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I found my first love


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Hi, hope I can get some good advice on this one

 

I've been happily married for many years, really no big issues, I've always been a faithful companion and supporter to my wife, and have loved her, very, very much and we have a baby. A year ago, I got a message from my first love. We got together in high school, and we were so in love with each other, we shared our passion for literature, music and movies. It a was a very beautiful relationship. But she had family pressures and problems that made her finish the relationship, but she never told me why. I was really devastated, I thought she didn't wanted to know anything about me so I had to let her go. In almost two decades I never heard anything about her, but never forgot her, I always remembered her, when I went to a concert, or a broadway show, or found her in the eyes and smiles of many people. I tried to find her through the Internet but never found her, it was really frustrating to know that I would never see her again. So when she sent me the message, we instantly clicked. I learned that she was married, and she was living very far away in another country. After a few weeks, I started to remember the feelings I had for her, like they were never forgotten. I had to ask her what happened and she told me that she never stopped loving me in all this years, that she was not strong enough to continue the relationship with all her family pressures. We feel like we're part of one another, like we're soulmates. We've been sending mails every day and we have seen each other 3 times in a year. I thought that with time this feelings would fade away but they've become stronger. It's very difficult, I don't want to leave her because it's been two decades without knowing anything about her and she's been such a big influence in my life, but I don't feel that my love for her will fade away, and on the other side I have a child that I have to be there for him.

 

What to do?

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Hi Belmont, 20 years is a LONG time. I would suggest you go NC. the reason I say that is people change in 20 years.. This person from your past is not the same person you have in your memory. Why would you put your marriage on the line for a memory from 20 years ago? You cannot bring back the past... and if it had been "meant to be, it would have worked 20 years ago... it was not meant to be...So stop trying to live in the past, or you will jepordize your life you have today. Very stupid to go down this path, imho...

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Read The Love of Your Life by Susan Baur. It's a wonderful book about the power of true loves, and how you can learn and gain from it. Make this a positive experience instead of a negative one impacting many peoples lives.

 

--LG.

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She gave you up before.

What? -- she's now 'strong enough' to face her family (they are still in her life, aren't they?) and destroy her marriage (+kids?) to change her mind and try re-take her option that she already gave up before?!

 

Look, you are married. You cannot carry on with this ex-flame of yours just because you still love her. People ARE capable of loving more than one person, but that doesn't negate your marriage vows.

 

Please tell me that your respective spouses know about your three meetings in the past year? That they know about you keeping in regular contact? No?!

 

There is no re-do... this is not a video game... you both chose to move on (yes, even you -- you got married, didn't you?) so you have different lives. What you are doing is just allowing yourselves to get into an affair (right? is it an Emotional Affair still at this point, or has it become a Physical affair yet? because that is where you are headed. Do you believe in having two wives? Or in being monogamous?)

 

Seriously you guys are playing with fire.

 

And I noticed your only concern was your son -- what about your wife, the one you loved so very very much before Ms Special came back into your life?

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We feel like we're part of one another, like we're soulmates. We've been sending mails every day and we have seen each other 3 times in a year. I thought that with time this feelings would fade away but they've become stronger. It's very difficult, I don't want to leave her because it's been two decades without knowing anything about her and she's been such a big influence in my life, but I don't feel that my love for her will fade away, and on the other side I have a child that I have to be there for him.

 

What to do?

 

Belmont, I've had this experience too. I'm still sort of having it, in a way. I thought the world of my first love. We were due to wed 21 years ago, but she broke it off 2 weeks before the wedding. I never found out why!

 

I hoped to hear from her all those years but she never wrote. Then a year ago, I finally got the courage up to write. She wrote back, but was cold and officious. Her next letter cracked that façade and we ended up meeting up. It was a very carefully planned day designed to try and give each other closure. She had left me all those years ago because she knew that once we married, she would never leave. It was a scary prospect at that time for a young girl of 20.

 

So now she has 5 children and a husband who is emotionally cold. On the other hand, I have now shown up and our feelings are the same as ever. We were soulmates back then, and nothing has changed. It's truly wonderful spending any amount of time with her.

 

Sadly, there is no happy ending to this story. I am separated and about to divorce, but I'm unwilling to take on 5 children. It's hard to know what to do though, because we click in so many ways. She has been such a major influence on my life.

 

I wish I knew what to suggest for you. The thing I came to appreciate after all of this was that my ex-wife and ex-fiancée each had substantial qualities. My ex-fiancée and I were temperamentally compatible, and this factored amazingly into sex (OMG), play and companionship. But my ex-wife was a slightly better intellectual match, and I've found myself missing her in that regard. I couldn't have it all.

 

And sadly, you can never really go back, either. As we have more and more life experiences, we create more and more bonds. What was once simple becomes complicated. I think you probably know that too, and I imagine you aren't all that serious about leaving your wife (correct me if I am wrong).

 

It's very difficult, I don't want to leave her because it's been two decades without knowing anything about her and she's been such a big influence in my life

 

That's an unusual word you chose there. Do you feel you are abandoning your first love if you go NC? I said only yesterday to my first love that I think we will need to find a way to "hold each other lightly". By that I mean having some contact, but without promises of being together, and allowing each other to enjoy our own relationships.

 

It's a difficult position to be in, but I hope you'll find what you need here.

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In case you haven't noticed you two aren't kids anymore, you both are married, haven't seen each other in over 20 years and all of a sudden, out of the blue you're gonna get back together again. Despite it being first love the chances of you two getting back together peacefully, without any problems are 0. You're fine the way you are and if you want the feelings to go away, to stop before they eat you alive, I suggest NC.

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Most marriage vows contain a line like "foresaking all others...", This might be what they are refering to. My advice, concentrate on your wife and make her the love of your life , not someone from 20 years ago.

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bentnotbroken

*****slapping my forehead*****Here we go again. Your wife is a good woman and you say you love her, but here you are fawning over someone you knew x-amount of years ago. Get a freaking grip. You aren't the same as 20 years ago and I am sure your first love isn't the same either.

 

Look we all have people who were our first loves and we remember them fondly. But to give a good marriage and a family for something that may never live up to your expectations (delusions, fantasy) whatever you want to call it is ludicrous. Not to mention, what did your marriage vows mean to you? And how would you feel if your wife was pulling the same dumb stunt?:confused::sick:

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I'd consult the latest edition Of "Tiger Beat" magazine to see if there is any advice there. Then, I'd start reading as many Harlequin Romance novels as possible to get a handle on how these things go.

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phoenixrising

... those who have not yet met their true soul mate really cannot be expected to understand the feelings and connections that are brought to the table (even when married) once the two people meet... the best advice - and how I have also successfully dealt with this, came from a previous poster:

 

...find a way to "hold each other lightly". By that I mean having some contact, but without promises of being together, and allowing each other to enjoy our own relationships."

It took me four long years to begin to understand and come to grips with this. I'm single, and made the choice to be the OW when I found my true soulmate in my middle age years... there was no question, and still is no question, that he's "the one". But this decision was made with a lot of ignorance, and resulted in a lot of pain, and this was not the solution. That being said, I now know that while we choose not to go complete NC, we also cannot be together. So we speak rarely, keep any element of romance out of the conversation, support each other in our current relationships, and accept without longing. Takes a while to get there - I don't know that I'm quite there yet - but I'm learning. And I think it's important to share these thoughts with your wife/life partner. rather than have it be a big secret you keep.

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This is why allowing past flames, especially ones you never got over, back into your life.

 

EVERYTHING was fine in your life BEFORE your ex crept back in.

 

Ofcourse feelings are there, and you're allowing them to be fed by keeping intouch with her, seeing her.

 

Imagine how you would feel if your husband was doing what you were doing with an ex girlfriend, hiding it from you and fantasizing about her, wishing she was his wife and not you.

 

You need to end the friendship now otherwise you'll end up losing your wife and home as you know it now.

 

You also don't know WHO this woman is NOW, both of you are caught up in past feelings and a lost love, all based on stuff that has nothing to do with real life and reality.

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Thanks all for your replies.

 

Yes I know a lot of years have passed, but that is what we've been doing the last year, trying to figure out who we are now. So we've been talking a lot of our life in this 20 years and what we do right now. But we are in love with who we were and who we are right now. In this situation, is not that we were looking forward for this to happen. In my six years of marriage I've never looked for a love interest. The moment that I read her message and found out about her it all came back, we were not looking for it, it just came back. So I liked a lot the suggestion of "hold each other lightly", that's what we've been doing this last year, trying to understand what's happening to us, and at the same time support each others marriages. It's very difficult, I hope that with time we could learn to live this and gain positive experience in our lives.

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Then you owe your wife the truth. Tell her you've reconnected with a past girlfriend, that you're INLOVE with that person and you need to get divorced. Staying with your wife now when you love someone else isn't fair to her. I mean, she should have a new start to her life as well, yes? To meet and find another man, someone who will love her and only her.

 

Or, are you just happy having another woman on the side and keeping your life, marriage as well?

 

Sorry to sound harsh here, but you're being SELFISH.

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phoenixrising

WWIU is correct - you'll end up losing your wife and home as you know it now. The sad part is, that the moment the other person enters your life, your relationship with your life, wife, and home as you know it has already changed, and it's difficult to go back unless the feelings for the OW end. And letting it "run its course" hoping they'll go away doesn't work, and affects the marriage negatively. That's why you need to love your spouses enough to speak with them before things get out of hand. Go to THEM about this, not the other person!! By discussing who you both are and who you have become with the OW/OM you create intimacy that is being taken from your spouse. You end up drawing yourselves in deeper and deeper, resulting in more pain than you can imagine right now.

 

If you choose not to speak with your spouse about this, it would be best to go NC with the OW, and decide who you are and what you want on your own. Don't allow yourself to go the easy way through this - being a cake eater who has a bit of each woman, depending upon what your needs are at the moment... it's the most hurtful route to go for all persons involved.

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bentnotbroken
Thanks all for your replies.

 

Yes I know a lot of years have passed, but that is what we've been doing the last year, trying to figure out who we are now. So we've been talking a lot of our life in this 20 years and what we do right now. But we are in love with who we were and who we are right now. In this situation, is not that we were looking forward for this to happen. In my six years of marriage I've never looked for a love interest. The moment that I read her message and found out about her it all came back, we were not looking for it, it just came back. So I liked a lot the suggestion of "hold each other lightly", that's what we've been doing this last year, trying to understand what's happening to us, and at the same time support each others marriages. It's very difficult, I hope that with time we could learn to live this and gain positive experience in our lives.

 

 

 

That's a crappy justification for cheating "soul mates" and we can't help it. Bull. You make conscious choices about what you will and won't do all day long. If you couldn't help, every time someone pissed you off you would be letting that anger take over. You make a choice not to go with that feeling and a choice not to let it go further into chaos. You are making a choice right now to lead your life, your family into chaos and you don't care. There is nothing that I would do to ever hurt my children, and cheating on your wife hurts your child.

 

Do you think your wife won't notice a change, no matter how subtle it is if you continue to feed into this fantasy? You can't give to both women equally. Do really think so little of the mother of your child, who by your own admission has done nothing to you?

 

IF you are so sure this is the right thing for your marriage and for you, why not sit down with your wife and tell her to look up and old flame and reconnect. Maybe the feelings she had for that person will come flooding back and she can experience all the same feelings you are experiencing. Maybe she can put her vows and her family on the back burner to see where the path of TRUE LOVE leads her? Don't you think that is fair? I mean what is good for the goose is good for the gander, don't you agree?

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Then you owe your wife the truth. Tell her you've reconnected with a past girlfriend, that you're INLOVE with that person and you need to get divorced. Staying with your wife now when you love someone else isn't fair to her. I mean, she should have a new start to her life as well, yes? To meet and find another man, someone who will love her and only her.

 

Or, are you just happy having another woman on the side and keeping your life, marriage as well?

 

Sorry to sound harsh here, but you're being SELFISH.

 

 

This is so right. Why is your life, your fulfullment more important than your wife's. Shouldn't she be advised that you consider your vows unilateral and they do not apply to you, so she can act accordingly? Why do you get to venture out and find true love when she is stuck abiding by the terms of your agreement. In essence, you are saying to your wife "Me and my life are more important than you and yours. I deserve true love. You can have scraps."

What is it about WSs that they do not realize that BSs are not chopped liver, lesser beings that have no right to seek the same happiness that WSs do? Maybe your wife, if advised of what you are doing could look for an upgrade over you, as well. Or, are you just such a catch that even the scraps of your attentiuon should satisfy this lesser being, your wife. Incredible narcissisim.

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You call this woman 'The Love of my life'. But your poor wife, doesn't she get the chance to be the love of someone's life? Must she go to her grave being second best?

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That's a crappy justification for cheating "soul mates" and we can't help it. Bull. You make conscious choices about what you will and won't do all day long.

 

Spoken like someone who's never been there. Crappy or not, it is what it is.

 

I agree with Phoenixrising on this. But no doubt PR's approach is not good enough for the Moral Minority, who would prefer the OP to whip himself with birch branches.

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bentnotbroken
Spoken like someone who's never been there. Crappy or not, it is what it is.

 

I agree with Phoenixrising on this. But no doubt PR's approach is not good enough for the Moral Minority, who would prefer the OP to whip himself with birch branches.

 

 

Never been where? Attracted to someone I wasn't married to? Found myself thinking of someone who makes my panties wet? Been there done that, probably will do it again. The choice wasn't to hurt anyone, including myself and especially my family. There is no exclusive contracts on being attracted to anyone.

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Spoken like someone who's never been there. Crappy or not, it is what it is.

 

I agree with Phoenixrising on this. But no doubt PR's approach is not good enough for the Moral Minority, who would prefer the OP to whip himself with birch branches.

 

His wife will take care of his whipping, in divorce court, when she finds out, so no need for him to bother.

 

He gave up the right to develop relationships with first loves, old loves, and new loves when he married. He is an adult, a husband, and a father, and his responsibility is to them. He should never have opened this door, but now that he has, he should be open with his wife and tell her that he's involved with another woman so his wife can make her own informed choices about what kind of love she wants in HER life.

 

My guess is he'll find himself out in the cold, because his soul mate won't take that step with him and won't leave her husband, regardless of stirring up his old feelings. She's going to use her husband to support her and however many children they may have, while using ole belmont here for ego strokes and validation.

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My guess is he'll find himself out in the cold, because his soul mate won't take that step with him and won't leave her husband, regardless of stirring up his old feelings.

 

You appear to have missed the part where Belmont said he was staying with his wife.

 

Thanks for playing.

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Never been where? Attracted to someone I wasn't married to?

 

No, met a first-love again later in life. Very different situation.

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OP, a couple questions:

 

1. Are both your spouses aware of your *past* involvement?

 

2. What was the interactive content of your personal meetings?

 

3. You mentioned you love your wife very, very much. That's great. How's the marriage? Be honest. What impelled you to continue to search for your past GF during an otherwise healthy and satisfying marriage?

 

Your emotions are valid. The work is making healthy behavioral choices and recognizing the impact of those choices pursuant to what you believe is your moral code.

 

I've walked this path (and still do) and wish you well :)

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bentnotbroken
No, met a first-love again later in life. Very different situation.

 

 

Actually you would assume that I haven't met my first love again. Actually I have and we see each other occasionally when we both visit the home town at the same time. Met his wife, very nice lady, they have two sons. He holds a special place in my heart and his mother to this day calls me her DIL. That is what a past love is....in the past. Do I love him, in a way. We remember the past and love to play "remember when?" Do I want to rekindle and have an affair with him, why would I do that to his wife or myself? We had some great times together. We were both athletic and enjoyed playing b-ball and softball togehter. So now what....I'm not human and I can't know what it is to love like a human?

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No, met a first-love again later in life. Very different situation.

 

Oh please. You admitted you didn't go off into the sunset with your first love because you were unwilling to take on her five kids.

 

Hardly the romance of the century was it?

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