fairyflower Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Hi everyone, I am a first time poster… I’ll try very hard to keep this succinct… I was in an EMR for 8 years (MM is 60s and I am a single OW 40s). We met at work fell in love deeply and saw each other pretty much everyday. We went on road trips… when he moved away (1500 miles) he wanted me to follow… I did. We were discovered by his W mid-summer last year. It was a devastating time for all of us (BTW my first A, his second, W doesn’t know about his first one). I chose NC without his knowledge and stayed completely away (no calls, email, TM, nothing). We have an FB site that we share our thoughts, feelings & pics on. He writes poetry to me… I would stop by to read and then leave (part of my grieving process and his feelings for me haven’t changed and that reassured me) – he didn’t know if I was visiting FB or not. Finally 4 months into our separation he left a note that I couldn’t ignore – it was so distressing to me that I had no choice but to respond. I wish that I hadn’t but I did… he confessed that it was used to hook me in… at any rate we started contact again, started sharing long letters composed of our longing for one another, that we miss each other, etc. I sent a few pics to him to show how I was doing (I’ve lost 25 lbs, let my hair long, etc… all for me as I wanted to heal from our situation and feel better about myself). Our correspondence continued and we got pretty hot and heavy. I decided to send some naughty pics one month ago, which pleased him very much. I’ll say right here and now that I wanted him back at the time. We eventually decided to do web cam meeting which happened very recently. We got hot and heavy right away. Then we got to talking (2 hours…). He says the M has improved. He is being more thoughtful, caring and attentive, their sex life (very conservative) resumed things were good. Of course this upset me, but I want him to be happy. Since I shared my pics with him he confessed he has been unable to perform… W got upset wants him to go on Viagra… Our conversation turned abruptly… I asked why are we meeting like this if you are staying in your M and you are happy? My place in your life is disrupting your M… I’m confused… Bringing this to his attention he wanted to know if we could continue sharing personal thoughts and feelings but no sex…. Before our conversation I thought for certain that he wanted to continue our A as before (getting together less often but that is ok with me). Turns out he’s confused and now through this conversation/meeting he wants to take a big step back and just be friends. I said “no” it’s all or nothing… in fact I said be with your W 100% and see how things evolve without me in your life – maybe you will both be very happy (BTW they aren’t in MC just reading self help books). Of course you can see that I’m hopeful their marriage won’t be successful. I’m very much in love with the man. But I also realize that if I have any influence at all (ie. Keeping contact) there will be no opportunity for them to work things out fully and I don’t want my presence in his life to be a reason for their breakup (if they do indeed breakup). MM indicates that he will never give up on us. He says he hopes we can get back together again one day??? See, this is where I get confused and need some help. I’m going NC – he says he never will – he says he wants to work things out with his W and yet his behaviour tells me there’s no way he’s fully committed. What is all of this about? He wants me as a backup plan (he says no way)? Wants his cake and eat it too? Wants whatever he can get from me on his ever changing terms? I’m so confused. Please someone provide me with some clarity. I’m hurting something fierce here but I know I will be ok over time… Thanks for taking the time to read. fairyflower Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 The bottom line is, he has chosen his wife/marriage over you, but, yet, you've chosen (and still choosing) to stick around to continue wrecking their marriage. That's just the simple truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 The old geezer(like me) is nuts and dishonest. You guys are hurting his wife(although she would be beter off without him). Sounds depressing as hell to me. Link to post Share on other sites
era Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Your post is extremely difficult to read without proper paragraphs and spacing (it affects how many responses you will receive)...... Stop assigning him blame points for your unhappiness. You're the result of the choices you've made in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I chose NC without his knowledge and stayed completely away (no calls, email, TM, nothing). We have an FB site that we share our thoughts, feelings & pics on. He writes poetry to me… I would stop by to read and then leave (part of my grieving process and his feelings for me haven’t changed and that reassured me) – he didn’t know if I was visiting FB or not. Finally 4 months into our separation he left a note that I couldn’t ignore – it was so distressing to me that I had no choice but to respond. I love it, really I do. That's rich. You 'chose NC but then you kept accessing this FB site... so, that's not actually NC is it? or it's a weird personally-=defined version of it. NC means exactly that. And the Bolded part is a prize-winner.... I had no choice but to respond. So, someone held a loaded and cocked gun to your temple and said: "answer it or else!" No - you just gave way to temptation. Always a choice, always. You chose wrong. I wish that I hadn’t but I did… he confessed that it was used to hook me in… Boy, you really are a pair, playing mind-games like this.... Thanks for taking the time to read. fairyflower Yes. it was difficult trawling through all that block-text, but I made it, after reading the same line 4 times..... Right, well, he has you both exactly where he wants you. Fun on both sides. Lucky devil! So, here we go... that old word 'Choice' again: Keep on doing what you're doing, and suck it up, or cut it all off, permanently, completely, totally and drop this once and for all. Hold a gun to your own head, and decide. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 He says he hopes we can get back together again one day??? Time to face REALITY. He's NOT going to leave his marriage and start all over alone - on his own - to have to do his own laundry, clean his own house, buy his own groceries and cook all his meals, and wipe his own ass. Men are babies when it comes to needing someone to provide all this for them - that's why they rarely leave. He also isn't going to cut his assets in half at HIS age, either - he doesn't have 30 or 40 years to recoup his loses and rebuild his fortune. You can continue providing free web-cam sex for the old fool, or tell him to go to a paid site where he can pay $2.99 a minute to watch "Bambi" get her freak on for him. Where's your sense of pride and dignity? You actually moved 1,500 miles away from your home to be near this geriatric lying crud when he relocated? Was it your life plan to forever be his dirty little secret, living in the shadows, following him all over the country, and accepting the crumbs he's been tossing at your feet for 8+ years? Some women manage to turn tossed crumbs into a 7-course dinner - I'll never figure that one out. It's not rocket science that you ADD an element of excitement and ego stroking to Father Time's life. Only an idiot wouldn't see that. That doesn't mean he's LEAVING and it doesn't mean you have a future with him. It means he's a selfish old pig who likes having a younger woman make him feel special while he CONTINUES TO STAY MARRIED TO HIS WIFE. Seriously, Fairy. Aim higher, will you? Or at least start charging this creep for your web-cam sex shows. The whole thing is utterly pitiful. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Fairflower... In a nutshell, he chooses his W over you. Its really that simple. Oh...he'll keep you around aright...its an amazing ego stroke to have a woman twenty years younger just pining for you. Sorry, but he won't leave no matter what. And if you get nasty and destroy their M, he will resent you for it AND still won't choose you. Move on. You NEVER had him nor do I think you WILL ever get him. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Unfortunatly I agree with MichelleS. This old guy more than likely isn't going to leave his wife. So if I were you... I'd go NC and move on. I don't think it does anybody any good to crucify you for being the OW... but you are still fairly young so you probably can have any man. Being single is a wonderful thing if you know how to place yourself in a position of power! That means .... no physical contact with guys. Screw that old geezer! You don't need him. I'm in my late 20's and one of my best friends is 40 and she is breathtakingly beautiful and looks like she could be 30. Sorry... not that you care... but just wanted to add that you aren't old... HE IS!!! His time is almost up... what are you doing with him! You have so much more ahead of you! I hate when old married men flirt with younger single girls... It's disgusting to me. They need to be at home fixing a cabinet or something! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I hate when old married men flirt with younger single girls... It's disgusting to me. They need to be at home fixing a cabinet or something! Doesn't it take two to tango? I don't think there is any moral high ground for either the cheater or the person that, knowing he's married, cheats with him. I don’t want my presence in his life to be a reason for their breakup (if they do indeed breakup). What a crock! You've slept with him, exchanged letters and more recently nude pictures and web cam videos and you don't want to be behind the break-up of his marriage? You have an interesting way of contributing to the stability of his relationship... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 The old geezer(like me) is nuts and dishonest. You guys are hurting his wife(although she would be beter off without him). Sounds depressing as hell to me. Hi Reg! Don't ask. Don't you think the MM and OW deserve each other? since wife is better off without him? What's "some day?" Isn't this guy like close to 100 years old? Yuk.OMG.... I tell ya this is a tough, tough crowd...! Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 If you do what you've always done you will continue to get what you've always gotten. Nothing!! He wants to keep a litlle something on the side. Kick his ass to the curb!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Doesn't it take two to tango? I don't think there is any moral high ground for either the cheater or the person that, knowing he's married, cheats with him. What a crock! You've slept with him, exchanged letters and more recently nude pictures and web cam videos and you don't want to be behind the break-up of his marriage? You have an interesting way of contributing to the stability of his relationship... Mr. Lucky Yes it does but there comes a time in a marriage that at a certain age... you gotta just hang it up!!! He shouldn't be out there flirting with anyone. For her... yes she is the OW but atleast she's the single one not cheating on anyone! It's the married people that took the vow and should be responsible for there OWN marriage. To me... the wife is dumber than the OW. Some of you are SO rude to people. Everyone is a human being and should be treated with the respect that we'd want to be treated with. I've noticed that people tend to be bias in their responses based on their own lives. Good advice is when people aren't judging someone! What is the purpose of crucifying her? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 For her... yes she is the OW but atleast she's the single one not cheating on anyone! Some really twisted logic here. Are you an OW? It's the married people that took the vow and should be responsible for there OWN marriage. True. But the OW intrudes into that M and as such SHE is partially RESPONSIBLE for the pain, especially if she KNOWS her man is married. To me... the wife is dumber than the OW. Some of you are SO rude to people. Everyone is a human being and should be treated with the respect that we'd want to be treated with.Um...you were saying about respect? Why do YOU feel the need to bash the innocent party...the BW (betrayed wife?) Her only crime is being cheated on and betrayed by her H and the poster. You are beginning to sound like a bitter OW whose MM dumped you and went back to the W. Yes? Good advice is when people aren't judging someone! Agreed. And you judge the BW for what reason? Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Some really twisted logic here. Are you an OW? Um...you were saying about respect? Why do YOU feel the need to bash the innocent party...the BW (betrayed wife?) Her only crime is being cheated on and betrayed by her H and the poster. You are beginning to sound like a bitter OW whose MM dumped you and went back to the W. Yes? Agreed. And you judge the BW for what reason? Ummmm YEA.. You are WAY off base. I am not an OW nor have I ever been! Don't assume stuff! With that being said.... since we don't know her or the husband or the wife... why bash the OW either???!!! Who said I was bashing the wife??? Cause I called her stupid? Yes... she is cause her husband is cheating!!! You are the one that sounds bitter... probably in your own marriage. Don't play with me cause I don't PLAY!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Ummmm YEA.. You are WAY off base. I am not an OW nor have I ever been! Don't assume stuff! With that being said.... since we don't know her or the husband or the wife... why bash the OW either???!!! Who said I was bashing the wife??? Cause I called her stupid? Yes... she is cause her husband is cheating!!! You are the one that sounds bitter... probably in your own marriage. Don't play with me cause I don't PLAY!!! Well...one more time I guess. You continually speak of respect and give none. Witness the BW. You call her stupid. Twice. Then you proceed to blame her for the actions of others. How is that respectful to the BW? And how do you explain your comments aimed at me? Is it respect for only cheaters? Respect only for you? Do you expect respect to be given when you give none? I do not understand your concept of respect. Kindly explain. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Yes it does but there comes a time in a marriage that at a certain age... you gotta just hang it up!!! He shouldn't be out there flirting with anyone. For her... yes she is the OW but atleast she's the single one not cheating on anyone! It's the married people that took the vow and should be responsible for there OWN marriage. To me... the wife is dumber than the OW. Some of you are SO rude to people. Everyone is a human being and should be treated with the respect that we'd want to be treated with. I've noticed that people tend to be bias in their responses based on their own lives. Good advice is when people aren't judging someone! What is the purpose of crucifying her? Huh??? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Hi Reg! Don't ask. Don't you think the MM and OW deserve each other? since wife is better off without him? OMG.... I tell ya this is a tough, tough crowd...! Yeah, but she better lay in a supply of Viagra.I'm buying stock in Pfizer. Go for it.:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairyflower Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Fairflower... In a nutshell, he chooses his W over you. Its really that simple. Oh...he'll keep you around aright...its an amazing ego stroke to have a woman twenty years younger just pining for you. Sorry, but he won't leave no matter what. And if you get nasty and destroy their M, he will resent you for it AND still won't choose you. Move on. You NEVER had him nor do I think you WILL ever get him. He may have chosen her over me, but he still continually comes back to me... I was with him for eight years and never asked him to leave his wife... what makes you think I'd go all postal over the situation now? I love the man - I've broken up with him (this past weekend) so that he can be with his W 100%... we'll see how that goes shall we... fairyflower Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairyflower Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Yeah, but she better lay in a supply of Viagra.I'm buying stock in Pfizer. Go for it.:bunny: I wouldn't bother Reggie... the guy is solid rock when he's with me fairyflower Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairyflower Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 If you do what you've always done you will continue to get what you've always gotten. Nothing!! He wants to keep a litlle something on the side. Kick his ass to the curb!!! Done! This past weekend... he's on his own 100%. I did it because no, I don't want to continue getting nothing... Thanks, sugarmomma for laying it to me straight - this is the kind of thing I need to hear - at least you're not judging me fairyflower Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Fairyflower its the only thing you can do. And it will take time for him to see what its like without you in his life. Could be months could be it takes a few years and he realizes he cant tough out the marriage. But in the meantime it frees you after you have time to greive, to move on. Either your paths will coincide or they wont. Either way you did the right thing. By staying in the A you give him no motivation to remember what his marriage is really like without someone on the outside (you) to meet the needs that arent being met in his marriage. He may decide that in his 60s its too difficult to make the change but you have the chance to move forward and find happiness with someone else, even if it doesnt feel that way today. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairyflower Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Fairyflower its the only thing you can do. And it will take time for him to see what its like without you in his life. Could be months could be it takes a few years and he realizes he cant tough out the marriage. But in the meantime it frees you after you have time to greive, to move on. Either your paths will coincide or they wont. Either way you did the right thing. By staying in the A you give him no motivation to remember what his marriage is really like without someone on the outside (you) to meet the needs that arent being met in his marriage. He may decide that in his 60s its too difficult to make the change but you have the chance to move forward and find happiness with someone else, even if it doesnt feel that way today. Hang in there. Thank you for all of your support JJ... I'm weeping even now but your words are a true comfort to me, thank you, thank you, thank you. fairyflower Link to post Share on other sites
willing Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 i'm just thinking that this guy doesn't actually love you. Yes, you love him, but as far as hes concerned, you have been there comforting his ego (and more) for the past 8 years, so no way is he gonna give you up! he doesn't feel the same as you do. Hell, he has his W and you, what an ego trip. Seems like he is sabotaging his marriage NOW because it was going just a wee bit too well for his liking -- hes got problems i think, like not wanting to be emotionally available for either his w, or you. So now he runs to you. sure he wants to keep you on the side as a 'friend' since you are still his ammunition (secret) against his w... this whole impotence thing for him is very clever -- using you against her. Are you going to help him? What you want, he cannot give you. He is incapable of it. See it. Own it -- you invested in damaged goods. Link to post Share on other sites
penumbra Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I agree with Willing. There is something fundamentally wrong with this man, as with all other serial cheaters. Already in his 60s, he is unlikely to own it or change it, now. But we can change ourselves. We also have our own damage, I think, to have entered into a relationship such as this. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 He may have chosen her over me, but he still continually comes back to me... I was with him for eight years and never asked him to leave his wife... what makes you think I'd go all postal over the situation now? I love the man - I've broken up with him (this past weekend) so that he can be with his W 100%... we'll see how that goes shall we... fairyflower Fairyflower, I purposely worded my post like that hoping you would see his choice. Of course he "still comes back to you"...on the side. Like willing said...your an ego stroke. The dirty little secret. Love isn't a secret. It isn't second place. Its not on the side. I know you love him but he DOES NOT love you. Per his choice. I hope you decide that you deserve better than table scraps. I hope you decide to find a man who chooses YOU. You deserve it. Best wishes... Link to post Share on other sites
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