A Emotional Affair

[RainmanMM]

I would like some direction if possible.

 

To start off I am the MM that had a EA, a little about myself though. We have been married for over 20 years and the last 2 years I worked allot and have felt I have grown apart from my wife. The flame we had went to a small spark and our sex life was not exciting.

 

I have known this person for a few years but not really talked to her other than saying hi. Her husband died the same time my mother died, both from cancer, so we had some thing to talk about whenever we saw each other. Her husband and my mother died in Nov of 2006. We started talking to each other allot when I started working the midnight shift and we saw each other on a daily bases, It started in Dec of 2007 and only lasted a few 1 month. We started by talking on the phone while at work (we worked in the same building) and I was telling her about how I felt about my marriage and I was drifting apart and only stayed together for my kids.

 

To make a long story short, I asked my wife for a divorce before Christmas in 2007, we saw a family counselor and I decided to stay. Just to add I never stopped loving my wife but I felt we had lost something and the other woman seemed to fill that void. Even though my wife thinks something physical went on nothing ever happened.

 

A question I would like to ask is how long will my wife be mad at me, because every week we have arguments about what happened. I know in my heart I did something wrong and every day I try to reassure her that I love her and this will never happen again.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

RainmanMM

[MegaMags]

If both of you really want to rebuild your marriage and really work at it then it may happen. I hope it does.

 

But betrayal is betrayal and IMO whether or not physical infidelity actually takes place or not is not the point. When a MP becomes involved with someone else they become available to them and are no longer loving to their spouse. That is the betrayal. Whether or not actual adultery took place is not the point.

 

Your wife has experienced the most terrible pain and may never recover entirely. Her belief in you as a faithful husband has gone. It may take a very long time for this to recover.

[LakesideDream]

I would like some direction if possible.

 

To start off I am the MM that had a EA, a little about myself though. We have been married for over 20 years and the last 2 years I worked allot and have felt I have grown apart from my wife. The flame we had went to a small spark and our sex life was not exciting.

 

I have known this person for a few years but not really talked to her other than saying hi. Her husband died the same time my mother died, both from cancer, so we had some thing to talk about whenever we saw each other. Her husband and my mother died in Nov of 2006. We started talking to each other allot when I started working the midnight shift and we saw each other on a daily bases, It started in Dec of 2007 and only lasted a few 1 month. We started by talking on the phone while at work (we worked in the same building) and I was telling her about how I felt about my marriage and I was drifting apart and only stayed together for my kids.

 

To make a long story short, I asked my wife for a divorce before Christmas in 2007, we saw a family counselor and I decided to stay. Just to add I never stopped loving my wife but I felt we had lost something and the other woman seemed to fill that void. Even though my wife thinks something physical went on nothing ever happened.

 

A question I would like to ask is how long will my wife be mad at me, because every week we have arguments about what happened. I know in my heart I did something wrong and every day I try to reassure her that I love her and this will never happen again.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

RainmanMM

 

 

 

Rainman, First, I'm not so sure you did "something wrong". You and your "OM" if that's what she was/is (you didn't post any details about romance) both had serious trama in your lives, and bonded together for mutual support. While not an ideal situation, if your wife and family were distant, and not supporting you placing "blame" for a supposed EA may be harsh. Remember Nature abors a vacuum.

 

You also tried to do the right thing, asking for a divorce, fessing up about your friendship with the OW. You made the effort to work on your problems in counseling. Presumably you are still working on the relationship. That's a good thing.

 

Maybe it's time to start taking care of yourself? Stop spending the majority of your energy on your wife and divert some inward. It sounds like you still have healing to do yourself.

[daisydufas22]

I would like some direction if possible.

 

To start off I am the MM that had a EA, a little about myself though. We have been married for over 20 years and the last 2 years I worked allot and have felt I have grown apart from my wife. The flame we had went to a small spark and our sex life was not exciting.

 

I have known this person for a few years but not really talked to her other than saying hi. Her husband died the same time my mother died, both from cancer, so we had some thing to talk about whenever we saw each other. Her husband and my mother died in Nov of 2006. We started talking to each other allot when I started working the midnight shift and we saw each other on a daily bases, It started in Dec of 2007 and only lasted a few 1 month. We started by talking on the phone while at work (we worked in the same building) and I was telling her about how I felt about my marriage and I was drifting apart and only stayed together for my kids.

 

To make a long story short, I asked my wife for a divorce before Christmas in 2007, we saw a family counselor and I decided to stay. Just to add I never stopped loving my wife but I felt we had lost something and the other woman seemed to fill that void. Even though my wife thinks something physical went on nothing ever happened.

 

A question I would like to ask is how long will my wife be mad at me, because every week we have arguments about what happened. I know in my heart I did something wrong and every day I try to reassure her that I love her and this will never happen again.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

RainmanMM

 

 

1. Sorry to hear about your mother.

2. How long will your wife be angry at you? I don't know. Would I be angry? Yes. Why would I be angry? Well, trust would have gone out the window.

 

My only advice would be:

a, Answer her questions

b. Live your life as an 'open book'

c. Couple's counselling for you and your wife - rebuild the trust in your relationship

d. Individual counselling for you - this must be hurting you too! Try to rebuild your self esteem.

 

I don't know if that helps...but that's what I would do!

 

Good-luck:)

[wildsoul]

I don't have a lot of first-hand experience, but it's common wisdom that it takes the betrayed person a whole lot longer to recover. Long ago, I had a BF that cheated on me, and he wanted to put the topic away as soon as the affair was discovered. He'd get mad at me, accusing me of not being willing to move on, when it had only been a couple weeks. Then his anger just added a whole new level of hurt for me. He was a serial cheater, so we didn't go thru the whole healing process.

 

Seems to me that couple's therapy is the only way to recover. Even if it's just every other week. Because not only does healing happen in layers, it's a sure bet that something will trigger her again in the future. You can look at having a therapist like relationship recovery insurance. You really shouldn't stop going until SHE says the thinks there is nothing left to heal. A good therapist can also help you plan and work on future goals together. It doesn't have to always be a mucky session! Keep going.

[NoIDidn't]

If your only goal is for her to get over it and forget about it, a lot longer than you want for it take.

 

Your situation is common, an EA after the death of a parent or other close loved one.

 

I hope you are still in Marital Counseling of some sort. It will help.

 

Hopefully it was a lesson well learned, though painful for all involved.

 

Are you still in contact with the "other" woman? Does your W know about it, if you are? These things will dictate how long she will be angry as well.

[RainmanMM]

The OW works for the same company but in diffrent buildings, I have not contacted her since I called it off almost a year ago, my wife has contacted her once over the phone though. I am a very quite person that keeps there feelings inside and that has hindered our 20 year mariage. My wife is the other way she tells me if she is upset about anything and every thing and blames me for anything bad that happens in our family, we have 2 older teens and that is very stressfull also.

 

Im at work so I have to go but thanks to all of you that have responded.

[Meaplus3]

I would like some direction if possible.

 

To start off I am the MM that had a EA, a little about myself though. We have been married for over 20 years and the last 2 years I worked allot and have felt I have grown apart from my wife. The flame we had went to a small spark and our sex life was not exciting.

 

You need to get to the root of why the marriage has grown apart..MC would be your best bet IMO.

 

 

A question I would like to ask is how long will my wife be mad at me, because every week we have arguments about what happened. I know in my heart I did something wrong and every day I try to reassure her that I love her and this will never happen again.

 

Well.. I think everyone is different when it comes to acceptance. Once she accepts what took place between you and this other woman.. then she should be able to get past this. Talking it out with a Marriage counselor IMO would be very helpful. Hang in there.

 

Mea:)

[Owl]

What have the two of you done to repair/rebuild/reconcile your marriage since your affair?

 

What have you done to solve the problems in the marriage that led you to go outside of the marriage for emotional support from the OW?

 

What steps have you taken to 'affair proof' your marriage?

 

What have you personally done to restore/rebuild your wife's trust in you?

 

What has your wife done to help to learn how to forgive you?

 

Have you both sought further counseling?

 

Have you read any information on how your marriage can "survive an affair"?

 

Recovering a marriage from infidelity takes WORK...on both sides. It takes time too. Typically, if both spouses are working hard at rebuilding, it takes about two years for a marriage to 'recover'...and they don't always do so.

 

Sometimes the pain of the betrayal is so great that it can't be forgiven. Sometimes the marriage is so damaged (either from the affair or other factors) that it simply can't be saved.

 

But you can't know that until the two of you have taken all the appropriate steps to find out.

[2sure]

Maybe this can help.

 

My H cheated on me 1.5 years ago.

 

I was doing OK, thought we were recovering, knew I had forgiven him, felt like I was trusting again...

 

And then I felt the pain all over again. Like it was new.

I felt like I was trusting him again...and thats what scared me. I seem to be afraid to give up my distrust.

 

My feelings may have been brought on by the fact that he has been very very busy working lately. In my sensitive state, all slights - both real and perceived, added to my anxiety.

 

I finally spoke to him, telling him that I was feeling insecure in the marriage, anxious, sensitive, etc. He helped because he then was at least aware of how I was feeling and understood my defensiveness.

 

I've been told feelings like this, periods like this , are not uncommon. They are becoming fewer and farhter between.

 

I think its important for BOTH partners to recognize this cycle and acknowlege when it is happening, so that the BS doesntfeel threatened and defensive. Both partners understanding it together then also have the opportunity to note and appreciate the good periods. In fact, the good periods seem to produce make up sex, so its not all bad!

[frannie]

I think that if reconciliation is to happen, then the BS has to start having trust again, as much as you have to start being open and honest. I can't see that happening here. How long did your counselling go on for? I think it would be beneficial for you to get some MC together now, otherwise how can you possibly move forward?