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Should I let him go?


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Hi, I'm new here, I'm the OW, and so very grateful to find this forum!

 

My MM and I have been hopelessly in love with each other for a year now and I've been waiting for him to decide whether or not to leave his W. Every day that goes passed we fall more and more in love with each other; we spend every possible moment together (which is actually a lot) and can't bear to be apart.

 

His marriage wasn't in good shape when we met but he now thinks that it's fixable, provided he can commit himself 100% to it. We both know that we should cut all ties and he should try to work on his marriage, but the thought of letting go kills us.

 

He doesn't know what to do - his marriage could work if he can let me go, but he doesn't want to let me go. On the otherhand; if he leaves his W he could regret not giving his marriage another shot.

 

Should I keep waiting, or am I wasting my time? I don't want to push him and I want him to think this through well and truly, but at the same time the waiting is driving me insane. Sometimes I feel that he will stay with his W, but then I think about the intensity of our feelings for each other and I am hopeful again. I just don't know if I should set him free and hope that he comes back.

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Hi, I'm new here, I'm the OW, and so very grateful to find this forum!

 

My MM and I have been hopelessly in love with each other for a year now and I've been waiting for him to decide whether or not to leave his W. Every day that goes passed we fall more and more in love with each other; we spend every possible moment together (which is actually a lot) and can't bear to be apart.

 

His marriage wasn't in good shape when we met but he now thinks that it's fixable, provided he can commit himself 100% to it. We both know that we should cut all ties and he should try to work on his marriage, but the thought of letting go kills us.

 

He doesn't know what to do - his marriage could work if he can let me go, but he doesn't want to let me go. On the otherhand; if he leaves his W he could regret not giving his marriage another shot.

 

Should I keep waiting, or am I wasting my time? I don't want to push him and I want him to think this through well and truly, but at the same time the waiting is driving me insane. Sometimes I feel that he will stay with his W, but then I think about the intensity of our feelings for each other and I am hopeful again. I just don't know if I should set him free and hope that he comes back.

 

 

 

Look,Bronte,

Fully understanding your situation you are stuck in ,

I would advise you not to pressure the events .

 

Once you are in such a divine love caught with a married man ,

this Love will do all ,you need not pressure him to leave his wife .

And he on his side early or soon will understand whom he really wants to spend the rest of his life with .

 

 

What happens there is

that

Once he is still thinking about giving shots to help his marriage,

while he is still doubting whether to let you go or to stay and maintain his marriage ,

that means he has not decided yet finally what he would do ..

 

 

You need to wait till he realizes himself . When he is ready, he will not have any regrets afterwards ..

Once he thinks its possible to save his marriage and all , this means he is still between you two , his wife and you . Coming to you at this stage means he will regret afterwards ..

 

Let him realize,feel and know he wants really You .He must stop being between ..

 

 

Are you married or engaged either ?

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His marriage wasn't in good shape when we met but he now thinks that it's fixable, provided he can commit himself 100% to it. We both know that we should cut all ties and he should try to work on his marriage, but the thought of letting go kills us.

 

He doesn't know what to do - his marriage could work if he can let me go, but he doesn't want to let me go.

 

This is him telling you he's going to do exactly nothing whatever to change the situation. He's fence-sitting or 'cake-eating', whichever you want to call it.

 

So, I would base your actions on his being quite happy with things as they are. IF you can be happy that way, then continue. Even if you can't be happy, but don't want to let him go, I think it's worth pursuing if you are getting something out of it. But I wouldn't agitate myself wondering what he's going to 'decide'. He's not even seriously considering making a decision... he's too happy with you both, by the sounds of things.

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Go no contact. Tell him that you no longer want nor can handle being the OW in his life and that you need to end the affair. IF/WHEN he divorces, THEN he can call you and you two can date, build a real relationship based on honesty and out in the open love. Until then, try to cut him out of your life.

 

You deserve better than to be someone else's table scraps, a hidden secret and second fiddle to his wife and kids. Don't settle and don't wait around. LIVE your life, otherwise you'll be posting back here in 2-3 years saying that you're still waiting for him, that he "is" going to leave..

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Hi, I'm new here, I'm the OW, and so very grateful to find this forum!

 

My MM and I have been hopelessly in love with each other for a year now and I've been waiting for him to decide whether or not to leave his W. Every day that goes passed we fall more and more in love with each other; we spend every possible moment together (which is actually a lot) and can't bear to be apart.

 

His marriage wasn't in good shape when we met but he now thinks that it's fixable, provided he can commit himself 100% to it. We both know that we should cut all ties and he should try to work on his marriage, but the thought of letting go kills us.

 

He doesn't know what to do - his marriage could work if he can let me go, but he doesn't want to let me go. On the otherhand; if he leaves his W he could regret not giving his marriage another shot.

 

Should I keep waiting, or am I wasting my time? I don't want to push him and I want him to think this through well and truly, but at the same time the waiting is driving me insane. Sometimes I feel that he will stay with his W, but then I think about the intensity of our feelings for each other and I am hopeful again. I just don't know if I should set him free and hope that he comes back.

 

My honest opinion..... you desreve better!

 

Set him free? Set yourself free and find someone else.

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Hi, I'm new here, I'm the OW, and so very grateful to find this forum!

 

My MM and I have been hopelessly in love with each other for a year now and I've been waiting for him to decide whether or not to leave his W. Every day that goes passed we fall more and more in love with each other; we spend every possible moment together (which is actually a lot) and can't bear to be apart.

 

His marriage wasn't in good shape when we met but he now thinks that it's fixable, provided he can commit himself 100% to it. We both know that we should cut all ties and he should try to work on his marriage, but the thought of letting go kills us.

 

He doesn't know what to do - his marriage could work if he can let me go, but he doesn't want to let me go. On the otherhand; if he leaves his W he could regret not giving his marriage another shot.

 

Should I keep waiting, or am I wasting my time? I don't want to push him and I want him to think this through well and truly, but at the same time the waiting is driving me insane. Sometimes I feel that he will stay with his W, but then I think about the intensity of our feelings for each other and I am hopeful again. I just don't know if I should set him free and hope that he comes back.

 

Why should your MM leave his W? He has his W. He has you on demand. You are more far more invested in this than he has.

 

Because he is a liar and a cheater, a few questions for you:

1) How do YOU know his M is so bad?

2) Does he have children?

3) How long has he been "struggling" with this decision?

4) Following WWIU, what does your T say about this?

5) What does your father say about this R?

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LucreziaBorgia

He doesn't want 'either/or'. He wants both. As long as he has two women holding him up from opposite sides of the fence, he'll keep both. Indefinitely.

 

The only way to see where a fence sitter's true intentions are is to let go on your end, and see which side of the fence they land on.

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Seriously? He said that?

He said that if he leaves you his marriage will improve..

But that if he picks you, he will have regret...

He said that to your face???

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We all know what the right thing to do. We all know what course of action will serve us best, and deliver us from the incredible aggravation of an affair. And, we all know that it will leave a gaping hole in our lives if we jettison the affair. Therein lies the conundrum for one smitten with a married person who is not their spouse.

 

What you should do is to let him go; even if his marriage is in tatters. What you should do is embolden yourself to live life on equal terms, instead of at the dictates of a hidden situation. Affairs have their own pattern, and the emotions run very high, because there is no humdrum to deal with. It is like a person who has anger management issues. They feed off the adrenaline of getting angry, at blaming other. Some "angry" people are chronically late for things, because it plays into them getting their hit of adrenaline, that necessary excitement that they use to fuel their day. Sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? Well, you are caught in the same cycle, and it is a cycle that takes enormous courage and energy to break.

 

I would like to say that there is a magic pill that makes it easy to end an affair but, as you know, there isn't. At some point we do have to find the austerity of spirit within ourselves then simply end it; no matter how guilty, how full of emotions, or how desirous we are. You might try writing a break-up letter to the MM in which you state how much you love him, but how the relationship is breaking your heart. State all the reasons why it can't continue. Be completely honest, leaving no stone of the relationship unturned, but don't send it. What this will do is allow your emotions to come out unchecked by "what might happen" and deal with all you have anyway, which if the present. Because, it is the present you are dealing with, not the future. The future doesn't exist, and thinking about it doesn't make it any more real. Of course, at some point you will send it.

 

There is a momentum to relationships, a trajectory that is necessary for them to move to the next point. When this momentum is stalled, for whatever reason, then the impetus to get it going again is almost impossible. It is like standing at the end of the high dive platform trying to get your courage up to jump, if one doesn't do it within a short period of time, the likely hood of heading back down the ladder is the likely outcome. The normal state of affairs would be for you two to meet, fall in love, love loving each other and then show that love off to the light of the world. If that doesn't happen in a timely manner, then that rushing stream of love becomes a quagmire of obsession that we simply won't let go of.

 

Saville

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MichelleS1983
This is him telling you he's going to do exactly nothing whatever to change the situation. He's fence-sitting or 'cake-eating', whichever you want to call it.

 

LOL Frannie hit it RIGHT on the nose.

 

Boy, that's a good story to stay right where he is and NOT have to change a thing. Yes, that old "I'm SOOO torn between two lovers and can't loser either one" excuse.

 

Funny how his marriage was in the crapper when you met, but when you started talking about a future and him leaving his wife, the marriage suddenly become 'workable.'

 

Odd.

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Yeah, I know it sounds odd. Here's the background - A few months ago his W wanted to do marriage counselling and he agreed. Through the counselling it came out that the reason he wasn't happy in the M is because his W was so self-centred. She also put him down a lot, didn't respect him or appreciate him etc. He admits that he honestly thought she couldn't change, but she did and she is maintaining these changes. This is why he thinks his M could now work, but he knows the rest has to come from him. And he knows that he can't put the effort in if he can't let go of me.

 

Yes he sounds like a jerk and he'd be the first to admit that. But he IS trying to decide. In the last 2 months especially he's been terribly sick - stomach pains, gastro, bronchitis, cold sores. His immune system is shot and he's never been the type to be sick. He's run down trying to decide what to do.

 

Tbh I appreciate his honesty about his M and his feelings there. I ask him a million questions and he can't help but tell me the truth. We are very comfortable and open with each other; obviously it isn't easy hearing it so I must be stronger than I thought. Apart from that though, his words and actions clearly show that he'd prefer to be with me.

 

Maybe we should go NC until he makes a decision. Right now he has us both, but if I'm out of the picture he might realise that either he CAN get over me and make the M work, or that he CAN'T get over me and wants to leave. Could it be as simple as that?

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Apart from that though, his words and actions clearly show that he'd prefer to be with me.

 

I have yet to see any actions which say "he prefers you". In fact, he pretty much said the opposite if you ask me. Sorry, but he goes home to her, he goes to MC with her and, most importantly, he HASN'T LEFT HER.

 

Unless of course there are other actions you have withheld posting...

 

Maybe we should go NC until he makes a decision. Right now he has us both, but if I'm out of the picture he might realise that either he CAN get over me and make the M work, or that he CAN'T get over me and wants to leave. Could it be as simple as that?
This is by far your best course of action. Simply tell him he is not to contact you for any reason until his divorce is final. There are far too many OW who basically sit and waste years of their lives waiting for their MM to come around. I hope you choose a different path for yourself because I see NOTHING that indicates otherwise.
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Maybe we should go NC until he makes a decision. Right now he has us both, but if I'm out of the picture he might realise that either he CAN get over me and make the M work, or that he CAN'T get over me and wants to leave. Could it be as simple as that?

 

Do you want to continue being his OW? Then do nothing, as that will allow him to do nothing.

 

If you don't want to be an OW anymore, then make the decision for yourself to leave him, since he's not making any decisions to leave his wife and be with you.

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I have yet to see any actions which say "he prefers you". In fact, he pretty much said the opposite if you ask me. Sorry, but he goes home to her, he goes to MC with her and, most importantly, he HASN'T LEFT HER.

 

Unless of course there are other actions you have withheld posting...

 

 

 

You're right, there is a lot of stuff I haven't said ...I could list off many many things he says and does that make it obvious that he loves me more and would prefer to be with me but I also know that doesn't necessarily mean he'll choose to leave. I know his decision is not just about me, it's about whether or not he has the guts to end his marriage and not look back. I'm starting to think he doesn't. Not at the moment anyway.

 

Aargh, I just want Christmas and this rotten year to be over with and then maybe I can get a clear head! Thank you all so much for your input, I value every opinion and you've given me plenty to think about.:)

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Maybe we should go NC until he makes a decision. Right now he has us both, but if I'm out of the picture he might realise that either he CAN get over me and make the M work, or that he CAN'T get over me and wants to leave. Could it be as simple as that?

 

Well it could be. But things rarely are as simple as that. He could just really miss you and yet feel that he doesn't have the 'right' to leave his M if his W wants to work on it. So he'll do nothing whatever. In the meantime NC will mean he just gets on with life... it might even make him think that you don't particularly care about a future with him.

 

As I say, not necessarily simple.

 

I think all that can be said is he looks like someone who isn't going to make a decision for a very long time (if ever).

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