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MM what would you do?


SLEEPLESS IN NJ

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SLEEPLESS IN NJ

I'm so heartbroken....I fell in love with a MM man....and been with him for a year and a 1/2 and now I think its over... Ok here is the story....

 

I started a new job and had such a crush on this man I knew nothing about him other then he was very attractive and had no ring on his finger. We caught eyes a couple times and since we didnt work in the same depts. I didnt even know his name til our xmas party a year ago. We both were at the coat check and he said "i dont think we have been formally introduced" I then learned his name.

 

After that I sent him an email and we became such great friends over email. We would email each other all day while at work. I asked him if he was with anyone he said no...we talked about everything...I was going through alot and on top of it all just getting out of a really bad abusive relationship so he was my angel and saved me. He always would ask me to lunch but I always said no. This went on for about a month. I felt like I knew him my whole life. It was so easy for me to speak with him on the phone @ work, and over email.

 

Then one day I agreed to meet him out for a drink after work. We had a great time and well after the night ended I kissed him. Yes I kissed him! I dont know what it was, I just wanted to kiss him....It was amazing and ever since that night we didnt stop.

 

Ok, so a couple days later he told me that he was separated from his wife. I freaked out!!!! He told me that he doesnt speak with her or see her and that she doesnt live in his house. Im 28 years old and never was in this situation before. He is the sweetest, loving most caring man that has ever entered my life. I tried to stay away, but I failed. He even tried to stay away and he failed too. We love each other. He told me that he cheated on his wife before and she left him. He also told me that he got married young and he never felt way he feels towards me to anyone in his whole life. I felt bad I dont judge people by there past its just not me and I had already fallen for this man.

 

So then, One night we got into a little fight and I said some very hurt full things to him and at that very moment I knew by the look on his face and in his eyes that he loved me. He then came out and told me that it was all a lie that his wife cheated on him and that he would never take her back. (Im a little difficult at times it was hard for me to know he was married I always wanted to be the first women in the man I loves life) Once he said that I gave this man my heart, my soul, myself.

 

Since we worked together I stopped working at that job. we spent the whole summer together everyday/night we were inseparable so in love that people would even tell us that on the beach.

 

Then things started to go down hill we had a fight here and there I was always very insecure when his phone would ring, or when he took a call. He got upset and tells me that there isnt anything to worry about..etc... but Im not dumb. So I started to snoop around and when I was calling him one night I was going to hangup I hit the # button rather then off and it said enter password so I tried his bday and it worked! I listened to his voicemail and heard his wife messages. There were two. I checked and wrote down the # she called from. One was the house the other was her cell.

 

I freaked out, since he told me she doesnt live there. I had never gone to his house because that was just too hard on me (i do have a heart and I never would want that to happen to me if I was married) So I blocked my number and called the house line. I dont remember what I said but his wife was calling me a names...I did call her names back and said that you are the who*re that cheated on him. It got ugly. He called me the next day and told me that he lied to me and that he did cheat on his wife. He told me that he made up that she cheated on him b/c he was upset. We stopped talking for about a month.

 

Im not sure if I called him or he called me but we started talking again and wanted to just be friends so we meet up for lunch started all over again. We both didnt trust each other 100% he was still very bitter over me breaking into his v/m and calling his house etc.(I know I was wrong but I was just looking for answers. I hate not knowing.) We got through the hoildays together that was very hard on me since now that I know she is living in the house with him but he always calls me everynight before bed, and texts me and makes me feel ok some night are better then other some arent.

 

Then last week we got into a big fight b/c I was feeling so insecure and he got mad and told me that he cant do this anymore we talked and talked and then made up and made love. Then two days later we had another fight over the phone I just couldnt take it the fighting and I called his wife's cell phone while he was on my other line and told her that we have never stop seeing each other....he hungup on me and I havent heard from him...

 

I then immediately regretted calling her and kept trying to call him and didnt hear from him so I packed up everything he gave me pics, and all and went over to his house and dropped it off. I was leaving it between the doors and thats when the cops show up. Him and his came out side Im not sure what they were saying I was so scared and nervous. I told the cops my story and should them his text from the night before and pics of us in my cell phone from the week before and he told the cops he didnt want to press charges on me.

 

So now here I am.....I need help Im a mess. I left him a couple voicemails and sent him so text but nothing. I havent heard from him since tues. What should I do???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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Hi Sleepless, I have two thoughts, First one is that this A is done, he is happily married and just wanted some fun on the side. If this is the case, I doubt you will hear from him again since now he is kissing her AZZ and throwing you under the bus, saying your a stalker, and your lying... A man who does not plan to leave and wants a ow, wants one that he can trust to keep the A a secret... Now if you two have really fallen in love, he may contact you again after the dust settles.. He will tell you he needs time to work out things at home, and that you will be together soon... Its all about keeping status quo. He will want to do everyhing on his time, which will take years, becasue alot of fear is there on his side. Do you really want to wait years? I would suggest you go nc, if he does call you end it for now, saying he can call you when he is single..Its way too painful to wait... keep yourself busy, surround yourself with friends... I am sorry for you pain, wishing you the best...

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SLEEPLESS IN NJ

Thxs Mino...I see your point...this is so painful I want to patch things up and at least not end on bad terms. He was my best friend, my only friend at times. Now to see it all end like this breaks my heart like you wont believe.

 

Everytime my phone rings, I get a text, an email I just keep wishing it was him. I'm not a strong person I cant handle this pain.

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You need to leave him alone, for your own sanity. They called the police on you, or atleast his wife did, so now any further contact on your behalf will make it worse.

 

Please get some counselling, it seems you're having a really hard time dealing with the affair being over and him out of your life. You have no choice now but to let go and do your best to heal.

 

He isn't going to call you, even more so now that his wife knows that he's been cheating on her again.

 

This guy isn't worth your tears. He's cheated on his wife in the past, and he cheated on her again, with you. Even if they DID divorce, do you think you could trust him? A man who said vows infront of family and friends to wife, he STILL cheated on her! Don't you think he's capable of cheating on you as well? Just think of all the lies he told you and he didn't even tell you he was married right away. He is a pig and you can do better, so again, please do your best to make the feelings go away. He is no saviour!

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FORGET HIM, AND MOVE ON!!!!! HE THREW YOU UNDER THE BUS, and in my eyes there would not be a damn thing that this man could do to remedy this.

Hopefully, this will be a lesson learned......no judgements here, but leave the mm of this world alone. You know the old cliche"if he's done it to her (his w) he'll do it to you", I know that you don't want to believe that about your mm, but believe me, actions speak louder than words.

 

Chalk it up to experience, and let it go, otherwise you'll end up with more heartache. Trust this.

 

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

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...I was going through alot and on top of it all just getting out of a really bad abusive relationship so he was my angel and saved me.

 

Very soon, once the fog lifts you will see how fantasy-like this was. NO man can rescue you, save you from your pain. Now you're left with MORE pain..

 

Definately look into counselling.

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SLEEPLESS IN NJ

I didnt give him much of a choice but to toss me under the bus. I called her and I went to the house I was at fault.

 

Whichwayisup ~ thank you for the tough love as hard as it is to read. Its just so hard. I love this man I made him my world.

 

Deegee ~ Thank you too! People learns from there mistakes I felt that he loved me, but maybe I was wrong. I dont know anymore but I think that he would of changed and not cheated on me I felt his love so much that there was never any doubt in my mind that he would do that to me.

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It boggles my mind that you could be a member of Loveshack for almost FIVE years and still enter into an affair. Had I known about this site before I'd gotten involved in mine, it would never have happened. It makes me think any advice given to you will go in one ear and out the other.

 

Anyway, there is nothing you can do but move on. You ratted him out. If you were willing to stay as an affair partner, or even just friends, you blew it by telling on him.

 

He cannot, and will not, ever trust you again. Cops have been called. Move on.

 

Consider yourself lucky and try and start the process of healing. You've been given a CHANCE to get your life back. The guy was a cheater before he met you and he'll cheat again, just not with you. Be glad. He can go live his miserable life, and trash someone else's life in the process, and you get yours back. Not a bad trade. I know you don't see it now but you will in the long run.

 

Congratulations and good luck!( a year of NC with this guy and you'll know what I mean by congrats). ;)

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SLEEPLESS IN NJ

Die Hard ~ Yes Im a member of Loveshack for almost FIVE years Im sorry I never thought that I would be involved in a situation like this. I dont think its anyones dreams to fall in love with a MM/MW. If he told me he was married none of this would of happened. I would of walked away.

 

Do you guys think that I made them closer b/c of what I done rather then push them further apart?? Im so upset, I really want to speak with him what should I do....

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Do you guys think that I made them closer b/c of what I done rather then push them further apart?? Im so upset, I really want to speak with him what should I do....
No I think telling his wife made him want you more. I think you should go ever there and bang on the door, start crying and demand answers.

 

There, is that what you want to hear? Because I don't think you want help at all. You think someone here is going to give you some advice that will enable you to get him back after all that's happened?

 

This is what you sound like: "hey folks, my entire house burned down last night, but I still want to sleep in my bedroom? Any suggestions?"

 

Yeah, find a new house and start taking care of YOURSELF, and stop worrying about him, his marriage and how close they are.

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Whichwayisup ~ thank you for the tough love as hard as it is to read. Its just so hard. I love this man I made him my world.

 

That's the thing, you've made him "your everything" and that was your first big mistake. You need to put yourself first and look after "you". Having other people, friends, family etc in your life is SO important. To rely on ONE person to make you happy will never work.

 

Really consider therapy. It'll help you get your life back on track.

 

Im so upset, I really want to speak with him what should I do....

 

You don't need him. Rely on YOU not on him. He's out of your life now so calling is a mute point. I know you want to call, but do NOT pick up that phone and dial his number. If you get the urge, post here instead.

 

Do you guys think that I made them closer b/c of what I done rather then push them further apart??

 

Focus on you. What happens between them now isn't your concern.

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No I think telling his wife made him want you more. I think you should go ever there and bang on the door, start crying and demand answers.

 

There, is that what you want to hear? Because I don't think you want help at all. You think someone here is going to give you some advice that will enable you to get him back after all that's happened?

 

This is what you sound like: "hey folks, my entire house burned down last night, but I still want to sleep in my bedroom? Any suggestions?"

 

Yeah, find a new house and start taking care of YOURSELF, and stop worrying about him, his marriage and how close they are.

 

 

I understand what you all are saying!! Im just so heartbroken. He was my best friend now I feel likes he hates me and that makes it worse. I wish we could of ended it on a happy note so he thinks about me, and if things didnt work out he might come and find me. Now there is no chance and Im crushed.

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If he told me he was married none of this would of happened. I would of walked away.

 

He told you he was separated...He told you he had cheated on his wife, then lied - Told you it was HER that cheated, then lied and admitted it was him who cheated all along. Yet, you continued to take him back.

 

Your emotional state has alot to do with this. Your previous relationship that ended was abusive, and this MM got your attention, helped you out. Problem is, you didn't give yourself ANY time alone to heal, you jumped in and allowed yourself to fall for someone else, a married someone else. The red flags were flapping in the wind the whole time but because you let your heart and emotions rule your mind, and ofcourse the fact this guy pegged you and reeled you in big time didn't help either..

 

I know you can't see this now, but you will heal and you'll be OK.

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bentnotbroken

Even when he told you he lied on his wife and to you, you still wanted him? :eek: Which one of his character flaws did you fall in love with? The lying flaw, the cheating flaw, the user of 2 women flaw? The steaming pile of smelly s**t flaw? Please tell me what is so appealing about a man who will do this to women? And why do you think you deserve what he has to offer?

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whichwayisup ~ I guess you have a couple points but I just cant stop myself from thinking about him...what he might be doing...if he's happy...etc. Im so upset I cant even eat, sleep, drink, nothing....Fack!

 

bentnotbroken ~ I know he wasnt perfect but I fell in love with the way he treated me I can tell he loved me the wat he smailed at me, kissed me touched me,plus He was so loving, so caring, so understanding, so affectionate no words can describe it.

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Im just so heartbroken. He was my best friend now I feel likes he hates me and that makes it worse. I wish we could of ended it on a happy note so he thinks about me, and if things didnt work out he might come and find me. Now there is no chance and Im crushed.
I understand this but I'm afraid to be nice to you for fear that it will encourage you in your state of mind.

 

If you're determined to see or talk to him, there's nothing I or anyone else can do to help you. On the other hand, if you're willing to TRY and move on, then this forum section can help. I don't expect you to be able to flip a switch and be over this guy, not by a long-shot. But you need to pull yourself up and put your big girl pants on and realize that contacting him in any way is not the way to go.

 

I feel for you and the pain I KNOW you are in, but it GOES away. Nothing in this life is forever and that includes pain.

 

Look, I always told the MW I was seeing that I would be waiting for her if things didn't work out between us. But you know what? After all this time I don't want her anymore and I LOVED this woman. Still think about her at least once a day but the thoughts are not thoughts of regret, they are thoughts of relief that I'm out of it. You'll feel that too, no-matter how much you love him. You just have to try and get through the tough part.

 

It's gets BETTER!

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It's OK to grieve, cry and be upset. You lost someone you love..Problem is, and you have to hear this, he was never yours to begin with..

 

The man you loved doesn't exist. He IS a liar, a cheater and a selfish man. He threw you under the bus and he all along lied to you and betrayed his wife.

 

Please get therapy to help you cope, that's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Okay?

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It's OK to grieve, cry and be upset. You lost someone you love..Problem is, and you have to hear this, he was never yours to begin with..

 

The man you loved doesn't exist. He IS a liar, a cheater and a selfish man. He threw you under the bus and he all along lied to you and betrayed his wife.

 

Please get therapy to help you cope, that's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Okay?

Darn right!

 

I took the advice here and cried like a girl any damn time I felt like it. I just let it all out anytime the urge came. For three months I was pretty much a zombie, but i just kept taking it a day at a time and suddenly one day I didn't cry. I would cry more before it was over, but that was the first sign SOMETHING was happening and I was getting better. It goes away very gradually, so gradually that you barely notice at first, but it's those early steps in the right direction that lead you out of the darkness and pain.

 

All you have to do is stay on the road and keep plugging along and time will take care of things. Cry, and feel the pain. There is nothing wrong with that and it's for the best.

 

After feeling like crap for all those months, when I came out of it, it was like being re-born. I'm actually a happier person now than before my affair because I now appreciate all the things I have and don't waste my time focusing on the things I don't have. Not saying an affair is the path to enlightenment, just saying that most bad things that happen to us in life have a silver lining if you take the time to look.

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SLEEPLESS IN NJ

Thanks again guys....I just cant get past all this...he loved me for me...I dont want to give up on what he had. Yes it was disfuncional and now things are hard, and seem to be a big blurry mess but with everything I still hold on to that maybe he'll come back to me. I know that this was both of our faults!! I have mistreated him too in the past, but I know in my heart that I am only truely happy when I am with him. I cant even get mad at him for tossing me under the bus...damn it my life blows.

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He isn't going to come back and the sooner you accept that, the healing can begin.

 

You need to stop relying on him for your happiness. Remember, this guy swooped you up RIGHT after a recent break up, so now it's time for you to be alone and learn to be happy without relying on a guy, let alone him.

 

Will you think about the counselling?

 

Once you heal, the fog will lift and you'll clearly see how unhealthy he is for you. I bet you won't want to take him back, even if he showed up at your front door asking you out again.

 

Don't EVER be his OW ever again.

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He isn't going to come back and the sooner you accept that, the healing can begin.

 

You need to stop relying on him for your happiness. Remember, this guy swooped you up RIGHT after a recent break up, so now it's time for you to be alone and learn to be happy without relying on a guy, let alone him.

 

Will you think about the counselling?

 

Once you heal, the fog will lift and you'll clearly see how unhealthy he is for you. I bet you won't want to take him back, even if he showed up at your front door asking you out again.

 

Don't EVER be his OW ever again.

 

 

I see your point I really do....but I know in my heart he was the one I pictured my life with! I have never pictured my life with any man, but him there was something about him....I cant explain it

As for counselling yes I'll think about it as soon as I get a job (was laid off worked for AIG) and get health ins...

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Even knowing he is a liar and a cheater? You still pictured a life with this guy?

 

You didn't say, but do they have children?

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Even knowing he is a liar and a cheater? You still pictured a life with this guy?

 

You didn't say, but do they have children?

 

 

Yes even knowing that...I dont know what it is about this man but I love him so much....I cant even get to sleep I have to take Tylenol PM too sleep...oh and No they have no kids...been married for about 5 or 6 years...I just want to patch things up with him...even if he doesnt want to be with me I dont want him to hate me!

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sleepless....<sigh> :(..if he was your best friend before, he is not now. I know it may sound like it is unfair to toss out and forget about the "wonderful, beautiful ways" he treated you, BUT, you MUST -JUST FOR NOW- remember and focus on how in the end he left your side and how embarrassing that you had to explain to a stranger (cop) about something so private and so profound. When you have recovered from the hurt...you can re-visit the past and remember the wonderful times, but for now...your bottom line is this...HE IS GONE...!

 

This is a good lesson for women who have been lied to and find themselves being OWs. You have two choices as soon as you find out:

 

1) End the relationship-no "lets remain friends"-just end it..

2) if you decide to go on with it....you take what you can--he is a married man and it is your choice to be in the relationship. You do not have any right to make calls to the wife or show up at her house and inflict pain to her--the husband is already doing that-especially if you are using her, to force the husband to come to you--it is evil and it usually backfires!

 

Sleepless...take care of your health...you do not want to get sick and look horrible. I could be wrong but you sound like someone who would stop caring about your health. It does not matter if you will end up in the hospital, you are not going to have him. So you might as well take care of yourself! If you allow yourself to spiral down, he is going to feel defensive and will rationalize it as you being crazy-out of control, etc- and will make himself believe that he was lucky he got out of the relationship--you will also (if not already) make him regret he ever met you.

 

So, sit up straight...take a deep breath...celebrate the time that you are successful in defeating the urge to text, email or call him...count the minutes, the hours, the days....It might be a long journey to healing, but it IS a journey and everyday that you leave your past behind, you are closer to that future where he is but a memory....

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He was never your best friend. He manipulated you into a relationship, he lied to you, he used you.

 

The only person he cares about is himself.

 

You asked what I would do...I'd get myself into therapy FAST and try to figure out why I was so hung up on such a lying, cheating loser, and why I didn't think I could do any better than a pig like him.

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