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Do you ever wish SHE would find out?


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I can't stop thinking about what would happen if MM's wife found out. Their divorce is pending (supposedly), but what pending divorce has a status court date in 3 months? Does that mean it's on hold for reconciliation? Either way, I just keep wishing she would find out about me. That way there would be no question on whether or not they should reconcile and everything would progress as it should be.

 

And I also wonder... if he does dump me to stay with her and work it out, I might as well tell her anyway. What else have I got to lose? I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies?

 

Curious to hear everyone's opinions...

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IfWishesWereHorses

might as well tell her anyway. What else have I got to lose? I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies?

 

Well, that's kind of the road you chose. If you were going to do her a favor, I'm sure she would have prefered something different. She isn't responsible for your poor decisions, why would you punish her? Are you a sore looser???

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I can't stop thinking about what would happen if MM's wife found out. Their divorce is pending (supposedly), but what pending divorce has a status court date in 3 months? Does that mean it's on hold for reconciliation? Either way, I just keep wishing she would find out about me. That way there would be no question on whether or not they should reconcile and everything would progress as it should be.

 

And I also wonder... if he does dump me to stay with her and work it out, I might as well tell her now. What else have I got to lose? I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies?

 

Curious to hear everyone's opinions...

 

Motives, check your motives. Do not be evil. She has not done you wrong. Do not delude yourself into thinking letting her know is a favor to her....it's not...because your motive counts.

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There is really no reason for you to tell her. If there are or are not divorce proceedings pending there are obviously major marital problems.. he is having an affair.. How long have you been with him? Telling her will not make him want you even if she divorces him because you told her. YOu have nothing to gain by telling her anything!

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I can't stop thinking about what would happen if MM's wife found out. Their divorce is pending (supposedly), but what pending divorce has a status court date in 3 months? Does that mean it's on hold for reconciliation? Either way, I just keep wishing she would find out about me. That way there would be no question on whether or not they should reconcile and everything would progress as it should be.

 

And I also wonder... if he does dump me to stay with her and work it out, I might as well tell her anyway. What else have I got to lose? I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies?

 

Curious to hear everyone's opinions...

 

Why In The WORLD Would You Want Her To Be Hurt When She Doesn't Have To Be?

 

So, If Things Don't Work Out In Your Favor, You Would Actually Hurt Both Him And Her Because You're Hurt, So They Should Be Too?

 

I Am Speechless. :sick:

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ok, lets not be so hard on her, we have all had thoughts of telling the bw. I think this is a normal thought. Its not like we go through with it. There have been times way back I felt the same, and I am sure ow/om have felt the same. I think its the thought that mm/mw can go back to their m, tossing aside the AP and continuing on without skipping a beat. While the AP suffers. Human nature, you want that person to hurt just like you do. Of Coarse AP does not want to hurt BS, but in the moment they do not see the damage this would do to the inocent BS. This feeling will pass, do not act on your thoughts, like most OW/MM, you will not act out on these thoughts... Good luck

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DealingWDrama
I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies?

 

Curious to hear everyone's opinions...

 

As a BS, I believe you would be doing her a serious favor by telling her. Your relationship didn't break up their marriage - there are other issues that led to him seeking a relationship outside of his marriage.

 

Look at his actions to tell you the truth - his words mean NOTHING! Absolutely nothing. Ask yourself - is he still living at home? is he hiding this from you? When you are in a real realtionship there are no secrets and no way you could step over a boundary. Are you going out into public together? Are you a priorit in his life? Answer these questions to yourself and then decide what you are willing to be in your life. Don't waste your time waiting on a man who is on the fence.

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DealingWDrama

Also remember that the BS being told often leads to the MM seeing what he has done to his marriage, children, reputation, family, and life in general. Some times it leads to a huge light bulb going off in the MM's head and he will remember why he got married to his wife who I am sure he has told you he can't stand and all kinds of other aweful things about. He's in the fog - he thinks he can have both worlds and live happily ever after as long as no one finds out about his deception in the first place.

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I think a BW should always know about the affair in any way possible. I doubt the OP has any motive that's not purely selfish, but I do believe that the BW is always better off knowing the truth.

 

The truth gives the BW a chance to connect the dots. To give a reason for the times when she has wondered "What the heck is going on?" I'm sure most BW can look back, once they know about the affair, and realize that there were signs, but they just didn't have the info to see them for what they really were.

 

Knowing the truth allows the BW to move forward in life, with or without her H, with eyes wide open. Without the truth there will always be a part of her life that she is unaware of and that is really cruel. She deserves to make choices in her life based on reality.

 

As far as the OP and the MM, I wish them well. I hope that he goes through with the divorce and they are able to be together. And, please give the BW the truth so that she can move on knowing for sure that she will be so much better off without him.

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InvisibleGirl

I think she deserves to know and I think one day she will finally have had enough and hope she will find the strength to leave him. I dont hope that she finds out because I want him because I'm done with him but I want her to find out because he's been living a lie to her for 22 years and I'm sure life with him is hell on earth....

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Why do you want the W to know? Revenge? Vindicativeness? What does it really proves?

 

Even post Divorce, what guarantees are there that MM will not go back to his W? One of the other forummers posted a link not to long ago about TOWdippers and it said, most MM goes back to their W approx 6months time.

 

Sorry but I do not see the reason of ever enlightening the W, if MM wants to confess or tell his W, fine. But as far as I am concerned, its not my story to tell. Their M are complicated enough without someone like me to stir.

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but I want her to find out because he's been living a lie to her for 22 years and I'm sure life with him is hell on earth....

 

Has he been in affair with you for 22 years? SO their whole marriage was a lie from day one? Just wondering.

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I am in the don't tell camp, but wonder why you would tell if things didn't go your way.

 

That's just mean.

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Even post Divorce, what guarantees are there that MM will not go back to his W? One of the other forummers posted a link not to long ago about TOWdippers and it said, most MM goes back to their W approx 6months time.

 

They do? Gosh, mine's seriously overdue then, I'd best tell him to do that rather than wasting his time discussing the finer details of planning our M! :lmao: Camay - I haven't read the article you're referring to but the only such stories I've heard have been here; I don't know a single MM IRL who's gone back to his W having left - and I know a great many MMs who left.

 

 

Back o/t - there are pros and cons both ways. Telling a BW to precipitate a DDay may well push the MM "off the fence" one way or another, ending that awful space so many OWs seem to inhabit for so long of waiting... waiting... waiting.... but IMO it could precipitate action that (1) is the opposite of what you want (e.g. he gets angry at you for breaking his trust, and takes it out on you cruelly before exiting your life without you having time to respond or gain closure) or (2) he is not yet emotionally ready to take (e.g. he leaves his W / she kicks him out. He feels he's been ejected from a M he wasn't yet done with and spends all his time living in regret for the past - and possibly even going back and begging to be given another chance, as Camay's post suggested), or (3) you just don't see coming (e.g. he denies it, she believes it, he makes up some story about you being a psycho stalker and they BOTH round on you and next the cops are knocking on your door with a RO...).

 

You can't anticipate what the consequences are going to be - for her, for him or for you. So the best bet is to make sure that any action you take or don't take is motivated by values and aims absolutely in keeping with your conscience and your belief system, so that you'll have no PERSONAL regrets if things go skew and the outcome isn't as you'd foreseen.

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What else have I got to lose? I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies?

 

Curious to hear everyone's opinions...

 

You chose your way when you started to date MM. You are totally not doing any favors by telling her. YOU don't need to tell anything to BW.

 

Don't be a revengeful, be above of that kind of act. you can. Be strong!

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I think most OW at one time or another probably think about 'what if she found out', or 'she needs to know' or something along those lines. Personally my feelings on this came from pure irritation with the way MM was able to call all the shots because she didn't know what he was up to. I felt that if she knew, then he'd no longer be 'puppet-master' (not explaining this very well no doubt!), and we'd all be at least living in more or less the same reality.

 

Essentially, I hated the lies, and it maddened me that he was willing to let them continue for as long as he did. At the same time, with her not knowing, it held him back from doing what he supposedly wanted to do. I'm still angry at the impotence I felt when she didn't know.

 

All that's different now, and it feels something of a relief. She knows he's a cheater. So if she chooses to stay with him now, I feel less guilty about talking to him. She's had her warning and can take her chances with him..? I don't know.

 

What I will say to the OP is: if she does find out, it is more likely to make any divorce that may happen a messier affair. So... you might want to look closer at potential outcomes should she 'find out'.

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I think most OW at one time or another probably think about 'what if she found out', or 'she needs to know' or something along those lines. Personally my feelings on this came from pure irritation with the way MM was able to call all the shots because she didn't know what he was up to. I felt that if she knew, then he'd no longer be 'puppet-master' (not explaining this very well no doubt!), and we'd all be at least living in more or less the same reality.

 

Essentially, I hated the lies, and it maddened me that he was willing to let them continue for as long as he did. At the same time, with her not knowing, it held him back from doing what he supposedly wanted to do. I'm still angry at the impotence I felt when she didn't know.

 

All that's different now, and it feels something of a relief. She knows he's a cheater. So if she chooses to stay with him now, I feel less guilty about talking to him. She's had her warning and can take her chances with him..? I don't know.

 

What I will say to the OP is: if she does find out, it is more likely to make any divorce that may happen a messier affair. So... you might want to look closer at potential outcomes should she 'find out'.

Oh Frannie you're not talking to him again are you?

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Oh Frannie you're not talking to him again are you?

 

Oh don't sound so disappointed in me. Yes, talking. I'm sure some would split hairs or say I'm splitting hairs, but the affair is over. Told him I'd only see him again if he ends his marriage. But yes, I do talk to him on the phone if he calls.

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I've given up on conjecture - whether regarding a situation or person.

 

The xmm's wife filed for divorce after dday. The divorce was stopped twice for reconciliation attempts. After the second start-up, the courts warned them that if they stopped proceedings once more they faced possible contempt of court charges. The divorce was finalized. He moved in with me.

 

Six months later the xmm began seeing the BS without my knowledge. Six months after that I had my own dday.

 

They are now living together. I'm done. He still states that he is unhappy, they have no chemistry, he is thinking of ending it for good...blah blah blah. I no longer listen. I am done.

 

The sad thing is that he knows that he can do ANYTHING and she will take him back. I shouldn't be talking though..I let him go back 2 times without ending it myself.

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The sad thing is that he knows that he can do ANYTHING and she will take him back. I shouldn't be talking though..I let him go back 2 times without ending it myself.

 

You know, there is another way of seeing this that doesn't make her look bad as she wasn't the person that left you behind. He is.

 

I see that you see that you also let him go back two times without ending it yourself. But I take a little bit further, for some personal introspection. I think the sad thing is that you blame HER for taking him back and not HIM for leaving you - more than once.

 

If they went through with the divorce and still got back together - there is something there that he either wants or tons of unfinished business. I hope you won't take him back a third or fourth time. Because it seems you are really projecting your disappointment in yourself onto her (she may be doing the same thing, but she isn't posting about it).

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Where in my post did I blame the BS? I was simply relaying my experience to the threadstarter. You read way more into it than was there. I know where my respnsibility lies.

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Oh don't sound so disappointed in me. Yes, talking. I'm sure some would split hairs or say I'm splitting hairs, but the affair is over. Told him I'd only see him again if he ends his marriage. But yes, I do talk to him on the phone if he calls.

 

 

I am disappointed. I was really happy for you whn you ended it. Why? Why Frannie?

and you are really kidding yourself by assuaging your guilt saying she knows he cheated so you don't feel guilt. No Frannie she thinks he's a former cheater who finally reccommited to his marriage.

You will compare evry man to this lying loser if you kep talking to him but hy you could gt lucky and she'll find out and you'll get your prince.:sick:

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Where in my post did I blame the BS? I was simply relaying my experience to the threadstarter. You read way more into it than was there. I know where my respnsibility lies.

 

I didn't say "blame" either. You don't see it but I am sure that others do. I apologize as I am really not interested in over analyzing your situation. I just wanted to give you a way of taking HER out of the equation. What she does or doesn't do with him is never any of your concern, really. So if she wants to take him back isn't really the question. The question is does HE want to go back to her. We can want a man all day long, but it doesn't make him come to us. KWIM.

 

Again, I wasn't trying to go too far but your post about him getting away with stuff really stood out to me and I wanted to express my opinion on the matter.

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