MM dumped me!

[rosa]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Sorry a bit long! Now judging please!!! I know it’s bad! Shame on me! But I didn’t plan it; I just couldn’t help myself falling in love with him! [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I’ve been NC with MM for 3 weeks now. He is holidaying with his family (wife + 4 kids) now. He was my Ex-boss (10 years older). We started our secret relationship last Jan when I was still working at his practice. I had a secret crush on him but he was the one initiate the affair. He was upfront with me that he was happily married but he liked me and love to spent sometime with me to get to know each other better…I understood what he meant and I thought I wouldn’t hurt anyone as long as his wife and family wouldn’t find out. I had no intention or desire to break up his family not that I’d fool myself into thinking that I could in the first place. I just liked him and admired him so much and I wanted to have something special with him. I thought for once in my life I would do something different and crazy and make myself happy. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]But the whole experience was what I expected. I feel he was never there. We did sneak at the back of the practice a lot (kissing, touching…) we made love 5 times after work @ work… But I was never that comfortable asked him for even a random get together. Maybe I was afraid of rejecting as he told me he couldn’t offer me more and not to fall into love with him. I know He was a very busy man mainly with his work. But sometimes he would be very cold towards me and a few days later he would start to be all over me again. He always had some excuses and I did try to understand him. But one time I was working with him alone and we were kissing whenever we got an chance by the end of the day I really liked to spend a bit more time with him but he was so rude to me that he told me to go home. He was rude and looks scary. I was so upset the next day he was trying to make up with me that he wanted to have lunch with me but I handed my resignation letter already. He tried to convince me to stay but I seriously wanted to get out the relationship and forget him. He told me the reason why he was hot and cold… and he was almost lost himself with other stuff happening in his life. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Anyway I didn’t take my resignation letter back I think it would make me look so stupid but I didn’t really want to leave him and I told him he said I was so bad and he wanted to keep contact with me. I found a better job at a better location 10minutes from home he helped a bit as he was my referee. So we still meet up for sex after work sometimes. But the last 2 times he changed our “dates” the last minutes like a few hours before. I was really angry at him as we don’t see each other that often. Only once a month. I missed him so much at I knew after Christmas he would start his holiday with his family so I was desperate wanting to see him. I told him we didn’t have to do anything maybe just a few minutes but he said he couldn’t and he wanted us to see each other the week after. We ended up had a fight and he broke up with me over text and I was so mad I went to his work to see him even he said not to…[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The last thing he told me was he and his wife just had 10 years wedding anniversary and he was afraid he was going to loose his family, his kids. I said” you won’t loose anything. Then he said” he and his wife stopped having sex. They don’t do it any more.” He then said” he’d love to be with me but he can’t.”[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I know what I should do is cut him out of my life completely and move on but I don’t want to. Do you guys think that he will contact me again? How can I get MM back with me like before? [/sIZE][/FONT]

[Sagelily]

Hi Rosa, welcome to LS

 

Just a quick question, are you in love with the MM? I'm a bit confused and was just wondering what your reasons for staying with him are if he's treated you badly and has told you that he can no longer see you.

 

-SL

[Taulu]

Do you guys think that he will contact me again? How can I get MM back with me like before?

 

Why would you like to get him back with you "like before"?

 

Hidden meetings, hasty sex, he's being rude to you, and you knowing that always his wife and kids come first.

[Geishawhelk]

Sorry a bit long! Now judging please!!! I know it’s bad! Shame on me! But I didn’t plan it; I just couldn’t help myself falling in love with him!

I'm afraid you'll have to put up with your share of that, because what you are doing leaves you wide open to criticism.

Play with fire, you may get burned. So if anyone comes battering at you, I'm sorry, but (providing they don't insult you) you'll have to suck it up for the most part.

 

The bit in bold doesn't excuse your actions. You did what you did because you felt like it. That's it and all of it. Nobody forced you, coerced you, or made you do anything. So this was a decision on your part to act this way.

Own it.

 

 

I’ve been NC with MM for 3 weeks now. He is holidaying with his family (wife + 4 kids) now. He was my Ex-boss (10 years older). We started our secret relationship last Jan when I was still working at his practice. I had a secret crush on him but he was the one initiate the affair.

 

Joint decision sweetie. The word "NO" does exist in english. You could have said it....

 

He was upfront with me that he was happily married

 

Liar.

No happily married man will screw another woman.

but he liked me and love to spent sometime with me to get to know each other better…I understood what he meant and I thought I wouldn’t hurt anyone as long as his wife and family wouldn’t find out.

Selfish, thoughtless and very foolish. Did you not take it a step further and think - "Yes, but hang on - what if they DO find out?"

 

Silly question.

OK, carry on.

 

I had no intention or desire to break up his family not that I’d fool myself into thinking that I could in the first place.

 

I cannot tell you what a comfort that would be to his wife if you said that to her. She'd welcome you open-armed and tell you what a marvellously generous sentiment that is....

 

I just liked him and admired him so much and I wanted to have something special with him. I thought for once in my life I would do something different and crazy and make myself happy.

See how the selfishness develops and continues? Your primary desire here was not for him, or his family - it was for you. Regardless.

 

 

But the whole experience was {INSERT: not} what I expected. I feel he was never there. We did sneak at the back of the practice a lot (kissing, touching…) we made love 5 times after work @ work… But I was never that comfortable asked him for even a random get together. Maybe I was afraid of rejecting as he told me he couldn’t offer me more and not to fall into love with him. I know He was a very busy man mainly with his work. But sometimes he would be very cold towards me and a few days later he would start to be all over me again. He always had some excuses and I did try to understand him. But one time I was working with him alone and we were kissing whenever we got an chance by the end of the day I really liked to spend a bit more time with him but he was so rude to me that he told me to go home. He was rude and looks scary. I was so upset the next day he was trying to make up with me that he wanted to have lunch with me but I handed my resignation letter already. He tried to convince me to stay but I seriously wanted to get out the relationship and forget him. He told me the reason why he was hot and cold… and he was almost lost himself with other stuff happening in his life.

 

I told you he was a liar.

He had no feelings for you. He just wanted a convenient, trouble-free, uncomplicated F***.

 

You started on like a possessive girlfriend almost immediately, so there's the reason right there.

 

 

So we still meet up for sex after work sometimes. But the last 2 times he changed our “dates” the last minutes like a few hours before. I was really angry at him as we don’t see each other that often.

 

I don't know if you actually get this but - you shouldn't have been seeing each other at all!

 

I missed him so much at I knew after Christmas he would start his holiday with his family so I was desperate wanting to see him. I told him we didn’t have to do anything maybe just a few minutes but he said he couldn’t and he wanted us to see each other the week after. We ended up had a fight and he broke up with me over text

 

Clingy, desperate and very definitely a pain in his side!

He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, he just sees you as an occasional diversion! There is no emotion there from his side! he just wants sexual pleasure when he can get it!

 

The last thing he told me was he and his wife just had 10 years wedding anniversary and he was afraid he was going to loose his family, his kids. I said” you won’t loose anything. Then he said” he and his wife stopped having sex. They don’t do it any more.” He then said” he’d love to be with me but he can’t.”

 

Liar - again.

One very good way of appeasing you and getting you off his back.

You believe him about the sex with his wife?

Don't. Very often, an affair can make people more amorous and romantic towards their spouses. It's a guilt thing. He's probably paying her more attention now than he has done in all their marriage. Possibly

 

At least there may be some good in this.

 

 

I know what I should do is cut him out of my life completely and move on but I don’t want to. Do you guys think that he will contact me again? How can I get MM back with me like before?

 

You can't.

You shouldn't.

You mustn't.

 

Because it never was 'like it was before'. Only in your mind.

He doesn't want you, because you're needy and possessive. I would think he considers you the biggest mistake he ever made and he's behaving like a good husband should.

I suggest - strongly - you put this out of your head, and get a life.

 

And do people a favour:

Stick to single men.

 

Lot less complicted, destructive, selfish and dramatic.

[noforgiveness]

so basically he loves his wife and is using you for sex and you're ok with that? You're his free prostitute and you want him back?

[SierraRose]

The bottom line is he's unavailable and you did the right thing by leaving your job. Personally, I'd put the final nail in the coffin and go NC. Whatever problems he has with his W are his not yours. If I was married to a man who was rude, nasty and cold, I wouldn't have sex with him either!

[rosa]

I know he was/is a assh****. But I still have so many fond memories about him. He was good most of the times. I think if I could control my emotions (not get attached again) Things will be great! Isn't that what he wanted?

 

If he doesn't want me at all Why the hell he tells me they don't have sex any more?

[Geishawhelk]

I know he was/is a assh****. But I still have so many fond memories about him. He was good most of the times. I think if I could control my emotions (not get attached again) Things will be great! Isn't that what he wanted?

 

No. of course not. if it's what he wanted he'd still be available. He doesn't want you because you are untrustworthy, volatile, unpredictable and dangerous.

 

If he doesn't want me at all Why the hell he tells me they don't have sex any more?

 

To give you a reason and justification for F***ing you instead of just saying "well, I just felt like f***ing you!"

[NoIDidn't]

Poor, rosa. You walked into the Lion's Den.

 

I think you should take off the rose-colored glasses and get rid of that fantasy version of him in your head. You admired him and his status and power. Nothing wrong with that. But you said it yourself, he was cold and rude and treated you poorly most of the time. YOu had no power in this fantasy of his.

 

I'm sure that he has done this before. Is he a doctor or a lawyer - nothing against the professions, really? You said "his practice", so I ask. These professions are full of workaholics that have little time for the home life that they've created (W and four kids!!!) but they still want that release of a warm place to land.

 

You will forget him in time. The fantasy man. You will see him for what he is. As for your part in this, you'll deal with that in time too. For yourself the question I have is this: why do you feel that you never do anything for yourself just for fun? Why was the affair "something different"? Why did you turn to an activity that would be more personally and emotionally destructive than to something that was more affirming for you? I believe that if you can think about these questions, you may not find yourself in this position again.

 

Welcome to LS.

[rosa]

I miss his smile I miss his voice I miss being so close with him. I miss h stopping me in the hallway to talk. I'm happy with my life. I'm just fine! I just enroled a uni course. I will continue to study. I have my own friends and I do go out and have fun with them. but I just can't get him out of my mind.I want him back in my life,I like it when he is around in my life. I don't want to make it just fine when he is gone. How do I tell him I want him back in my life? I don't want to sound sappy but I want him to know how I feel.

NoI didn't,you are right,he is doctor.

[Geishawhelk]

ROSA:

 

You're not getting it.

 

You will never have him back in your life, because he was never in it, in the first place!!

He was using you, he just wanted a body to screw, and you were handy.

He has no feelings for you whatsoever, you were a convenience, and it is over.

Done with.

Finished.

Gone.

History.

No more.

Dead in the water.

dead and buried.

 

Are you getting this, yet?

[frannie]

I know he was/is a assh****. But I still have so many fond memories about him. He was good most of the times. I think if I could control my emotions (not get attached again) Things will be great! Isn't that what he wanted?

 

I miss his smile I miss his voice I miss being so close with him. I miss h stopping me in the hallway to talk.

 

But when he's being all those things you miss, it's not the real him, is it? The real him is the nasty, snappy one who, when he doesn't want you, turns cold and has that horrible face. He only turns on the charm when he wants to.

 

Now, you want to pretend you have no feelings for him and give him what he wants on his terms. I'd say that was a huge problem for you. You're walking into a controlling situation, with a man who has shown you what he is. And you know that, really.

[Taulu]

How do I tell him I want him back in my life? I don't want to sound sappy but I want him to know how I feel.

 

Does he really was in your life?

If you tell him you want him in your life, you will sound pathetic and despair. He will get panic... you might have him "back" for a while if he doesn't make up anything better to keep you calm and away from his life (family).

 

He will never fall in love with you if that's what you are awaiting for? He already has a wife, family, career, own social life etc. Why would he destroy all that for some young girl with whom he has nothing in common?

[rosa]

Hi, people, Thanks for reply! I do understand what you guys are talking about and I know it is all good for me!

But I just can't help myself ...I’m sitting here thinking about him.All I keep asking myself is, “Why didn’t he like me enough? What is wrong with me?” I want to know if he’s thinking of me. I want to know if he misses me. I want to know if he regrets losing me. He wasn't perfect with me but as sick as he was and is, I miss him. I feel incomplete. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel hurt and rejection and insurmountable pain.

[rosa]

You are all right, He was never in my life! I'm not a needy person by any means. I don't know why I'm like this. Crazy and Pathetic. I can't explain. I've never experienced this before. I began to dislike myself by doing that(insist on seeing him when he told me his mum was waiting. Wanting him back when it's over) This whole situation is new to me so I don't really have too much to say. I just miss him. I've been trying not to cry all day.

Btw It's nice meeting all of you.

[Taulu]

I don't know why I'm like this. Crazy and Pathetic. I can't explain. I've never experienced this before. I began to dislike myself by doing that(insist on seeing him when he told me his mum was waiting. Wanting him back when it's over).

 

 

You don't have to dislike yourself. Take this like a lesson. I mean there is nothing wrong to feel like you do. You have now a "good" opportunity to get to know yourself better.

 

Go trought all the feelings you have for the situation. There will be a day soon when you don't miss him and even wonder why you did

You are worth much more than what he's got to offer.

 

I wish you the best.

(I have been OW myself and I dare say how hard it can be.)

[frannie]

Hi, people, Thanks for reply! I do understand what you guys are talking about and I know it is all good for me!

But I just can't help myself ...I’m sitting here thinking about him.All I keep asking myself is, “Why didn’t he like me enough? What is wrong with me?” I want to know if he’s thinking of me. I want to know if he misses me. I want to know if he regrets losing me. He wasn't perfect with me but as sick as he was and is, I miss him. I feel incomplete. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel hurt and rejection and insurmountable pain.

 

You are all right, He was never in my life! I'm not a needy person by any means. I don't know why I'm like this. Crazy and Pathetic. I can't explain. I've never experienced this before. I began to dislike myself by doing that(insist on seeing him when he told me his mum was waiting. Wanting him back when it's over) This whole situation is new to me so I don't really have too much to say. I just miss him. I've been trying not to cry all day.

Btw It's nice meeting all of you.

 

Hello rosa, nice meeting you too.

 

I think what you're saying here reflects how you feel about yourself. Just the fact that you're feeling so much rejection and asking: 'what's wrong with me?' (nothing!), and feeling that you need him to want you in order to feel worth anything in this world. He probably made you feel great, attractive, boosted your sense of self, and that's great while he's doing it... but what happens when he doesn't is you get to plummet to the depths.

 

That's because you're taking your sense of self-worth from someone else. And that's a bad position to be in. It allows them to control and dictate to you... he's nice to you, you have a great day, but if he's nasty, you have an apalling day and you bend over backwards to give him anything he wants... JUST so you can feel good about yourself again.

 

That's what I'm getting from what you're writing, anyway.

 

It's not about how wonderful he is. He's just a manipulator, and you're unfortunately somewhat down on yourself, for whatever reason. I think you need to get to the bottom of why you need this external validation, or why it makes you feel so good (and so bad when you don't have it), which leaves you vulnerable, and puts a pressure on relationships. IC might help..?

[willing]

Rosa when you ask what's wrong with you, I am assuming you are wondering why this man doesn't want a relationship with you, more than the little bit of a relationship you two share now?

 

That's because YOU are available for a relationship, but he is not!

 

And, unlike a previous poster who said that no happily married man would have an affair, I disagree with this - some men just want their cake and get to eat it too - a wife and a lover suits them. Having sex with a different woman is interesting to them.

 

You miss the man being nice to you, but he just showed you that side of him to get what he wanted from you, apart from that he shows no sign of wanting to get to know you and like you.

 

By the way, it seems a little weird that a month after he claimed he was a 'happily married man' he then stated that he and his wife do not have sex anymore?! hmmm What happened to his happy marriage in the space of one month?

 

He sounds like a selfish prick. He is a successful man in society, has his reputation as a doctor, has his own business, has four children and a wife, and yet he takes advantage of you - a single woman who looks at him in awe.

 

You are not going to get anything good out of this man, only pain and heartache. It is time to move on. And make sure the next man you get involved with is emotionally available to have a relationship with you. That's what you want, not so?

[signedin2008]

You're the OTHER WOMAN. How do you feel sleeping with someone else's husband? How do you face your conscience?

 

Do the right thing now, break it off with him and tell his wife the whole truth. She deserves to know and she won't get the truth from him.

[HappyAtLast]

Thank you, signin2008, for letting the OP know that she is THE OTHER WOMAN. I am sure that she was not aware of this.

[kimflute26]

Uh... The reason he doesn't have sex with his wife anymore is because he was always having sex with YOU whenever he wanted to get some. So naturally, his wife started wondering why he never wanted to have sex with her... and that's why he's worried he'll loose her and his kids. Because if their marriage fails due to a lack of intimacy (among other problems that a cheating husband causes) he will loose his kids and his life as it is now. So he wants to cut you out of his life so that he'll go back to the wife and keep his family.

 

Anyway, why are you so selfish? Why is this all about YOU??? Don't you even care about how his poor wife would feel? And about how horrible his kids would feel??? No... you don't. All you care about is yourself.

[OWoman]

Thank you, signin2008, for letting the OP know that she is THE OTHER WOMAN. I am sure that she was not aware of this.

 

nor were the rest of us! I'm shocked!

[OWoman]

Because if their marriage fails due to a lack of intimacy (among other problems that a cheating husband causes) he will loose his kids and his life as it is now.

 

Why would he "loose" (I'm assuming you meant lose) his kids? My fMM dumped his W and kept his kids, and his life is so much better now. We have the nice home, we have the kids, we have the friends and family - and a whole lot more friends added - and neighbours and locals are friendly now that she's gone. Everything is intact - just without the horrid xW.

 

It's not all doom and gloom if they leave. Often, it's much much better!

[frannie]

Why would he "loose" (I'm assuming you meant lose) his kids? My fMM dumped his W and kept his kids, and his life is so much better now. We have the nice home, we have the kids, we have the friends and family - and a whole lot more friends added - and neighbours and locals are friendly now that she's gone. Everything is intact - just without the horrid xW.

 

Didn't you say, however, OWoman, that your fMM's W is quite happy to have him see/take care of the children a lot of the time, virtually whenever he wants them? Not all xWs are the same way at all, and the most contact a divorced father might end up with, at least in the short-term, is every other weekend and the odd week night. That represents a considerable drop in contact to what they're used to. So, not everyone's situation is going to be as positive as yours is.

[OWoman]

Didn't you say, however, OWoman, that your fMM's W is quite happy to have him see/take care of the children a lot of the time, virtually whenever he wants them? Not all xWs are the same way at all, and the most contact a divorced father might end up with, at least in the short-term, is every other weekend and the odd week night. That represents a considerable drop in contact to what they're used to. So, not everyone's situation is going to be as positive as yours is.

 

 

No, she's not. She made a big song and dance about how much time they were spending with us vs how much time with her. But when we suggested to them they spend more time around there, she actually wasn't interested and they didn't want to go. So it's driven by them - they're always welcome around our place, and they know it, but she can see them whenever she wants (which isn't often - only when she wants something from them) or if they ever want to go.

 

But most divorced parents I know share custody half-half, equal split. I know very few cases where custody was awarded to one parent as the primary custodian with the other parent getting only odd weekends - and in each of those cases it was the father that got custody and the mother who got visitation.

 

Unless he's a piss poor father, or the child is a breastfed infant, no guy is going to walk away with less than equal custody - judges these days are sensible about a child's best interests coming first, and they've moved away from the sexist notion that only a woman can parent.