I want to stop wanting him!

[lunatic12]

There's a guy. We were together for four years, about 10 years ago. Then we both got married to other people and had no contact for 5 years. For the past 4 years or so, we have been on amiable terms: talking on the phone a few times a year, going out for a drink (maybe 5 times in 4 years), etc. This was working great, but in the past two or three months, I have become a total obsessive freak (hence the login name lunatic)! I think about him all the time, and want to sleep with him so bad. If there were some way I could be the other woman for him, I would do it in a heartbeat!

 

It's not that I want to get back together with him, because we don't work together as a couple. I don't want him to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband. But I DO want something with him. The problem is that although MY marriage is open and I can sleep with whomever I choose, HIS marriage is not, and he is not a cheater so it's not a possibility.

 

My question is this: How do I get over this obsessive idea that I want to sleep with him? I know nothing can come of my feelings. But I am thinking about him constantly! Can I have some constructive suggestions for how to get over him given that: 1) I already know that I don't want to be a couple with him or leave my husband, and 2) I already know that he's essentially off-limits to me sexually because of his beliefs about marriage. The methods I have already tried are focusing on his faults, listing the ways it would be a bad idea, and having sex more often with my husband.

 

Thanks for your advice! I am being honest because I want to feel better, so please leave your judgments behind.

[Geishawhelk]

.......Can I have some constructive suggestions for how to get over him given that: 1) I already know that I don't want to be a couple with him or leave my husband, and 2) I already know that he's essentially off-limits to me sexually because of his beliefs about marriage.

What better reasons do you need....?!

 

The methods I have already tried are focusing on his faults,

I'd be more inclined to focus on yours.....

 

listing the ways it would be a bad idea, and having sex more often with my husband.

I'm sure your husband would be delighted to know that the reason things have improved in the sack, is essentially because you're using him to stop yourself from shagging another guy......

 

Thanks for your advice! I am being honest because I want to feel better, so please leave your judgments behind.

No judgement here.

I just think you're looking at this arse about face.

 

It's your behaviour that is irrational.

It's your thinking that is unreasonable.

It's your desire which is exagerated.

 

It's up to you to just grow up, wise up and stop acting like an infatuated teenager.

 

I would suspect this other guy knows nothing about your idiotic fantasies.

So really, the only one being ridiculous, is you.

 

Cut it out.

[bentnotbroken]

Mr. Messy and I had a contract(which he didn't honor, but I digress), where if we had feelings for someone else, we would talk about it with the other. We would discuss the reasons that the feelings had surpassed friendship. What missing that opened the door for the feelings. I did this on a couple of occasions. I was always glad that I did. It stopped me dead in my tracks and allowed the feelings to be examined in the light of day. Being married doesn't mean you don't find yourself attracted to others, it means that you don't cross the boundaries that are a part of marriage, and any committed relationship really.

 

Speak with your H, and maybe consider a little tune up marriage counseling. I would also suggest a few books to help you stay strong in not helping these feelings grow and thrive.

 

And stop talking with the guy. Go no contact and stop fanning the flames.

[LavendarGirl]

What I understand you are saying is that you haven't increased seeing this guy lately, but your obsessive thoughts about him have increased (without him being around).

 

Maybe if you give some reflection to what brought about this recent obsession you can help yourself to get beyond it. Think about this obsession as temporary, and not a permanent state of mind. And whatever you do, so long as you are obsessing about him, don't get near him! No emails, phone calls, or in-person get togethers. It will only make things worse.

 

Don't try to focus on his negatives, because what you are going to then do in your mind is try to counter with his positives and it become a vicious cycle.

[frannie]

I agree with LG that asking yourself what was going on with you when you started developing more obsessional thoughts about being with him might be helpful.

 

I'd also say, that it's often not the thoughts/feelings in a situation which are the usual problem, but our thoughts about those thoughts/feelings. In other words, it's not the fact that you're thinking a lot about him that's the problem, but your reaction and panic and worry and perhaps feeling that you need to act on them that's the issue? So, perhaps just accept that you feel 'obsessional' and drawn to him inexplicably, but that that's fine, and you have your sensible reasons why it would not work out.

 

What I'm trying to say is, stop worrying about it, maybe it's not as big an issue as you think. Can you talk to anyone about it. I often find that if you put concerns into words, face to face with a friend, they begin to look small and insignificant... and you can end up laughing about what seemed like a big deal.

[bluebayou]

Is this sudden obsession perhaps masking somethine else that has come up in your current relationship / life?

 

Sometimes acknowledging and addressing other areas can help.

Sometimes focusing on the consequences of your actions can reduce the lust factor.

 

Has the other chap perhaps said something that has sparked an indication that something 'could' happen between you?