yourself without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 that every time he told her he loved her he saw my face; That right there would be enough for me to NOT want to be with this guy. He is telling his wife he loves her - and he is telling YOU that he is telling her that he loves her. YUCK. That said......you have a couple with domestic violence issues. Either she is violent, or he is. Either way, you would be a FOOL to want to be with a man who is violent and abusive OR to bait a woman who is violent and abusive. Either way, you stand an excellent chance of getting your a$$ kicked - or worse. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Wow, he was the total victim during that altercation, is that it? His wife beat him up and he didn't do a THING to deserve getting carted off to jail, is that right? Stop defending this crud and believing everything he tells you. They hauled his ass off to jail with good reason - wonder how many bruises and cuts his wife had? As usual, you're only hearing HIS side of the story and let's face it - the guy's a compulsive liar. He wouldn't know the truth if it were shoved up his ass with a snow plow. Take off the rose-colored glasses and see this jerk for what he is. And don't forget to look inward for the blame for this mess. You're the one who reached out to him with that phoney story about "I thought we could be friends." Who are you trying to convince - us, or yourself? Cause I ain't buying it. You went looking for trouble and you FOUND it. So blame yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Y ou stand an excellent chance of getting your a$$ kicked - or worse. You, obviously, don't know me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 You, obviously, have invested a lot in whole body armour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Obviously Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 You, obviously, don't know me. I take it this means that you are physically violent, too? Well, have at it, but you risk sharing a cell with his W! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Being deft in the art of self-defense is not a criminal act. All I am saying is I am not scared. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Being deft in the art of self-defense is not a criminal act. All I am saying is I am not scared. And all he is saying is that you have the option of being out of this situation and yet you persist knowing the risks. To do such IS foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Guy's a liar, Adele. This whole thing is tawdry. Why go this route with your life. There are plenty of men around. Stop thinking with your V. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 stop thinking with your v. lol!...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 And all he is saying is that you have the option of being out of this situation and yet you persist knowing the risks. To do such IS foolish. I don't think you know what you're talking about. I have not persisted in anything. I have not contacted him. I simply stated that I am not scared. That does not imply that I have moved forward with anything in regards to contacting either of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adele. Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Guy's a liar, Adele. This whole thing is tawdry. Why go this route with your life. There are plenty of men around. Stop thinking with your V. You're right, he is a liar. And, I am done with him. It was never my V-Jay-Jay that did the thinking, though. Unfortunately, it was my heart. But, I have come to the realization that he did do me a favor. I don't need someone like him in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
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