Fell in love with a separated man

[feelingused]

Hi....

 

I've been lurking around these posts to just validate that what I am going through right now isn't unusual. I am sad and heart broken but know that I did the best for myself and my future happiness.

 

My situation -- sorry if it seems to ramble. Please no judging, either. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 8 months. We met each other online, and it was sparks from the beginning. However, he is separated -- was when I met him and is in the process of getting his divorce (I guess...now I am starting to doubt he will go through with it). He was moved out of the house into his own place with a lease and had new furniture, etc. in his place --- so he looked like he was ready to move on. Still, I was wary of his status from the beginning, but decided to take a chance on him because we had a great connection and he seemed like such a great guy -- caring, generous. He is a caring and generous guy but he is (and was) never ready to begin a new relationship. Of course things were great at the beginning -- he convinced me that he was over his marriage and had not been happy for a long time now. If I knew then what I know now (we all wish that) I would never have begun anything with him -- or maybe just a platonic friendship at the very most. But...we fell in love - or I guess I did. Then as the holidays came around he became distant. I stepped back and told myself I would give him space during the holidays given that this is his first holidays separated. However, he never came back from his distance..and to make matters worse, his soon to be ex's son (he didn't have kids with her but she has 2 sons) got in a little bit of trouble and he rushed to their side to help (beginning this month). I completely understand helping, but in the meantime, he pushed me even further away. I had never felt like I was settling with him until this all started happening, so I decided to do what is best for probably both of us, and I broke up with him. Even though I knew I had to break it off, it hurt my feelings that he didn't really fight me on it, even though he said he was still in love with me and would miss me.

 

I know in my heart that this was the right thing to do but it still hurts so much. When I broke up with him I told him no contact, and he has stuck to it (its been 2 weeks). We didn't see each other much during the week when we were seeing each other (we would spend the weekends together), but we would text all day and talk to each other - if not every night - at least every other night. I just feel so lonely and sad to not have him in my life, and I am kind of upset that (even though I said no contact) he isn't trying to figure out how I am doing after we would connect every day.

 

Even though he hasn't told me, I have a suspicion that he has gone back to his now (maybe) ex -- it is very unusual for him to just let me completely walk out of his life, even with my NC request. I think that is what I am most shocked about...not that I wanted to go back to getting less than I deserved, but to realize now that very possibly he was not in love with me like he told me many times...and has decided to go back to his W - even though there has been and probably will probably always be a lot of drama.

 

People -- having never been in a relationship like this -- I never will again. I deserve to be with a man who is completely available and willing and able to be the kind of partner I deserve. So, even though I am heart broken and sad now, I know that it will only get better for me and I know I deserve true dedication and love. Please -- life is too short to settle. Best not to even get involved with a partner who has not tied up the loose ends of their previous life. They have a history and a commitment with their partner and most likely -- when push comes to shove - they will go back to that, even if it seems unhappy.

[2sure]

I know. It seems like dating a sparated guy should be ok. But it is risky - to YOU. First, regardless of what he says, you are hearing only one side of the story. And even that is OK...but. BUT. If his wife is the one who pushed the separation, he may be just waiting and hoping she takes him back. And you are a pleasant distraction from the waiting or a good place to go if they dont get vack together. Worse - it is possible that as soon as the wife realizes he is seeing someone else (even if she is)...she wants him back - at least temporarily. Too many ways to get hurt!

[whichwayisup]

but decided to take a chance on him

 

And that is the thing..You took a chance by allowing feelings and a relationship with someone who wasn't officially separated/divorced, it's really hard to end a marriage and head straight into another relationship RIGHT after and expect everything to be happy and okay.

 

I know you're in pain, but you did do the right thing by walking away.

[feelingused]

Yes, thanks for the posts. Yes, very true...I took a chance on a guy that wasn't available and ready to be in the kind of relationship I deserve. I know, I know....we just had such a connection right from the beginning that I talked my way into it (he was a great guy - I was really attracted to him, etc.) blah blah blah. He talked me into it too..by aggressively pursuing me. I was kidding myself, true. And never having been in this situation....I should have been more cautious before being exclusive with him. But now I know. No more!

 

Even though my ego is bruised by his ability to just not have me in his life suddenly....it is best that he is not contacting me. It would be really hard to stay away if he was begging me to just hold on for a little while. That is a blessing in disguise and I am sure I will be thankful of it in a few months.

[sshish216]

Your story sounds OH SO familiar. It sounds like mine! I too was seeing a separated guy and was starting to fall for him. I even made sure he was "separated". I made him take me to his house and it was pretty much empty with clothes hanging from the ceiling fans and all. Typical man cave! I was involved with him somewhat for about 4-5 months. Doesn't take long to fall for someone does it? I was trying to be cautious, knowing it wasn't final yet! It took me by surprise!

 

Right before xmas he told me he and his wife were "trying" again bc of the kids and money (he was po'd about how much money he was paying in child support). She had moved out with a bf, the divorce was mediated and was going to be filed. I was shocked at how quickly they went back together. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. They had both cheated on each other. I believe I was being used to get back at her, to show her he was going to move on and to see what she was losing, which really hurt.

 

He wanted to see me on the "side" So I told him NC and I haven't heard from him since. Its been over a month. The first 2 weeks were killing me, crying all the time. It has gotten better but I still think of it everyday. I know I did the right thing. It can only hurt more the longer you are involved. I knew I was going to hurt real bad if I didn't end it right away.

 

I thought if I stayed with this guy knowing that he wasn't the one who wanted to end his marriage, am I going to be able to handle him running back and forth to his wife everytime she says jump??? No... not for me.

 

So I can certainly sympathize with you. I know your pain

Good luck

[sshish216]

....and one more point I forgot to add. I NEVER thought I would have been in a situation like this. My MM pursued me and then told me when he was going back that he has always been honest with me. YEAH RIGHT. Then he never should have pursued me in the first place when he still had one foot in the door and one foot out.

 

Makes me angry to think I fell for this. Just another lesson learned I guess.

[feelingused]

Good for you! Bad enough that he wasn't divorced yet, but then when he decides to go back to his wife to work it out - he wants to see you on the "side." No. You don't want to take less than what you had...

 

Yes -- the shocking part is after all the drama and the insults and accusations she threw at him these past months he just up and goes back to her at one semi-serious crises. So....no...while I was willing to bend somewhat on his getting through his divorce (i.e. his divorce was priority) I am not going to sit around be put further down on his priority list while he runs to her side. He has chosen and it isn't me - I need to face that.

 

It hurts but I am already feeling better. I cried pretty much the entire first week but now I am only sad sometimes, mad sometimes -- and I still get teary eyed sometimes but not much.

[sshish216]

(((feelingused))) Good for both of us for ending it quickly!

 

I am so glad I found this place. I wish I had found it while I was seeing him. I might have gotten out of it even sooner. There are a lot of great people on here with great advice. This place has opened my eyes so I can think with my head instead of just my heart all the time.

 

I have joined a dating site and tonight, went out to a restaurant and met some really nice people. So they say, when your dog dies, go out and get another one to replace it right away......(this time I will stick with the single, available kind)

 

Take care

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I don't know how old you are, but I am in my late 30's...and let me tell you, by the time you get to be my age, it is such a different "scene". At least, this is what singles over 30 or so tell me. Not the same as it was in my early 20's.

 

Men and women my age, when they meet people out there to try to start romantic relationships, seemingly are always either getting out of something, in between something...there's always something.

 

It's just the way it is, and sometimes it feels like a minefield out there, I think. Baggage. I think it's frightening, to be honest! But...it sure does make for being clear about what one wants so there's no "drifting" into anything.

 

Nothing important to add - sorry! Lol. There must be a lot of people out there with their head's somewhat straight...er...somewhere.

 

Gotta keep those eyes open, and take care.

 

Just saying I hear ya.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

...

 

Yes -- the shocking part is after all the drama and the insults and accusations she threw at him these past months he just up and goes back to her at one semi-serious crises. So....no...

 

This is the way most men are, I'm afraid. They just so much want to go back to the way it was - I would never believe it's over until the guy has been out of it, and the ink is dry, dry, dry on those papers.

 

Everyone is different, but I very much tend to believe that given half a chance, most males will indeed go back to their exes, no matter the condition of that marriage.

 

This belief can allow one to hold back and keep from getting hurt. If he's serious, he'll still be available when things calm down for him.

 

These men (and women) just out of these R's can be good people, but wow - it's just so dangerous.

 

Tread carefully, ladies and gents.

[feelingused]

Good luck to you. I will not sit around and be sad for long, I do know that. Each day that I don't hear from him further solidifies my resolve that it was the right thing to do. I need to take my painful lesson and move on. I know I will think of him a lot in the next few months....but I will also be moving forward with my life.

[feelingused]

I am in my mid thirties Blue Bird. And yes -- it is a minefield out there. There is baggage -- I have some myself -- but I need to stear clear of this situation from here on out - be it a marriage or even a long term relationship.

 

I feel used and I don't think he set out to use me.....but wasn't coming at me from the same place I was -- which was completely available to develop something if it happened. Of course, we had many talks about my apprehension about his separated and how he could go back to the person he has the most history with...so Im sure he is feeling guilty right now.

 

In any case, I have learned a painful lesson -- which I will not repeat.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wonder if this was, at least for him, that transition relationship that many of us found ourselves in as we moved from marriage to separation to something else. For someone used to being with someone else, the shock of separation and lonliness can cause them to rush into a relationship that emotionally they're not ready for. I'm not exactly sure why, but it seems that these first relationships rarely turn out well. I'm sure it's not much comfort to you, but it was probably doomed from the beginning. I'm sorry you got caught up in it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jj33]

Dont beat yourself up. It didnt work out. But it could have. Just like a relationship with a single man. Its no different. A single man may have broken up with his last girlfriend and be waiting for her to take him back or be on the rebound. As we get older everyone has baggage and trickier situations than when we were in our 20s and single.

 

Yes its riskier to date a separated man but really its not that much different in terms of the "odds" of it working out. The reasons for it not working out are just different.

You took a chance. Your heart was open. And you did the right thing by not hanging on once it became clear that he was not ready to commit to a relationship with you.

 

Take good care.

[sshish216]

Thats the key. Get out of the relationship as soon as it becomes clear its not working or going to work. That is true with any relationship. The longer you hang on to hope the more hurt you will be.

 

I hung onto my marriage with an addict for years. I fought and fought to keep it together but he didn't want to get clean. He wasn't going to end it, I had to. Glad I did. He still is in full blown addiction and its 8 years since we were divorced.

 

So now that there isnt any history, kids with the new guys I date, its easier to walk away. History made it hard to walk away from my marriage.

 

Wish I knew about this place when I was married to him too.

 

Take care everyone

[feelingused]

You took a chance. Your heart was open. And you did the right thing by not hanging on once it became clear that he was not ready to commit to a relationship with you.

 

Very true...I did take a chance and I did end it when it felt wrong...because the bottom line for me is that I stay true to myself and honor what will be best for me. In a perfect world I would have moved much more slowly with him and not cut off my romantic options elsewhere..but we do love and learn.

 

If anyone is out there thinking about getting involved in this situation...all I can say is be cautious...especially if you think this could be a serious relationship. As much as they (separated man or woman = SM/SW) think they are ready to move on....they are usually not. Each situation is different....so I can't say never get involved...but know that it is very risky and many times the SM/SW will, after the initial honeymoon stage of the new R settles, go through a period where they romanticize their previous relationship and then try to work it out (unless their previous H/W are already in a serious relationship).

 

As for my ex -- well, I am a mature and reasonable person. And while I am angry at him for dragging me into this and letting me fall in love when he was not ready, I don't wish him harm. If he is indeed going back to his soon to be ex he has a difficult road ahead of him. There were issues there of crazy controlling behavior and I can't imagine living life always walking on egg shells - which is what he will have to do to be able to make it work. I know everyone tends to overemphasize the bad in the M when trying to be with a new person - but even if it was once in a while the controlling behavior was extreme -- almost certifiable.

 

Thank you posters...it makes me feel better that I am not alone in my situation. While I still feel sad and also angry at him for using me (which is essentially what he did) I do feel good that I didn't allow it to drag on longer than it did.

[Meaplus3]

I know that it will only get better for me and I know I deserve true dedication and love. Please -- life is too short to settle.

 

First off getting involved with a guy on line is a risky. Add to that him beign seperated and not 100% free and you have just created a double whammy here for potential heart break. I'm Sorry for what your going through.. but all you have to do is keep in mind the the line above here.Best of luck to you.

 

Mea:)