Just Venting

[Sandy223]

I am falling in love with my MM boyfriend .... I am keeping other areas of my life in order ... I go out with others, and am living an active, balanced life ... but I am definitely falling in love with him ... I don't chase him, I let him pursue me, and I am watching to see what happens, and observing him and how I feel about him ... I am trying so hard not to get ahead of myself and think "What if" ... I know if it was meant to be, then it will be .... and that I am just leaving this option open because you never know ... deep in my heart I hope that he leaves, I want a life with him ... but, I am trying to keep things in prospective ... and trying not to go there too much. I finally saw a picture of his W, and what she looks like. I never wanted to see her, but now I know what she looks like. Anyway, I see him once a week or once every two ... I am not asking him where this is going, I have not told him that I am falling in love with him ... I believe he too is falling in love with me ... anyway, thanks for listening. I am in love ... I feel as if he is in love or falling in love with me ... i don't think he is ready to tell me because he doesn't have any kind of a plan .. that much I know. I also think that once he does have a plan, and if he ever does and starts thinking that way ... he will tell me he loves me... if I feel he loves me, perhaps that is what I should believe...

[Mino]

Hi Sandy, You must be in the begining of your A. We are all so naive in that begining stage, believing we have all under control. Thinking that love will be easy and bring us together. I remember when I first saw this site, I could not read all the post, it was to scary for me, I thought to myself, we are different and I knew I had my heart under control. It took me a long time to be able to go through these threads of ow/om , to read their pain, their problems they were facing. But out of curiosity I kept coming back. Its been over 4 years... I am still here. Just want you to know that what you read is all real. Knowing what I know now, I would not have stayed. The pain one must endure to be in this kind of a R cannot be written in words. There are times this will bring you down to your knees. Yes.. most on LS, will vouch for that. I chose to stay. My mm is finally a sm. We have begun to move forward, slowly with new issues in place. My point is that it took years... If I could do it over, I would have walked away, giving him the time he needed to get his life straight. I hope you are smarter, walk away now, and if it is meant to be, he will come when he is free...

[Sandy223]

Mino - thank you for your kind words; your post brought me to tears ... this is not the real beginning of the affair ... well, it's been since the beg. of november ... i resisted for over a year and a half ... I know this will take a while ... and, no, I do not have my heart under control; I am forcing myself to engage in every area of my life to keep myself busy, and to leave myself open to anything else that may come my way; and I am constantly welcoming new people and situations into my life with energy and enthusiasm. It is hard to walk waay from someone you feel this way for ... I just keep praying to God that he will guide me through this ... I love him so much Mino, but I also love myself ... the joy, pain, frustration all come in waves in different ways ... it is very risky ... what I am doing to myself .. I saw Dangerous Liasisons last night ... Michelle Pfifer literally died of a broken heart. Btw, I am happy that you and your now SM as finally moving forward. I am soooo happy for you. I will keep praying, and asking God for guidance and support ... and thank you all for being here too.

[2sure]

I, I see him once a week or once every two ... I am not asking him where this is going, I have not told him that I am falling in love with him ... I believe he too is falling in love with me ... anyway, thanks for listening. I am in love ... I feel as if he is in love or falling in love with me ... i don't think he is ready to tell me because he doesn't have any kind of a plan .. that much I know. I also think that once he does have a plan, and if he ever does and starts thinking that way ... he will tell me he loves me... if I feel he loves me, perhaps that is what I should believe...

 

You have been seeing him a few times a month for 2 months. You believe that he is falling in love with you but not telling you because he has no solid plans to leave his marriage yet.

Has he in any way at all indicated to you that he has any intention of ever leaving his marriage or that he is unhappy ?

You go onto state that when and if he tells you he loves you that you will believe he then has plans to leave his marriage.

Why would one thing mean another?

If believing he loves you is enough for you, without him saying it, then sure - believe it.

But you have got to know that you simply making up his thoughts and interpreting his words into hidden messages....is not reality.

[Spinning Head]

Sandy223 - My advice to you is to end it now. Before you become so entrenched in the R that it consumes you and you waste time, energy and yourself on a R that is doomed from the beginning. Yes, there are a few on this site whose MM/MW left their marriages but it is very very few. The majority of MM/MW do not leave.

 

I would truly hate to see you waste yourself on a relationship with your MM. End it now. If MM does love you, then he will end his marriage to be with you. Don't settle for anything less. And, stop hoping for something that probably will not happen.

[jj33]

Sandy you are getting good advice here. At the beginning we ALL wanted to believe that.

 

And even Mino whose MM is now an SM STILL says knowing what I know now I would not have stayed. The pain will leave you a changed woman and not for the better. If it all works out (e.g. GELs story) I am sure in the end the pain goes away but that is the exception and she left after a point until he left his W.

 

If you are feeling uncertain enough to post now, just think how you will feel in 6 months or a year or 2 years. It doesnt get any better. It only gets worse - sure there are great times together and sharing a great love is exhilarating and special.

 

But if its true love and you walk away and say I cant do this until you are single - either he will say sorry am never leaving this is all there is. Or he will say I want to leave my marriage and I will.

 

He may leave eventually when he is ready but at great great emotional cost to you if you stick around in the interim. Being with you is not going to make the difference in whether he stays or leaves. Then he has it all. Why should he leave?

 

Leave for you. Either you go on with your life, get over him (its only been 2 months) and meet someone new. Or you leave start to move on with your life and he decides that it is time to be an honest man and leave if he is really so unhappy.

[NoIDidn't]

Please end it now. You are already in love with him.

 

There will come a day when you no longer feel to force yourself to keep busy. You are already putting on the rose-colored glasses and talking yourself into believing things that are just not reality based.

 

Better to end it than to assume that he feels the same way that you do. And I use this word just as the dictionary does - not as a flame or anything else it may be claimed to be - but you may be deluding yourself. You don't get much time with him so much of this relationship may very well be in your head (the thoughts and assumptions being made). No offense.

[jj33]

I believe he too is falling in love with me ... anyway, thanks for listening. I am in love ... I feel as if he is in love or falling in love with me ... i don't think he is ready to tell me because he doesn't have any kind of a plan .. that much I know. I also think that once he does have a plan, and if he ever does and starts thinking that way ... he will tell me he loves me... if I feel he loves me, perhaps that is what I should believe...

 

 

At the risk of beating a dead horse, read your own words. If a friend said that to you what would you say? Youd say YOU THINK?? YOU WANT TO BELIEVE? But he hasnt said a word?

 

I am sure this man enjoys your company, is very fond of you, he may be falling in love, he may not. But even that doesnt matter.

 

Have you read the other threads? Loads of men say I love you, I am in love with you, but it STILL doesnt mean that the relationship is going anywhere.

 

What matters is what this man has in mind for his life. What is HIS agenda. More often than not, men have affairs to fill a gap in their marriage. Not always but most of the time.

 

So if the gap is filled, it is stressful (having an A) but all the needs are taken care of and the status quo is not challenged.

 

Leaving a marriage is a HUGE step. Someone who chooses to have an A rather than leaving first is (again in most but not all cases) likely to want to stay in the marriage, unless they are already thinking of leaving on one level of another.

 

You have not mentioned that this man has said anything about being very unhappy at home or that he is thinking of leaving. He is simply satisfying his desire to be with you while continuing his marriage. He is seeing you as and when it fits into the life he has created with his W. And if he did say he was desparately unhappy wouldnt you question why he stayed? After all he is an adult. If he is so unhappy why isnt he making changes either within the marriage or trying to leave?

 

The life he has with his W is priimary. Seeing you is secondary. I am not saying this to be mean just to try and knock some sense into your head. You are leading yourself down the garden path.

 

I know how hard it is to get out while you still have strong feelings for hte person. I did it myself. And the feelings still remain. But its far better than being in second place when I wanted more.

 

If you stay, you will do immeasurable harm to your self esteem in the long run. Dont underestimate the harm that emotional wounds can do to your overall well being.

 

You need to look after yourself. Put yourself first. Get out. At this point he knows you, and if he really really loves you he loves you. As someone said to me, what are you doing? Auditioning? Trying out for the softball team? If he loves you he does. Sticking around and showing him how wonderful it is to be with you isnt going to change anything. It just allows him to be a cake eater. If that were OK with you that would be fine. But obviously its not.