Jump to content

I am married, a friend trying to get close


Recommended Posts

Dear all,

 

I never thought I would have to come to a forum of this sort for help, at least not after having been married happily for the past 3 years. Me and my husband presently live in different continents since the last four months, and we are fondly looking forward to coming closer after six or seven more months. We talk over the phone regularly, and are emotionally very close, may be more than when we were together. But since I was in a new land, without any friends, and stay all alone, I was open to new friendships. I ofcourse got quite a few friends, out of which was a neighbour, friendly, matured, but a single young man. Now it happend that I was a bit worried over his many friendly gestures, and talked it over with my husband, and he ensured me it was ok. Everything went on fine. Then one day I was very mentally stressed with a family problem, which I couldn't share with my husband, who's tarvelling a lot presently,and i simply ended up talking to this friend of mine. He was going to a night club, and i decided to accompany him, just for forgetting my problems. The enivornment made him sensuos and he wanted me to dance intimately. I wasn't really interested but joined in indifferently, after a few negations and persuasions. That night kept him awake and the next day he took a step further and took me into his arms and wanted to kiss me when we were together in my apartment. It was ofcourse not welcome and i took control of the situation and sent him away. He felt guilty and apologized, and we later talked it over, that we should only be good friends. We are lonely, and enjoy each others company. I would not like to loose a friend just for a moment's weakness. But is it wise to try to make the relationship platonic? Will it ever work? I told him we would rather meet out of doors and in public, will that help?

 

Looking for your advice....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think i should be more honest. I am actually thinking about the whole thing more than I should. And yes, he has also told me that if i were not married, he would surely have gone much further. and i am actually afraid of the point where my i would go weak at my knees... but i am so lonely, and don't want to loose a close friend. we tried talking it over yesterday, and i didn't ofcourse tell him about my weakness or my thoughts. i showed him a brave face.. but should we spend time together? can we still be friends... please reply to my thread if you feel it worth it..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't fool yourself. He does not want friendship he wants physical relationship under the guise of friendship. You have the rest of your life to think about, don't let these hard times screw you over in the long run. Get rid of him, he is not a friend..........he is a threat. Right now you are strong and able to deny him but what is gonna happen if you start to feel lonely? What happens if one day you are drunk and you have a fight with your H? These are just two of many possible scenarios that your "friendship" could turn physical. Good luck and remember its not up to this guy, don't let him fool you

Link to post
Share on other sites

He knows you are lonely even if you don't show it. Make a girlfriend, preferably one that is older and married. While your H is gone do not go out and party. Shield yourself because this is your life you are messing with. I know you are not partying, Im just trying to warn you. As a guy I can tell you he does not want to be your friend, he wants to f*** you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with the above poster...this guy will go as far as you let him...friends like this you don't need. Find some good female friends instead.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Even worse than the two of you being tempted is that you haven't told your husband about this.

What this means is that you have something with the other man secret from your husband.... that is so dangerous.

 

Firstly, you have to tell your husband the truth. Secondly, if you MAKE IT 100% CLEAR TO OM THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE THAN FRIENDS and he Still Wants you as a friend, then fine.... I think as long as it is clear that there is no way you will do anything more than that, it might work out.

But, honestly, you need to confide in your husband if you don't want this to cause an emotional distancing between the two of you. And a breach of trust.

 

Can you do this?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sands_of_time

I agree. OP--double down on all of the above advice. Most of us guys want one thing and that's what's in your pants (it is what it is...we were made this way).

 

But...we everyone has the ability to practice integrity. He doesn't have the integrity to back off of a married woman so set the example for you both. Show him what it is to have integrity.

 

Do you have it in you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

thanks for your advice. i understand. but i still can't think that he is actually that bad, for he not only helps me but also others, in times of need. i am in a totally different part of the world, away from home and family. he is also from a similar cultural and national background. he 'says' he is trying to get over with this, and he is also thinking of marriage within the next few months. could i just stay away for a few weeks, and see if things get as they were. or would it be foolish to even talk to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Even worse than the two of you being tempted is that you haven't told your husband about this.

What this means is that you have something with the other man secret from your husband.... that is so dangerous.

 

Firstly, you have to tell your husband the truth. Secondly, if you MAKE IT 100% CLEAR TO OM THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE THAN FRIENDS and he Still Wants you as a friend, then fine.... I think as long as it is clear that there is no way you will do anything more than that, it might work out.

But, honestly, you need to confide in your husband if you don't want this to cause an emotional distancing between the two of you. And a breach of trust.

 

Can you do this?

 

Athena, you do realize this guy will say he just wants to be friends and then try later. She already knows he is willing to try so why not take the safe road and cut him out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
thanks for your advice. i understand. but i still can't think that he is actually that bad, for he not only helps me but also others, in times of need. i am in a totally different part of the world, away from home and family. he is also from a similar cultural and national background. he 'says' he is trying to get over with this, and he is also thinking of marriage within the next few months. could i just stay away for a few weeks, and see if things get as they were. or would it be foolish to even talk to him.

 

Do you really want to risk your marriage and future. I know its hard when you are lonely but think about what you are asking. Just because someone has helped a few people does not mean they are asexual. Right now you are clouded because you are lonely but you know this guy has already tried something and you know deep down that he will try again. You rejected him so he is doing damage control and trying to save face. Do not let this guy mess up your life and make you into a cheater. I think it is best that you tell your H what happened. Do not minimize it, just be honest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, i think you are right. i should try to keep my mind of this platonic friendship and show him that one can have integrity. i ahven't kwpt my husband in the dark. i confide in him ofcourse. but with our sitance, i don't want him to get worried more than i should. i am not a baby and i should deal with my problem strongly. i have gone through a few more forums too. and i think i will allow time to see whether friendship is at all possible or not. if its not, i would rather find some other friend, which i am always looking for, whether i have or have not him, it really doesn't matter. but everyone around seems to be so busy. but still if i am lonely, i think i'll have to deal with it as a fact of life.. to spend time with myself... i know that is the most difficult part.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

oh lkjh, i think you do sound rude, but that must the actual truth. i think i'll have to shut my eyes, come whatever may.. i actually tried to be a little saint and help him out of the situation. i try putting myself into others shoes, and try to advice them, and be a friend. i have tried things like this before, when i was not yet married. and it did help sometimes, and i could counsel others. i think here its not advicable, is it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Also, do not drink around this guy. Even if other people are around. DO NOT DRINK AROUND HIM.

 

Absolutely do NOT drink with him, nor go to 'questionable' places like night clubs which give him the opportunity to show you his 'sensuous' side... that is just asking for trouble.

 

Look, I agree lkjh, the guy is interested in getting into her pants (esp. so if he is apparently getting married in a few months time!!)... now if that is all he is interested in, then she needs to drop him asap. But -- she has already expressed her reticence at losing a friend, so the next best thing would be to make things Absolutely Clear to him. And if by any chance, he actually does still want her as just a friend, then fine, he could become a friend.

 

But Dreamy -- I am afraid you know where this is heading, right? Even your choice of name -- Miss Dreamy --are you romanticizing this guy in your mind?

 

You said <<I am actually thinking about the whole thing more than I should. And yes, he has also told me that if i were not married, he would surely have gone much further. and i am actually afraid of the point where my i would go weak at my knees... but i am so lonely,>>> and this spells trouble. Do you get it? You cannot be "thinking about him" obsessively and in a sexual way, but just want to 'remain friends'... it's either one or the other....

 

What do you mean he is thinking of getting married in the next few months? Has he actually found a woman to marry, or not?

Because if he has found a woman, if he has a fiance, then what the heck was he doing trying to get it off with you?! He should be faithful to the woman he is about to get married to, right? And if he is not prepared to be faithful to his fiance, then why would he respect YOUR marriage?

In that case, you need to cut ties with him, whether you are lonely or not. You have to make your marriage a priority.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Look, Im not trying to be rude but this is the cold hard truth. If you choose to keep this friendship then you are choosing to put your marriage in danger. Yes it is hard being lonely but you said it yourself..............its only for a couple of months. You are putting to much trust in this guy which is the greatest mistake anyone can make. I think you should tell your H because right now you are vulnerable. It sounds like you are tricking yourself into believing this friendship could actually be platonic.

 

May I ask why you are posting in the OM/OW forum instead of the infidelity or cheating and flirting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
i ahven't kwpt my husband in the dark. i confide in him ofcourse. but with our sitance, i don't want him to get worried more than i should. i am not a baby and i should deal with my problem strongly.

 

There is no such thing as you 'don't want him to get worried more than he should' .... my feeling is that you know it's not quite right and you don't want to admit what really and fully happened to your husband.

 

This is not protecting your H -- it's protecting yourself.

 

It's also allowing yourself to keep your foot in the door, so you don't fully have to close the door shut to a 'friendship' with this man. Once you tell your H what really happened, and how dreamy you are getting with your thoughts, you will know what you have to do. And you don't want to do that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

lkjh : i am sorry, i did not know of much forums. actually i was trying to find what people do when such a issue suddenly arises in their life, and since i am married, i was searching like kind of topics. i happened into this site just a few hours ago, and when i saw the kind of response people give, i thought to put out my thoughts in writing. thanks for your advice, i'll surely not drink in his presence, and make him see that i am in proper control of myself and my life. and even if i am worried abnout this ituation, i'll not let him see it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Missdreamy thats good but keep in mind that this will not stop him in the future. Im speaking from a guys point of view. Just because you denied him once does not mean he will stop. You are still keeping him around and you have opened up to him about some of your problems. This spells out desperation to us. We know girls like that just get more vulnerable. Its good that you are looking for advice and putting your thoughts out here but please remember that advice is only worth something if acted upon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
There is no such thing as you 'don't want him to get worried more than he should' .... my feeling is that you know it's not quite right and you don't want to admit what really and fully happened to your husband.

 

This is not protecting your H -- it's protecting yourself.

 

It's also allowing yourself to keep your foot in the door, so you don't fully have to close the door shut to a 'friendship' with this man. Once you tell your H what really happened, and how dreamy you are getting with your thoughts, you will know what you have to do. And you don't want to do that.

 

 

Dear Athena, thanks for your advice. i know what you mean. however, 'dreamy' is what i call myself not now, but always. but this is just a new problem, that shouldn't have come up. and ofcourse i am not dreaming about him. that's the last thing i should do and would do. i am also surely not fantisizing about this. i was just wondering whether i had made any mistakes, shown too much friendship or caring that made things go as they had. well, this feeling of guilt had nothing to do with my marriage, as i had no sensual feelings, and did not enjoy it in the least. but i just thought if i was leading a man astray. well, we did talk openly about it yesterday, and i think we thought maturedly enough. but i think i might still have to keep away from him before i think of friendship. some days of minding our own business would be good.

Link to post
Share on other sites
actually i was trying to find what people do when such a issue suddenly arises in their life,

 

Well, okay, let me tell you what I DO when such issues suddenly arise in MY married life.... okay, here goes:

 

I cut them out. Right away. The fact that a man would 1)make 'many friendly gestures' to me while my H is away, so much so that I would be asking my H advice on it, AND 2) that leads to his Taking me into his arms and attempting to KISS me, and 3) assuring me that if I were not married HE WOULD HAVE GONE FURTHER THAN JUST A KISS.... Wow!!!!! Did you tell your husband that one?! No, of course not... because if you had, guess what? You would have to give up Mr. Friend...

 

Let me share with you that I am lonely too... my Husband works away from home for months at a time. Okay, fortunately I do have children (in college not too far away), and some family members not too far away either BUT that is not the same as having my man home, right?

Now, my advice to you, seeing as you asked for advice, is to not get yourself into an awkward or difficult situation.... so stay away from this man. It's obvious, isn't it, that if he is marrying in just a few months time, then he shouldn't be 'lonely' like you..... where is his bride-to-be? Or is she also in another country?!

Nevertheless, allow me to continue since you came here looking to see how other people do things.... I get plenty of attention from men. Every day. Wherever I go. Men compliment me all the time. Some ask me out. Some try harder. But you have to learn to say No firmly.... if you know a guy is so attracted to you, you absolutely have to cut him out... that is NOT the guy to become friends with.

It's the guys that are not desperate to date you, that you stand a chance of making a true friend out of -- once you have made it perfectly clear that you will never be anything more than a friend to them.... and if they step over that line by grabbing you and trying to kiss you, and furthermore telling you that they would have gone 'much further' if you weren't married (ie more available), then that spells trouble.

 

You know this, right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missdreamy thats good but keep in mind that this will not stop him in the future. Im speaking from a guys point of view. Just because you denied him once does not mean he will stop. You are still keeping him around and you have opened up to him about some of your problems. This spells out desperation to us. We know girls like that just get more vulnerable. Its good that you are looking for advice and putting your thoughts out here but please remember that advice is only worth something if acted upon.

 

thanks for being so caring. i think you really feel the right way. but is it always so? i mean, leave this man here. i would take your advice, if not for being totally happy about it, but for the honest concern and time you have put in for it. but what i would like to know that, does a moment of lust or wanting really mean that two people have to part ways? is there no other kind of relationship that people may have? once, earlier in life i had actually got attracted to a man from an entirely different culture and society, whom i had thought to be interested in me. i had grown quite drawn to him, and also kissed him once. but when i let him see into my heart, he told me that he was committed, and i taught myself to like him as a friend. yes, the first 2-3 days were difficult, but then we are good friends now. and we surely know we care about each others happiness. do people never be friends if they are really concerned about others? does one moment of lust detroy everthing good in MAN (here i mean human). yes, i understand one should be selfless, and only selfless love can tread the path of such a successful friendship. or am i absolutely wrong?

Link to post
Share on other sites
The whole story. I think i should be more honest. I am actually thinking about the whole thing more than I should. And yes, he has also told me that if i were not married, he would surely have gone much further. and i am actually afraid of the point where my i would go weak at my knees... but i am so lonely, and don't want to loose a close friend.

 

Miss Dreamy, okay, so your name has been dreamy from before this, I understand.

 

Do you realize that you are Vulnerable in a New Land. Also vulnerable because you feel lonely. And more vulnerable because your husband is away for several months.

You are going to experience new feelings. New temptations.

 

I promise you it is a mistake to 'shield' your husband of this man's actions.... you must confide in YOUR man. That is how you will continue to build trust in each other.

You say you talked it over with this neighbour, but you really should be talking it over with your husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites
once, earlier in life i had actually got attracted to a man from an entirely different culture and society, whom i had thought to be interested in me. i had grown quite drawn to him, and also kissed him once. but when i let him see into my heart, he told me that he was committed, and i taught myself to like him as a friend. yes, the first 2-3 days were difficult, but then we are good friends now.

 

I assume that you were not married back then, right? When this happened, when you kissed this other man that you then became friends with.

 

Look, it's not impossible to reverse the 'lust' moment as you called it, but you are opening yourself up to trouble by 1) not telling your H the whole truth 2) admitting to feeling concerned about the possibility of you getting weak in the knees and caving in to this neighbour's advances 3) continuing a friendship with a man that has made it clear to you that he wants you

 

And please answer this -- where is his fiancé?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

dear Athena,

 

yes i understand what you say. i think from this day onwards i would close this chapter,and let this man be just my neighbour, as my other neighbours, and meet him only when it just happens that we should be in the same place, like in get-toghethers, if we ofcourse have any. i should not be taking any help from him what-so-ever, comes what may. i will not feel guilty of what i have never done, and just make myself more vulnerable. i told him all about my life, my marriage and my husband, and showed him pictures of my husband. we talked about his marriage, which is not yet fixed, and wished im good luck for it. i hope that would tell him my intentions, and help him deal with his own problems. i had been trying to think his problems as ourproblems, which was my mistake. and i would not do it. i know i should tell my husband all about it, but i am sorry. i could not. he would only worry too much about all this. and it would make things difficult for me. he does it, and this is the reason, why in the first case i had to share my family problems with this neighbour and not with my husband. its my problem. i was lucky to have advice from total strangers, which is again better at times, 'cause you are in no way attached to me and will only be truthful. i think i have got the strength that faltered me a bit. thanks for all your help. i would surely let you know what happens, and i hope i'll have happier news for you within a few days.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...