Completely Torn

[LouderThanLove]

First of all, let me just say that I am extremely happy to have found this board. Thank you to whomever created it. I seriously need some honest advice. Any haters, please stop reading now. I am in a horrible state, and although I know I did this to myself, the last thing I need is some mean criticism that was never meant to help. The constructive kind of criticism is always welcomed, though.

 

Okay, so now to the story....

 

I started dating my MM 2 1/2 years ago. He is the first man I ever slept with (I was planning on staying "pure" until marriage) because I honestly fell madly in love with him. I still love him with all my heart to this very day. Many times, he told me he couldn't leave his wife because of his kids, and I don't think I every truly believed that, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I broke up with him numerous times because it was so hard to deal with him going home to his wife. However, I always ended up back together with him because I couldn't stand the pain and the thought of losing my soulmate forever. I truly enjoy this man's company and he enjoys mine. We were together for eight months before I ended up sleeping with him. He never rushed me, and I appreciated that. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, and everything became a rollercoaster ride. He got caught for the millionth time by his wife, and we stopped talking for two months. When we got back together I know he had been hurting. I was, too. But I was angry at him. During the summer, he finally made the decision to leave, but it took a while. He didn't have the money to move out (his entire check was still being deposited into the wife's account for the house and kids and such), so he started giving me money to save for him. Finally, he moved out because she found out he'd opened up a phone account for us, and he took the opportunity to leave. She freaked out and didn't want him to leave, but he eventually began staying at the apartment. Now, everything has been moved in to his place, his kids spend every Friday night with him, he visits them every single day for a couple of hours, puts them to bed sometimes, and most of his family knows. The problem is that she still acts like they're together. I mean, I know they're married, but he left. He's told her he doesn't care what she does, but I don't think I believe that he actually doesn't care. She still sends him messages calling him baby, and she wants him to call her all the time. She gets mad when he doesn't, and she shows up at his apartment to talk about the situation or check on him. She knows about me, but still does all of this. I know she's trying to get him back and is just looking for any reason to see him....and I hate it. He says I need to trust him, but I'm scared that she's still holding on because he gives her reason to. And if so, why does he do that and still tell me he loves me and that he's going to get a divorce? Why go through all of the motions of he's not going to make it clear to her that it's over? He says he wants to be friends with her for the kids' sake, and the I need to be comfortable with them being friends. I told him that was fine, but that she needed to stop calling him, or vice versa, when the kids aren't involved, and that he can't have her in the apartment. He agreed, but I'm still worried. I am contemplating leaving him, but I don't know if I am overreacting. Someone please weigh in. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

[SierraRose]

She is his wife, until they are divorced. She put many years into the M and sounds like she will not give up without a fight. He needs to handle his W on his own. Realize you are still the OW. Don't be surprised if he goes back to her.

I know when my M was over, my xH didn't come over and tuck our son in bed. He had his visitations, on his own time at his own apt. and that was it.

[LouderThanLove]

That's what I'm most afraid of, him going back. So, should I leave and wait it out? I must admit that I'm afraid doing that will make him go back. I'm just really hurting over this whole situatuion, and I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, and I haven't slept well all week because of this. I have a constant stomach ache, and I'm just scared of losing him, yet tired of worrying. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I should leave.

[LavendarGirl]

If you leave because you are otherwise afraid of losing him, you'll kick yourself later for not sticking through it, IMO. Best to talk to him, tell him what is bugging you, get it out in the open.

 

Him tucking the kids in at night is not in itself a bad situation. But that combined with the W not respecting his new boundaries is a very bad situation. She's calling him baby and still acting, um, wifely to him. More important is how he reacts to it. If he acts like it's normal, well it's not.

 

When my xH moved out of the house, I had to really draw the boundary lines for him. The first day of school for our daughter and he's picking her up to take her to class. He uses a key (how'd he get that) comes in the front door without knocking, and goes to the coffee machine and complains that I don't have creamer for him. My jaw was dropped. I told him, no entering my house without permission, and heavens I am not going to provide coffee for his morning routine. Then after that episode I'd look outside and see him in my yard watering the bushes at all hours. I had to tell him, stay off my lawn.

 

He's got to be able to do that sort of thing with her.

 

--LG.

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome.

 

Are you are living with him? Please clarify the living arrangements between you two (or 3 as the case may be.)

 

BTW, you might want to pick up a copy of "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind." It's been very helpful to me and several others here on the board.

[bentnotbroken]

It's kind of funny in a non funny way that you feel you have the right to dictate who he can and can't have in his apartment, especially his wife. You don't have any rights or to who, what, when, where or how long she is around him. Just apparently as she had no rights where you were concerned. The cake eater is the only one benefiting. NO, you shouldn't trust him not to lie to you about her. He lied to her about you, what makes you more special? You need to suck it up or get out, simple really. It is her husband until the ink is dry.

[signedin2008]

Now, everything has been moved in to his place, his kids spend every Friday night with him, he visits them every single day for a couple of hours, puts them to bed sometimes, and most of his family knows.

 

How do you feel that because of your own selfish desire, these children are going to lose their full time father and left with growing up in a broken home? Can you live with that for the rest of your life? This is a serious question. There are irreversable damages to kids who have broken homes, both boys and girls. Do some research on it and read it. You can potentially destroying their lives.

[Mino]

That's what I'm most afraid of, him going back. So, should I leave and wait it out? I must admit that I'm afraid doing that will make him go back. I'm just really hurting over this whole situatuion, and I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, and I haven't slept well all week because of this. I have a constant stomach ache, and I'm just scared of losing him, yet tired of worrying. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I should leave.

if he goes back, its not about what you did or what you didnt do... He would go back either way because he wants to... bottom line in imo

[Mino]

another word of advice... she is the mother of his children, expect her to be part of your life till the children graduate college, and then some...How long have they been seperated? How old are the children? I do agree with the boundries, tell him he has his own place, he can bring the kids to his place for dinner, and then drop them off afterwards... you do not need to accept everything, if its too crazy, like one of the other posters here where the sm sits at his w house 10 hours a day, that is totally absurd, I would put my foot down on that one too...

[Mino]

It's kind of funny in a non funny way that you feel you have the right to dictate who he can and can't have in his apartment, especially his wife. You don't have any rights or to who, what, when, where or how long she is around him. Just apparently as she had no rights where you were concerned. The cake eater is the only one benefiting. NO, you shouldn't trust him not to lie to you about her. He lied to her about you, what makes you more special? You need to suck it up or get out, simple really. It is her husband until the ink is dry.

Hmmm, I do, I would hit the ceiling if she came around there, She does have rights... she is the girlfriend...

[SierraRose]

How do you feel that because of your own selfish desire, these children are going to lose their full time father and left with growing up in a broken home? Can you live with that for the rest of your life? This is a serious question. There are irreversable damages to kids who have broken homes, both boys and girls. Do some research on it and read it. You can potentially destroying their lives.

 

Although getting off topic here, I totally disagree. There are irreversible damages to kids who's parents stay in the marriage for the "sake of the children." I grew up that way and I hated it. The fighting was horrendous.

My exH and I are divorced 4 1/2 years. We make it a point to provide stability for our son. Our focus is solely our child. His dad comes to visit alternate weekends, and calls every night. I am there for him everyday before and after school. So although we live apart, our home is far from "broken."

Sure, there are times I'd like to poke exH eyes out, but my son will never know that. His job is to be a child and that's it. In turn, we have a healthy, thriving, polite, well-behaved (and gifted!) boy on our hands.

[frannie]

How do you feel that because of your own selfish desire, these children are going to lose their full time father and left with growing up in a broken home? Can you live with that for the rest of your life? This is a serious question. There are irreversable damages to kids who have broken homes, both boys and girls. Do some research on it and read it. You can potentially destroying their lives.

 

If this man was cheating on his W for so long and getting caught 'millions' of times, there was evidently no stability for the children with the H and W together and they sound like they're a lot better off apart. Or they would be, if either of them could make a clean break.

 

I agree that, if the MM wants to pursue a relationship with LTL, that he needst to set his boundaries with the woman he's breaking up with, and listen to the needs of the one he's (theoretically?) planning a future with. Yes, he's married to his W, but if he's getting a divorce, then he needs to make it clear to her that the romantic part of their relationship is over (however much they may be co-parenting). Allowing her to call him baby is sending the wrong message to both women.

 

Of course he might like it that way, but that's another issue. The point is that LTL is asking whether her requests for him to start acting like a separated man going to divorce rather than a man taking a break are fair. And they are fair in my opinion. LTL does not want to be stuck in a limbo quasi-OW situation, playing second-fiddle to a W who hasn't let go yet, and she needs to make that clear. Anything else is letting him get away with more cake-eating under the guise of 'separation'.

 

Of course it's all monumentally dodgy ground and that is why so many OW whose MM have separated are asking these questions over and over. They do say this period is worse than the affair for the OW, and reading threads from women going through it I believe it!

 

Oh and LTL, I wouldn't back off, no way. Not unless he says he needs the space. If you back off you're just leaving the field wide open for W. Sorry that sounds so ... off, but it's what I think.

[LouiseC]

How do you feel that because of your own selfish desire, these children are going to lose their full time father and left with growing up in a broken home? Can you live with that for the rest of your life? This is a serious question. There are irreversable damages to kids who have broken homes, both boys and girls. Do some research on it and read it. You can potentially destroying their lives.

 

My ex is currently seeing someone else, and I believe he was (for a short while) while we were still together. However although I really want to smack her, I in no way completely blame her. The majority of blame rests solely on my ex's shoulders. He's the one who was in the relationship, and he was the one who started seeing someone else.

 

If parents are together, but resenting and hating each other, arguing all the time - this to me constitutes a broken home. As opposed to parents are separate but happy, and there for their children. I know which situation I would have chosen to be in.

[bentnotbroken]

Hmmm, I do, I would hit the ceiling if she came around there, She does have rights... she is the girlfriend...

 

 

My point exactly she is a girlfriend and he is married to the woman with the rights, until the ink says she no longer has those rights. Or the prick grows a backbone,sprouts some balls and drinks a gallon of manhood to say I am don't want you in my home.

[SierraRose]

My point exactly she is a girlfriend and he is married to the woman with the rights, until the ink says she no longer has those rights. Or the prick grows a backbone,sprouts some balls and drinks a gallon of manhood to say I am don't want you in my home.

 

Amen to that...

[jwi71]

You have no right to dictate to him who can and cannot go to his apartment. Sorry, you DON'T OWN him. Is he free to determine who you can and cannot see?

 

He is free to have whoever he wants visit him - especially his wife.

 

If you don't trust him that's another issue.

 

Has he actually filed for divorce and can he prove it by showing YOU the papers?

[SierraRose]

The more I read these posts, the more agitated I get. These MM (and MW) really get me. They are so caught up in the instant gratification of an A, they never stop to think about the consequences of their actions. I would think it would be easier to confront the spouse on the unhappiness and try to work out a solution, rather than lie, cheat and deceit. In the end, the latter causes so much destruction...I just don't get it...

[LouderThanLove]

Well, I've honestly thought about every comment posted on here and I appreciate all of them. I can't say that I feel guilty for the children because as one poster said, a home where the parents are divorced is not necessarily a broken home. Like I had mentioned, my MM got caught many, many times and she always caused a huge scene and used the children to make him feel guilty. She had every right to be angry, but waking the kids up in the middle of the night just to freak them out and tell them that they were moving out of the house and leaving their father is just psycho. Especially because she never meant a word of it, and harmed them just for shock value. She even started screaming at the children that their father was leaving them for his girlfriend. That is NOT a good situation for them. I don't expect him to stop seeing his children, and I would never ask for that. I WANT him to have a good relationship with them. I firmly believe that if it hadn't been me he was seeing, there would have been someone else. Their M had been messed up for a long time. They separated repeatedly and he wasn't happy. She is in it just because getting a divorce will mean she will actually have to get a job and won't have a maid on my MM's dime anymore. I have my career and want him simply because I love him dearly. Whether it's wrong or right, I think I deserve to be happy with him. I'm thinking I will ride this out and just keep making sure that he's setting boundaries for her. He swears up and down and left and right that he's not going back. I am inclined to believe him. Last night we ran into his brother in law at a birthday party we went to and he made no motion to leave. I guess in a way it made me feel better about our situation because if he was really worried about fixing his M and going back, I think he would have wanted to keep hiding. Hopefully, I am right. Thank you very much for the book suggestion. I will definitely look it up. I will agree that this period may just be worse than the A itself.

[bentnotbroken]

You don't have to feel bad about his kids, you have to have something there to feel bad with. Whatever you believe about his W is only his version. Who told you that a stay at home mom wasn't a career:eek:? Whoever did is as dumb as a post. He is a prickless wonder who has the trustworthiness of cobra. And whether you deserve happiness is subjective. I am sure you all will eventually gain what you truly deserve.

[LouderThanLove]

Even though I believe your post is simply here to try and make me feel evil, I am going to state a couple of things...

 

First of all, being a housewife is a career if you actually do something...I'm sorry, but I believe it's pointless if you have a maid and you have no kids to take care of because they're in school all day....If your budget can afford it, fine...but if you know it strains your finances and still refuse work just because you don't want to, it is ABSOLUTELY pointless. So no, I am not as dumb as a post for believing she has no career.

 

Second, most of what I know is from him, but not all of it. I do happen to have to know this woman (I met them both at the same time), so I know what a snake she is.

 

Third, I strongly believe that I have already paid for what I have done. The two years that I spent at home, alone, knowing he was at home with his wife were awful. And I know I did this to myself, but the pain was there nonethless. Still, during times like these, I pay for what I am doing...

[mrose2008]

More than likely he will cheat on you as well...Kids need both their parents at home (I see this all the time as a teacher).. and the kids who have both parents at home 99.9 percent of the time do better and behave better...Expect her to be in your life for the rest of your life (at least till they are 18) ..expect her to call him etc...she is the father of his children...As I said to another poster on here a friend of mine dated a married man..by the time all of us were through with her she stopped dating him , he went home to his wife and his kids..the 2wks he was gone from his kids they were very very upset and unstable....In the end she did what was right for the kids and now she is with a guy who never had a wife or kids.. as is happy..

Just remember you could encourage him to work things out with her (so what you lost your virginity to him..I did too to a guy I dated for 4yrs but had I stayed with him bc of this I would not be married to an a great guy)....and make things great for his kids..but to me your are being selfish...

[frannie]

You have no right to dictate to him who can and cannot go to his apartment. Sorry, you DON'T OWN him. Is he free to determine who you can and cannot see?

 

He is free to have whoever he wants visit him - especially his wife.

 

Of course she doesn't have a right to dictate anything. She does, however, have the right to say to him; IF you are going to be with me, then I will not tolerate your accepting stbxw calling you 'baby' and wandering in and out of your place. Then the man will know her (quite legitimate) boundaries, and his actions will reveal his seriousness about being in a relationship with her. If he choses to carry on behaving in a way that bothers LTL, then she knows where she stands, doesn't she?

 

It's OW tolerating all this wishy-washiness on behalf of supposedly 'separated' MM that leads to cake-eating. IF he's not intending on going back to W he needs to put his foot down with the visits and the lovey-dovey talk. If he can't or won't, LTL needs to re-think her involvement with him (JMHO of course).

 

Just because papers aren't yet signed does not mean that he can't be serious about his romantic relationship with his W being over.

[signedin2008]

Even though I believe your post is simply here to try and make me feel evil, I am going to state a couple of things...

 

First of all, being a housewife is a career if you actually do something...I'm sorry, but I believe it's pointless if you have a maid and you have no kids to take care of because they're in school all day....If your budget can afford it, fine...but if you know it strains your finances and still refuse work just because you don't want to, it is ABSOLUTELY pointless. So no, I am not as dumb as a post for believing she has no career.

 

Second, most of what I know is from him, but not all of it. I do happen to have to know this woman (I met them both at the same time), so I know what a snake she is.

 

Third, I strongly believe that I have already paid for what I have done. The two years that I spent at home, alone, knowing he was at home with his wife were awful. And I know I did this to myself, but the pain was there nonethless. Still, during times like these, I pay for what I am doing...

 

Am I the only one who think this poster is self-centered, immature and deserve some lessons?

 

Am I the only one who hope things end up badly with this mistress and her MM? Like him cheating on her or something?

[bentnotbroken]

Even though I believe your post is simply here to try and make me feel evil, I am going to state a couple of things...

 

First of all, being a housewife is a career if you actually do something...I'm sorry, but I believe it's pointless if you have a maid and you have no kids to take care of because they're in school all day....If your budget can afford it, fine...but if you know it strains your finances and still refuse work just because you don't want to, it is ABSOLUTELY pointless. So no, I am not as dumb as a post for believing she has no career.

 

Second, most of what I know is from him, but not all of it. I do happen to have to know this woman (I met them both at the same time), so I know what a snake she is.

 

Third, I strongly believe that I have already paid for what I have done. The two years that I spent at home, alone, knowing he was at home with his wife were awful. And I know I did this to myself, but the pain was there nonethless. Still, during times like these, I pay for what I am doing...

 

 

 

Whether you believe that you have already paid is not up you or me. You may have met this woman, but you don't know this woman. You don't live in her home, her skin or her mind. You don't know what that prick does to her when no one is around. What you do know is you are a third wheel on a 2 wheel cart. And to say if not with me then someone else is a cop out. That's like saying if I don't do something wrong someone else will, so I might as well do anyway.

 

And as far as her being a snake, don't snakes usually mate with another snake?

[daisydufas22]

First of all, let me just say that I am extremely happy to have found this board. Thank you to whomever created it. I seriously need some honest advice. Any haters, please stop reading now. I am in a horrible state, and although I know I did this to myself, the last thing I need is some mean criticism that was never meant to help. The constructive kind of criticism is always welcomed, though.

 

Okay, so now to the story....

 

I started dating my MM 2 1/2 years ago. He is the first man I ever slept with (I was planning on staying "pure" until marriage) because I honestly fell madly in love with him. I still love him with all my heart to this very day. Many times, he told me he couldn't leave his wife because of his kids, and I don't think I every truly believed that, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I broke up with him numerous times because it was so hard to deal with him going home to his wife. However, I always ended up back together with him because I couldn't stand the pain and the thought of losing my soulmate forever. I truly enjoy this man's company and he enjoys mine. We were together for eight months before I ended up sleeping with him. He never rushed me, and I appreciated that. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, and everything became a rollercoaster ride. He got caught for the millionth time by his wife, and we stopped talking for two months. When we got back together I know he had been hurting. I was, too. But I was angry at him. During the summer, he finally made the decision to leave, but it took a while. He didn't have the money to move out (his entire check was still being deposited into the wife's account for the house and kids and such), so he started giving me money to save for him. Finally, he moved out because she found out he'd opened up a phone account for us, and he took the opportunity to leave. She freaked out and didn't want him to leave, but he eventually began staying at the apartment. Now, everything has been moved in to his place, his kids spend every Friday night with him, he visits them every single day for a couple of hours, puts them to bed sometimes, and most of his family knows. The problem is that she still acts like they're together. I mean, I know they're married, but he left. He's told her he doesn't care what she does, but I don't think I believe that he actually doesn't care. She still sends him messages calling him baby, and she wants him to call her all the time. She gets mad when he doesn't, and she shows up at his apartment to talk about the situation or check on him. She knows about me, but still does all of this. I know she's trying to get him back and is just looking for any reason to see him....and I hate it. He says I need to trust him, but I'm scared that she's still holding on because he gives her reason to. And if so, why does he do that and still tell me he loves me and that he's going to get a divorce? Why go through all of the motions of he's not going to make it clear to her that it's over? He says he wants to be friends with her for the kids' sake, and the I need to be comfortable with them being friends. I told him that was fine, but that she needed to stop calling him, or vice versa, when the kids aren't involved, and that he can't have her in the apartment. He agreed, but I'm still worried. I am contemplating leaving him, but I don't know if I am overreacting. Someone please weigh in. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

It's hard but......now you are aware how the wife feels when a husband has another woman!