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Didn't see this one coming....!


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 25th January 2009, 9:52 PM   #1
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Unhappy Didn't see this one coming....!

I'm a newbie, but been reading for months and getting to grips with the abbreviations, but now I feel i need to post.

I am the OW of a 8 year more off that on EA. Recently became PA in last 6 months.

I have always been aware that I would never be anything more than the OW, and I accepted that. Things have been going as good as they can be, but I've had a massive shock today when MM contacted me and told me that it looked like that him and W were splitting up.

He did say that it wasn't anything to do with me and him, but I still can't help feeling terribly responsible and I feel gutted. It was always an agreement between us that he would not be leaving his W.

On top of all this, he is obviously very upset/depressed/fed up and i can't do a thing to help and I feel so useless. I did tell him that I would back off and leave him to it, but he asked me to keep in touch. I don't know the current situation with our PA as it's just not the right time to even broach the subject!

I just wondered if anyone had ever experienced something similar and could pass on any advice?

Thanks in advance
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Old 25th January 2009, 11:22 PM   #2
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You take control and go no contact with him. Even if he says he 'needs' you, don't get involved in his split up. Seems more than likely he is scared to be alone and wants companionship during his separation/divorce.

I take it his wife found out about the affair?
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Old 25th January 2009, 11:32 PM   #3
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Nah she realized what a loser he was and dumped him.

No offense to BlueBayou but as an OW you always look at the affair with rose colored glasses. Take it from someone who is currently an xOW.
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Old 25th January 2009, 11:54 PM   #4
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I am not aware that the affair has been discovered. I am 99% sure it has not.

I thank you for your suggestions which I think are very helpful

Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
You take control and go no contact with him. Even if he says he 'needs' you, don't get involved in his split up. Seems more than likely he is scared to be alone and wants companionship during his separation/divorce.

I take it his wife found out about the affair?
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Old 26th January 2009, 2:30 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by bluebayou View Post
He did say that it wasn't anything to do with me and him, but I still can't help feeling terribly responsible and I feel gutted. It was always an agreement between us that he would not be leaving his W.
Do you (or have you during the 8 years) see other people besides him?

If the agreement was that he wouldn't leave his wife, why would you choose a relationship whose future was so obviously limited? Not sure if you see marriage or children in your future, but those options have been precluded to this point...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 26th January 2009, 3:23 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebayou View Post
I'm a newbie, but been reading for months and getting to grips with the abbreviations, but now I feel i need to post.

I am the OW of a 8 year more off that on EA. Recently became PA in last 6 months.

I have always been aware that I would never be anything more than the OW, and I accepted that. Things have been going as good as they can be, but I've had a massive shock today when MM contacted me and told me that it looked like that him and W were splitting up.

He did say that it wasn't anything to do with me and him, but I still can't help feeling terribly responsible and I feel gutted. It was always an agreement between us that he would not be leaving his W.

On top of all this, he is obviously very upset/depressed/fed up and i can't do a thing to help and I feel so useless. I did tell him that I would back off and leave him to it, but he asked me to keep in touch. I don't know the current situation with our PA as it's just not the right time to even broach the subject!

I just wondered if anyone had ever experienced something similar and could pass on any advice?

Thanks in advance
BB - you say it was an agreement between you that he would not leave his W. You also say that you "accepted" that you would never be "more than the OW". Am I correct in reading this as saying that you'd have liked more, but were willing to settle for those terms, given the circumstances? Or, was that genuinely all you wanted?

This makes a big difference in how you feel about him dumping the W. If you and he genuinely both wanted the same thing - an A rather than a fulltime R, for him to stay with his W and for you to have him as just a part of your life - then his unilateral breaking of those terms would likely lead you to feel disappointment, even anger - rather than guilt and responsibility, as you appear to in your post.

If you secretly - or not so secretly - wanted more, then his leaving plays into your feeling that somehow your wanting it, his detecting that you wanted it, led to his leaving, whether or not that was so. The trouble is, you can never actually know - knowing you wanted more of him may well subconsciously have provided him with a safety net which allowed him to make the break; equally it may just have been that having a real loving R with you showed up the poverty of his own M to the extent that he could no longer maintain the farce. Whichever way, there's little you can do to undo your effect, so feeling bad will just leave both of you down.

If he's wanting you to be supportive, and you're OK with that, then do so - the same way you would support any friend going through a break-up. That does not mean taking on the role of his counsellor, or his lawyer, or filling that empty spot in his bed so that he doesn't have to sleep alone and confront himself. If you've been with him for 8 years, as a friend if nothing else, why would you drop him in his time of need?
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Old 26th January 2009, 3:29 AM   #7
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Marriages don't go bad BECAUSE of an affair. Marriages go bad, THEN they have affairs. If I were you I wouldn't feel guilty about their split-up, I would feel more guilty about being some dude's patsy.
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Old 26th January 2009, 5:13 AM   #8
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OWoman - thank you for your advice here which has allowed me to question myself a bit more.

I can confirm that I was accepting what was on offer rather than it being what I would have liked in the ideal situation...

The most important thing here is that we have always been friends underneath this, and I will continue that role in his time of need, and I really understand your point about filling the empty spot in his bed; which I will not be doing
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Old 26th January 2009, 10:44 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebayou View Post
The most important thing here is that we have always been friends underneath this, and I will continue that role in his time of need, and I really understand your point about filling the empty spot in his bed; which I will not be doing
I think you"ve got it backwards. I'll wager that your emotional support and involvement was a bigger contributor to the break up of his marriage than the physical aspect of the affair. If you are sincere about giving him a chance to work things out at home, then go NC and let him have a fair chance to sort things out with his wife. Impossible to do with you standing on the sidelines ready to step in...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 26th January 2009, 9:50 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
I think you"ve got it backwards. I'll wager that your emotional support and involvement was a bigger contributor to the break up of his marriage than the physical aspect of the affair. If you are sincere about giving him a chance to work things out at home, then go NC and let him have a fair chance to sort things out with his wife. Impossible to do with you standing on the sidelines ready to step in...

Mr. Lucky
I never considered this point Mr Lucky so thank you
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Old 27th January 2009, 4:32 AM   #11
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I'm not sure how one assumes that this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebayou View Post
I did tell him that I would back off and leave him to it
means this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
If you are sincere about giving him a chance to work things out at home
I understood BB saying she wanted MM to decide for himself what he wanted, and to make the break (or otherwise) without her in the foreground as yet another demand on him.

I did not understand it as her saying, well, since I've settled for less than I wanted before, let me martyr myself and wave my handkerchief from the dock as his ship sails off again, knowing my place (as the evil OW) is never to find happiness.

Why SHOULD she "sincerely" want him to work things out with his W? She has admitted that the A was less than what she wanted; there is now a possibility of her getting more, and possibly all, of what she really wants. Why would she "sincerely" want to lose out on that chance?

OTOH, more realistically, she wants to be supportive and caring - this is, after all, a long-term friend as well as a lover - and have him work through the ending of his M with his W so that he can move on, free - hopefully to choose to be with her, but if not, free to be her friend without the burden of secrecy.
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Old 27th January 2009, 10:57 AM   #12
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Thank you OWoman.
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Old 27th January 2009, 11:40 AM   #13
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Hang in there with him!

Hang in there with him. He is telling you he needs you to be there. This means more than you realize! This is IF you really do love him and want to spent the rest of your life with him. If you don't - then move on now!

Kami
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Old 27th January 2009, 3:12 PM   #14
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Why SHOULD she "sincerely" want him to work things out with his W?
What I said was sincerely give him a "chance". And work things out doesn't only mandate a resolution that ends up with the WS staying in his marriage, it simply means allowing him to move through the process. Otherwise, she runs the risk of continued involvement with a man whose feeling are even further divided than they are now.

Bluebayou, is that what you want? Not sure if he wants to be with you, not sure if he wants to be with her?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 27th January 2009, 4:27 PM   #15
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Hilarious! OWoman said he "dumped his W" when it sounds more like his W dumped him! Especially since Bluebayou said that he was "upset, depressed and fed up".

Nice way to try to spin it, OWoman.

He was dumped by his W by his actions. He wants some company while he accepts that she is done with him. That's where blue comes in.

Now if that's what you want to be, only the OW or the rebound girl, then go for it. If you want more than that in a relationship with a man, leave him alone.
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