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ex coming back to the scene after 4 years


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I wrote in this forum more than 2 years ago being the OW, long and short after the affair which was about 4 months, he went back to his wife, they were together for about 1 year and then, they decided to seperate and get divorced. he came back looking for me and said he wanted to be with me, but it wasn't easy. I knew he felt badly about hurting his ex, though he loved me he also wanted the transition for her to be as least painful as it could be. The first year of seperation there was a lot of bitterness, but gradually they were able to get past it and become friends, meanwhile I was ok with it...I think it was a tough situation. Both of us got closer, I know he was still getting over his divorce, I didn't stress him out or make too many demands in terms of moving in together , getting married etc..we lived seperately but saw each other almost everyday, we divided our time between each other,s apartments we travelled all over , our famlies got to know each other..we had developed our own circle of friends etc..and we seemed happy..we were trying to have a child, nothing too crazy ..but it wasn't happening. A year ago his college going son had a minor operation in his knee and was staying at his place and his ex wife went over everyday to look into him ..during this time..she asked him for a reconciliation, he refused and said he was with me and our families had met and we wanted to have a future together. She was very upset, but he calmed her down, didn't want a scene with the son in the house..long and short that three weeks ..he ended up sleeping with her..one thing led to another..she moved three blocks away from him. Initially for two months I didn't notice anything, he seemed the same, then one day he broke down and said he was very confused and needed time to himself..kept hugging me and telling me he loved me and it wasn't my fault..I was so confused. Later I realised what happened, one day I caught him going away for a ski trip with her for the weekend

 

I was shocked they had been seperated and divorced for three years. I told him if he wanted to work it out with her again to go ahead, at first he was defensive and later he said ...he needed her. I said hurt pissed and said fine go to her and leave me alone, he came back within 2 weeks bravado all gone, and said she kept coming to his place with pretext of wanting to borrow something or the other , or asking him to join her when her famliy came down to town..he couldn't refuseher , but swore I was the one he loved, he felt for the sake of his son.. obligated to be good to her. All our plans to be together took a back seat. I left him, but everytime he will come back and swear he wouldn't see her again, and so far he has been good for almost 5 months..we been together every weekend , almost everyday, if I am not with him he makes it a point to make sure I know where he is and he is reachable anytime, I never asked him, he does it volunatarily..we went on holiday together. ..again we seem so so happy together

 

Then she starts up again few weeks ago, of some famliy friends from Spain being in town and wants to have dinner with him and their son, he asked if he could go, I was pissed but said ok..I checked his email (I was tired) she had been trying to get him to go sking again..he was polite but said no..then he went for a competition with her brother a week ago and when he came back , he knew the following weekend I was going to be busy in the city and invited her to go sking for the weekend with him

 

I confronted him, he denied it and then finally said it wasn't what I thought, it was me he loved ..couldn't live without, I was his partner best friend, only lover.etc....I cut him short- so why the weekend with her at a bed and breakfast? Couldn't answer me/ I left the apartment, he tried to stop me but I left..I was crying but I didn't say much

 

I dn't know if I am losing my mind, but I really feel he does love me maybe I am imagining it..from the emails going back and forth to his ex, I get the sense they are just reliving something famliar but with no intention of getting back....By the way she knows I am with him and he told she found it funny now she is the OW

 

Anyway he ended up going with his ex, for the weekend (Feb 28th -March 1)..I haven't heard from him since. I told him in January there will be no more chances, he has to make up his mind

 

He reassured me at that time, in every possible loving way and gesture that his ex was his ex and did things that made it seem he was seriously contemplating a future together it seemed he had finally made up his mind and then this. Why did they get divorced , they had time to work it out, why the test drive now , with me as the buffer zone. If he can't why doesn't he just leave me go back to her..and if she isn't the one look for someone else the interim..she will always be around for his needs

 

I know I have to leave him..it has been 4 years. I would say as a couple we are good together, not perfect but overall good chemistry and understanding for each other, not to be simplistic but he really is on the ball and so together when she isn't around..but he has deteriorated so much, with all this..I have tried leaving and letting them both deal with it but he keeps coming back..maybe not this time

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Do you really want to be the doormat here?

 

Break it off then start dating someone else as quickly as you can. He'll either come running back or you'll start meeting other people.

 

HE HAS TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR MOVING ON. Remember, we humans always value most what we just can't have.

 

Either way .... you can keep your self esteem

 

Good luck.

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Geishawhelk
(...)I would say as a couple we are good together, not perfect but overall good chemistry and understanding for each other, not to be simplistic but he really is on the ball and so together when she isn't around..but he has deteriorated so much, with all this..I have tried leaving and letting them both deal with it but he keeps coming back..maybe not this time

 

Bold parts?

 

It's Bull.

All of it, but those bits particularly.

It's utter bull.

 

How many times are you going to let this weak, spineless indecisive jerk stab you through the heart?

Until it resembles chopped liver?

getting there...

 

Actually, he has it made.

 

two of you, vying for his attention, and two beds to sleep in, two women wanting him, two women at his beck and call.,

 

Because as a manipulated wimp - he's not doing too bad at yanking your chains, is he?

 

Ferchrissakes, Be decisive.

Do it.

Shut him off, get rid of him, call his bluff and kick him to the kerb.

 

let her have him.

She had him before and.... actually, she never really stopped having him, and you are still the OW.

Even if they're divorced, it's only on paper.

like a marriage.....

 

It's actions, speaking louder than words again.

 

So you're still the OW.

 

Now, how does that feel?

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Bold parts?

 

 

How many times are you going to let this weak, spineless indecisive jerk stab you through the heart?

 

 

two of you, vying for his attention, and two beds to sleep in, two women wanting him, two women at his beck and call.,

 

 

Wow .... try not to make it sound so attractive ... you're not trying to sell this to other men Geisha ....... After all .... all of us men are dogs at heart.

 

Listen to the G ... she is wise.

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Geishawhelk

Not all men are like this.

 

My man is not like this.

 

Just weak, spineless indecisive jerks are like this....

 

And I'm afraid what's happening is that fundamenally, the bottom like is - that he's letting his loins rule his head.

 

Were this NOT the case - he wouldn't keep sleeping with her, would he?

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Oh G ... if you only knew the secret thoughts of men.

 

You'd shoot them all.

 

I'm not like that either, and men like us don't appreciate men who do treat their women like this.

 

But all men have thought about it.

 

The real difference is not that this guy is thinking with the little head instead of the big head. The real difference is that that some men, thankfully yours included, are capable of loving someone MORE than themselves.

 

This is the most selfish, uncaring, unloving, loathsome action that anyone could visit upon someone they claim to love. He has NO excuse and frankly, a short meaningful relationship with Lorraina Bobbet would be too good for him.

 

She can get him back, and I'd be happy to continue to offer advice on how to accomplish that, but only by reserving judgement on WHY she would want him back after he treated her like so much doggie doo to be scraped off the bottom of his shoe.

 

That, dear G, is something only she can choose.

 

Thankfully, there are women like you in the world to provide that perspective for her .... and I would advise her to heed your advice.

 

The G is wise (with no sarcasm implied or intended.) and I would also say that I truly appreciate the advice you gave me in my first thread here. It's the reason I still hang around this forum.

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bentnotbroken

Wow cheating with his ex, I am shocked that he would cheat:rolleyes:.

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Wow cheating with his ex, I am shocked that he would cheat:rolleyes:.

 

Troll ..... do you have helpful advice, or just short judgements to make her feel like crap?

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Thanks Flash , Geisha ...I knew I would get a good shaking up here, and reality check....I know I have been making excuses for a while and burying my head in the sand...nothing like seeing it proclaimed in back and white. Wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!!! Sarcasm was expected , but I think I was curious from a man's point of view .... I grew up my whole life in a fairly sheltered famliy all women, school college women...only when I came to this country I was exposed to the different culture..took a while to figure things out...but I think love and human nature are pretty universal.

 

No I am not interested in having him back, I am too worn out, to be honest. Just needed the re-enforcement from unbiased view point...though I think no one is really unbiased. But advice, and the good licking appreciated ;)

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Mans point of view here.

 

Your man is NOT worth keeping.

 

BNB is right...we shouldn't be too surprised at his cheating on you. And its a red flag you willingly overlooked. Lesson learned (don't trust a man who has PROVEN to be a cunning liar and cheat).

 

Your man has internal issues he hasn't faced. About himself. About the dissolution of his M. About you. And he will NEVER face them. I can guess that because, well, he cheated on you. Which strongly suggests he doesn't like doing the "Dirty work" of relationships or in examining himself and his failures. So he can be better.

 

So he ISN'T better...the same lying cheating weasel.

 

No one can force him to examine his life and his choices. Only he can do that. But he chooses the easy way...run. Hide. Cheat.

 

Call this a lesson learned and move on. You won't of course.

 

Just be prepared for his next A.

 

My .02

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Thanks JW, I appreciate the 2 cents, worth a lot more :)... his behaviour is consistent with what you say..being here helps tear down my blinkers..and stop hiding too and facing up to things

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bentnotbroken
Troll ..... do you have helpful advice, or just short judgements to make her feel like crap?

 

 

Troll with over 3, 000 post:lmao: It isn't my job to make her feel better. I stated what I saw, take it or leave it. :lmao:

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He is a good guy in other respects, he loves you. He loves her.

He is unable to decide , unable to pick one of you to really commit to.

Its wrong, but after all of this time, its pretty clear that this is a flaw in his nature that he cannot or will not change. He just is not going to decide to not have both you in his life , intimately in his life. He doesnt feel like he is "cheating" . Call it narcisism , selfishness, weakness, or not wanting to be the bad guy to anyone...he just isnt strong enough or empathetic enough to do the right thing.

 

Every one has flaws, and this is his. Its up to you if you can live with this .

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2sure.....thank you, calm collected voice in a group that have good intentions for the most part but different methods of conveying it :rolleyes:

 

Most people find it very easy to villify him and me in this situation, loathsome, loretta Bobbit victim ...doormat etc...everyone comes from a different angle, that is why I say there is no unbiased opinion here.

 

But it helps to organise ones thoughts, both the negative and positive comments

 

He is not a saint..but he is not that callous either. From the start he said he loved both of us, he is a lucky and unlucky man. You are right he can't choose, Geisha thinks it's bull what i described- but it's true when we are together, we are so happy..I can't tell you how many times people have come up to us, just strangers in restaurants, parties ..travelling even on the street and say we make a great couple, they feel the happiness.

 

He loves her too, no doubt about that.

 

It maybe a flaw but it is what it is..but I am tired. He does what he can to try and make everyone happy in his mind, and lets us deal with the consequences..he doesn't want to choose. But I can, I know what I have to do in my heart, advice guides you and helps you cope ..but like some people pointed it out , it's up to me ..I already did the first step today

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Chrome Barracuda

He cheated on her, he'll cheat on you too.

 

simple as that, why are you so surprised? Was all that cheating really worth it? You gotta remember you are no victim you associated with him destroying his marriage, His ex might just want to do the same with your R.

 

But hey this is what you chosen, the more you sit on the fence and cry and pout and moan about it, the less get's done. Now is the time for action.

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Yes looking back ....actually it was worth it....

 

I don't remember calling myself a victim or forgetting my role in this very dramatically put part of "destroying" his marriage, and yes even the ex has a sense of humor calling herself the OW now...and perhaps she may want to break up the relationship, but she doesn't strike me as vindictive...she misses him and doing what she can to be close to him

 

Yes I think I already said I have done the first step of getting off the fence "crying pouting and moaning " before you put your post

 

And yes we have all heard that mantra...he cheated on her , he will cheat on you. It's the stock answer, written in stone.

 

The point here is he is going back and forth with his ex and me, maybe not a big difference in most people's eyes...but I happen to think there is, you are of course entitled to your opinion. That is why there is a forum

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Chrome Barracuda

Hmmm the cheating was worth it??? OKAY!

 

you are very defensive, when there is nothing to defend. lol.

 

So I guess it's worth it if he'll sleep with her and then come back and stick you down as well?

 

Like I said this is what you have chosen...

 

Are you gonna stay or are you gonna go? Your initial post made it sound like you was crying about it but you caused this situation in the first place.

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You are very eloquent I must say, in trying to get your points across so ..."visually".

 

Refreshing.

 

I am not defensive....I have been through a lot and seen so much in my line of work..somethings which others take for granted or considered garbage maybe worth it and bring much happiness for someone else..even if you can't hold on to it forever.

 

Look at this site, so many forget those moments of happiness, only the anger and bitterness and pain surfaces all the time

 

Why is it so surprising to you? That people fall in love. Have you not experienced it ? Or did someone cheat on you?

 

I think in this case all three of us were responsible for the situation in varying degrees ..you seem to want to make the MW the victim and the OW the villian by default

 

Yes it is what I chose and I have accepted the consequences and came here to read the views of others.

 

I have chosen to go abroad for a year, by accepting a job offer that has been on the table for a while, so I will leave him.

 

Any other questions?

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Chrome Barracuda

Yes thank you i am very eloquent in my delivery.

 

I know happiness. but bitterness is hard to get through when you have no apologies, no reconking, no sense of feeling that i need the apology.

 

I'm not saying the MW was the victim but when you are actively the OW no matter how you slice it, what is the perception of that reality. You was not rescuing him from a bad marriage. It was his choice to cheat as it was your choice to go along with it.

 

He cant make up his mind because he doesnt want to. He enjoys having two women.

 

I'm glad you are removing yourself from the toxic situation. I do have some sympathies for people that are in these situations believe it or not. You need to find a man without a checkered past and a clean slate. You need a man who can be faithful to just one woman and you can start fresh and be a new woman who can start over and do things the right way. Messing with some woman's husband is plain wrong arent you worth more than that?

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I think the reason there is no apology and personally I think it is hurtful and wrong not to give one ..is because sometimes the perception is falling in love is considered beyond ones control and something everyone feels entitled to experience, regardless of circumstances, some don't act on it and it remains a feeling inside..because of promises and vows made..others act on it and feel they are not doing something wrong by following their heart, apologising makes it seem what they are doing is wrong...sometimes you need the apology to forgive them.

 

Yes it was his choice to cheat and I was the other woman, I wasn't on a rescue mission when it happened..it just happened.

 

He may enjoy two of us...but I don't think he is playing out a teenage wet dream..he has been affected by this, he can't make his mind but I think he wishes he could.

We both are grown women too remember..not his victims.

 

She can have him back anytime if she chooses .and he chooses to do the same ...I am not stopping them, I dont go after him and drag him back to my den..I have told him so many times to follow his heart..

 

I don't have a problem with self worth at all...shocking as it may seem. My worth is not calculated by the presence or absence of a man in my life or any of society's moral barometers. I follow my own counsel, that is why I was given a brain, sometimes I screw up and I seek the help of others, but have the wisdom of knowing what to follow and what to leave aside..I accept I am human will make mistakes and hope to learn from them, but I am not going to keep beating myself over it

 

I think you are right it will be nice to start fresh...with a clean slate etc....a faithful man would be good too.

 

Your well intentioned wishes are appreciated

 

Good night

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IfWishesWereHorses

Troll ..... do you have helpful advice, or just short judgements to make her feel like crap?

 

Flash... you can bet that someone with over 3000 posts is not a troll... especially compared to your 30 something. Lay off.

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Well talking about making me feel crap..what did Flash say ....something about me being made to feel like doggy poo being scrapped from his (the bf) heel.

 

Everyone loves to drive home the point with graphic visuals...or some snap one liners....it is upto the one posting the thread to put away the ones that resonate and can help with the problem.

 

Then there is always the question of quantity over quality..but for that another thread..lol

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it seems like the original poster may have left the thread or didnt have the stomache for criticism....

 

But for her, and for other OW I wanted to add:

 

It seems like when OW leave an affair, often ...

It isnt because they have realized the A is wrong, or because they are tired of hurting, or waiting

 

Ultimately it is they , the OW, who just get bored with the whole MM calling the shots, being all me me me, with not being able to go out, etc.

 

First these things are problems to overcome, then they are just more of the same , and then it is boring, and then she leaves. Just gets done with it.

 

I dont know if any advice here for OW ever really works. When affairs end (without intervention) it is because for OW, it has run its course.

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