happinessnow Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hello all, I have been seeing a Married woman for about a year now. To give a short history i am 29yrs old and she is 29. She has been married for 4 years, been with the guy for 7, no kids. She hasn't been happy in her marriage for a long time, years before me, her husband has abused her, cheated on her etc. She does all the chores while he sits around playing video games. She suffers from low self esteem at times because of her husband always talking down to her and saying she doesn't look good and always criticizing her. They've tried counseling multiple times for 6 month sessions in the 4 years of marriage. She has been trying to leave him for a long time but has never gotten the nerve to do it. Finally last week after being yelled at from him she got the courage to say she wasn't happy and she wanted to leave. He blew up and started yelling and told her that if she left him he would kill himself. She is scared and doesn't know what to do. I do not know what to tell her. She is miserable and does not want him to do something to himself but she also does not want to be stuck in that marriage any longer. Has anyone gone through something like this? Does anyone have any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
bluebayou Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I have a same sex friend in exactly the same situation and has been wanting to do the same (leave the husband) for several years now. Ultimately, unless she can take control of her own life and stop him controlling hers she will never go through with it. are you offering he an out straight to you or is she intending on going her own way initially? Link to post Share on other sites
Author happinessnow Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 she is taking the necessary steps to try to take control of her life. I was really surprised that she finally tried to leave him to tell you the truth. She has been trying to do it for a long time and it took a long time for her to find the strength to do it. However, she is blown back by the threat of her husband killing himself if she leaves him and i do not know what type of advice to give her. If he was to do something to himself, she would never forgive herself but at the same time she can't live her life in prison, being where she does not want to be. I told her i would be there for her, anything that she needs. She will not go straight to me, she wants to leave him and go back to her parents for a while until she is able to get herself back together and offer herself to me when she is ready. Link to post Share on other sites
bluebayou Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 my feeling is that his threat, and I'm sure it is probably a threat, is part of his controlling ways nothing more. However, unless she is able to gain the courage to take that risk, then she will never find out. How about you? You must find this situation terribly draining also? I do worry for you in this, and hope that you too are getting something out our your R (I am an OW so I call it that even though the terms are loosely applied!) and you are not just being a constant support post as that can also be entirely draining... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 She has to sort out for herself what compels her to stay. Perhaps on some level she feels that she deserves this, or perhaps his type of behavior 'completes' some strange circuit inside herself that no one but she will ever understand and therefore needs it in some pathological way. Whatever the case, you sort of have to ask yourself why you are drawn to her. You sound like one of those knight in shining armor guys who finds a wounded and suffering woman and wants to save her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happinessnow Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 i think you are right to a point lucreziagoria, i have had her tell me she doesn't deserve me a few times crying when i've done something special for her. She has gone through alot, he has treated her badly for so long that she doesn't know what to do anymore when someone treats her well. He gives her nothing, doesnt do anything for valentines or her birthday, isnt affectionate towards her and she has felt alone in her marriage for a long time. she is a wonderful person, we met at work and became friends, i always thought she was beautiful but never said anything, i would listen to her tell me about her marriage and tried to help her as much as i could. After being friends for 6 months we both fell for each other. I care for her deeply and want nothing but the best for her. She is 29 and hasn't lived her life, never traveled, eaten at nice restaurants, gone to a club/bar, nothing. There are so many things that i do for her that she has never done, she wasted away her 20's. She has spent pretty much her whole life locked up with this man. bluebayou, this has been draining for me. I try to keep my chin up and tell myself that she will find her strength to leave him. I do everything i can to make her happy. I have noticed that i've changed myself, i no longer go out with my friends, i stay home alot just watching movies. We try to see each other as much as possible, we eat lunch together every week day, we've called in sick a few times together and i've taken her to places shes never been, like the Zoo. but sometimes i do feel alone, especially with christmas and new years just passing and not being able to be with her. Sometimes i don't know what to do or think. Why can't she find her strength to leave the man she doesnt want to be with and be with the one she wants? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Why can't she find her strength to leave the man she doesnt want to be with and be with the one she wants? Because this woman has deep insecurities and issues, she isn't thinking clearly..I mean, you say he's abusive, yet she is having an affair with you - THAT is putting her life in danger, let alone yours.. If you love her, set her free. Advise her to seek counselling, to rely on her parents during this time to help her get out of her marriage and to talk to a lawyer. You can't save or rescue her. If she feels her husband IS going to kill himself, then she has to call 911 so he can be evulated and spend time in the hospital to be assessed. To have a real and honest relationship with her, you have to end the affair now and step away. Let her divorce, heal and get counseling before you two start a real relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Happy!. Have you thought this may just be an excuse? So she says she cant leave because the H may kill themselves? A stalling technique? Or lets assume he really did say that, is it her duty to stay because he is blackmailing her? No, I dont think so, it is his choice at the end, if he is willing to take his own life. I had a bf once, uyears ago, 11 year R. He once told me the same thing, I finally got so sick of it, I said "Here let me help you, how do you want to do it, Pill? I will go get them for you... That was the last time he ever used this blackmail technique with me, and guess what, HE IS STILL ALIVE!!! I would suggest that if she is wanting out then still put her plans in motion. The one thing I would also suggest is that she inform his family and friends before she leaves that he has threatened suicide. She is not his prisoner, she should not stay just because he threatens. Call her on the carpet on this one... If her response is oh no, I cant do that, you got your answer, it was only an excuse for you, and for her not to make a move, wonderful thing called status que !! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 ditto wwiu ... but first, steer her to someone who can educate her about abuse, who can help her see just what his threats are. my personal thought is that when someone threatens to kill themself in order to keep control of the situation, there's a high chance that it's a means of control and nothing more. What does that person have to gain by killing him/herself? Especially if it means the person they're trying to control gains freedom from the situation at hand? Nope, it's a good old fashioned mind-game he's playing, and with the right tools provided by an abuse hotline she'll be able to see him for what he's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Because this woman has deep insecurities and issues, she isn't thinking clearly..I mean, you say he's abusive, yet she is having an affair with you - THAT is putting her life in danger, let alone yours.. If you love her, set her free. Advise her to seek counselling, to rely on her parents during this time to help her get out of her marriage and to talk to a lawyer. You can't save or rescue her. If she feels her husband IS going to kill himself, then she has to call 911 so he can be evulated and spend time in the hospital to be assessed. To have a real and honest relationship with her, you have to end the affair now and step away. Let her divorce, heal and get counseling before you two start a real relationship. Hi WWISUP!! do you really think she is to weak to make this move because of her insecurities? Do you thinks its because of avuse? I have been in that kinda of situation years ago, and that is alcually what DID give me strength to get the H*LL out. I think she has painted a pic for Happy , to justifiy her actions, and now the other part of the picture is her husband will hurt himself, therefore she is stuck, or Happy with not making a choice....IMOP Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 ditto wwiu ... but first, steer her to someone who can educate her about abuse, who can help her see just what his threats are. my personal thought is that when someone threatens to kill themself in order to keep control of the situation, there's a high chance that it's a means of control and nothing more. What does that person have to gain by killing him/herself? Especially if it means the person they're trying to control gains freedom from the situation at hand? Nope, it's a good old fashioned mind-game he's playing, and with the right tools provided by an abuse hotline she'll be able to see him for what he's worth. you hit it on the nose.... he has nothing to gain. Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Happy!. Have you thought this may just be an excuse? So she says she cant leave because the H may kill themselves? A stalling technique? Or lets assume he really did say that, is it her duty to stay because he is blackmailing her? No, I dont think so, it is his choice at the end, if he is willing to take his own life. I had a bf once, uyears ago, 11 year R. He once told me the same thing, I finally got so sick of it, I said "Here let me help you, how do you want to do it, Pill? I will go get them for you... That was the last time he ever used this blackmail technique with me, and guess what, HE IS STILL ALIVE!!! I would suggest that if she is wanting out then still put her plans in motion. The one thing I would also suggest is that she inform his family and friends before she leaves that he has threatened suicide. She is not his prisoner, she should not stay just because he threatens. Call her on the carpet on this one... If her response is oh no, I cant do that, you got your answer, it was only an excuse for you, and for her not to make a move, wonderful thing called status que !! Well I don't agree with taunting someone who threatens suicide. You don't want to take the risk that the person is serious and you pushed them to it by telling them they should go do it. However, it is not her responsibility to stay in this relationship because of it either. If he has parents or siblings that care about him, she should tell them what he has threatened to do, that she is leaving him, and she can't be held responsible for him anymore. If he starts screaming he's going to go kill himself right now, then she can call 911 and they'll come take him away and psych eval him. I had a friend once who started ranting and raving that she was going to go walk in front of a bus and didn't care if she died. She was drunk and acting psychotic and I didn't take any chances. I called 911, tackled her ass to the ground until they got there, and let them take her to the psych ER to be evaluated where she was kept for two days. She never drank that much again and pulled her sh*t together after that because she realized that it's not a f**king joke to say things like that. You can't stay in a marriage because someone is threatening you. In probability he won't do anything to himself, but ultimately if he did, it's not her fault. All she can do is offer him help, tell his family or friends, and that's it. She probably needs to see a therapist herself, a really good one, ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi WWISUP!! do you really think she is to weak to make this move because of her insecurities? Do you thinks its because of avuse? I have been in that kinda of situation years ago, and that is alcually what DID give me strength to get the H*LL out. I think she has painted a pic for Happy , to justifiy her actions, and now the other part of the picture is her husband will hurt himself, therefore she is stuck, or Happy with not making a choice....IMOP Everyone handles abuse differently, but if the abuse is bad and has been going on for a long time, then she is a broken woman.. Now, if she is LYING about the abuse etc, then she is selfish, manipulative and cruel to pull that act.. And still needs help. Either way, he has to step aside and let her finish things her way and not be front/center anymore..If she loves him and wants a new life, she'll find help, therapy/family/lawyers, whomever, to get her OUT and away from her husband. Hey to you too Mino! Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Well I don't agree with taunting someone who threatens suicide. You don't want to take the risk that the person is serious and you pushed them to it by telling them they should go do it. However, it is not her responsibility to stay in this relationship because of it either. If he has parents or siblings that care about him, she should tell them what he has threatened to do, that she is leaving him, and she can't be held responsible for him anymore. If he starts screaming he's going to go kill himself right now, then she can call 911 and they'll come take him away and psych eval him. I had a friend once who started ranting and raving that she was going to go walk in front of a bus and didn't care if she died. She was drunk and acting psychotic and I didn't take any chances. I called 911, tackled her ass to the ground until they got there, and let them take her to the psych ER to be evaluated where she was kept for two days. She never drank that much again and pulled her sh*t together after that because she realized that it's not a f**king joke to say things like that. You can't stay in a marriage because someone is threatening you. In probability he won't do anything to himself, but ultimately if he did, it's not her fault. All she can do is offer him help, tell his family or friends, and that's it. She probably needs to see a therapist herself, a really good one, ASAP.Hi Kismetgirl, I agree, you should not taunt someone, BUT, I got so tired of hearing it and he would call me with church music in the background , saying he wants to say goodbye forever,,,, I just lost it... I felt tortured by him that I finally said "great go for it' my point is that he uesed this over and over again, manipulating me.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 . You don't want to take the risk that the person is serious and you pushed them to it by telling them they should go do it. And who knows what he is capable of doing..If he has anger issues, is abusive, emotional and upset, he could turn not only on himself, but on her, and go after happinessnow. Crimes of passion happen alot, and some people do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit! Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 And who knows what he is capable of doing..If he has anger issues, is abusive, emotional and upset, he could turn not only on himself, but on her, and go after happinessnow. Crimes of passion happen alot, and some people do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit! Your right on that one, if he is threatening with "killing, he may kill someone eles instead. Best advice is to stay clear and let her clean up her mess first... Link to post Share on other sites
bluebayou Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 bluebayou, this has been draining for me. I try to keep my chin up and tell myself that she will find her strength to leave him. I do everything i can to make her happy. I have noticed that i've changed myself, i no longer go out with my friends, i stay home alot just watching movies. We try to see each other as much as possible, we eat lunch together every week day, we've called in sick a few times together and i've taken her to places shes never been, like the Zoo. but sometimes i do feel alone, especially with christmas and new years just passing and not being able to be with her. Sometimes i don't know what to do or think. Why can't she find her strength to leave the man she doesnt want to be with and be with the one she wants? I would like to return to the point on how you are feeling here. A relationship, of any sort, should make you feel happy and fulfilled. Yet you have given me symptoms of depression here. Consider yourself in this whole situation. Can you put up with this going on for years? Look after yourself too. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 How do you know she is telling the truth? Cheaters always think of reasons not to leave, Keep this up a 3 years down the road she is still gonna be saying the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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