jayden Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 He hasn't told me, but I've been reading his emails and found the email below. Lately he's been telling me the stress is because court is coming up, but I know different. He's stressed trying to come up with some new lie of how to weasel his way out of our 3 year relationship. I cannot believe this is happening, and yet he still calls me telling me he loves me and is willing to go house shopping with me. I just want to tell his wife so bad, but I'm afraid of what he'll do to me if I do. The sad part is, I don't know how much more proof I need- to know that we're not meant to be together, because I'm still unable to just walk away. How do I do it? Do I slap the email in his face? He'll just turn the tables on me and make me feel guilty for snooping. Do I wait to see if he'll ever finally tell me the truth? He's been lying for 3 years. I doubt that'll ever happen. I want him to know that I KNOW, but how? I don't want to walk away silently and give him the satisfaction of thinking he won at this game... What does everyone think? ----, Just so you know, I talked to --- tonight and he said that there is no need for another court date as your lawyer can withdraw your petition on Monday. It is of ----'s opinion that your lawyer is trying to draw out the process as much as possible. ---- stated that a petitioner can withdraw a petition at any time; that there is no need to continue it. I will say that if you have reservations about withdrawing the petition, do what you think is best for you. I love you and and would never do anything to harm you or the boys in any way. But I cannot live in limbo forever. I am looking so forward to moving forward with you. I am dedicated to you and if you are as well, which I totally believe you are, then I know we will be fine. Please call me if I haven't communicated very well or if I need to clarify something. Bottom line, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you if you want to do the same with me. Love, ---- Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Exactly what is it you are expecting from this mess? 3 years, he is married, he hasn't left, and you are snooping like a wife would. You are now in the position you wanted to be in. The wife's. He lied to her, now he is lying to you. He looked for excuses with her, now he is looking for them with you. She was suspicious because she knew he was lying to her, and now you are suspicious because he is lying to you. So again I ask, what is it you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jayden Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Wow. I never looked at it that way. This is exactly what I want. Words of wisdom that I can't figure out on my own because I'm emotionally involved. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 What do you want? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 bottom line is - even if you have him - you don't really have him. when his heart is still with her - there is no way for you to be involved. i agree with bent, and i think in order to start healing for YOU, to walk away would be best. there's no reason to explain it to him. he already knows. your actions of walking away will show him what your intentions are. to have a conversation is wasted words when he's not really involved with you anyway. his heart is with her. there is a reason you were snooping, you already knew the truth. now that you know the truth - are you willing to settle for crumbs again or walk away with the opportunity to find an honest man to share a happy life with you? and what is the truth in you dating this MM... here you say 3 years and last October you stated just over 1 year??? what's the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 but I'm afraid of what he'll do to me if I do. Like what? THAT is NO way to live....who would ever want that... plus a cheater?????..... unless you think it's just about you.... BIG MISTAKE. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 and what is the truth in you dating this MM... here you say 3 years and last October you stated just over 1 year??? what's the truth? While I completely agree with your advice, her post was written in October of 2007, not 2008. So it would still be going on almost three years. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Sounds to me like his wife is the one who filed for divorce. It also sounds like she is not so sure she wants him back and hasn't made a decision yet. Sure he is telling you he loves you because if she decides that she is better off without him, he needs a place to go. You are his back up. He is in the "begging his wife to take him back" stage and if she doesn't, then you can have him until he finds a new woman to take the place of his wife. And then you will be the OW again. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jayden Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Thanks Treasa. It has been almost 3 years. We started dating in September of 06. So yes, while my other post was just over a year, we're currently on about 2.5 years so I rounded up to 3. Everyone is making some very good points. I'm not sure how many of you have been in similar situations, but I have so many days where I feel like everything is so much easier said than done. I honestly don't know why I let this continue. My head is where it's supposed to be, but my heart is not. Once I let my emotions get the best of me, it's all over and I'm back to square one. bentnotbroken, I want to be happy. Ideally, I want things to be like they were, without the wife in the picture. herenow- you are correct. She is the one that filed. She filed back in July. Since then, he's taken a turn for the worst. It seems like he's constantly up her butt trying to get her to change her mind, which is apparent in this email. And it's obvious she's willing to try if he's coaching her on how to withdraw the petition. The thing that BLOWS my mind is... he's not even distancing himself from me. He's still telling me the same crap he's telling her in these emails, so sometimes I wonder which one of us he really is BS'ing. Either way, he's a liar and a cheat and I know I don't want that. I don't know. I know all this stuff but I don't understand why it's so hard for me to just walk away. Sorry for rambling. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Thanks Treasa. It has been almost 3 years. We started dating in September of 06. So yes, while my other post was just over a year, we're currently on about 2.5 years so I rounded up to 3. 3 years and nothing has changed? And nothing will. He has had plenty of time...think about it...three years and the situation hasn't changed.... Question: Why do YOU think the situation has NOT changed? Once I let my emotions get the best of me, it's all over and I'm back to square one.Then don't LET them rule YOU. Perhaps you should avoid situations where that is likely...and I'm guessing this happens around your MM...so... herenow- you are correct. She is the one that filed. She filed back in July. Since then, he's taken a turn for the worst. It seems like he's constantly up her butt trying to get her to change her mindAnd what does that tell YOU about where YOU stand in his life priorities? The thing that BLOWS my mind is... he's not even distancing himself from me. He's still telling me the same crap he's telling her in these emails, so sometimes I wonder which one of us he really is BS'ing. Either way, he's a liar and a cheat and I know I don't want that. I'm guessing if he told you he really loved his W and wanted to try and reconcile...you wouldn't be having wild chimpanzee sex with him. I bet HE knows that too... ...I know all this stuff but I don't understand why it's so hard for me to just walk away. Sorry for rambling. You're human. Its frightening to let go and be "alone". But you NEVER had him. You were always alone. My advice...kick the lying cheating SoB to the curb, say a thank you to the Religion of choice and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Did his wife know about you? The right thing to do is tell his wife about him so you and she can both make an informed decision instead of being lied to and betrayed into making a decision without all the facts. You, as a mistress, have the ethical responsibility, for once now, to inform the betrayed spouse what's really going on. Do the right thing at the last page of this chapter of your life....tell his wife. You would want to know if you were in her shoes! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Never, ever tell the wife. Why would you want to create unnecessary pain and heartbreak for so many people. Just move on. Enough pain has been dished out already...why involve innocent people? Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Never, ever tell the wife. Why would you want to create unnecessary pain and heartbreak for so many people. Just move on. Enough pain has been dished out already...why involve innocent people? A little too late for that, don't you think. His wife is being made a fool continuously....untill she is fully aware what's going on and be able to make an informed decision. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Never, ever tell the wife. Why would you want to create unnecessary pain and heartbreak for so many people. Just move on. Enough pain has been dished out already...why involve innocent people? Well, if his wife isn't aware of what her H is doing, she is already being hurt and doesn't even know it. At least if she knows, she will have the chance to make her own decision and she may not want to be married to a man who cheats on her. Don't you think the innocent deserve to know the truth about their own lives? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Well, if his wife isn't aware of what her H is doing, she is already being hurt and doesn't even know it. At least if she knows, she will have the chance to make her own decision and she may not want to be married to a man who cheats on her. Don't you think the innocent deserve to know the truth about their own lives? Every circumstance is different. I think the majority of the time if the OW gives the H the option of not telling the wife he will keep his thing in his pants everymore. If that happens, I think all is well and lessons learned. Because I'm out of my element in this field of relationships, I shall depart and no longer participate. This stuff makes me very uncomfortable anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 What would I do in this situation? Walk away and tell him why. There are children involved as well. I would tell him I read his emails and know his W is reconsidering her divorce petition and that our affair is OVER. Period. This guy knows that he is still married until the ink is dry on the divorce paperwork. And he doesn't want that. He wants his family back and is treating you like a back up option. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 What does everyone think? ----, Just so you know, I talked to --- tonight and he said that there is no need for another court date as your lawyer can withdraw your petition on Monday. It is of ----'s opinion that your lawyer is trying to draw out the process as much as possible. ---- stated that a petitioner can withdraw a petition at any time; that there is no need to continue it. I will say that if you have reservations about withdrawing the petition, do what you think is best for you. I love you and and would never do anything to harm you or the boys in any way. But I cannot live in limbo forever. I am looking so forward to moving forward with you. I am dedicated to you and if you are as well, which I totally believe you are, then I know we will be fine. Please call me if I haven't communicated very well or if I need to clarify something. Bottom line, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you if you want to do the same with me. Love, ---- Jayden, I think your guy is a serial cheater. I think he will always need an 'anchor' at home and a distraction on the side. You need to move out of the sadness zone and into the anger zone. Confront him as if you just read this email today. He does not get to gaslight two different women. If he wants to have his cake and eat it too then let him tell both of you what his intentions are like Scarlett's MM in her thread. When he stated that he was dedicated to her I just wanted to slap him. Under what conditions is he dedicated? If and only if he can keep the OW on the side? Or will he dump you like a hot potato as soon as she withdraws her petition? I would sit them both down and ask him in front of her. Dang, all the while he is promising to go house hunting with you. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 When he stated that he was dedicated to her I just wanted to slap him. Under what conditions is he dedicated? And I wonder if she knows that when he assures her of his dedication, that he is also, in the meantime, loving and living with OW ?! OP -- perhaps you could let her know the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
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