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My faith in humanity has been restored.

 

The MM I have had a crush on for the last few months ended up at my place after the office party. We spent the whole night chatting each up and enjoying it, probably taking a few risks too as some people may have noticed us monopolising each other. But, hey, it felt good.

 

I asked him at the end of the night to come back to my place and after a bit of umm-ing and ahh-ing, he agreed...!

 

Then, when we got back to my place, he made it plain that he would not go further with me because he is committed to his wife. He also expressed genuine befuddlement as to why someone like me would be interested in him and not a single and available guy.

 

Now, I know he hasn't been entirely happy in his marriage because of certain things he has said. I know he is sometimes frustrated with having young kids, again because he has let on in the past to some of his feelings in this respect. I know he likes me a lot, because, well, he was clear about that and it didn't take a lot of arm-twisting to get him back to my place. But then he got up and went home after a drink. I'm not saying we didn't engage in a little bit of hanky panky but, geez, nothing you wouldn't have done in high school, if you know what I mean.

 

He left me quite impressed.

 

Sure, he did not come up completely smelling of roses as I know many spouses here would not condone his behaviour in coming home with me, but he left me in no doubt that he dearly loves his wife and young family and fully intends to stand by his commitments, whatever issues they may have.

 

I don't actually have a question for anyone. This is just an update and a comment on how one simple little thing from this MM has stopped me in my tracks and made me reevaluate things. Firstly, I'm going to stop viewing all MMs as complete greaseballs. Secondly, I now realise it is possible not to give in to temptation and to do it in an honourable way. Thirdly, I'm probably going to be less cynical about relationships in general.

 

I'm feeling almost Christmassy now...

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Well, you are very easily impressed. This guy is dishonest . He cheats on his wife and kids. Doesn't sound overly imprssive.

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I asked him at the end of the night to come back to my place and after a bit of umm-ing and ahh-ing, he agreed...!

:confused: I'm confused. You seduced him, but are now have your faith in humanity restored because he stopped short of having full-on sex with you. Am I understanding you right? :confused:

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Well, you are very easily impressed. This guy is dishonest . He cheats on his wife and kids. Doesn't sound overly imprssive.

 

Umm...well, I can't be that easily impressed because I thought your response took about fifteen seconds' thought and zero insight.

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:confused: I'm confused. You seduced him, but are now have your faith in humanity restored because he stopped short of having full-on sex with you. Am I understanding you right? :confused:

 

I asked him back to my place. He said yes to that. He did not say yes to anything else, let alone full-on sex. If he had been a woman and I a man, we would need to be absolutely clear where the lines are drawn on that, right?

 

I have been in similar situations to him. You are attracted to someone, you want to spend some more time with them, but something stops you from going all the way. Having been in a similar situation myself, it would be churlish of me to resent that in him.

 

I would ask why you are confused. I do not feel rejected, if that is what you mean.

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The part that is confusing to me is how you seemed to frame it as if you are lauding his ethics. That he has some kind of integrity you admire. Okay, I'm with you to a point. You're saying you respect him for putting a boundary in place.

 

But if that means you think not cheating on one's spouse is admirable, then wouldn't logic follow that you were acting outside your own ethics by trying to seduce him?

 

And then I'm also confused because it seems to me that he WAS cheating on his wife by coming over and making out with you. So what exactly did he do or not do that you think is so admirable?

 

It sounds to me like you have a grudge and a strange revenge game happening. You seduce them, but if they go along with it, they are beneath you. Yet the one that won't be seduced is the one you respect. Men play this game too. They try to get a woman to have sex with them, and when the woman does, he deems her to be a wh*re.

 

It's a narcisstic trait to seduce then devalue the person who falls for it. Worrisome, and definitely not about love or intimacy. It's about power.

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Bizarre conclusion.

 

 

Is it really?

 

I'm intrigued. I would love to hear more views. I guess I must be completely cracked, but I have absolute confidence in my own opinions.

 

I would love to know all the same how far off mainstream opinion I must be.

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The part that is confusing to me is how you seemed to frame it as if you are lauding his ethics. That he has some kind of integrity you admire. Okay, I'm with you to a point. You're saying you respect him for putting a boundary in place.

 

But if that means you think not cheating on one's spouse is admirable, then wouldn't logic follow that you were acting outside your own ethics by trying to seduce him?

 

And then I'm also confused because it seems to me that he WAS cheating on his wife by coming over and making out with you. So what exactly did he do or not do that you think is so admirable?

 

It sounds to me like you have a grudge and a strange revenge game happening. You seduce them, but if they go along with it, they are beneath you. Yet the one that won't be seduced is the one you respect. Men play this game too. They try to get a woman to have sex with them, and when the woman does, he deems her to be a wh*re.

 

It's a narcisstic trait to seduce then devalue the person who falls for it. Worrisome, and definitely not about love or intimacy. It's about power.

 

Oh dear. No, I do not have any particular view about whether cheating on one's spouse is admirable, it was the self-restraint that I thought was a rather nice touch. So therefore, no issue of ethics here on my part about what did or did not happen. I was simply commenting on MM's self-discipline in the face of HIS own set of ethics, not mine.

 

As to whether he was cheating on his wife by coming over and messing around with me...oh sure, I know that many, many people would be certain he "cheated" by doing that. You know these days, there is this wonderful concept of an "EA", where if you so much as tell another person of the oppostie sex something that you forgot to tell your spouse, you are committing adultery.

 

Coming over and engaging in a bit of fun with me is definitely not something I would see as the worst offence one could commit in the "cheating book", but I know it was still "unacceptable", so I'm not telling anyone else around here about it. (I guess me and Bill Clinton must be about the only ones who still think there is a grading system to this.)

 

And as for the grudge and revenge game - no, wildsoul, sorry if I have come off sounding bitter about married men, but I really am not. The greaseball comment was not accurate, in retrospect. I am truly not into devaluing anybody.

 

If I seduce them and they go along with it, then great - we both have fun. If they don't, as in this case, I then see someone I like and admire be strong in his own mind and not give in to what HE sees as temptation.

 

It's very, very simple, really.

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My cup runneth over...

 

The part that is confusing to me is how you seemed to frame it as if you are lauding his ethics. That he has some kind of integrity you admire. Okay, I'm with you to a point. You're saying you respect him for putting a boundary in place.

 

But if that means you think not cheating on one's spouse is admirable, then wouldn't logic follow that you were acting outside your own ethics by trying to seduce him?

 

And then I'm also confused because it seems to me that he WAS cheating on his wife by coming over and making out with you. So what exactly did he do or not do that you think is so admirable?

 

It sounds to me like you have a grudge and a strange revenge game happening. You seduce them, but if they go along with it, they are beneath you. Yet the one that won't be seduced is the one you respect. Men play this game too. They try to get a woman to have sex with them, and when the woman does, he deems her to be a wh*re.

 

It's a narcisstic trait to seduce then devalue the person who falls for it. Worrisome, and definitely not about love or intimacy. It's about power.

 

 

Expertly put and very interesting about idealization/devaluation...

 

As a recipient of such CRAZY behaviour it is not a bizarre conclusion at all...

 

the important thing to get is this convoluted logic was there before we were...

 

We are not the cause of it. It isnt because we did or didnt do something.

This flaw/disorder was there from the beginning and has NOTHING TO DO WITH US!!!!

 

It is important to not internalize this...i.e if only i was ten pounds lighter, or my teeth were whiter, etc...

 

When people come up with this um "unique" way of qualifying someone, it was there long before we ran into them...

 

The only thing we can be held accountable for is to be alert, ask questions, listen to what they say, and most importantly, take heed to their actions!!!

 

And the minute it seems fishy, WALK AWAY WITH NO REGRETS....

 

Yeesh.

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My faith in humanity has been restored.

 

Your kidding here right? You spent the entire night chatting with this mm.. he came back to your place and you two fooled around yet you think he's a man of honor? :eek: He's what you call a "player" and the sooner you relaize that the better off you will be. I was involved with a mm one time and the same stuff took place. He even mentioned how comitted to his wife he was. I got played and it just about destroyed me. Do yourself a favor and forget about him and all mm for that matter. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

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I like Wildsoul's assessment of the whole thing.

 

Marteka,

Don't be surprised if this MM pops back into your world and has a sob story about how miserable his life is, and he wants your shoulder, breasts and overall naked body to cry upon.

 

Not sure why your faith was restored when HE halted things. You should have had your faith restored in YOURSELF by not inviting him over.

 

As a minimum, be thankful that the temptation wasn't so strong, for the both of you. But be careful, he knows you're willing. Mea is absolutely correct, he's a player...

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Gosh well my faith in humanity just dropped knowing there are women like you purposely out to screw with married men. The funny part of this is you think he has integrity. Um no honey he cheated and played around with you. He stopped at going all the way because he was probably afraid of diseases with someone as easy as you who does not even care if a man is married with young kids.

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bentnotbroken
Gosh well my faith in humanity just dropped knowing there are women like you purposely out to screw with married men. The funny part of this is you think he has integrity. Um no honey he cheated and played around with you. He stopped at going all the way because he was probably afraid of diseases with someone as easy as you who does not even care if a man is married with young kids.

 

 

Exactly, what is so honorable about a guy who will cheat without having sex? Is that impressive:confused:?Why is that is impressive?

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Integrity can be measured like....for example, money. Its all relative. If you dont have much, a little more seems like a lot.

 

MM impressed you.

 

He knew what he was coming over for when he accepted your invitation.

On the way there , he weighed the pros and cons . Upon arrival, he decided you were worth a little risk but not a lot.

 

He apparently, was not as impressed as you.

 

Despite his frustration with his children.

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I was simply commenting on MM's self-discipline in the face of HIS own set of ethics, not mine.

 

Why aren't you troubled by YOUR ethics in trying to seduce a MM? You aren't doing much for restoring anyone else's faith by behaving as a predatory single woman going after married men.

 

Why is it such a big deal to you when a MM displays some self-discipline, but you don't seem to care what your ethics reveal about you?

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Hmmm. I am not sure why you are "impressed". "Impressed" would have been, maybe, if despite his attraction to you he does not go to your apartment to begin with.

 

I spent the first two years of my affair with my MM doing everything BUT intercourse (eg- fooling around, oral, etc), and I gurantee you that his wife would fully consider that part of our affair as much cheating as when we did start having sex.

 

Im an OW, but please, let's not give more credit than its due. I don't think that cheating makes someone a bad person, but it most certainly does not make them a good husband! And just because you fool around with a woman instead of f**king her, does NOT mean he is committed. Committed men don't make out with other women. Many men convince themselves that if it's not full-on sex, that its not cheating, or at least, not AS bad. Obviously, your "moral" MM is getting a little frustration relief and an ego boost in knowing another woman wants him, without letting himself feel too guilty about it by actually shagging you. Now, if he never comes and does it again, perhaps that is admirable of him to realize his error, but is by no means impressive. Semantics, whatever.

 

 

Im sorry to say, but from one OW to another, your sense of being impressed is a bit skewed lovely. He might not be a bad guy overall, but he knows full well that what he did was cheating, and I wouldn't be surprised if he did it again. Making out with you and fooling around is not an "EA". EA stands for Emotional Affair, which means two people tell each other emotional things and act affectionate to each other in a manner beyond that in which pure friends would not act. In a sense its beyond flirtation, because youre alluding to the fact that you want that person in more ways than one, but it doesnt include physical elements.

Making out with your co workers on her couch while your wife thinks youre at the company party is cheating. If he does it again, its cheating again. If he spent the next year making out with you and never going further than feeling your boobs up, it would still be cheating.

 

Either way, was just sort of confused by what part of your evening you found impressive. Cause Im pretty sure if you were persistant, his "resistance" would not have been too tough. My MM "resisted" me last time he saw me. I stood in front of the door and told him I wanted him really bad, and I knew he wanted me, and after a few minutes he took me in my room and threw me on the bed. While I love the guy, I wouldnt say his initial resistance was impressive.

 

Anyway, what do you want with a MM anyway. They're a pain in the arse. In my experience anyway....

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MichelleS1983

You know, we're constantly hearing OW claiming that it "just happened" and "they didn't see it coming" and all that nonsense.

 

Marteka is honest about the fact that she basically plotted to get this married man back to her place so she could have sex with him. Jeez, women are acting more like men every day.

 

I find this seduction attempt deplorable. I'd almost rather hear the cheesy "I didn't mean for it to happen!" excuse we hear so often from cheaters. But when someone purposely sets out to do this, that's just vile.

 

It's a shame some people think with their genitals and don't give a rat's ass about anyone ELSE whose life they might be destroying.

 

Marteka, is it possible to just look past your own selfish needs and realize that your sleazy attempt to bed a married man could have destroyed MANY innocent lives? Jesus, the world does NOT revolve around YOU. Really, it doesn't.

 

And lastly, the little sleazeball who was willing to come home with you then put the brakes on at the last minute is hardly Ward Cleaver. He was doing what's called "dancing around the pit." He was dancing close to the edge but when the chance came to seal the deal, he chickened out.

 

Like the others said, he'll be back. He'll do this little push-pull with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, but eventually he'll come sniffing back because he knows you're just dying to bed him. Then will he be such a man of honor to you?

 

I guess you won't care because you'll get to bed this Romeo.

 

Revolting.

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Umm...well, I can't be that easily impressed because I thought your response took about fifteen seconds' thought and zero insight.

 

No, it took about 5,max.:)

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Integrity can be measured like....for example, money. Its all relative. If you dont have much, a little more seems like a lot.

 

MM impressed you.

 

He knew what he was coming over for when he accepted your invitation.

On the way there , he weighed the pros and cons . Upon arrival, he decided you were worth a little risk but not a lot.

 

He apparently, was not as impressed as you.

 

Despite his frustration with his children.

 

dead on, but brutal. ouch.

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You know, we're constantly hearing OW claiming that it "just happened" and "they didn't see it coming" and all that nonsense.

 

Marteka is honest about the fact that she basically plotted to get this married man back to her place so she could have sex with him.

 

Marteka might have plotted to get this man back to her place, but that doesn't mean that she's being any more honest than any other OW, she's just being honest about what happened in HER situation, a pursuer.

 

Strangely enough, the MM backed off. Probably because he didn't respond well to this approach, rather than anything to do with his 'morals' or lack of them. Not all men like to be seduced, and MM are no different... most of them are the pursuers, the talkers-into, and in many cases the downright liars about even being married.

 

Very disingenuous to turn a thread about ONE OW who has tried to seduce a MM (and so far failed) into a comment on the honesty (in reporting on their relationships) of OW in general.

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