Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I found this on divorcepeers.com, after reading a reference to it in another infidelity forum. I know we've beat the "mythical 3%" statistic up...but I'm curioius...this appears to be taken from completely different sources. Thoughts? Have you ever cheated on someone? ▪ Yes 41% ▪ No 59% Have you ever been cheated on? ▪ Yes 68% ▪ No 32% Would you be unfaithful if you knew your partner would never find out? ▪ Yes 8% ▪ No 92% Husbands who admit to cheating on a spouse ▪ Reported in Men's Health Best Life, 2003 1 in 20 (5%) Wives who admit to cheating on a spouse ▪ Reported in Men's Health Best Life, 2003 1 in 22 (4.55%) ▪ Reported in Oprah Magazine, 2004 15% Number of guys who take off their wedding rings when they go out without their wives ▪ 1 in 3 Percentage of cheating men who get caught ▪ 80% Percentage of couple who preserve their marriage after an affair ▪ 64% Of those couples who remain married despite an affair, what percentage later describe the marriage as unhappy or empty? ▪ 78% Link to post Share on other sites
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I've never been married but I thik most people cheat at some time? 68% of people have been cheated on but only 41% of people admit to cheating? This is why I am not the biggest fan of surveys , statisitcs and polls! Link to post Share on other sites
Aquarius Rising Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Thoughts? A little sobering perhaps .......... Though the 78% of marriages that remain in tact that are unhappy ...... is a little alarming? AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I've never been married but I thik most people cheat at some time? 68% of people have been cheated on but only 41% of people admit to cheating? This is why I am not the biggest fan of surveys , statisitcs and polls! I can understand that...in another thread, I'd mentioned that in my work I'm often forced to work with statistics that we know aren't accurate...but they're also the only data that we have to work with. In the absence of perfect data, you have to go with the best you've got. Just a thought on the discrepancy you mentioned...how would a serial cheater impact those numbers? Especially if he divorced and remarried repeatedly as well (which seems likely if he keeps getting caught)? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 "There are lies, damned lies and statistics". Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Wow, those are some mighty sobering statistics. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I think its the 78% (or shall we say alleged 78%) is what many of us OW who post dont understand... Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Not to TJ the TJ but - does anyone know why the inside of my "circle" is red while everyone else's is blue or green? Did I do something wrong? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 A little sobering perhaps .......... Though the 78% of marriages that remain in tact that are unhappy ...... is a little alarming? AR That number is scary. Affairs damage even when the marriage "survives." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I think its the 78% (or shall we say alleged 78%) is what many of us OW who post dont understand... If it helps any, I don't get it either. I am apparently one of the remaining 22%. My marriage is a fun and happy place for both of us. And we'll hit that five year mark this spring. If it HADN'T have returned to being the happy marriage that it had been before, or even better (which it is)...I wouldn't be married now. So I can't speak for WHY that number is what it is...I don't get it either. Link to post Share on other sites
LostLamb Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I can understand that...in another thread, I'd mentioned that in my work I'm often forced to work with statistics that we know aren't accurate...but they're also the only data that we have to work with. In the absence of perfect data, you have to go with the best you've got. Just a thought on the discrepancy you mentioned...how would a serial cheater impact those numbers? Especially if he divorced and remarried repeatedly as well (which seems likely if he keeps getting caught)? Why would a serial cheater be married?! I've never dated a married person but it looks like most married people end up cheating Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Well, the statistics may also be skewed somewhat by the way the questions are asked: Have you ever cheated on someone/have you ever been cheated on: There is no implication here as to whether married, SO, or anything else. Many people would/could answer either of these in the affirmative, whereas their partner may or may not have considered the same actions to be cheating. I've read posts by some people who have gone out with a person only a time or two but feel they are being cheated on if the other person dates someone else. My lexicon would not describe that action as cheating. There is also the infamous EA. Many people who are in EA's do not consider them to be cheating - whereas the spouse for the most part would. I do find that final 78% statistic very sad, and hope it is not true. I am very glad to also report that my husband and I are in the other (good) 22% five years later. But like GH said, there are lies, damn lies and statistics. Each person usually tends to believe the stats that most agree with their own opinions! Link to post Share on other sites
datura_noir Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I can only surmise that the 78% is probably a longing for the lost innocence(?) But, I, nor my husband can completely rely on the other for happiness. So, maybe the BS's unhappiness is based on how their SO makes them feel compared to before the affair?There are so many dynamics.Again, I'm only guessing-or applying my own views... It takes TONS of work, (Physical:D and emotional), and a REALLY good sense of humor with each other, to wallow through an affair that your partner has brought into the mix. That, and some really good drugs (the legal kind!) BTW, I am a Former BS, and we not only got through his infidelity, but actually married after 8 years of shacking up! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 How was cheating defined. Was it described as physical. What kind of physical. Intercourse, oral only, kissing, caressing? Was cheating defined as emotional? Did it include both? Was cheating described as porn with no physical contact with anyone? What about phone sex? Blow up dolls and vibraters? What is the definition of sex? Bill wants to know? There is a saying we have, get the numbers and screw them to say what you want. My believe is women cheat just as much as men, they just disguise it differently. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I wonder what that 78% is really about. I would definitely count my M as part of the 22% - sometimes it ventures over into the 78% but that has NOTHING to do with infidelity. Maybe that's the case with the 78% - the marriage wasn't beneficial to begin with? It happens. I like what GH said though. Damn lies!!! LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 NID I think that is it exactly. Whatever the number is, in many of those marriages there were likely problems that existed prior to the affair and were never resolved after the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 My thoughts are two: 1) The '3%' figure comes from one study, can't be looking it up now, but it involved a group of under 200 men (as far as I recall figures), I think in one workplace, but anyway they were all professional men. They were asked about their marriages, and 3% of those men said they were married to a former OW, and had been married over 5 years, and were happy. The findings were reported in a book called something like: 'The truth about high-powered men' or something (I've posted on it before, with full title but as I say not going to trawl for the link again today, will do if anyone wants me to!). In other words, to twist that round and say that 3% of affairs end with the APs getting married and staying together for 5 years is a total misuse of the figures. And that's even if the men in the initial study were being open and honest. The figures are being quoted the wrong way round. I.e., 3% of those men had ended up with their OW and had been married 5 years or more. But we don't know how many other of those men in the survey had had affairs. Say only 12% of the men questioned had even had affairs to begin with (unlikely, but it makes the maths easier ). That would mean that a quarter of those affairs ended up with the APs getting married and staying married over 5 years. I think that's correct, anyway, maths isn't my strong point. But you get the gist: if 12% of men had affairs, and 3% ended up married to OW for over 5 years, then that's 25% of the affairs ending 'successfully' in that respect. We can also add in the fact that some of the men might have had affairs, and might have been recently divorced but were going to end up with their AP; and that other couples may have chosen not to marry, and yet others had only been married 4 years (and not the stipulated 5 in the question). But whatever the initial numbers having affairs, the 3% figure is used incorrectly. My maths may be rubbish but I think my logic is fine. and, 2) I think the percentages on how many marriages surive affairs (as given in OP) are wrong. I'm basing that on a lot of totting up of what happens to posters on Surviving Infidelity, a forum for BSs trying to rebuild after infidelity. The sample there is pretty huge as its a well-used site. My reading and totting up suggests to me that 70% of posters there end up divorced, sometimes up to 4 years or more after d-day. And that's on a site specifically geared to those who didn't divorce immediately, but tried to work on the marriage post-affair. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Not to TJ the TJ but - does anyone know why the inside of my "circle" is red while everyone else's is blue or green? Did I do something wrong? Thank you. Yes - you bucked the trend and ended up happily married to your fOW!! Seriously though, it's something to do with your online status - members who are green are online; those who are red are offline; those who are grey are choosing not to reveal if they're online or offline. Maybe you're seeing you as red while we're seeing you as grey? But back on topic - Owl, could you provide your source? I'd be interested to see what questions were asked, as these stats do seem a little, uhm, internally contradictory. (But the difference between Oprah as a sample and the other - I forget which it was - is astounding! I guess it says a lot about who goes for Oprah!) Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks for the explanation of the circles, Owoman. Let's not get too carried away with the "happily married" thing today. My wife's small parrot just pooped on my desk for the sixth time today . I don't think I will be happily married when she comes home and finds out that I have done away with the little feathered beast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Owl Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Hey Owoman. The stats came from divorcepeer.com, or something similar. Do a google search, and you'll find them. I was interested in the differences between the stats from various sources too...and it could well be an issue with the 'audience' that the polls were aimed. It could also be how the questions were phrased as well. I was hoping to find more information in how the stats were gathered/correlated, but couldn't find much. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 There is an old "joke" I am fond of saying to my clients - now its really an "accounting" saying but appropriate enough here: Client: What do the numbers say? Me: What would you LIKE them to say? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Seriously though, it's something to do with your online status - members who are green are online; those who are red are offline; those who are grey are choosing not to reveal if they're online or offline. Maybe you're seeing you as red while we're seeing you as grey? This is reversed. As you then asked, it is correct. If I choose to remain hidden while online, from my POV I see a red circle. Those who are not signed on as me see me as a gray circle. And back to topic... The statistics that say that 68% were cheated upon while only 41% cheated is probably accurate. If you asked if I have cheated then this means that have I cheated on anyone. If you ask if I have been cheated upon, then this means have I been cheated upon by someone at some time in my life. The questions do not limit the answer to my current relationship. So, even though they ask this set of questions to a group of say a thousand people, the numbers do not reflect simply what is happening in that group only. It could be that the cheating was done while those people were not in their current relationships. Pretend situation: My wife and I get the survey. Neither of us have cheated on the other. Yet when you get the answers back, it shows that we both have been cheated upon yet neither of us has cheated. That is because we both came from past relationships where we were cheated upon. Perhaps this simple explanation would solve the discrepancy? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I don't think I will be happily married when she comes home and finds out that I have done away with the little feathered beast. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I didn't REALLY do it. But, one of these days the little stinker is really going to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Granted, it's a ten year old article. Is it okay to cut/paste an article into the LS forum? My apologies, Moderators, if it isn't.... December 21, 1998 By Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY Monday, December 21, 1998 In spite of confessed sexual peccadilloes in Congress and the White House, not everybody is doing it. The latest, still-unpublished research shows that about 24% of men and 14% of women have had sex outside their marriages. A national study of 5,000 men and women who have been married is under way at the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at the University of California, San Francisco. The findings closely match those of a prestigious 1994 study from the University of Chicago. The issue surfaced again when House Speaker-designate Robert Livingston, R-La., announced Thursday that he's had extramarital affairs, then resigned Saturday. He joins an ever-lengthening list of members of Congress confessing infidelities. But the popular belief that about half the married population cheats is a myth, says a co-author of the new study, Joseph Catania, a behavioral epidemiologist. Catania finds that about 28% of men President Clinton's age (52) have had affairs, as have about 17% of women. One finding "popped out," Catania says. "There is very little sex with co-workers." His research shows that most affairs are with friends (57%) of at least six months, not colleagues (9%). Only about 0.5% overall have had multiple affairs. And only about 3.3% have had extramarital sex in the past year. His sample is 55% women, 45% men; the study was done in 1996 and '97. Catania's findings follow a 1994 report that found 80% of women and 65% to 85% of men have never had an extramarital affair. "Every study that I know of over the last few years has resulted in the same type of findings," says one of that study's co-authors, John Gagnon of the State University of New York at Stony Brook. Atlanta psychiatrist and marital therapist Frank Pittman agrees. "Not everybody is doing it. Most men are faithful most of the time," says the author of Grow Up! (Golden Books, $23.95). Findings on infidelity are hotly debated. Earlier studies said up to 68% of men and 66% of women confessed extramarital bed-hopping. Gagnon says prior research wasn't based on random samples of the population, concentrating instead on people who chose to come forward to discuss their sex lives. Scientifically based random samples "tend to include more conservatives," he says. Still, statistics are "really shaky," says Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage. "And what do they mean?" The polls, she says, lump together "one-night stands and intense, long-term affairs." People routinely lie to investigators about infidelity, cautions Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth (Newmarket Press, $14.95). "You cannot trust anybody on a subject like this." She believes about 60% of men and 40% of women will have an extramarital affair at some time; since these people are not always married to each other, about 80% of marriages are touched. Politicians, actors and sports figures are particularly vulnerable, Gagnon says. They travel a lot and have access to adoring members of the opposite sex. "They have more opportunity and more temptation." Former secretary of State Henry Kissinger said it first, says St. Paul, Minn., marital therapist William Doherty: Power is a great aphrodisiac. "A lot of women are attracted to powerful men," Doherty says. And it is true, he says, that today "more women are initiating sexual activities." Link to post Share on other sites
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