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My significantly older MM


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justblameitonme

I just found this forum and was both relieved and sad to see that there are so many others who find themselves loving a MM. I find myself utterly lost at times when it comes to my MM. I'm hoping maybe someone here has something that will shed some light on it. Here goes....

 

"Guy" (lets just call him that) and I met through an online social networking site. We were both looking for friends and clicked through email immediately. He claimed to be 35 and single, I found out quickly that he was actually 47. I didnt mind that he was much older than I (I'm 28). We emailed for weeks and then started text messaging, constantly. I would light up everytime my phone rang, immensely disappointed when it wasnt him. The phone calls followed soon after. I knew the first time I talked to him that I was getting in deep. The butterflies, the sweaty palms, the racing heart, the way I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. He's all I could think about.

 

We kept trying to make plans to meet and they kept falling through for one reason or another. We live 5 hours away from each other. One day he would tell me that he cant wait to hold me and the next he insisted that "we" would never work. He finally confessed that he was married. He told me that he couldnt be with me unless I knew and that's why he kept putting off meeting me. I went through with the meeting anyway. This man had made me feel incredible up to this point and I had to see him, married or not.

 

It was incredible. We met, we talked, we laughed for hours. There was never an awkward moment between us. I felt completely comfortable and at ease with him. I fell in love. He says he fell in love too.

 

It's so hard being so far from him. He still consumes my thoughts and I'm still crazy about him. Recently he asked me to move to his hometown, where he lives with his wife. I haven't given him an answer yet. My lease is up at the end of the month. Why would he ask me to do such a thing? Does he want to get caught? Does he love me that much? We don't talk much about his wife. He says that their marriage has been strained ever since his grown children appeared back in his life 7 years ago. (A whole other story)

 

I love this man with everything I have. I honestly believe that he feels the same. I don't know what to do. If you want to reply just to hate on me, please save yourself the time. I'm aware of the odds and cliches. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. He'll string me along. I'm a worthless homewrecker and I'm going to hell.

 

I guess I'm looking for constructive criticism, opinions, thoughts or advice.

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I love this man with everything I have. I honestly believe that he feels the same.

 

Since you are attempting something that is so very difficult, and giving up a good piece of your life , you should have expectations.

 

You believe that he loves you. Does he? In asking you to move your life to be closer to him...has he told you what to expect? Does he plan on leaving his wife and when?

 

If so, then the best thing for both of you to do is wait for him to leave his wife before beginning your life together. If you uproot your life now and he changes nothing - you have expectations but he does not.

 

If he isnt going to leave his wife - your moving will change your life in major ways - but for him, will only mean you are a more conveniently located OW.

 

If you have not both openly and honestly discussed your expectations of the move, what it means, and the immediate future...then you might want to re-evaluate this "relationship". If you can and have discussed it, what actions are being taken - other than words - to meet the expectations?

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This guy can't even be honest with you about something as simple as his age and you believe that he loves you. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but this guy is a liar at best. Be careful is all I have to say.

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Man, BOY is this guy lucky.

 

He went fishing with some lame bait and actually caught a fish!

 

And now he is reeling it in.

 

I am always amazed at the amount of MM that LIE upfront and are discovered to be LIARS that STILL get to keep the OW.

 

Just.....amazing.

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whichwayisup

I'm agreeing with NID 100% .

 

Wow..This "guy" has lied to you, over and over again and you still are considering moving to be with him, in hopes that he'll leave his wife and kids for you?

 

If you want an affair, to be the OW, go for it. Move..Because that's what you're going to be to him, the woman on the side who will meet his sexual and fantasy needs.

 

If he truly loved you and wanted you to be his wife don't you think he'd be in the midst of divorcing his wife and making custody arrangements? This "guy" is so full of crap, yet whatever he's pulling on you is working..So why should he stop? He's got you exactly where he wants ya..

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whichwayisup
Don't you feel you deserve someone who isn't a liar and a cheat?

 

My thoughts exactly. The problem is, she's built this man up to be more or less perfect, even though he's lied to her more than once..She has no real idea of WHO he truly is, and this guy will just keep on lying to her, feeding her feelings until she hops a plane and moves to be with him.

 

Question - Your avatar says how miserable you are, yet happy. If you plan on being the OW, get ready for the rollercoaster ride..This WILL be your life if you choose this path.

 

Something to think about - How will your family and friends react to you moving to be with a MM? Are you going to tell them what's been going on and what he's said to you?

 

Can you face your friends and family knowing that you'll be helping this guy cheat and betray his wife and children? OR do you really believe he is leaving them for you..Someone he met online and really doesn't know well either?

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I'm curious about this guy's history...He is 47(actually same age as me)....has children from a first marriage....is married now...

 

How many times has he been married?

 

Does he have young children from this current marriage?

 

I'm going to take a wild guess and say his estrangement from his grown children related to an affair and maybe even his current wife was that mistress.....How correct am I? If I'm wrong then what was the rift between his kids and him?

 

Wishing you the best....this sounds like the potential to be very dramatic and stressful for you.

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Humm.. I am an OW myself.. and I'm NOT against A.. but in this case, I have to say that I honestly think that this guy will break your heart..

 

He wants you to move closer so he can see you a lot more.. is this good.. yep.. for him.. is this good.. for you.. not at all.. because he will only have an A with you..

 

I very much doubt he will leave his W for you.. he just want you to be conveniently closer..

 

But again.. I could be wrong.. we are ALL assuming stuff on this board.. so you have to live and learn .. no one can do the mistakes FOR you.. :o

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A realtionship with this guy may be a bad idea. I can't put my finger on exactly what is bothering me about this. But, it's something.:bunny::bunny::bunny:

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White Flower

OW here as well. At least my exMM never asked me to move for him. He never lied about his age and he never hooked me in the beginning with the idea he was single. If he wants you so badly, let him move closer to you. Don't make anything easy for this guy.

 

This reminds me of...who was it? Lookingforward? If not, I'm sorry, but there was an OW on this site you moved far away to be with her MM after he left his W. I think not even a week went by and he went back home.

 

I wouldn't move for him.

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I'm a fOW, too (now M to my fMM) so I'm also not speaking from any lofty perch of condemnation. But I do share the concerns others have voiced here. The age gap doesn't faze me - I've had lovers older than me by more than your 19 year gap - but it does bug me that he was unable / unwilling to be upfront about that and his marital status. He wanted to present himself as someone or something else, even if he couldn't sustain it. How much else of the persona he has presented to you is invented? How much are you prepared to risk in finding out?

 

WF has referred you to LF's threads, but I think reading imstunned's story might shed more light. Her MM invented a whole other existence to string her along.

 

You're being asked to move closer - what costs will this bring you, and what benefits (aside from the dubious benefit of proximity to the MM)? What sacrifices is he offering to make reciprocally, to make things easier for you? What demands have you made of him, and how has he responded to those - or is the demand all one way?

 

If you're going into this with open eyes, happy to be the OW on the side while he continues his happy married life much as before, that's fine - but if you're expecting more to come of this, then I think you need to do some serious stocktaking here and conduct a proper cost-benefit analysis and a rigorous risk analysis.

 

Yes these situations can work out, but only if the R is equal and both parties are giving as well as taking. From what you've presented, I've seen little evidence of that here. Perhaps you're happy with that, but if you're not, I'd advise you to bail before you become more invested and have more to lose than you do now.

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DId you say you met in person ONCE? ONCE?

 

And based on that incredible one meeting and time logged on the internet and the phone you are moving?

 

Even if he was single CRAZY idea.

 

But add the fact that hes married and has lied to you numerous times.

 

You really need to find someone who knows you and loves you to shake some sense into you.

 

Apologies that was unkind. Why not try an LDR and see if it holds? go stay for a weekend where he lives see what its like being there see how you like the arrangement and how much progress he is making in "leaving". Or not leaving if you are OK with that.

 

If you spend a few weekends there you may feel a lot differently about what it would be like being the OW in a new place where you dont have your friends and family around you and have to start a whole new life for yourself.

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Dexter Morgan

I love this man with everything I have. I honestly believe that he feels the same. I don't know what to do. If you want to reply just to hate on me, please save yourself the time. I'm aware of the odds and cliches. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. He'll string me along. I'm a worthless homewrecker and I'm going to hell.

 

You summed it up pretty well yourself. But nothing anyone can say will be worse than what will happen to you by being in an affair with a MM who won't leave his wife.

 

 

I guess I'm looking for constructive criticism, opinions, thoughts or advice.

 

What kind of advice are you looking for? How to further your relationship with a married man? How to get him to leave his wife and kids for you?

 

What is it you want?

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White Flower
but it does bug me that he was unable / unwilling to be upfront about [his age] and his marital status. He wanted to present himself as someone or something else, even if he couldn't sustain it. How much else of the persona he has presented to you is invented? How much are you prepared to risk in finding out?

 

It is very audacious, actually. He KNEW he would have to eventually tell you the truth. I believe this is a test on his part; that if you ACCEPT this lie, you will eventually accept all his other BS. Smooth move.

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bentnotbroken
It is very audacious, actually. He KNEW he would have to eventually tell you the truth. I believe this is a test on his part; that if you ACCEPT this lie, you will eventually accept all his other BS. Smooth move.

Absolutely true. Spoon feed her first and then shovel it big time.

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White Flower
Absolutely true. Spoon feed her first and then shovel it big time.

Good comparison.

 

<twists beard in evil manner> 'Hmm, if I can get a woman to FORGIVE this lie in advance, what ELSE can I get her to forgive? All I need is a forgiving woman. Hmm.'

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bentnotbroken
Good comparison.

 

<twists beard in evil manner> 'Hmm, if I can get a woman to FORGIVE this lie in advance, what ELSE can I get her to forgive? All I need is a forgiving woman. Hmm.'

 

{I found one and she's a beaut. Evil Laugh}

 

He's a prick.

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Maybe the OP is perfectly happy being a kept OW? Sort of depends on her expectations as to what the best advice is.

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White Flower
Maybe the OP is perfectly happy being a kept OW? Sort of depends on her expectations as to what the best advice is.

This could be true; if she is getting ALL that she needs and wants then she is fine.

 

I just don't like the way he set it all up.

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Are you sure you love this man? How can you love someone that you have only met once? Or do you love "the idea" of him?

 

If he really loves you, why should he be asking you to move closer to him? Shouldn't where you live be determined by you and no one else? And if he truly loves you, shouldn't he be supportive with all your decisions regardless?

 

Like JJ said, try a LDR, try weekends and hols. Try it for size, see if you like what you see before buying the product. At least then you have an escape clause handy.

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justblameitonme

mmmm mmmm mmmm.

 

I appreciate everyone's responses. To clarify a couple things, we have spent time together on more than one occassion. As far as expectations, I'm not asking this man to leave his wife and don't plan to. He is not the first MM I've had a R with and I'm well aware that very few MM ever leave their wives.

 

I also don't have any plans of relocating to his town. As wonderful and loving (and yes, chock-full-of-lies) as our relationship has been thus far, I'm too skeptical to leave behind the familiar comforts of home and friends for a MM.

 

He has asked me to spend a couple weeks working with him (out-of-state) and who am I to turn down a paying job. I also see it as an opportunity to see more of what he really is. Honestly, how much can you learn about someone over the phone and during sporadic stolen weekends?

 

Perhaps I was a little premature in saying that I love this man with everything I have. lol. Arent' the first 3-6 months the best though? That warm, butterflies in the stomach, can't stop grinning, sweetest thing, make other people wanna yack feeling.

 

He's apologized profusely for his initial deception. He's either genuinely sorry or an incredibly talented liar. The jury is still out on that one and I am far more cautious to take his word as truth now.

 

Perhaps the romance will fizzle when the butterflies have left. Perhaps it will grow stronger. One never knows for sure. I guess for now I'll just enjoy the ride.

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I'm curious about this guy's history...He is 47(actually same age as me)....has children from a first marriage....is married now...

 

How many times has he been married?

 

Does he have young children from this current marriage?

 

I'm going to take a wild guess and say his estrangement from his grown children related to an affair and maybe even his current wife was that mistress.....How correct am I? If I'm wrong then what was the rift between his kids and him?

 

Wishing you the best....this sounds like the potential to be very dramatic and stressful for you.

 

I'd like to hear the answer to this question?

 

Although, the chances are very high that MM has lied about this, too; it takes a while for the truth to come out in habitual liars.

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I just found this forum and was both relieved and sad to see that there are so many others who find themselves loving a MM. I find myself utterly lost at times when it comes to my MM. I'm hoping maybe someone here has something that will shed some light on it. Here goes....

 

"Guy" (lets just call him that) and I met through an online social networking site. We were both looking for friends and clicked through email immediately. He claimed to be 35 and single, I found out quickly that he was actually 47. I didnt mind that he was much older than I (I'm 28). We emailed for weeks and then started text messaging, constantly. I would light up everytime my phone rang, immensely disappointed when it wasnt him. The phone calls followed soon after. I knew the first time I talked to him that I was getting in deep. The butterflies, the sweaty palms, the racing heart, the way I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. He's all I could think about.

 

We kept trying to make plans to meet and they kept falling through for one reason or another. We live 5 hours away from each other. One day he would tell me that he cant wait to hold me and the next he insisted that "we" would never work. He finally confessed that he was married. He told me that he couldnt be with me unless I knew and that's why he kept putting off meeting me. I went through with the meeting anyway. This man had made me feel incredible up to this point and I had to see him, married or not.

 

It was incredible. We met, we talked, we laughed for hours. There was never an awkward moment between us. I felt completely comfortable and at ease with him. I fell in love. He says he fell in love too.

 

It's so hard being so far from him. He still consumes my thoughts and I'm still crazy about him. Recently he asked me to move to his hometown, where he lives with his wife. I haven't given him an answer yet. My lease is up at the end of the month. Why would he ask me to do such a thing? Does he want to get caught? Does he love me that much? We don't talk much about his wife. He says that their marriage has been strained ever since his grown children appeared back in his life 7 years ago. (A whole other story)

 

I love this man with everything I have. I honestly believe that he feels the same. I don't know what to do. If you want to reply just to hate on me, please save yourself the time. I'm aware of the odds and cliches. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. He'll string me along. I'm a worthless homewrecker and I'm going to hell.

 

I guess I'm looking for constructive criticism, opinions, thoughts or advice.

 

I know it's none of my business, but I'm just curious - where you raised with your dad and did you have a good relationship with him?

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mmmm mmmm mmmm.

 

I appreciate everyone's responses. To clarify a couple things, we have spent time together on more than one occassion. As far as expectations, I'm not asking this man to leave his wife and don't plan to. He is not the first MM I've had a R with and I'm well aware that very few MM ever leave their wives.

 

I also don't have any plans of relocating to his town. As wonderful and loving (and yes, chock-full-of-lies) as our relationship has been thus far, I'm too skeptical to leave behind the familiar comforts of home and friends for a MM.

 

He has asked me to spend a couple weeks working with him (out-of-state) and who am I to turn down a paying job. I also see it as an opportunity to see more of what he really is. Honestly, how much can you learn about someone over the phone and during sporadic stolen weekends?

 

Perhaps I was a little premature in saying that I love this man with everything I have. lol. Arent' the first 3-6 months the best though? That warm, butterflies in the stomach, can't stop grinning, sweetest thing, make other people wanna yack feeling.

 

He's apologized profusely for his initial deception. He's either genuinely sorry or an incredibly talented liar. The jury is still out on that one and I am far more cautious to take his word as truth now.

 

Perhaps the romance will fizzle when the butterflies have left. Perhaps it will grow stronger. One never knows for sure. I guess for now I'll just enjoy the ride.

 

 

But yet you are willing to ruin another woman's life for your own selfish reasons. Oh what goes around does come around and you can bet this will be coming back your way.

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