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Everything Hit the Fan. Wife found out. He wants polyamorous relationship.


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First time posting here, please be gentle. Have been reading this forum off and on for six months but never had anything to post about my own situation, at least I didn't feel like I did... until now.

 

The affair started eight months ago. He and I work together. He's married; I'm single. It started as sexual but we began to spend a lot of time talking to one another in addition to having sex and within a couple of months I realized I was falling for him. We have spent the last several months seeing each other a couple of times a week, in addition to every day at work. We spend about one to two hours each day on the phone talking. He has gone out of town and I have visited him and spent several nights with him. He has expressed his love for me, but and has at times stated that he wishes that we could be "together" but due to his "situation" he can't be "with" me. He claims that the "spark" is gone in his marriage and that he wasn't happy until we began seeing each other. He's been unfaithful in his marriage multiple times and says he stays for the kids (one is about to go away to college and the other child is seven). Being with him has been a roller coaster ride for these past months. The physical aspect of our relationship is mind blowing and in addition to that I'm in love with him. He has expressed wishes for he and I to be together but he will not leave his wife because of the kids (he says). He admits that he wants us both (cake and eat it too). Our relationship at times is enough for me; at times it isn't. I have attempted to break it off with him twice and have dated other men in hopes of diverting my attention from him. That didn't work. I love him and need him like air. The holidays were very bad for me, as I'm sure anyone who's been in a similar situation can relate to. I tried to end it in January however my attempt at NC (such as it is, being that we work together) didn't last two weeks. We did try to be "friends" with no sex but failed at that as well. Two weeks ago, while he was out of town I was with him and he shared that he and his wife had not spoken in several days, which is a big deal for them. A few days later he got a call from her asking him if he was cheating on her. She got into his "other" email account and found numerous messages he and I have exchanged over the past eight months. During our "friends" experiment in January I emailed him a log of all of our text messages which she found as well, thousands of text messages going back to the beginning. She told him to stay away for a couple of days and then they would talk, so he stayed in a hotel once he got back to town. When he went back home, she went to a hotel. Then he tried to stay in the guest room ended back up in a hotel for another week. Friday he told me that he's going back home and is going to sleep in the spare room until they figure out what they are going to do. She's told him she wants to move out of their house, possibly relocating back to their hometown. He's looked at apartments but hasn't done anything until she tells him what she wants to do. She is asking him questions like why? Why can you open up to her like this and not to me? They have been through a lot in their marriage due to his unfaithfulness over the years (since almost the beginning, he's told me). They have had a threesome with another woman which he told me put the spark back in their sex life for a few months. She (in the past, according to what he's told me) has told him that if he wants another woman she just has to tell him and they will share the experience together. He and I talked in the beginning stages (before we'd had sex) about involving her but for whatever reason we went the other way and never looked back.

 

He does not want to lose his family but expressed to me that he does not think he can stop with me.

 

She sent me an email the day she accessed his account acknowledging that she knew about us and told me that soon I'd have all the time with him that I'd been wanting. That was my only contact from her, thankfully.

 

More background --- she use to work with us and she and I know each other although we were never on more than hi and bye terms. I saw her at a social function after he and I started talking, however we had not yet had sex. She and I did not talk, thankfully.

 

I don't really have anyone to talk to about what's going on. The two friends I am able to confide in think I'm crazy for starting, much less continuing this affair. They think his wife is going to kill me, kill him, or some similar tragic ending. My friends seem to think race is a factor; I'm white and he and his wife are black.

 

Friday he told me that we all three need to just sit down and talk. I was like WTF?????? I expressed my shock and dismay at the suggestion but he seems to think that something could work if we all wanted it. He says she would have likely "let" him "see me" if he'd asked in the beginning, and is somewhat optimistic that this situation can be salvaged.

 

Is he crazy? And yes, I know I'm crazy!

 

I have had "bi" experiences in the past with varying degrees of satisfaction.

 

At first I was completely aghast at his suggestion but I've been thinking about it all weekend and I must be delusional because I'm thinking that it might be something that could happen. I am very open minded and don't have any animosity for his wife and in all of the correspondence she found I can at least say that I never said anything negative about her. He's told me before that he wished that she and I could be friends, that she doesn't have anyone to confide in, keeps to herself. He seems to think we can have this endless Menages a Trois and be great friends and live happily ever after.

 

I'm anxious to see what comes of this. I cannot believe that she would be open to a three way relationship, but stranger things have happened.

 

I'm in my late 30's... they are in their mid 30's if that matters. We are all three reasonably attractive people.

 

I haven't said much about me here. When he and I started I had not been dating for several months. I was working a lot and going to school full time (still am). My son moved out in October, which probably contributed to my feelings over the holidays. I was perfectly happy before we started, doing my thing, not involved with anyone but I would go out with my friends usually one night a week and the fact that I wasn't dating was by choice. I was in an abusive relationship very young with my son's father and after getting out of that relationship I've had several long term relationships, have been engaged, but never found anyone I wanted to fully commit to, for whatever reason. In my 20's and early 30's I typically dated older men but now that I find myself getting older I'm just not that attracted to men 10 years older than I am anymore. When I go out, younger guys approach me (much younger) and I'm not really interested in that --- too weird, with my son being 23. I don't really know what I want, which is probably why I didn't hesitate before getting into this relationship / affair.

 

I feel like I'll be fine whatever happens, but I do know that going forward it will be very hard to NOT "see" him or talk to him if that turns out to be the verdict. I am not sure we can do it being in such close proximity to one another on an every day basis.

 

It feels good to be able to write all this down. Although I have two friends I confide in they are extremely judgemental of my lack of respect for his marriage. Going into it, I rationalized by telling myself that those were his vows not mine, and that we were just going to have sex anyway. I never intruded when he was at home and respected his time with his family, and for us that worked, until everything hit the fan.

 

Although I have shared most of the details about this affair with my 2 friends (who don't live in the same town, by the way), I don't think I could ever tell them about his suggestion, much less if it actually happens.

 

She may snap if he suggests it to her. Maybe not.

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What do YOU want? Do you think he is going to be faithful to you if and his wife divorce? or Search your heart (or more like, your head), do you think a "menage a trois" is sustainable? Do you think you will have equal treatment in that kind of relationship? At some point you are going to HAVE to draw the line somewhere, don't you think?

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bentnotbroken

Your friends must be married. He is a pig. He hasn't cared for her at all if he has cheated throughout their marriage. He isn't a man, he is a child pretending to be an adult. Completely disgusting.

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Move on!! Or Dump Him!

 

He's an a hole to think that he could have you both and be ok with it!

 

I agree with DesertMoon... what do YOU want??? Us women tend to lose ourselves in love. Search your heart! You don't deserve this!

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signedin2008

So, he has been cheating through out his marriage. Are you ever concern about STDs? Have you been tested? Why is your self-esteem so low and allow yourself to be treated like trash? You need to answer those questions either through deep soul searching or professional help.

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What do YOU want? Do you think he is going to be faithful to you if and his wife divorce? or Search your heart (or more like, your head), do you think a "menage a trois" is sustainable? Do you think you will have equal treatment in that kind of relationship? At some point you are going to HAVE to draw the line somewhere, don't you think?

 

I am not sure that he and I would even be together if they were to divorce, but in answer to your question I don't know that being faithful is something he's capable of based on what he's told me he's done during the scope of his marriage. I think that for some people it could work, although I'm not sure if an affair can be turned into a third in that kind of relationship.

 

Yes, I feel that there has to be a line somewhere ... I haven't reached it yet.

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Your friends must be married. He is a pig. He hasn't cared for her at all if he has cheated throughout their marriage. He isn't a man, he is a child pretending to be an adult. Completely disgusting.

 

Yes, they are married, and yes, he has cheated throughout their marriage from what he tells me -- consequences have been minimal. I believe that he does care for her, and the life they have together (kids, house, lifestyle) and he doesn't want to lose any of that.

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Move on!! Or Dump Him!

 

He's an a hole to think that he could have you both and be ok with it!

 

I agree with DesertMoon... what do YOU want??? Us women tend to lose ourselves in love. Search your heart! You don't deserve this!

 

I've been okay with it for this long. I don't want to lose him -- not yet. What do I want, beyond that? I don't know. I care for him deeply and if I don't deserve this, what do I deserve? I mean I went in knowing he was married, and although it wasn't my intent I fell for him. I can't turn those feelings off.

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bentnotbroken
Yes, they are married, and yes, he has cheated throughout their marriage from what he tells me -- consequences have been minimal. I believe that he does care for her, and the life they have together (kids, house, lifestyle) and he doesn't want to lose any of that.

 

 

So their "judgement" of you is because they have marriages they want to protect from similar actions by other women. He only knows love of himself.

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So, he has been cheating through out his marriage. Are you ever concern about STDs? Have you been tested? Why is your self-esteem so low and allow yourself to be treated like trash? You need to answer those questions either through deep soul searching or professional help.

 

 

We've both been tested -- all clear. I don't feel that I've been treated like trash, and I don't think my self-esteem is low -- I know I could find someone single, to date, and eventually get serious with, but because my heart is with him right now and he is what I desire right now I am not interested in that.

 

I listened to my friends in January and went to a counselor because they convinced me something was wrong with me, if I was happy with the "arrangement" he and I have. The counselor pretty much told me that my relationship with him might be just what I need right now, although it is considered "wrong". She did not encourage me to end it, but rather just talked me through my feelings about it.

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I've been okay with it for this long. I don't want to lose him -- not yet. What do I want, beyond that? I don't know. I care for him deeply and if I don't deserve this, what do I deserve? I mean I went in knowing he was married, and although it wasn't my intent I fell for him. I can't turn those feelings off.

 

Ok... normally I hate when people cyber-bully people but I am going to sound really mean here.... Girl... you've got to have really low self esteem to accept this. To even ask yourself... what do you deserve... is just crazy! You should know what you deserve. Every woman who respects herself knows what she deserves. And she knows what she would and wouldn't stand for. Are you so blinded by lust that you would accept any behavior from him?

 

I understand that you have feelings for him but that doesn't mean that you have to stand for his BS.

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White Flower

Scarlett,

 

Your guy is a serial cheater. He is what he is YET he has been up front about that with you. At least he knows who he is and owns up to it. Most serial cheaters do not.

 

Most serial cheaters GET OFF on getting away with an A. Your guy had a chance to tell his W beforehand and chose not to, belying the fact that he likes the secrecy. However, he is now willing to put this whole thing on the table and who knows? It could just work if you could all handle it. I'm just concerned that he likes the secrecy part of an A too much and may eventually revert back to it. I believe, sadly, that he will if he is not already cheating on both you and his wife. Unbelievable, I know. But so often true.

 

Your story reminds me of one of my friends who attempted a relationship like this. She partook in threesomes with the M couple and even played around a bit with the W in bed while the H was out of town to keep it alive. Eventually my friend fell in love with the H which was a breech of contract and the threesome A had to come to an end. The H wanted badly to leave the W for the OW but who in God's name would give up a W who lets her H play like that?

 

Not too many, so remember that.

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So their "judgement" of you is because they have marriages they want to protect from similar actions by other women. He only knows love of himself.

 

They have both been unfaithful themselves.

 

I think they were worried about me catching feelings for him and getting my heart broken. Then as the relationship continued one of them really started to become worried that I'd end up with the wife coming after me and doing me harm.

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Ok... normally I hate when people cyber-bully people but I am going to sound really mean here.... Girl... you've got to have really low self esteem to accept this. To even ask yourself... what do you deserve... is just crazy! You should know what you deserve. Every woman who respects herself knows what she deserves. And she knows what she would and wouldn't stand for. Are you so blinded by lust that you would accept any behavior from him?

 

I understand that you have feelings for him but that doesn't mean that you have to stand for his BS.

 

 

When I asked what do I deserve, I was trying to communicate that I do not feel that he's been dishonest with me or done anything to hurt me.... or done anything to me that I didn't ask for. I could have more with someone else -- that doesn't mean I want it right now.

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bentnotbroken
They have both been unfaithful themselves.

 

I think they were worried about me catching feelings for him and getting my heart broken. Then as the relationship continued one of them really started to become worried that I'd end up with the wife coming after me and doing me harm.

 

 

:eek:Wow, what's the point of being married? If I were you I wouldn't be so much worried about the wife as her friends and family.

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Sounds like a win-win for this guy, and you get to watch him having sex with his wife.

 

Wouldn't work for me, but my heart tends to get very caught up in what my body does.

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Scarlett,

 

Your guy is a serial cheater. He is what he is YET he has been up front about that with you. At least he knows who he is and owns up to it. Most serial cheaters do not.

 

Most serial cheaters GET OFF on getting away with an A. Your guy had a chance to tell his W beforehand and chose not to, belying the fact that he likes the secrecy. However, he is now willing to put this whole thing on the table and who knows? It could just work if you could all handle it. I'm just concerned that he likes the secrecy part of an A too much and may eventually revert back to it. I believe, sadly, that he will if he is not already cheating on both you and his wife. Unbelievable, I know. But so often true.

 

Your story reminds me of one of my friends who attempted a relationship like this. She partook in threesomes with the M couple and even played around a bit with the W in bed while the H was out of town to keep it alive. Eventually my friend fell in love with the H which was a breech of contract and the threesome A had to come to an end. The H wanted badly to leave the W for the OW but who in God's name would give up a W who lets her H play like that?

 

Not too many, so remember that.

 

Very thought provoking...

 

I am already in love with him but it's not a jealous or possessive kind of love. And if she read all of the emails as I'm pretty sure she did she's seen our feelings expressed numerous times throughout these months.

 

I know it may not seem "normal" for me to feel this way but I actually liked our situation and found it as fulfilling as relationships I've been in with single men.

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you are in a horrible, horrible pickle, my dear, and it's only going to get worse, and the fact that he's married is the least of it.

 

this man is an emotional and sexual vampire, only interested in finding victims to feed on. The red flags are what you've written:

 

• They have been through a lot in their marriage due to his unfaithfulness over the years (since almost the beginning, he's told me). If he doesn't want to give up his marriage for the sake of the kids, why the hell is he screwing around so much?

 

• They have had a threesome with another woman which he told me put the spark back in their sex life for a few months. For who? Him? His wife? If the shxt hit the fan because she discovered your affair, that tells me she's not happy with his screwing around, and he's lying about her being a willing party to the polyamory OR the affairs.

 

• She (in the past, according to what he's told me) has told him that if he wants another woman she just has to tell him and they will share the experience together. He and I talked in the beginning stages (before we'd had sex) about involving her but for whatever reason we went the other way and never looked back. So far, it's been HIS version of what is "okay" in their marriage, interestingly enough, there has been no input from his wife except to kick him out.

 

some of the other stuff you've posted are red flags, too, but at this point, I'm hoping you get the point: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, NOR HAS IT EVER BEEN, NOR WILL IT BE.

 

it's about a man who knows he can get away with doing these things because no one will stand up to him, because there's the unsaid threat of losing him. In my book, that's abuse in the form of bullying. Do you really and truly want to gain a life partner like this, and by these means? Different strokes for different folks, and all that jazz, but honey, you're being pooped on with your permission.

 

and you deserve way better than that. Otherwise, you'll just be forced to live in the gutter with someone who has no morals.

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When I asked what do I deserve, I was trying to communicate that I do not feel that he's been dishonest with me or done anything to hurt me.... or done anything to me that I didn't ask for. I could have more with someone else -- that doesn't mean I want it right now.

 

It doesn't matter... for you to accept this from him is ludacris. Even if he HAS been honest with you. Some men do this all the time thinking that just because they are 'Honest' that everything is ok. It's what keeps them sane. It's what keeps them from feeling bad about themselves.

 

I have so many guy friends who talk about things like this. Just the other day one of my guy friends was talking about a girl he cheated with and he laughed and said "she actually thought that I was just going to transfer her over into the married or g/f status because we've been effing... why would I do that when she let me hit and knew I was already attached??" This is just an example to you of how some men think. He's not thinking of you... he's only thinking of himself.

 

What I am trying to tell you in the nicest way is that you are worth so much more than this.

 

And the wife... that's another story. If I were her... he'd be LONG gone!

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:eek:Wow, what's the point of being married? If I were you I wouldn't be so much worried about the wife as her friends and family.

 

I ask myself the same thing... what IS the point of being married?

Maybe I'm just jaded but I've seen so many of my friends going through the trauma of a marriage falling apart, or staying in it for financial reasons way past the end.

 

Her friends and family are few and far between. Not an issue.

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...and you deserve way better than that. Otherwise, you'll just be forced to live in the gutter with someone who has no morals.

 

Maybe she does not deserve anything better or more...maybe she will realize this is what she is worth of...<shrug>

 

Good Luck, Scarlett!

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Her friends and family are few and far between. Not an issue.

 

How handy that you know her so well.

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• They have been through a lot in their marriage due to his unfaithfulness over the years (since almost the beginning, he's told me). If he doesn't want to give up his marriage for the sake of the kids, why the hell is he screwing around so much?

 

• They have had a threesome with another woman which he told me put the spark back in their sex life for a few months. For who? Him? His wife? If the shxt hit the fan because she discovered your affair, that tells me she's not happy with his screwing around, and he's lying about her being a willing party to the polyamory OR the affairs.

 

• She (in the past, according to what he's told me) has told him that if he wants another woman she just has to tell him and they will share the experience together. He and I talked in the beginning stages (before we'd had sex) about involving her but for whatever reason we went the other way and never looked back. So far, it's been HIS version of what is "okay" in their marriage, interestingly enough, there has been no input from his wife except to kick him out.

 

Do you really and truly want to gain a life partner like this, and by these means? Different strokes for different folks, and all that jazz, but honey, you're being pooped on with your permission.

 

and you deserve way better than that. Otherwise, you'll just be forced to live in the gutter with someone who has no morals.

 

I appreciate your input. I think the problem for her, and this is my assumption, is that he's sneaking around, the betrayal. She told him he could have other women, that they would do it together, and rather than take her up on that, he's having sex with and opening up emotionally to another woman.

 

No I am not sure I want a life partner at all, much less like this.

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How handy that you know her so well.

 

You're right, that should have read from what I know that isn't an issue.

She has one sibling that lives out of town, from what I know, and no close relationships with other women.

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signedin2008

I listened to my friends in January and went to a counselor because they convinced me something was wrong with me, if I was happy with the "arrangement" he and I have. The counselor pretty much told me that my relationship with him might be just what I need right now, although it is considered "wrong". She did not encourage me to end it, but rather just talked me through my feelings about it.

 

 

There are tons of counselors out there and not everyone of them are good. Some of them have certain hidden motive because they are cheaters or mistress/OM themselves.

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