What's going on?

[sprinkles00]

1st time for me posting here and I'm curious for opinions on my situation, sorry the post is so long...

 

I started talking to this guy online over a year ago. He's a friend of a friend so he wasn't a completely random person. My friend said good things about him, and vice versa to him about me, so we felt comfortable being friends. He made sexual jokes every now and then, but I passed it off as just humor. He's got a very sarcastic personality, so he was never extremely warm, but not cruel either. He told me he had a serious GF but she didn't live with him.

 

Soon I flew out to his city to stay with a friend. I was turning 18 too. His attitude changed and he became very sweet. I turn 18 and he confesses how bad he wants me - that I was dangerous for being jailbait, he'd wanted me for months, fantasized about me, etc. I was kind of surprised throughout this ordeal but I thought it was genuine, and I had developed feelings for him too. We decide to meet up, and as you can imagine, it became a PA. (BTW, it didn't go farther than oral, he said I deserved better for my 1st time so we didn't go any farther and I didn't encourage him to.) I was only there for a week so we met up for only 2 days, and at the end of my trip he refused to swing by to say goodbye because he was too tired (he later said it was because he knew no good would come of it). This is when I realized what just happened. I had asked him several times while we were together in person about his GF, and he'd say she was at home or whatever. He didn't elaborate and he didn't seem bothered. From talking to him before, I assumed their relationship was crumbling..

 

I fly back home and ask if it was just a fling, and he said yes. I said I had feelings for him and he claims he didn't know and thought it was just a fling for me too, and that maybe if I was older, closer, and out of school it could've been different. He said he was sorry that he hurt me, he was in a serious R with his GF, etc... but he still wanted to be friends and hoped I'd forgive him. I say yes. Over 6 months now and I'm not over him, my feelings are just as strong as before. Thru the months, I asked questions for solace but he refused to answer anymore than he already had... but he would make comments about how great my oral skills are, encouraged me to send nude pics, etc.. He cut off all phone/txt contact with me so we only talk via email now. He said it'd be hard to explain why a single 18y/o girl is calling him. He gets busier with work (I know he's telling the truth about this, as some of his fellow employees are friends of mine too...), his emails become very very short, and I try to be his friend. He seems so uninterested in me, so I decide to say something.

 

I explain that I hadn't gotten over him, and I try to be a friend, but he's so distant and obviously uninterested that I feel like a fool, and it's not that I want him to be emailing me all the time but I'd like him to be a little nicer to me when he did email. He said he hated the fact that he bums me out, but says he's a workaholic, I expect too much from him, I'm needy, and straining our friendship with my insecurities. He says he really does care about me as a friend and he was sorry about what happened, it was an honest mistake, and thought I'd accepted his apology, but he was uncomfortable with me bringing up the past and if I kept mentioning it, we shouldn't talk anymore.

 

What's going on?? He's sending me mixed signals... I can understand not wanting to talk about it if he feels bad, but then why was he still giving me compliments about my "performance" etc? He's made it very clear that the affair is over - which I respect - but I'm curious as to why he's keeping me as a friend? He's not lying about being in love with me to keep me as side action, so maybe he really does want to be friends, but he still seems SO uninterested in me when I try to be friendly. What's going on here with all the mixed signals I'm getting?

 

FYI, I've got no prior R/sex experience... in fact he was 1st kiss,etc and I'm still a virgin... and he was fully aware of that. So I've got zero 1sthand knowledge and would really appreciate some kind of insight on what's happening... thanks

[bentnotbroken]

You are at the beginning of your life. Why ruin it with a low life friend of a friend. You had oral with someone you didn't know anything about. Not his background, his family, his plans, his personality or his hang ups. You don't just fly out, have a fling and move on. Sex isn't something you can play with and not have it affect the rest of your experiences. Be sure about what you are doing.

 

Know who you are and where you are headed. You played a dangerous game and yes, you can get std's from oral. Find a older person you trust and talk with them. There are lots of people on here having done things they regret who are much older than you, learn from our mistakes and slow down.

[sprinkles00]

^ Oh no I didn't mean that... I'm definitely no promiscuous person, I'm 18 and had never even had my first kiss. Things went so fast, I just didn't think it through. I didn't think about the consequences or what would happen afterward. I wouldn't say we were best friends, but we had been talking for 8 months when this happened. I know I wasn't very clear in my post about the time frame, but we weren't strangers who started chatting online and decided to meet up the next day or anything like that, just to clarify.

 

I have a LOT of feelings for this guy, but I respect his position and am not trying to pursue anything more than a friendship with him. I don't regret being with him, but I do regret the circumstances. I feel like a HORRIBLE person for getting wrapped up with someone who is already committed. And I would still like to be his friend... I just don't seem to understand why he's saying one thing and doing another, sending me mixed signals, etc... why is he asking me to stay around as a friend if his actions are saying otherwise?

 

I know I have a lot to learn, I'm not the wisest for sure... that's why I'm asking for help from people who do have similar experiences...

[bentnotbroken]

^ Oh no I didn't mean that... I'm definitely no promiscuous person, I'm 18 and had never even had my first kiss. Things went so fast, I just didn't think it through. I didn't think about the consequences or what would happen afterward. I wouldn't say we were best friends, but we had been talking for 8 months when this happened. I know I wasn't very clear in my post about the time frame, but we weren't strangers who started chatting online and decided to meet up the next day or anything like that, just to clarify.

 

I have a LOT of feelings for this guy, but I respect his position and am not trying to pursue anything more than a friendship with him. I don't regret being with him, but I do regret the circumstances. I feel like a HORRIBLE person for getting wrapped up with someone who is already committed. And I would still like to be his friend... I just don't seem to understand why he's saying one thing and doing another, sending me mixed signals, etc... why is he asking me to stay around as a friend if his actions are saying otherwise?

 

I know I have a lot to learn, I'm not the wisest for sure... that's why I'm asking for help from people who do have similar experiences...

 

 

I didn't think you were promiscuous. Sorry if it came out that way. I am concerned because you are a virgin. Virginity is a precious gift and a rarity in this day and age. Listen I have 2 children, one an adult and one in HS. It is something that most mothers want there child to do, protect themselves, not just form the physical but from the emotional. He isn't honest and he is game playing. I don't know his age, but it seems he is also very young and if not emotional immature.

 

Save yourself some heart ache. If he is lying and playing games with you, why would you want a friend like that. It speaks to basic human decency. If you can't trust your friends to do right by you(and their significant others), why include that type of drama in your life? There is too much out there to do and see, don't waste your time and energy on something that isn't worth spit you use to get gunk off your hands.

[sprinkles00]

I understand what you mean about the virginity issue. I definitely did not do this out of curiosity or anything like that, I did it out of feeling and affection. I would've never touched him if I didn't feel something strong for him. He's actually 20+ yrs my senior. I know how that sounds... but I do have serious feelings for him, and I'm trying to get over him since he's made it very clear there's no romantic future for us. And I respect his decision, and am not trying to pursue him romantically. I wish we could, but it's not going to happen. But it's still hard for me to understand, to accept, along with the mixed signals.

 

I know most people will say walk away, but I don't think I have the strength to do that. As frustrating as this is, I'm hoping the dust will settle as time goes by. I'm not ready to give up on him and a possible friendship with him.

 

BTW, thanks for responding...

[bentnotbroken]

Run now. A 38+ man has no business evening having a friendship with someone who just turned 18, he is a pedophile. He needs to have his penis peeled like a banana:mad: and you need to forget this. It is infataution even though it feels like the real thing. Find a nice guy your age, better yet, decide what you want in life and work towards that first. SSSheeessh 20+ years.

[Lucky_One]

A possible reason he brings up your BJ skills? You are a virgin, and nearly every guy I know (hmmm women too, for that matter) have a fantasy of being the one to lead and teach a novice into the art of lovemaking.

 

You are sort of like warm-blooded porn. He gets to think of you and remember you, and he gets a tingle in his pecker. "Oh yeah, I am so hot that I made this girl go down on me, and I am the master of guidance - I have made some future guy very happy with my patience and skill."

 

10-1 he's also a bit scared of you, in terms of your ability to keep your mouth shut and be discrete. Teenaged girls aren't know for being quiet and circumspect, and he has effectively cut off two forms of communication with you so that you won't get drunk one night and call his house crying to his GF.

 

And he seems to have ZERO interest in you being his friend. No offense - I don't have friends your age, bc teens tend to be very, well, teen-ish and we have vastly different life experiences and desires and topics of conversation.

 

Friends do friendly things. Friends don't hide their friendship from the people they love. Friends don't ignore each other. Friends don't cut off methods of contact.

 

Forget him. Honestly. He's a jerk, you are a child, and he SHOULD have his penis peeled like a banana.

[Athena]

I just don't seem to understand why he's saying one thing and doing another, sending me mixed signals, etc... why is he asking me to stay around as a friend if his actions are saying otherwise?

My take on this is that he is Saying he wants to be your friend, so you don't feel outright rejected and cause trouble for him (ever heard the saying... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?)

You already stated you have some friends in the office he works in, and a common friend who introduced you guys over email, so he knows in one instant you could tell your friends there, and get him into trouble!!! See -- if he appears to placate you by SAYING he is your friend, then YOU will believe him and ACT like a good friend, and not tell on him.. he is hoping that if he bides his time with you, you will eventually get the hint that he is not available for a further relationship with you (yes, not even as a pen-pal) and leave him alone.

 

He simply doesn't want to face up to the consequences of his actions... he didn't hesitate to take advantage of your naivety but wont stick around for any possible fall out -- he is a user.

 

Listen girl, despite what you see and hear about sex in the media, don't fall for that crap -- don't just get into sex now because you are 18! What is the hurry? All that will come with time.

Its a pity that you don't have older brothers to wisen you up to how men think and act -- you think they just want to befriend you, but they are sizing you up for a possible lay.

To bypass that, you should make your expectations clearly known from the get-go, "I need a committed relationship before I have sex. I don't do casual sex" then the users will buzz off elsewhere, and the decent guys will stick around for the few months to get to know you, before you commit to sex with them.

 

Damn, don't you have a father to talk to? a male cousin? nobody?!

 

You may believe you are very much in like with that 38 yr old idiot but you cannot see that he only used you and is trying to control you (ie do damage control) by telling you whatever he thinks it will take to keep you at bay.

 

Forget the creep for sure!!!!! Okay? Put it down to a learning curve. Protect your heart, mind, and your body.

[Athena]

He made sexual jokes every now and then, but I passed it off as just humor.

 

Sigh, I just had to come back to explain this other thing above.... When ANY guy makes inappropriate sexual references to you, it IS NOT JUST HUMOR!!!!! -- it is a man's way of "feeling you out" and checking where your boundaries lie!

 

See -- if you 'just pass it off as humor' then HE KNOWS HE CAN PROCEED with you.

Next time, nip it in the bud from the FIRST inappropriate sex talk, and say you don't like it, or don't reply so they get that they overstepped your boundaries.

[sprinkles00]

10-1 he's also a bit scared of you, in terms of your ability to keep your mouth shut and be discrete. Teenaged girls aren't know for being quiet and circumspect, and he has effectively cut off two forms of communication with you so that you won't get drunk one night and call his house crying to his GF.

I only have his cell phone number, and she doesn't live with him. I didn't see how his explanation for cutting me off from the phone really made sense... I mean he lives alone, he pays his own cell phone bill... who exactly does he even have to answer to? It's not like I would - or ever did - call him every moment of the day. We only talked a few times on the phone, we kept the rest to txts, IM's, and emails. And having to explain the phone was not a problem at the time the PA happened, his circumstances with his GF haven't changed (that I know of).

 

My take on this is that he is Saying he wants to be your friend, so you don't feel outright rejected and cause trouble for him (ever heard the saying... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?)

You already stated you have some friends in the office he works in, and a common friend who introduced you guys over email, so he knows in one instant you could tell your friends there, and get him into trouble!!! See -- if he appears to placate you by SAYING he is your friend, then YOU will believe him and ACT like a good friend, and not tell on him.. he is hoping that if he bides his time with you, you will eventually get the hint that he is not available for a further relationship with you (yes, not even as a pen-pal) and leave him alone.

I thought of this earlier on... asked him point blank if he only replied ever so often, checked on me every now and then, without any seeming interest, is it only because he's trying to keep me satisfied so I won't tell? He said I was thinking too much. Because of this, I have assured him that it's ok to just be honest with me, honesty is what I want, and no matter what it is I won't tell on him. I don't want him to walk on eggshells around me because it would only be hurting me worse. He's told me if I don't stop bringing up the PA, then we shouldn't talk anymore- why would he say that? I could have taken him up on that offer, telling everyone along the way. He's not afraid to tell me when I'm a pain in the ass and everything else... any of those things could potentially upset me enough to rat him out. But that's just not me, and he knows it.

 

As for leaving him alone... when I don't talk to him, he emails me. Why does he do this if he wants me to just fade away?

 

Listen girl, despite what you see and hear about sex in the media, don't fall for that crap -- don't just get into sex now because you are 18! What is the hurry? All that will come with time.

I wasn't rushing... I'm not desperate to lose my virginity (still haven't), and I wasn't attracted to him purely for sex.

 

Damn, don't you have a father to talk to? a male cousin? nobody?!

No...

 

Sigh, I just had to come back to explain this other thing above.... When ANY guy makes inappropriate sexual references to you, it IS NOT JUST HUMOR!!!!! -- it is a man's way of "feeling you out" and checking where your boundaries lie!

 

See -- if you 'just pass it off as humor' then HE KNOWS HE CAN PROCEED with you.

Next time, nip it in the bud from the FIRST inappropriate sex talk, and say you don't like it, or don't reply so they get that they overstepped your boundaries.

I have guy friends I've joked with such things about, without them ever having interest in me. Depends on someone's type of humor and comfort level I guess. All of his friends (that I know) have the same sense of humor, including the mutual friend. Though I do agree that in this case, he probably was testing out my reactions.

 

Thank you guys for taking the time to read and respond, I appreciate all your replies