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Is anyone out there??? *raises a flag*


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Hey Folks! :)

 

Just wondering what the ratio of OW/OM vs. BS is here.

 

In the few days I've been checking in on these forums, it seems like there are far more BS here than OW/OM or MOW/MOM...even here in The Other Man/Other Woman forum. And I actually can't think of a single OM poster I've seen thus far :confused: So...check in! It's not very easy to tell who's who in many of these threads...Thanks for your time.

 

-Sagelily OW/x?OW

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What do you want to know? I was an OM 24 years ago. EA went on for about 8 years, off and on. I wished her well on her first day of nursing school yesterday. We're good friends now. No rancor :)

 

I would surmise you see few OM/OW stay on because they get beat up pretty badly, at least from my readings over the last year. MC helped me deal with that kind of perspective, as well as my wife, so they don't bother me much.

 

Hope you get the support you're looking for :)

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Hellllloooo. I am an OW. The advice on here is like an all-you-can-eat buffet. You take what you want. You leave the rest.

 

I've also been a BS (first husband was a serial cheater). And I've also been a MW (with my current MM back when I was married). But for now and in my current situation am the OW ("tonight's part of the OW will be played by Lavendar Girl").

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I was the OW this past summer. I am in NC, and besides from the occasional raging email from the BS, things have been quiet. This has given me plenty of time to put everything into perspective. I refuse to ever be second best again. I did it once and that was enough for me! This forum was extremely helpful when MM and I went NC. Although my love life is virtualy nonextstat (lol) I still come back regularly!

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As was suggested on another thread it is the presence of so many BSs on here that causes some OW/OM to minimize their posting.

 

 

I totally agree with this statement...I'm a MM going through a divorce almost completed and would say I'm the OM now.

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While married, I have never been either.

 

Before marriage, I "dated" a girl for six months who lived with her bf. So, technically, I was an OM. Like carhill, it was a long time ago...twenty years ago.

 

You have a good point though. This forum was set up for OWs and OMs yet few actually are here, because the "wolves" tear them apart.

 

(That is a general statement not meaning to describe every BS. Some BS come here with excellent advice and give another side to an affair which can be helpful in opening the eyes of those in an affair.)

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I'm a BS, and I agree with James's observation.

 

I don't know that it's that BS's post here...but that there are posters who come here simply to flame and wreak havoc. Many of those are prior BS's that haven't recovered personally from the trauma they went through.

 

There are a number of BS's that post here without the intent to attack, but rather to help. I'd like to think that I'm one of them.

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.

 

There are a number of BS's that post here without the intent to attack, but rather to help. I'd like to think that I'm one of them.

 

IMO you are one of those whom I was thinking.

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Acutally Owl and James, you both come in to the boards with generally very good advice, even if you have not been OM/MM's in the past. Kudos to you (and nods in your direction for your postings).

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More or less xOW here, I still chat to him but the 'affair' is no longer in full flow.

 

I've been around here for a few years now (about a year longer than my join date), and there have always been BSs posting here. Some of them are actually helpful and with a lot of insight :laugh:. Personally, I think the board at the moment is quiet compared to how it normally is, and having fewer arguments/problems/heckling.

 

I think it's more the casual poster full of moral outrage that aim the worst barbs at newbies. See that all the time. A lot of the old-hand BSs are far less judgmental than the drive-by commenters.

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xOW here and I stress "I will never do that again". Had an 18 month long ea with a MM while I was a MW. Now a just about offical xMW.

 

Mea:)

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I don't think you will ever see an accurate ratio of OM to OW on this board because OM aren't usually as likely to desire a break-up of the marriage, so that they can insert themselves into that role.

 

When I was an OM, I had no concerns about the direction that relationship was heading, so why would I post?

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Pleasantly surprised to have gotten so much feedback so far! Also glad I made this thread, it helps to know who's out there and what people's experiences are... :) TY to everyone who's taken the time to post!!! :bunny:

 

-SL

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Maybe its because I don't read or post here as much as I used to, but I am not seeing all the BSs that anyone is claiming to see. LS has far more to offer than just the Marriage and Infidelity portions, but sometimes those in the other parts of the forums, who are neither MP or OP, come and post.

 

I think that what you are seeing is people in general who have just come to post their personal opinions on the matter.

 

I guess being an MP/OP in an affair and posting about it is opening up too much even for anonymous judgment to be passed on our choices. You already hide the affair IRL, why hide online? Who really cares what strangers say when there is really very little chance of any of you meeting IRL anyway?

 

I think this calling out of *current* or *recent* OPs really just serves to create sides and not foster any real conversation. Everyone here has been an OP at one point in their lives. Especially me.

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As was suggested on another thread it is the presence of so many BSs on here that causes some OW/OM to minimize their posting.

Agreed. Some of the BS's here are so helpful, but there's quite a few moralizers that just preach and attack. I've been minimizing my posting about my own issues, especially anything positive, because few here can provide encouragement, while many seem to delight in pointing out all the possible worst-case scenarios.

 

Oh, and to answer your question: I'm an OW (dating a separated man.)

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I"m still here! I read a great deal and pay no attention to the "BS" from the bs! Still in my relationship with my MM and this June will be 30 years!

 

:)

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I have no way to categorize myself except to say that I am on the wrong side of the patriachial religions all the way around. However I don't currently have an active EA with my MM but, naturally, that connection is still there and I honestly don't care. I'm at peace.

 

I'm not all NC or anything I've just come to accept at an emotional level that this is not a requited love that can be realized. So maybe that makes me still an OW to some.

 

And in case anyone follows me over from some other thread and gets confused, I'm in an open marriage with a wonderful loving man. He spiritually speaking rolled his eyes at my EA but left me to work through it.

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SL, this is such an interesting thread you started. I am very new here, and I found this Board when I was at the height of despair. I came here to share my situation thinking that it would be a refuge and a place to get genuine feedback and good counsel. I did find that with so many very kind souls here, and I'm forever grateful for it.

 

But, I was also amazed about some of the vitriol. Several posters explained that there were a number of BS who post here, and as a result of the extreme pain they've suffered often direct their anger at those who "out" themselves as the OW. While I truly do understand the perspective of the BS, and the intense pain they must feel, I do think it sometimes undermines the ultimate purpose of this forum. That's not to say that anyone should be coddled, or told that what they are doing is just peachy. That's not my feeling at all. But, I do think there is a way to offer candid and frank advice, without hearing that you're evil, selfish and have no regard for others.

 

I was helped very much (and am still being helped as I live through the pain of ending my relationship several weeks ago because I lurk each day), but I doubt I'll post very much. There are times that I wish I could just run through the threads and remind everyone that judgement isn't helpful and ultimately serves no real purpose.

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i am the fBS. over the years here i have tried to stay neutral.

 

my position is fairly neutral for the OW/OM and their position. in fact, my sympathetic side is usually with them as they are the ones that end up believing the lies that the MM/MW puts in front of them to keep them exactly where they are. the manipulation and scheming is tough to read when the poster doesn't see it for what it is. it always seems that it's designed for the Married person to have all their needs met or just sheer greed. getting to the actual truth can be an eye opener for me. then the real question comes which is, "oh no, now what am i supposed to do about this?"

 

the one with the commitment is the Married person and thus, they are the one responsible for the position they have created for all concerned. it saddens me that this usually leads to great pain for all involved.

 

it is very educational to see the situations from all sides without the judgment involved. there are several OW here that i have grown very fond of - and hope that they will find true happiness as they go through it all.

 

for the most part, though it just makes me sad because in the end someone always ends up too frustrated and really left hurting. usually that ends up being several people, now that i think about it.

 

either way i look at it - the situations usually create a lot of "no win" predicaments.

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I guess being an MP/OP in an affair and posting about it is opening up too much even for anonymous judgment to be passed on our choices. You already hide the affair IRL' date=' why hide online? [b']Who really cares what strangers say[/b] when there is really very little chance of any of you meeting IRL anyway?

 

Intellectually, of course, that applies. But when you're in the midst of emotional pain, the last thing you need is a bunch of strangers villifying you and name-calling. Really. It's just not appropriate.

 

I'm not talking about people giving you the facts as they see them, straight-up, in order to get you to realise what's happening. It's the name-calling, the vitriol, the hoping you boil in oil. And yes, we've all seen it.

 

In the same way that a stranger's kind words can bring a huge amount of comfort when you feel lost and alone, the cruel words of a stranger DO hurt. However much you 'don't know them'... that is irrelevant.

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LucreziaBorgia

I've been OW (quite often), the cheater (most often), and the betrayed (rarely). Right now, I am technically married and living with H, but he called off the reconciliation but wants to stay married - and is seeing someone (his girlfriend, but technically an OW) - and I am taking a break from relationships in general.

 

F*cked up enough? :laugh: Yeah, you could say that.

 

I am my own ratio. :laugh:

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