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I'm not and somehow some way we have fallen for eachother. HARD! In love madly , hard. I know it's wrong, it's completely wrong and against all of my morals. I know some who are reading this have already judged me and the situation without hearing me out.

 

So, we met a few months ago and as soon as I seen her I was head over heels. We talked here and there but it was nothing more than that even though I was infatuated with her. Then I decided to ask about her through some friends and find out she was married. Bummer. So I let it go , well tried to obviously, but I found myself not being able to.

 

Every weekend we would end up seeing eachother when we went out with friends and we began talking more and more. Needless to say our feelings for eachother grew quick and it is now unbelievable. We think about eachother non stop and everything is perfect. Yeah except that she is married.

 

I'm sure you have already figured that we have slept together and your wrong. We have been very good when it comes to this. Its been tough but I really do not want it to happen if she is married. I wouldnt be able to live with myself. According to her , her husband has basically abandonded her as a wife. He treats her very poorly and has even put his hands on her. He hasnt hit her but he has grabbed her and he got so mad one time he made a middle finger and pressed it against her forehead. He tells her she's unsuitable to be a mother etc etc. She's an accomplished woman and is a highschool teacher. Her sisters and her friends know about me and I hear all about how horrible he is.

 

She's having a tough time choosing between us. I've already told her that she needs to ignore me and work on saving her marraige first(even though it sucked to say). He refused to go to MC or work on it. They don't have any kids together and she has even told me she's not in love with him anymore and hasnt for awhile. We have already tried to stop talking to eachother but that lasted 2 weeks and made the feelings between us even stronger. I know she's scared and to tell ya the truth at this point I'm really starting to get scared myself. I've fallen so hard already for someone I cant have. I just dont know what else to do. Before someone mentions it's because she has a ****ty homelife.....our feelings are very real and very strong and this isn't some psychological issue we're having.

 

The reason I posted was to hopefully hear some non biased advice from others that have gone through the same thing or are currently in a similiar situation. Thanks

 

Chris

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You are absolutely right to not have made this physical, and if you are ever tempted, consider what her husband would do legally, and might do physically, to her if you and she did.

 

The choice, decision and timing for her to leave him - if she ever does - has to be hers, and hers alone.

 

You have to make it very clear to her that you will not be a side distraction, You love her to bits, but you cannot become second option, or second best.

Whatever she decides is up to her, but she should make a decision fairly soon, because much as you love her - and you do - You can't wait for her for ever.

 

 

maybe.

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I'm not and somehow some way we have fallen for eachother. HARD! In love madly , hard. I know it's wrong, it's completely wrong and against all of my morals. I know some who are reading this have already judged me and the situation without hearing me out.

 

So, we met a few months ago and as soon as I seen her I was head over heels. We talked here and there but it was nothing more than that even though I was infatuated with her. Then I decided to ask about her through some friends and find out she was married. Bummer. So I let it go , well tried to obviously, but I found myself not being able to.

 

Every weekend we would end up seeing eachother when we went out with friends and we began talking more and more. Needless to say our feelings for eachother grew quick and it is now unbelievable. We think about eachother non stop and everything is perfect. Yeah except that she is married.

 

I'm sure you have already figured that we have slept together and your wrong. We have been very good when it comes to this. Its been tough but I really do not want it to happen if she is married. I wouldnt be able to live with myself. According to her , her husband has basically abandonded her as a wife. He treats her very poorly and has even put his hands on her. He hasnt hit her but he has grabbed her and he got so mad one time he made a middle finger and pressed it against her forehead. He tells her she's unsuitable to be a mother etc etc. She's an accomplished woman and is a highschool teacher. Her sisters and her friends know about me and I hear all about how horrible he is.

 

She's having a tough time choosing between us. I've already told her that she needs to ignore me and work on saving her marraige first(even though it sucked to say). He refused to go to MC or work on it. They don't have any kids together and she has even told me she's not in love with him anymore and hasnt for awhile. We have already tried to stop talking to eachother but that lasted 2 weeks and made the feelings between us even stronger. I know she's scared and to tell ya the truth at this point I'm really starting to get scared myself. I've fallen so hard already for someone I cant have. I just dont know what else to do. Before someone mentions it's because she has a ****ty homelife.....our feelings are very real and very strong and this isn't some psychological issue we're having.

 

The reason I posted was to hopefully hear some non biased advice from others that have gone through the same thing or are currently in a similiar situation. Thanks

 

Chris

 

Why hasn't she left her H (usband) for you?

I mean, if the feelings were true strong and real I figure she would be moved out, filed for divorce and pursuing you openly. So, why hasn't she?

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Kudos to you for not allowing this to become a pa. Now you need to stay away from this MW while she figures out her marriage. With you in the picture how can that be possible? Really.. what place so you have in her life if she has an H at home?

 

Mea:)

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You have to make it very clear to her that you will not be a side distraction, You love her to bits, but you cannot become second option, or second best.

Whatever she decides is up to her, but she should make a decision fairly soon, because much as you love her - and you do - You can't wait for her for ever.

 

 

maybe.

 

I did bring up the fact that this is getting tougher and tougher on me the longer we go on like we are. She asked me not to give up on her/us just yet. I've really tried not to coerce her into a decision so I have been somewhat distant but still there to show I do care. I just hope me giving her the space she needs to figure it out doesn't backfire so to speak.

 

Why hasn't she left her H (usband) for you?

I mean, if the feelings were true strong and real I figure she would be moved out, filed for divorce and pursuing you openly. So, why hasn't she?

 

Well she's scared and I don't really blame her. I have nothing to lose really except for her, but she has a house, husband obviously, among other small things. She's scared about what'll happen to all of it and she's also scared that I might not care as much as I say I do. I do care and I've told her that when we've talked about it. I care a lot as a matter of fact.

 

 

So here's my story , I've been single now for 2 years , by choice. I've dated here and there but I have horrible luck and end up meeting unstable crazy woman. Plus, I'm the type that won't just settle for a woman because society says I should be married and have kids by now. I refuse to settle for something that'll surely fail in the future. I'm 30 years old, established, good looking, have my own house, great career, and just meet the wrong women. Until I met her anyhow. She's sane, stable, funny, we get along great, we have al lot in common, talk for hours on end about everything, and we have shared EVERYTHING even the bad, with eachother.

 

Thats why this is so darn hard. She is so perfect in every way it's scary.

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whichwayisup

She's lying to you. They have no kids yet she can't leave him? Something feels very wrong here..

 

If she is truly being abused, isn't cheating on him the worst thing to do? (even though you've not had sex with her, it is still an affair, an emotional one) Isn't dangerous for her? If he finds out the truth?

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Kudos to you for not allowing this to become a pa. Now you need to stay away from this MW while she figures out her marriage. With you in the picture how can that be possible? Really.. what place so you have in her life if she has an H at home?

 

Mea:)

 

Thanks, we have had a few very passionate kisses with the help of alcohol but it's stopped there. We're both pretty adament about that.

 

I have somewhat kept my distance. We do talk though atleast twice a week but it's been 2 weeks since we've actually seen eachother.

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whichwayisup
I'm 30 years old, established, good looking, have my own house, great career, and just meet the wrong women. Until I met her anyhow. She's sane, stable, funny, we get along great, we have al lot in common, talk for hours on end about everything, and we have shared EVERYTHING even the bad, with eachother.

 

...But..She is MARRIED.

 

Tell her goodbye, tell her to call you when she's officially free and able to date you. Until then let her go.

 

In the meantime read threads by stampdaddy. Do a site search on his name and read ALL his threads..Maybe you'll stop yourself before you get a broken heart.

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She's lying to you. They have no kids yet she can't leave him? Something feels very wrong here..

 

If she is truly being abused, isn't cheating on him the worst thing to do? (even though you've not had sex with her, it is still an affair, an emotional one) Isn't dangerous for her? If he finds out the truth?

 

Yeah I know it's still an affair unfortunately. Well I know of 2 instances where he did the forehead thing and grabbed her. She says he never hit her or anything and she is definitely the type to leave or tell somebody if that was the case so I'm sure it isn't as bad as it sounds.

 

What do you think she be lying about?

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Thanks, we have had a few very passionate kisses with the help of alcohol but it's stopped there. We're both pretty adament about that.

 

I have somewhat kept my distance. We do talk though atleast twice a week but it's been 2 weeks since we've actually seen eachother.

 

The thing is Drew, you too have feelings for each other and have already crossed the line from friendship into some what of an emotional affair. Now if you keep talking with this MW your just going to confuse her and hinder her from making decisions about her marriage that need to be made. I say cut off all contact until you know she has made that decision. Does this make sense to you?

 

Mea:)

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whichwayisup
What do you think she be lying about?

 

How bad her marriage really is. They don't have kids, so really, what is keeping her there?

 

Also, if he found out about you, I'm betting she would throw you under the bus and make it seem like you pursued her hard..

 

And, this woman IS lying and deceiving her husband, so what makes you think she wouldn't lie or omit truths from you? She said vows to this man infront of family and friends..Why would she be completely and utterly 100% honest with you? Just giving you something to think about..

 

Well I know of 2 instances where he did the forehead thing and grabbed her.

 

Did you see this firsthand or is this just her version of what happened?

 

If her marriage IS so bad, why isn't she leaving him?

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signedin2008
Yeah I know it's still an affair unfortunately. Well I know of 2 instances where he did the forehead thing and grabbed her. She says he never hit her or anything and she is definitely the type to leave or tell somebody if that was the case so I'm sure it isn't as bad as it sounds.

 

What do you think she be lying about?

 

 

You're so naive! Ofcourse she's lying.....to you and to her husband.

 

Just read around here. You will see that your story, your feelings, her feelings are nothing unique AT ALL! It's just another sleazy couple of people who think they are "in love" and found "their soulmate."

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whichwayisup

Drew, take afew hours and read as many threads as you can in this section. Go onto to pages 2, 3, 4, 5 etc..Really take the time to read..You'll see exactly what signedin is telling you. Your situation isn't unique and there is a script all these affairs follow. They vary here and there, but more or less the outcome and the pain involved is ALL the same.

 

You also need to look into yourself and ask yourself why would you involve yourself with another man's wife? Imagine if you DO end up with her, look how easy it's been for her to quietly cheat on her current husband. Instead of fixing or ending her marriage, she's chosen to sneak around and have an affair behind his back. Because of this, SHE has a very big FLAW! Don't you see that you are helping her cause her husband pain? EVEN IF he is abusive to her, he doesn't deserve this.

 

Choices..This is all what it comes down to. Can you look yourself in the mirror and have a good nights sleep knowing what you're doing? Can you tell your friends and family that you are 'dating' a married woman?

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I want to echo what WWIU said.

 

Read the threads on this section, and see how many lives are ruined by cheating and affairs.

 

You never see a happy ending in something like this, and do you want to be THAT GUY who knowingly wrecks the lives of others for his own happiness?

 

And don't forget - once a cheat, always a cheat. If she'd cheat with you, then she'll cheat ON you.

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whichwayisup

Thanks JB.

 

One more thing, after you read in this section, go to the infidelity and separation sections, so you can read about the fallout, and the pain, the lives turned upside because of affairs. Maybe if you put yourself in her husbands shoes and saw him a real human being then maybe it'll help make this all more real. This isn't just about you and her - It's about him and their families, their friends, collegues, neighbours...They've built a life together and have a history..This is WHY you need to take a step back and not think "you're number one" in her heart. Because the chances of her siding with you if/when he finds out the truth of her cheating, she WILL throw you under the bus.

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She is lying to you. The second her H finds out she is going to make you look like a stalker. She is going to tell him things like you wouldnt leave her alone and everyone will believe her.

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whichwayisup

I can recall of two ex OM who have been thrown under the bus (one is stampdaddy who had an affair for 4 years) and his MW made it seem like she was leaving her husband and family, in process of talking to divorce lawyers..When infact, at home she was trying to work things out with her husband, begging for another chance..And that's after FOUR years of an affair!! Think Drew. Take a step back and take the blinders off. The love you feel for her and your emotions are clouding your judgement. You trust her waaay too much!!

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I did read about stamps situation. I read a few of em. The funny thing is I hated readin the brutal honesty from you all but it seems like most of you have been here awhile and have seen this before.

 

Unfortunately this situation is brand new to me and made it tough to realize what was really going on. I don't do this and didnt do this to hurt anybody. It just felt right, it felt perfect. I know you guys and gals say drop all contact immediately but I need to get this from the horses mouth. Its just the way I am. Call me stupid but I asked her to meet somewhere tomorrow. I'm gonna ask her if she has any intentions of filing for divorce. I need her to say it to my face. I'm sure I'll come away tomorrow over this situation because I know she probably wont be leaving him and this'll just help me move on easier.

 

I can't hang on anymore and I'm just gonna tell her to choose. If it's not me then so be it and I'll relunctantly leave her alone.

 

Thanks for opening my eyes everyone. Its nice to get an unbiased opinion. Even though most will disagree with the contact tomorrow. I need it so I won't leave wondering ....what if.

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whichwayisup

Why are you allowing her to choose for you? I mean, what if she tells you ( and chances are she WILL tell you this) "I am going to divorce. Just give me abit of time." What then? How long do you wait in the wings? Or would you tell her goodbye that you don't want to be the OM, her affair partner, that you deserve more than that, and to call you when the divorce is final.

 

She is going to say whatever she needs to say to keep you in her life. She isn't going to end it, YOU have to be the strong one and end it.

 

Anyway, looks like you're going to have to go through some pain before you realize what you're in for firsthand..Good luck and I hope you stick around because you may need this place once things start changing.

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OMG DREW, this could be me...except I am the woman here. THe man that I have been seeing is single and I am married and am trying to figure out what to do also.

 

Let me just say this...she is SO afraid of making a mistake either way. Tell her that you know she is afraid...She *might* be afraid that she doesn't love you enough to leave. That may sound harsh, but it is true. Even though she should not leave FOR you.

 

It takes longer than a few weeks to fall truly in love, I think she just feels a strong attachment to you. You are being her crutch, as long as she has you, she won't make a decision. Or at least, that's how it was for me...now that he is pissed at me and won't talk to me, I am staring my marriage in the face right now. It's time to @#$ or get off the pot so -to-speak.

 

 

I just can't believe the similarities. I too am a teacher and don't have kids and have a nice house that would have to be divided somehow. My husband is short tempered and unapreciative of me and makes little left handed comments all the time....not to mention talking bad about me a LOT in public. That hurts so much and believe me, I don't deserve it. (maybe now that I have gone outside my marriage for comfort!)

 

I know I have hurt my friend, I am trying to have no contact until my situation is resolved one way or the other. My hubby and I separated for 4 months but he came back because I couldn't get financing for a cash out to pay him his share of the house. We actually filed for a divorce. My hubby told the counselor that and I quote, "If she doens't think I will go through with this divorce, she will be surprised".

 

How long have they been married? You need to be here talking and leave her alone for now...I know that is hard and it will be hard for her too....just come online when you have the urge to contact her.

 

Good luck!and email me if you need to talk more....

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Well she's scared and I don't really blame her. I have nothing to lose really except for her, but she has a house, husband obviously, among other small things. She's scared about what'll happen to all of it and she's also scared that I might not care as much as I say I do. I do care and I've told her that when we've talked about it. I care a lot as a matter of fact.

 

Oh I see...she is staying because she likes the house. Right, got it. Bullcrap. Or is it she won't leave because she loses her H - the guy who is such an abusive monster in their ****ty M. Lost me here - she TELLS you how bad it is yet given the opportunity to leave and pursue this true strong and deep love - she doesn't. Maybe its just me but it doesn't add up.

 

Or, maybe she is lying. Maybe you should read WWIU's posts over and over.

 

Thats why this is so darn hard. She is so perfect in every way it's scary.

 

Perfect? A lying cheating scheming woman is what I see. You sure she is "perfect"?

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OMG DREW, this could be me...except I am the woman here. THe man that I have been seeing is single and I am married and am trying to figure out what to do also.

 

Let me just say this...she is SO afraid of making a mistake either way. Tell her that you know she is afraid...She *might* be afraid that she doesn't love you enough to leave. That may sound harsh, but it is true. Even though she should not leave FOR you.

 

It takes longer than a few weeks to fall truly in love, I think she just feels a strong attachment to you. You are being her crutch, as long as she has you, she won't make a decision. Or at least, that's how it was for me...now that he is pissed at me and won't talk to me, I am staring my marriage in the face right now. It's time to @#$ or get off the pot so -to-speak.

 

 

I just can't believe the similarities. I too am a teacher and don't have kids and have a nice house that would have to be divided somehow. My husband is short tempered and unapreciative of me and makes little left handed comments all the time....not to mention talking bad about me a LOT in public. That hurts so much and believe me, I don't deserve it. (maybe now that I have gone outside my marriage for comfort!)

 

I know I have hurt my friend, I am trying to have no contact until my situation is resolved one way or the other. My hubby and I separated for 4 months but he came back because I couldn't get financing for a cash out to pay him his share of the house. We actually filed for a divorce. My hubby told the counselor that and I quote, "If she doens't think I will go through with this divorce, she will be surprised".

 

How long have they been married? You need to be here talking and leave her alone for now...I know that is hard and it will be hard for her too....just come online when you have the urge to contact her.

 

Good luck!and email me if you need to talk more....

 

I really hope nobody I am friends with ever ends up with someone like you. Why don't you divorce one guy before looking for another. Please don't use the " I have no control over this. It just happened" excuse

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This is going to be repetitive. But, surely you can see she is not being truthful. It is so incredibly common for a cheater to characterize his or her spouse as abusive, controlloing, emotionally unavailable, etc that it is as if they are all programmed the same.

Others have pointed this out to you already: if he is so abusive, yet has never become physical, why has she not left long before this? Fear of violence cannot be it, as he has never been violent. A strong moral code on her part cannot be it, as she has already shown you that she will lie and cheat(with you).

You have got a standard issue, lying cheater on your hands, someone that you cannot trust. She cannot trust you , either, as you have shown that you do not respect marriage vows.

Why not do this: tell her husband what she has been doing and inquire re his alleged abusiveness. What do you have to lose. And, the guy can bail and leave you his problematic ex-wife.

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I'm going to point out that IF he really is abusive or controlling, then there's a good reason why she isn't leaving. If she's married to an abusive/controlling man she's not thinking straight already. These situations mess with your mind, if you're not already vulnerable to start with, which she will have been to get involved with him. Now she's looking for a knight in shining armour and that's where you come in.

 

The chances of her making a decision to end her marriage while you are there to sympathise with her and dry her tears and whatnot are negligible. I too was going to suggest you read stampdaddy's threads to see where you could be in four years or so.

 

But what do you do? If you feel you still can, distance yourself from her and read up on people in abusive situations. She won't be able to leave it until she's ready, and she doesn't sound ready. She sounds like she wants sympathy and attention more than anything.

 

If anything I think that women in abusive marriages are less likely to leave than more likely to leave. They've had their will and decision-making abilities reduced. The OM to these women are very unfortunate in my opinion... everyone is abusing everyone. It's very easy to say, he poked her in the forehead why doesn't she leave!! But its not as simple as that. Unfortunately, you can't save her and you can't help.

 

This is just my opinion of course.

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I agree with Frannie, and also want to add that finances may be a hard part of her decision too. The economy is terrible right now and she might be afraid that she can't make it on her own.

 

Here's the problem with that though: if she doesn't put on her big girl panties and move out on her own first, then it lessens the relationships potential and puts you in a very bad position.

 

A. Your timing is already off because she hasn't already decided what to do about her M. As Frannie suggested, if you act as a crutch that supports her just enough to make her M tolerable, it will EXTEND her decision time, not motivate her to shorten it. That is the classic problem all of us OW/M face. I can tell you first-hand that my guy (who is separated now) only took big steps when I would break it off with him.

 

B. If she is scared about making it on her own, then she would be understandably motivated to secure her next step. But you and she don't know each other yet! So it would be in her best interest to have you as an affair first while she auditions you. Meanwhile, feeling that you are an option, not her priority, will feel very frustrating for you.

 

C. You being around in any capacity increases the likelihood of her H finding out and doing some real damage to you or her.

 

D. Even if this guy is a jerk, you being around in any capacity isn't fair to him. It also keeps their marriage stuck, so it can't get better, nor will it end.

 

The thing to do is realize that she has been a catalyst for you. She opened you up to feelings of love. That's great! Also, you've been a wake-up call for her. That's also great! Now that you both see some potential, you've got to find a way to step back and let her decide what to do about her marriage.

 

Be forewarned that this is a hard road, but if you tell her that you will only date her after she's moved out, your relationship with her might stand a chance. It could take time, since she hasn't even decided yet.

 

I dated my MM for a month while he was still living with his W. Then I broke up with him, telling him that I'd only date him if he was separated. In about 5 weeks time, he rented a room and we began dating. Even that was hard though, as renting a room didn't seem all THAT separated. There was a point last summer when he wanted to give the room up to save money and I had to break up again (and came here.) Within 5 weeks, he leased an actual apartment. We've been together a year in total, and even though he's been separated, it's been hard.

 

I can tell you FOR SURE that if you don't put the boundaries down about her needing to at least be separated, it will not work. But if what you have is real, then lead the R where it needs to go: into an open R between 2 available people.

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