beyonddespair Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'm wondering just that. Do all MM man say the same thing to keep you hanging on? Heres my story. I'll take my bashing for being the OW in between some advice please. I meet my MM 6 years ago. We are both on our 2nd marriage and each have one adult child. We became best friends and were for 4 years before it became a PA. Until the last few months there was never any promises to leave and be with one another only dreams and "what if we were togethers". Recently, for the first time, I tried to break it off and it seemed to shock him. Now he says don’t give up on him and is telling me all kinds of stuff like hes going to go to an lawyer and see where he would stand if he gets a divorce. He wants me to wait for a couple of months to get his finances in order. He has a lot more than I do to loose. I told him we should quit until both of divorce and then see what happens. He said hes afraid to let me go because I’ll find someone else. He told me for several years he loves me and doesn’t have feelings for his wife and she doesn’t have feelings for him. Its just a matter of financial convince. I’m also afraid to walk away if he’s telling me the truth. I only tried to break it off because I’m physically and mentally tired of loving someone you cant have and the whole affair secretness. I would leave my husband for him. But my question was, do they all have the same patterns, lies, and speeches to keep you in the loop? [sIZE=2][/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I would leave my husband for him. But you won't leave your husband on your own, without MM waiting for you, right? IS it fair what you're doing to your current husband? Wanting another man, and will only divorce if the MM divorces too - But if MM doesn't divorce, you'll settle and stay married because ... ?? You won't be alone? Maybe telling your husband the truth will help, that way he can decide if he wants to stay married to you. He deserves someone who will love him and only him. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 First thing is that you need to assess your own marriage. You are willing to leave your H for this MM, but what is the situation between you and your H, not considering the promises that your MM is making? If you are truly unhappy with your M, get out. If you want to make your marriage work, you need to give up the MM and fix your marriage. It's that simple. But you can't have both men to meet your needs. You wanted to end this A recently. What prompted you to want to end things? Is it guilt over what this is doing to your M? Or, are you increasingly unhappy that your MM is not available/committed to you as a partner, and so you want to end things? Is it that you don't see any future here with your MM and so you want to call it quits before you let more time slip on by? For now, don't believe your MM just because he says these things. It's the actions, not the words, that make a difference. Just like you, if he is unhappy with his marriage, he owes it to himself and his wife to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I would say most do spew the same hot air. As there is always exceptions to every rule. I am curious if your H knows about the affair and if you have given him the opportunity to find someone to make him happy as well? If you haven't given him that option, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 : like hes going to go to an lawyer and see where he would stand if he gets a divorce" So, if he doesn't like where he will be left standing he won't get a divorce? Is this really love then? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I'm not going to be helpful. This just stood out to me. He said hes afraid to let me go because I’ll find someone else Aren't you married too? What he thinks you are going to go out and find another man to cheat on your husband with? That's a really odd thing to say unless I misread it. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Yes, they all pretty much say the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 We became best friends and were for 4 years before it became a PA. Until the last few months there was never any promises to leave and be with one another only dreams and "what if we were togethers". ... I’m also afraid to walk away if he’s telling me the truth. I only tried to break it off because I’m physically and mentally tired of loving someone you cant have and the whole affair secretness. I would leave my husband for him. Well yes, they do. Because the situations are so often the same. The thing is, if you read the forum for a while you'd see that MW involved with MM say the same thing too your post (the bits I snipped especially) has appeared here over and over and over... the reasoning why you're still married, the no longer love my husbands, I'd leave if he'd leave, we're just friends, etc. etc.: Because the situations, and the human reactions to the situations, are the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 It seems quite universal. If you start pulling back, a MP (man or woman) feels the loss of those chemical highs you bring (excitement, lust, infatuation) as well as the loss of your friendship of 4 years. So there is a counter-reaction. For at least a moment he/she reevaluates his/her life and really believes that he/she is going to leave his/her marriage. Then cold reality sets in and the emotions from the scare lessen a bit and its back to same old. I bet if he had pulled back on you first you might have had the same reaction and said, and believed, the same things. After all you are now saying you would leave your husband but you have that option now and you do not use it. If you were suddenly faced with the loss of your husband you might re-evaluate and say the same things to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyonddespair Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 I have accessed my marriage. I’m sure I will be divorced soon whether or not I end up with my MM. We went through my husbands affair several years ago. I forgave him. At first I thought my affair was a revenge type thing but I know that’s just an excuse. I tried to break it off to see if I could make my marriage work and was feeling guilty for both sides. I thought he would agree but that didn’t happen. I could almost see losing my H but cant see living my life not knowing my MM. I have spent the last couple of days looking at post on here and other sites. I am starting to see some patterns but not all. We are different in the way in that most have children issues and we are older. I just don’t know how to let him go. I know morally it’s the right thing and I shouldn’t have began it in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinning Head Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Yes, they all have the same patterns, lies and speeches to keep you in the loop! Amazing that it is that way but, after reading several posts on this site, it is apparent that they do. If you are both on second marriages, then MM has an idea of where he stands if he chooses to get a divorce. That comment about waiting so he can meet an attorney is a frequent one of the lies that MM/MW state. If you are unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, then you owe it to yourself, and your spouse, to bow out of the marriage and move forward in your life. The affair is fulfilling needs that your husband has failed to fulfill. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I have accessed my marriage. I’m sure I will be divorced soon whether or not I end up with my MM. We went through my husbands affair several years ago. I forgave him. At first I thought my affair was a revenge type thing but I know that’s just an excuse. I tried to break it off to see if I could make my marriage work and was feeling guilty for both sides. I thought he would agree but that didn’t happen. I could almost see losing my H but cant see living my life not knowing my MM. Others have asked but you haven't answered as to why you don't take the first step and end your unhappy marriage? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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