The drama of it all

[Spinning Head]

I haven't posted about my situation since last week. I felt as if I was unraveling. I had had severe headaches which turned into my first migraine which really scared me. I know that the huge source of my stress was relationship with MM.

 

Last Monday (1/19), I asked MM to tell me if he was leaving his M. MM stated 'no'. I did not get upset, did not cry, actually had no emotional reaction at all except relief. I have not had a migraine since.

 

Three days later, MM tells me that he told his W that he loved me and was moving out. MM has an apartment and started to furnish it.

 

It is nine days later. MM has not moved out. MM claims that W asked him to think about what he is doing to make sure it is what he wants to do because if he moves out, she won't allow him to move back in. MM told me that he has used the past few days to let his W think he is thinking about it but, in reality, he has made up his mind.

 

My headaches are returning.

 

Yesterday MM told me that I am being too direct in asking him why he has not moved out when he told his W that he was doing so. That he was considering his W's feelings. My response: If you truly were concerned about your W's feelings, then you would never had initiated this affair, told your W you loved me, etc. MM's response: Good point. BUT, MM has feelings too that I am ignoring.

 

MM claims his attorney is not returning his calls so that he can move forward with separating (same thing I heard in June when MM retained a different attorney). MM is supposed to meet with a business appraiser tomorrow.

 

I commented today that I had had enough. I was tired of the constant excuses. I was tired of MM's words that were not backed up by action. That I did not understand why he did not move out since he had an apartment, had told wife he was moving out, etc. The response today was that MM did not want people going through his financial information. My response was: It happens all the time in divorces and your case is just another case to any attorney, judge, etc. Oh, and your cache of nude photos of yourself have been seen by your family/friends and that doesn't bother you at all.

 

The icing on the cake to all of this is that I went to see my counselor last week. I last saw my counselor about three months ago. My counselor yawned throughout the session - so much so that I said to him - I realize that what I am experiencing is just another client meeting for you; however, it is important to me.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

SH,

 

I think that you should go back and read all of your openning posts. Not the responses but the OP. All of them, same song second verse. I'm reading your post thinking, "what isn't she getting about this."

 

This guy is nuts and has found someone that will buy it.

[Mino]

Hi SP. Wow, what a mess. One minute he says one thing and then the next something eles. Do you even know if he has an apartment? meaning have you seen it, have you seen a lease? If you have, and now he is telling you he is considering his w feeling, he is bascially having second thoughts. He obviously is not ready to move out, hense the excuses of attorney...ect. You do not need a seperation agreement to move. You can file this any time after. Check with your state laws. So I think your back to square one, he chickened out. And at the same time he is trying to justifiy this to you so you wont hit the road. Time to pull the plug on this, tell him you will not see him until he is moved out, not to contact you until he has physically moved out into his own place. Thats the only thing I can think of.

[whichwayisup]

This guy is full of crap in everyway, that's for sure. He's full of excuse after excuse, and the reality is, he's doing NOTHING.

 

Bottomline is this - Your health is being affected, you're suffering from migraines and stress..HE brings this into your life and you don't need it.

 

MM claims his attorney is not returning his calls so that he can move forward with separating (same thing I heard in June when MM retained a different attorney). MM is supposed to meet with a business appraiser tomorrow.

 

Stalling tactic..

 

This isn't going anywhere. It's one big circle and it's time for you to think about saying goodbye. Take control back and set yourself free once and for all.

[Owl]

SH...I agree with the comments made by everyone else.

 

NOTHING you've posted today is the slightest bit different from what you were going through last summer.

 

NOTHING.

 

You are in the exact same place you were then...no forward movement at all really.

 

Your MM is not doing anything different now than he was then.

 

And the reason is simple...because he's right where he wants to be.

 

He's got his wife and family...AND...he's got you on the side.

 

And that's exactly how he wants to keep it.

 

The only thing that will change this equation is if YOU make the change. YOU can choose to end it.

 

Or...you can choose to stay right where YOU are at.

 

What's it gonna be?

[jj33]

So sorry you are going through this. The counselor' s behaviour is the icing on the cake. You are not being "heard" or given your due in so many areas of your life.

 

This may sound simplistic but can you go to a spa or take a little break even a long weekend to get away and take some time for you?

 

Either before or after you need to tell MM that you are not going to be in contact with him anymore while he is living with his W. That what he does is up to him but unless and until he has moved out, you are out of his life.

 

This has all been very draining its not surprising that you have migraines. Cut him off. Let him put up or shut up. 2 attorneys arent returning his calls?

 

Perhaps he is trying the same tactics on them he is trying on you and they have had enough. Otherwise they would happily take a retainer and represent him. But they arent in love with him so they cut him off!

 

Time for you to cut him off. If hes serious he will come around. If he isnt he wont. He sounds very manipulative. Are you sure (after all this time I am sure you think you are sure) but are you sure you want that once he is free and there is noone for him to manipulate but you? Yes if I had asked myself that it would have been difficult question to answer...

 

We all think we can soldier through it. But be ready for the fact that this is not the end of that behavior. Its who he is and how he deals with the world.

 

Now its time for YOU to take control. If he pushes it back on you and says something like if you really loved him you would stick by him during this and understand etc. then he is just manipulating you.

 

"Too direct"? This is not a subject to be indirect about... He is blame shifting. Its not HIS fault that he has messed you about for the past upteem months, its YOUR fault for having the temerity to ask.

 

Well fine. You wont be asking anymore. Game over. If he gets it together and then starts acting like a grown up, perhaps you will consider it. But DO NOT stick around because you have already invested so much.

 

At this point there is nothing more you can do and nothing you can gain from being in the picture while he is living with his W.

 

Be strong. You cant lose. Either you will have taken the first steps towards getting your life back, or he will see that this is it, time for action and you two will be able to move forward together.

 

Big hugs

[whichwayisup]

So sorry you are going through this. The counselor' s behaviour is the icing on the cake. You are not being "heard" or given your due in so many areas of your life.

Me too. I think maybe this counsellor isn't the right person for you to be talking to. How bloody insulting of them to yawn and seem disinterested in your life and issues! Hello, this is what YOU are paying the COUNSELLOR, he/she works for you!

 

Think about finding another therapist to talk to, I can tell ya, when you find the right one, you'll feel so much better and settled. I did 2+ years of CBT to deal with my anxiety issues and it took me 2 or 3 therapists until I found the proper one to feel completely comfortable with.

[2sunny]

take your power back - tell him not to contact you any further unless he shows proof of final divorce papers.

 

THEN follow through with YOUR ACTIONS and stay away from him. NO CONTACT.

 

lead by example that words should match the actions.

 

maybe he'll get a clue that you want to be left out of the chaos until the tornado has passed.

 

in the meantime... go have fun without him. you can do this!

[Spinning Head]

I have spent time thinking about how I allowed myself to get this point wherein another human being is trying to manipulate my feelings. I think my self-esteem has taken a serious beating over the past several years due to my marriage and this affair. I need to regain it. Oftentimes I will think back to the way I was 12-15 years ago and I miss the person that I was at that point in my life.

 

I was very driven since age 14 to accomplish goals in my life. I accomplished those goals and got married. My marriage was a source of great unhappiness for me. Over the past two years, all the emotions that were pushed to the side for the past 20 years have been pouring out of me. I went from one extreme of not having any emotional reactions to anything to the extreme of reacting emotionally to everything. I need to find a balance.

 

I think the affair fulfilled many things that were missing in my life: I wanted someone to give me individual time and attention as well as fill the emotional void in my life. Personally, I have never felt validated or that I mattered (which is ironic in light of what I do for a living). I think I have always gained so much of my identity from what I do that I supressed and neglected the personal side of myself and my emotions. There seems to be a waterfall of them lately.

 

Somehow, I need to restore the self-esteem that I lost. I also need to figure out how to feel that I matter to others. And, I need to learn how to fill up the emotional void in my life in some other manner than MM.